PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach, posts articles and information regarding a variety of psychological issues confronting people every day. In addition, he responds to questions about relationships, sexual difficulties, and other concerns that have been submitted through his website.

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Location: Santa Monica, California, United States

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Desperate Mother

I am 38 year old mother of four school age children. I am working two jobs and have been in a relationship for two years with a man with who has two teenagers. His children don't like me and my children are not wild about him. We have fallen in love; or I think it is love. A month ago he got drunk and proposed. I said "someday" even though my gut said no. I am now trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship. I don't think we are compatible. My children say he is not the one and deep down I know it too. I don't want to hurt him. I owe him a lot, mostly financially. I have never been alone. I am afraid of letting go of something that maybe God wants me to have and I don't know it. I am very ill now trying to figure this out. HELP?!

You life is quite busy, even somewhat overwhelming. Being a mother of four and holding down not one, but two jobs has got to daunting. I can understand your wanting a partner, both as a psychological support and from a financial perspective. The big question is whether this is the right relationship for you. Your gut is telling you that this relationship is not for you. Your children say the same thing as your gut. Your brain agrees with both your gut and your children. Three votes against. Even his children seem to believe that this relationship is not right. Yet you are still ambivalent, even trying to figure out whether God has the time to intervene in your life and has ordained this relationship. Not likely. He gave human beings free will and the ability to choose. The real question is whether you have the courage to make the decision that you know is correct for you and whether you will be able to deal with knowing that you may have hurt him. This pain will pass in a while for both of you. The pain of being in a relationship that is not fulfilling, however, will continue to grow. As the song says, "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, and know when to walk away..."

Monday, October 17, 2005

Is Once a WeekToo Much?

After 25 years of marriage our sex life is not bad, but my husband believes he is "entitled" to sex at least once a week. Sometimes even that feels like too much for me, and I don't like to be "pressured" into having sex if I don't feel like it. We are in our 60s. Is there a normal, or average, amount of sex for people our age? What is the appropriate response when one partner wants sex once a week and one doesn't?

I am often asked the question as to what in the normal or average frequency for a couple to engage in sexual activity. The answer is simply that normal or average is not a relevant question when it comes to frequency. What is relevant is whether the sexual connection meets the needs of both parties involved and how the couple negotiates on how that need will be met. Too many couples think about frequency of sex as though there were an absolute standard. And when they think of sex they only think of sexual intercourse. Sexual intimacy is more than just intercourse. In involves an entire array of experiences shared between two parties. Perhaps if you and your husband viewed your sex life as an opportunity to connect with one another, to be romantic with one another, to get to truly know one another emotionally as well as physically, it might not feel so obligatory and "pressured" as you have described it. When was the last time the two of you took a bath together with candlelight and music? How long has been since your gave one another a full body massage with fragrent body lotion and soft music playing? Have you ever made picnic on the bedroom floor with a bottle of wine and your favorite delicasies? These are all part of a sexual relationship and you might enjoy them more than once a week and so might your husband. Being 60 years old has nothing to do with knowing how to make love; and making love is more than merely having intercourse.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Intimacy and Kissing

Why would a partner who has no reservations about any other sexual or sensual experience refuse to kiss? He likes to experiment with anything new I ask him to do, even toys, but does not kiss me.

That's a question that should be asked of your partner. Kissing is a very intimate act. It creates too great a sense of closeness, a commitment that they do not want to make. Prostitutes often do not kiss their clients for this reason. They simply avoid it. Kissing is the first sensual act we learn. We kiss our parents and our children. So can become the most intimate sensual act, whereas during sexual intercourse we can detach ourselves from the experience. It becomes simply a physical act rather than an act of connection to our partner.

You mentioned all of the adventurous things that your partner is willing to participate in. But you do not say anything about intimacy. Activities that are purely sexual in nature are not necessarily intimate. They are playful. Kissing makes the event more intimate. Furthermore, in order for a couple to enjoy kissing, they must practice. However, some people have difficulty telling their partner that they do not like the way the partner kisses...or that their breath smells.

Sex Is Boring

I am a twenty-seven year old who is married, but find sex boring; I feel like it is a mandatory thing for me to do. How can Imake myself want to make love again with my husband instead of feeling that it is merely an obligation?

You question "...make love again with my husband..." is very revealing. It suggests that at one time you did enjoy sex with your husband. So what happened? Apparently something went awry in the course of your marriage and in your sexual relationship in particular. Making love is similar to dancing. Each party must learn how to dance with a partner; it takes practice. And you must be innovative, experimenting with new steps. However, if there is a problem in the relationship, there isn't going to be much motivation to be adventurous and exploratory. So the first step is explore the nature of your relationship. Is the marriage going stale because there is little effort being expended on one or both your parts to keep the romance alive in the relationship? Are you taking each other for granted? Sexual excitement in a marriage is about what happens outside of the bedroom as well as inside the bedroom.

Masturbation

I am away from my girlfriend for a while and masturbate a lot. Does this affect my sperm count in any way or affect my sexualperformance?

Masturbation will not affect your sperm count. Masturbation in and of itself will not affect sexual performance. However, if you are practicing rapid masturbation, i.e, trying to finish quickly, you might be building a habit of rapid ejaculation. Also, the recovery time required between ejaculations varies from person to person. Hence, if you require a lengthy recovery time then trying to have intercourse shortly after masturbation may require a longer time to ejaculate again. The younger men are, the shorter the recovery time.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

She Loves Him, But Doesn't Like Him

I love my husband but I don't like him as a person. We have two kids together whom we both adore. But he can be a very cold hearted, insensitive jerk whom no one wants to deal with. And on top of everything else, he has such a short temper that everything upsets him and we end up not speaking for days at a time. Our vacations and holidays routinely get ruined because we get into an argument over something or other. Believe me, some of those reasons are so menial it's not even worth mentioning. I've been with him 10 years and almost divorced once before, but nothing seems to work. I try to deal with his attitude the best way that I can, but I'm running out of patience. What do I do with the relationship?

You love your husband, but you don’t like him. You both love your kids. Is the marriage that you have and is the way in which you and your husband interact the model you both wish to imbed in your children? Your children’s attitudes about marriage, about men and women, are being formed by watching you and your husband. Exposing them to your husband’s outbursts, to his coldness, and your silence, is not in their best interests. Perhaps if you suggest to your husband that since you know he adores the children, he is not serving them well by letting his temper get out of control. Ask him what he thinks your children’s memories will be of family vacations. Ask him if he would like for your daughter to marry a man who treats her the way in which he treats you. Ask him if he would want his son to treat his wife the way he treats you. Ask him if he would like your children to have a marriage like yours. Tell him, if he does not like the picture, he must do something to change it. Your children will model after you. What you do matters and will affect them for the rest of their lives. If this catches his attention, suggest that you both seek the help of a marriage counselor and that he seek the help of a psychologist specializing in anger management. If this does not catch his attention, then it might be necessary for you to follow through on thoughts about separation. Sometimes a mule needs to be hit over the head with a two-by-four just to catch his attention!

To Believe or Not Believe: Is He Cheating?

I had suspected my husband of cheating for maybe 9-10 months with a co-worker of his. I confronted him numerous times and he has denied it, but I could feel him pulling away little by little. I got a hold of our detailed billing for our cell phones and found numerous calls to this certain co-worker and confronted him and his response was that they were just friends. But they would call each other 10-12 times a day at work. We are now separated and I am not sure if I should believe him.

Let’s see... you confronted your husband on numerous occasions with your allegations. Now you have hard evidence that your husband has been having an intimate relationship (10-12 phone calls a day sound pretty intimate even if they are not having sex!), he continues to deny it, your separated, and now you are wondering whether you should believe him. The fact is, you don’t believe him and every bone in your body says he has been cheating on you. If you need more evidence, call up the woman. You have the phone number. Find out from her. Your letter does not say how you and your husband came to separate. Is he missing something in the marriage that he is getting from her? Did you leave or did he? Is he seeing this other woman romantically now? Does he want to make the marriage work? If so, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and get to work on it. If he doesn’t want to go for help with marriage, you will have further evidence that something is amiss.

Unhappily Married

I'm a 53 year old male, currently separated for over two years from a partner with whom I lived for nearly17 years before getting married. The marriage took place despite the fact that we were having extreme stresses and difficulties at that stage of our relationship. After the marriage, I was unsettled and unhappy about the relationship, and I resented the marriage, but I went along because my wife thought it was the right thing to do for financial security reasons. I then had an affair which precipitated the separation. I think I'm still very much in love with the other woman, but I can't face divorce because of the pain I will cause, but I also know I will be resigned to the marriage. What steps should I take to resolve my conflict?

It appears that you have been unhappy for over half of your life.You married despite all of the warning signals that this relationship was not going well. Apparently neither of you decided that it was either time to quit or, at the very least, to seek professional help for yourselves and the relationship.I think it is about time that you took a good hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. You seem to be rather passive in your life, taking direction from women. You might want to think about what you want your life to be; what are your vision, your mission, and your values? Once you have a vision, you should then take steps toward achieving that vision. It is difficult to say from your brief description of your situation whether a life coach or a psychotherapist would be in the better position to help you.In either case, however, it is high time that you sought consultation for the next chapters of your life.

Relationship With A Married Man

I was stupid enough to have a relationship with a married man. We've been together for two years. He has been married for nine years. Recently, his wife who has always been emotionally abusive, found out about us and has done a complete turn around. She is suddenly willing to go to therapy, to think about his needs, etc. after nine years of the absolute opposite behavior. He says he loves me and has always maintained that he wont let her 'trap' him again (they were married because she got pregnant). Yet she's once again manipulated him (even after she kicked him out of his home, wrote me a letter about how terrible he is, and forbade him from talking to his kids) and he's decided to "give her another chance". I love him too much to let her hurt him again and I see it happening all over. What do I do?

The short answer to your question is “bail.” It is time for you to move on and create a life for yourself without him. Having an affair with a married man, especially with children, and expecting him to leave his wife because he says he loves you, is an old story. Unfortunately a great many women fall for it, thinking that they will be the one who is going to be so loved that the man will be willing to sacrifice his family for her. More often than not, these women have a great need to be able to prove that they can be loved more the man’s current wife. Some say, that this stems from an unconscious wish for their fathers to love their daughter more than they loved their wives. Regardless of the reasons why you were available to have an affair with a married man (that’s something to be discussed with your psychotherapist), the bottom line is that you should bid him a fond farewell. He is a big boy, making grown up decisions. He does not need saving. But perhaps you do.

Relationship Infidelity

I am a 25 year old woman and my man continuously cheats on me. Is there anything that I can do sexually that can maybe deter him from cheating?

When a man cheats on a woman it rarely has anything to do with his partner per se; it may have a lot to do with the nature of the relationship. The issue is more likely to be about commitment and the character of the one who is cheating. It demonstrates an unwillingness to honor a commitment and self-centered attitude. Since you say that he "continuously cheats on me" it suggests that you have permitted this type of behavior and he knows that he can get away with it. It also suggests that you suffer from low self-esteem since you have remained in a relationship with someone who has little respect for you.

Erectile Difficulties

My boyfriend and I have only been having sex for a few months now. We are both 19. Sometimes he has trouble getting an erection and once he has one he loses it very easily. Isn't he too young for this? Its really aggravating and troubling to him. I hope you can help me!

Erectile difficulties most often are a function of psychological factors, especially in young men. Some men have performance anxiety, some have fears of impregnating a woman, some suffer from guilt regarding sex; and these are only a few of the psychological issues men experience. I suggest that your friend contact a certified sex therapist to make an appointment to address the issue.

Speaking Up About Likes

I am a 41 year old woman. I want my husband to be a little more forceful when we have sex, but he's afraid he will hurt me. I've told him many times, but he just doesn't get it. Any tips on how I can get it through his head?

Perhaps if you took the lead to show your husband what it is that you want, he would get the idea. Sexual relatiohships are similar to ballroom dancing. Someone has to take the lead. Often when you tell a man what you want, he experiences it as being bossed around or he feels that he is not doing his job. Men usually want to please their women. However, they need to know exactly what is expected. You have to spell out and/or demonstrate what you mean by "more aggressive." He can then follow your lead. And don't forget to do it lovingly, rather than critically or demandingly. Make it fun.

Rapid Ejaculation

Whenever I masturbate, it seems I can do it for 20 - 30 minutes. But when I have sex with my girlfriend, I can't last more than 5 minutes. Can you give me some tips on how I can last longer when I have sex with my girlfriend?

In masturbation the focus is on ejaculation through fantasy and controlled hand-movement. In sexual intercourse the focus should be on love-making. There is a lot more going on in love-making and a lot more stimulation. All of the senses are involved. Hence, in sexual intercourse you have a lot less control than you have during masturbaton. Focus more on making love with your girl friend with less emphasis on intercourse and ejaculation. Slow down the activity and do not thrust as much. Masturbation is all about thrust-like movement. This not the case with intercourse. When you do have intercourse, relax your body and slow down your movements. Take your time paying attention to all of the sensations so that you can gain more information about when you are about to ejaculate and then pause. With practice and relaxation, you should be able to gain more control.

Parenting Interferes With Sex Life

My wife and I have been fighting all night about sex. She wants me to get her more in the mood. I work all the time so it's very hard for me to do that and have sex, but I feel as if she's never in the mood. She never tries to have sex with me except maybe once a week and it's always when I get off work. When we first got together we had sex all the time. Then our daughter was born. I didn't think it would change anything since were both very sexual, but her sex drive seemed to stop and mine seemed to sky rocket. What should we do?

Perhaps you ought to try being a little more understanding of your wife rather than thinking only of your own needs. After as woman has a baby, lots of things change. Her body changes, her hormones, her mental attitude changes. Giving birth takes a lot out of a woman; it is called "labor" for a reason. Having a regular job is a lot easier than tending to the needs of a child 24/7. She is alert all through the night for the sounds of her child. He snores through the night. Learning to be a good lover is more than just being sexual. It is about creating an empathic connection with your partner. Being a good lover is more about what goes on between the partners emotionally than it is about what goes on between your legs. If you want your wife to be more sexually responsive to you, you might want to try to be more emotionally responsive to her. As partners grow together, sexual activity becomes more like slow-dancing than doing acrobatics and trying to get off. It is more about connecting than it is about climax. You might also try to make romance a priority rather than relegating sexuality to the thing you do before going to sleep. By then, both of you are tired.

*************

My husband and I are both 25 years old and have been married for five years.We have a four year old son. It seems that we are constant in battle with one another.Now we argue about sex. He gets angry when I do want to have sex as much as he does. I am willing to have make love with him once a week. However, I used to enjoy sex, now it is a duty. In addition to raising our son, I try to do things around the house to make him happy. It seems that nothing I can do will please him. I would love to feel the way I used to about him and about love-making. What can I or we do?

You and your husband married at 20 years of age and shortly thereafter had a child. You were barely out of your teens. You have a big responsibility taking care of child, a house and a husband. You don’t say much about your relationship, but I surmise that you and your husband may not have learned how to communicate well and probably don’t have common interests other than your child. Most couples who marry young have only their parents as models for marriage, and those models are not usually very good. So you are left to find out for yourself about what it means to be married. Children take up a great deal of time. They can be exhausting.It is easily a two-person job. Some couples learn how to share the responsibilities. Others, grow apart, each pursuing their own interests. This is a recipe for disaster Sex becomes the only point of intimate connection. And when that is problematic, there is no point of connection. In your situation it sounds like neither your child nor sex is seen as a way to connect with one another. I suggest that you seek the help of a competent marriage counselor – together – to discuss how you might find ways to re-vitalize and re-invent your marriage. Marriage counseling can afford each of you the opportunity to discuss the issues that are driving you apart.You owe this to your child and to each other.

MEET DR. DREYFUS

















The blog consists of answers to questions posed by visitors to my website. This blog was created to permit a more rapid response to these questions and to permit others with similar concerns to benefit from the response. For additional questions and answers that have already been posted, you are invited to visit my website by clicking here. You can ask your own questions on the blog by going to "Ask Dr. D." Complete the form there and periodically check back on the PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING blog to find your reponse.

I have been in private practice in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area of Calfiornia for over 30 years working with a variety of people dealing with problems of adolescence and adult life.

I am a Clinical Psychologist, a Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, a Certified Sex Therapist and a Life Coach. I received a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Kansas and a Master's and Bachelor's degrees from the City University of New York. Other credentials include: Fellow of the American Psychological Association; Diplomate, American Board of Sexology; Fellow, International Council of Sex Education and Parenthood of the American University, Diplomate in Professional Psychotherapy, International Academy of Behavioral Medicine, Counseling, and Psychotherapy. Fellow and Diplomate, American College of Forensic Examiners.

I am listed in the National Register of Health Services Providers in Psychology. In 1996, I received the "Distinguished Psychologist" award from the Los Angeles County Psychological Association.

I have published extensively in professional journals and has published six books. My most recent books, KEEPING YOUR SANITY (in an Insane World),offers a collection of practical essays for your psychological well-being and SOMEONE RIGHT FOR YOU: 21st CENTURY STRATEGIES FOR FINDING YOUR MATE offers a step-by-step program for finding an appropriate mate for you. I am active in community affairs, a member of national, state and local professional associations and I am frequently sought by the media for my expert opinion on many contemporary social and psychological issues. For detailed information on my background please visit my website.