Upgrading Operating Systems: A Psychological Metaphor

As I have been going through the frustrations of upgrading my computer from Windows XP to Windows 7 I began to think about why I am doing this.  I should have left well-enough alone following the adage, "if it ain't broke, why fix it."  Then I realized that I am one of those folks who embrace change.  As frustrating and even painful as change can be, the challenges and growth from change can also be exhilarating.

Some people resist change.  They function in the world perfectly fine as long as everything fits into their existing world view.  They don't like new fangled technology or new fangled ideas.  It is only when forced to change that they even consider modifying a position and then only under duress.  When it comes to computers, they would still be using Windows 95 if they could get their programs to work.

Layman's Introduction to Computers
For those of you who are not familiar with computer lingo, let me introduce you to the phrase "operating system".  The operating system or OS on a computer is the platform from which all of the programs that are installed on the computer function.  These programs are installed within the operating system and are used to manipulate data, e.g., to run spreadsheets or create documents.  The data put into a computer does not change; however, they way it is manipulated may change depending on the program and/or operating system handles data.

Each computer comes with a motherboard that is the brain of the computer.  It is the hard-wiring.  The OS is installed after the computer is built.  It is the information processing platform for the computer and directs all of the subsequent programs that are installed on the computer how to manipulate the data that comes into the computer.  All programs must conform to the operating system.  Patches and utilities help the OS to do its job more effectively. 

I began to think that this is similar to how we as human beings function. Human beings also have a motherboard comprised of genetics, DNA, predispositions and temperament.  These are hardwired.  Parents then install the operating system.  The OS provides the basic information needed for organizing behavior and for interpreting the data received from the world around them.

Early Childhood Programming
As children we receive information from the world around us.  We have experiences; receive knowledge, experiment, etc.  This becomes our data.  As children we have limited capacity to interpret data simply because our brains have not yet developed.  We often may misinterpret information.  We become needlessly frightened of bogey men that we have never seen, don't know enough to stay away from the flame, and will run headlong into traffic unless stopped.  Parents try to teach us how to interpret the world.  They offer us certain principles for understanding, teach us values, and often given us their world view in terms of beliefs and prejudices.  Together these principles, beliefs, morals and values combine to become our operating system.  We develop "programs" for understanding various aspects of life.  We learn what things can hurt us, what things taste good, what behaviors are acceptable, and so forth.  With this operating system and the various programs that are installed within the system, we are able to function in the world.

By the time we reach adolescence, this operating system becomes relatively fixed.  However, as we mature we make some modifications in the operating system.  These modifications or patches are added to our operating system to help us better understand our world and to more accurately interpret the data we receive through experience and education.  However, the basic operating system (our core beliefs, values, morals, principles) may not change.  We merely learn to work around the operating system in order to be more able to communicate and interact with the world around us.  We tend to interpret the world through our operating system, seeking confirmation of what we already believe.  We have all noticed how some people seem to be saying, "I have my beliefs, don't confuse me with the facts."  These folks have an operating system with very few patches and a limited number of programs with which they function in the world.  I had a brother-in-law who would say, "In this house it will always be 1959."  Obviously, he did not embrace change.

Resistance to Change
In my practice as a psychologist, I have noticed that many people enter psychotherapy with the attitude, "I will let you help me as long as I don't have to change."  Change is difficult: or put another way, it is simple but not always easy. As I mentioned above, as children we begin to develop an operating system.  By the time we reach our 20s this operating system has congealed and it become the foundation for our modus operandi in the world.  We develop attitudes and beliefs about ourselves, women, men, relationships, religion, work, and so on.  We develop ways of coping with stress, perceptions of our parents, and a host of adaptive behaviors.  For the most part these beliefs, adaptations, attitudes, and behaviors work well for us....until they don't.  When all of the fixes we have tried falter, some of us seek professional help in the form of psychotherapy, counseling, or coaching.

For the most part, these helpers or healers assist us to develop better ways of coping.  We learn new behaviors and new coping skills.  We learn to understand ourselves better.  However, just as often fundamental change eludes us.  These techniques serve much as utility programs, patches, and other add-ons help us with our computers making the operating system that was installed on the machine function better.  The operating system remains fundamentally unchanged.

At some point in our lives, all computers will need to be upgraded.  They will need a new operating system in order to manage in the ever-increasing amount of information and data that we will need to process.  The world is in constant flux and there is more information available to us now than ever before in history.  Computers and their operating systems are designed to help us process this information more quickly and efficiently.  Merely patching new add-on programs onto the old system is insufficient and inefficient.  It is time to upgrade.

Upgrading Our Internal Operating System
Similarly, it is often necessary to upgrade our internal operating system.  The way in which we processed information as adolescents no longer works to our advantage when we are in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and so on.  After all, how many of us in our 30s would listen to a teenager tell us how we should live our lives.  Yet that is exactly what many people do.  They use an old operating system, based on antiquated ideas and values, to make assessments of the world today.  They rigidly hold onto the safety of the familiar even when it has out-lived its usefulness. Over the years, people make corrections, changes, but they seldom undertake the installation of a new operating system.

This would entail a complete re-evaluation of assumptions, beliefs, values, and behaviors, often as dramatic as that which was required of our ancestors when realizing that the sun did not rotate around the earth or that the earth was round rather than flat.  That is, it would require a complete overhaul of one's world view.  Of course, this does not require that everything that one believes would be thrown out.  Just as with a computer, old programs may still function quite well in a new operating system.  But many will not.

It would be similar to deciding to re-decorate a home using a new theme.  Instead of being based, for example, on an Early American theme, the new decor might reflect a predominantly contemporary theme.  Nonetheless, some of the old pieces of furniture and furnishings may fit quite well within the new theme.  But there must be at least the willingness to consider disposing of each piece in order to determine whether or not it would fit in the new theme.  Likewise, on the human level, it would be necessary to be willing to examine all of the old beliefs to determine whether it fits the new paradigm.

Perhaps it is time for all of us to re-examine our operating system.  We live in very different world today than it was fifty years ago.  We have witnessed wars, watched stock market rise and then collapse, and seen the World Trade Center under siege.  We have more information today than ever before.  We have more medical information, treatment for disease and addiction, deeper psychological understanding, and more effective ways of living our lives.  We have seen our country move from being the automobile and manufacturing center of the world, to being more of services provider and financial capital.  Things today are different.  So we have to change as well.  At one time the most important thing for a man to do was to have a job in order to provide for his family.  It was believed that if he worked for 30-40 years on the job, his future would be secured; we found that is not necessarily the case.  It was believed that a family consisted of a man, a woman, two kids, and a dog.  Now we know that a family and marriage can be between same-sexed people, people of different races, and that children can be birthed through surrogates and embryos implanted in vitro.  The world is different.  Perhaps a new operating would help understand our world and ourselves more effectively, realistically, and efficiently.

My Boyfriend Prefers Porn

Q: Can you tell me why my boyfriend would rather sneak behind my back and watch porn, rather than enjoy it with me? We have been together for over a year and we are both 41 years, good looking and in good shape. I am not jealous and willing to experiment sexually. Yet he won't include me in his sexual masturbation fantasies; his deception and excluding me has really made me feel insecure. Please help me understand what the problem is?

A: I receive a large number of questions from women trying to understand men and their relationship to pornography and masturbation. It is a very common for women to think that a man’s interest in pornography reflects disinterest in the woman and perhaps that the man finds her unattractive.

In order to understand a man’s sexual behavior one has to understand how a male develops from the time he first discover his penis. When he discovers his penis as a source of pleasure, he learns to masturbate. However, masturbation is often viewed as a shameful activity. In some homes and churches, masturbation is viewed as a sin or least an activity that is frowned upon. Hence, it creates a conflict between what is bad or sinful and that which is pleasurable. Most of the time pleasure wins out, but leaves the man feeling guilty. As with most sinful or guilt-ridden acts, it becomes an activity that goes underground. It becomes an activity that must be kept hidden and private. Illicit activity, in and of itself, is exciting.  When added to sexuality, it is even more exciting.

Another aspect of male sexuality is that men are very visual in their sexual appetites. They enjoy looking at women, looking at movies of women, looking at pictures in magazines, peeking under dresses, looking down at cleavages, and peeking through keyholes. All of this activity has to be done on the sly. That is, from the time they were boys, they don’t want to be discovered doing this forbidden activity; in this case merely looking becomes forbidden. Doing that which is forbidden becomes associated with sexual excitement. Having sex in forbidden places is an offshoot of this pursuit of the sinful. It adds to the pleasure. In the beginning men hide their Penthouse, Playboy, or Hustler magazines in the closet or under the mattress. Then they hide their other pornographic material.
Putting it all together we find that both looking and masturbation are “sinful” activities that must be kept hidden and done in secret.


This is a long-winded discourse that might help you understand your mate and allay your insecurities. Your boyfriend’s masturbatory activity, in and of itself, has very little to do with you. He did it long before you came into his life. However, if boyfriend prefers his solitary activity to engaging in sexual play with you, then there may be a problem. If your sexual life with him is satisfactory, your insecurity is unwarranted and something that you might want to explore. One activity should not be at the expense of the other. Perhaps you and he ought to have a conversation that focuses on the nature of your relationship rather than on his masturbatory behavior.

Understanding Sexual Addictions: Part II

Attitudes about sex vary from culture to culture and family to family. However, most cultures treat sex differently than it treats other biological functions, especially food. Food is talked about openly. It becomes a central theme in people's lives. There is considerable conversation about different ways of preparing certain foods with books being purchased containing recipes from around the world. There are television programs about cooking and classes taught about cooking. We can engage in conversation about food and cooking whenever and wherever we are. It is a very public topic.

Sex, on the other hand, is anything but public. Despite its centrality in the lives of human beings and its necessity for propagation of the human species, sex and sexual matters are considered highly private and segregated from ordinary conversation. Schools are prohibited from teaching human sexuality. There are no television programs designed to teach people about sex and very few books and no classes teaching about sexual behaviors. We can take cooking classes and even dancing classes, but no classes instructing us on sexual techniques. Yet sex is on the minds of everyone and central to the human experience.

Here we are in the 21st century and our attitudes about sex are not that far removed from the Victorian era. It is still kept under wraps, hidden, and off limits for general conversation. Parents are uncomfortable talking with their children about sexual matters. Children will go anywhere but to their parents to learn about sex. They began their sexual discovery by learning quite early in life to keep their sexual thoughts hidden. Trial and error (and unfortunately mostly error) dominates their learning experience. All the secrecy about sex serves to make it all the more exciting.

Children sneak a look at their nude siblings or parents. They sneak a peek at various magazines. The discover pornography on the Internet. The forbidden fruit is so much more exciting and tastes ever so sweet because of it forbidden nature. When a child steals a dollar from his parents wallet or purse, the caught child will tell you that it wasn't the dollar that was important, but rather it was getting away with it that gave the thrill. The child was not thinking about the morality of his or her action. She or he was simply caught up in the excitement of getting away with something.

Sex, when combined with being clandestine or illicit, becomes far more exciting than when out in the open. There is a rush in pursuing that which is forbidden. Similar to the child who does not think of the consequences of stealing the dollar from his parents or pilfering a cigarette or a bar of candy in a supermarket, pursuing illicit sex give the pursuer a bio-physiological and psychological rush. And when experiencing the rush, there are no thoughts about the consequences. The rush floods the brain with cortisol and the person feels excited with a narrowness of focus until she or he achieves her/his end.

Once the excitation dissipates, life returns to normal. The experience is not forgotten. The next time the individual experiences stress or even boredom, the memory of the illicit experience begins to surface. The individual wants to repeat the previous experience. She/he wants that rush. And the process begins again. And because it is illicit, and the illicitness makes it more exciting, the individual shares the experience with no one. After a while, the behavior becomes habitual. And then it becomes compulsive. And then chronic. Once it reaches the level of chronicity and begins to interfere in an individual's life, where he or she begins looking forward to the next adventure instead of taking care of his or her life, it becomes addictive. The desire become insatiable.

In our society pornography is but a click away. It is available 24/7 from any computer. There is no inconvenience of going to a dark alley or back room of a book or video store. In addition, clandestine encounters can be found quickly and easily online. Hence, with increased accessibility to random sexual activity, more people are becoming addicted to their own internal rush of being able to pursue the forbidden fruit.

What sex addiction is NOT

Many people want to take cover beneath the word "addiction" as a means for avoiding taking responsibility for their behavior and their choices. We use the term "addiction" to account for a myriad unacceptable behaviors, including behaviors that may be sexual in nature. Not all habitual behaviors can be classified as addiction. Not all frequent masturbation or viewing of porn sites or the desire for sexual unions constitute a sexual addiction. In order for any behavior to be classified as an "addiction" it must meet the criteria for any addiction. One of the most important criterion is that the behavior becomes so compulsive that it interferes with some important aspect of one's life, e.g., health, relationship, or work. The person ruminates about sex and feels such intense anxiety when not able to gain a release that he or she will endanger themselves in the pursuit of sexual release. There is no fear of being caught nor concern about the consequences of one's actions. By this standard, merely wanting sex often, masturbating several times each day, or watching pornography does not constitute an addiction.

Sex and Intimacy

Because of the hidden nature of sexuality in our culture, people often consider sex as an activity that should be separated from intimacy.  Many people refer to their sexual behavior in pejorative terms, e.g., doing the nasty, etc.  A man can think of doing things with "those kind of women" but not with someone he loves.  Many men would not think of doing with their wives or girlfriends the things they fantasize about or see when watching pornography or doing with prostitutes or even on one-night stands.  In his mind he is being respectful of his beloved.  He therefore loves his wife and has sex with those other women whether in reality (prostitutes) or in fantasy (pornography).

Most men who become sexual addicts have difficulty being truly vulnerable in an intimate relationship.  They may often be quite sociable, even outgoing, but they rarely reveal their inner feelings to anyone.  They even mask them from themselves.  They can be far more vulnerable with strangers.  Hence, we often find that these men share intimacies about themselves, secrets, and vulnerabilities to the prostitutes that they visit; they perceive this as being safe.  The stranger cannot hurt them since there is no emotional investment in the relationship.

So if we put all of these factors together: biological issues, intimacy/relationship issues, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma, and social issues, we can see that sexual addiction is a complex rather than a single cause.  Therefore, a multi-faceted approach is necessary for treatment.

Treatment of Sexual Addiction

The good news about the prevalence of sexual addiction is that as it receives more media attention, more people are seeking help. Just as in the past where drug addicts were too ashamed to seek help because of the back-alley connotation of the problem and because they were thought of as simply weak-willed, so it has been the case for sexual addictions. As mentioned previously, drug and alcohol dependence are accepted as addictions today because of increased understanding of how the brain can become addicted to the substance. Now professionals are realizing that in a similar way individuals can become addicted to the rush of seeking sexual encounters whether through pornography or prostitutes or both. And similar to other addictions, the addict may need bigger and bigger jolts in the form of more exciting behaviors or dangerous relationships in order to reach the same high or rush as when simply using pornography and masturbation was enough.

Treatment for sexual addictions is multi-faceted. The problem has bio-physiological, psychological, sociological, and behavioral components; therefore, all four need to be addressed. Typical treatment may include:

• Psychotropic medication to help with the anxiety associated with giving up what has been the self-medicating behaviors.
• Psychotherapy to help the individual cope with the anxiety, depression, compulsive behaviors which are often part of an addicts experience. Psychological treatment in the form of individual psychotherapy is necessary in order to help the individual come to terms with the underlying trauma and/or personality disorder, as well as learning more effective ways of coping with stress, issues of trust, intimacy, and connectedness with people. Psychotherapy works with both the underlying individual conflicts and struggles experienced by the addict for which he or she is self-medicating, and it helps the addict learn more effective coping skills as well as self-soothing behaviors. Psychotherapy deals with both the psychological and behavioral aspects of addiction.
• 12-Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Annonymous can be quite helpful insofar as addicts find that there is a safe environment within which to share experiences with others who are going through similar difficulties. They can feel less alone and begin to learn to trust others and seek nurturance and support from others who have experienced similar difficulties.

For a free 30 minute telephone consultation, please contact Dr. Dreyfus (310) 208-5700.  Or if you have additional questions, email drdreyfus@docdreyfus.com

Understanding Sexual Addiction: Part I

Understanding addictions is neither simple nor easy. Understanding sexual addiction is even more complex. Alcohol and drugs are the two most commonly known addictions. It is easier for most people to accept the addiction model for these two substances than it is to accept an addiction model for either sex or food. We know that both alcohol and drugs have chemically addictive properties. Chronic use of either of these will create a dependency on them which, in turn, can develop into an addiction, i.e., where the body craves the substance upon which one becomes dependent.

Food and sex addictions are difficult for most people to understand since the drive for either is biologically part of being a human being. So people naturally ask the question, "how can a biological drive become an addiction?" It is even more difficult when it comes to the issue of sex. Though it is not possible to live without food it is possible to do without sex, e.g., people who chose to be celibate. Therefore, people think that since sex is a choice, people choose to become overly involved with sex; hence it cannot become an addiction. It is simply a matter of choice.

Once one understands the biological aspects of the addictive process, however, it will become clear that both compulsive sex and compulsive eating can become as addictive as for drugs and alcohol. It will also become clear that for sexual addictions the process is even more complex than for food addictions. In this essay I intend to explore various aspects of addiction, offer an understanding of compulsive behavior and how it relates to addiction, and finally, I hope to offer a clearer understanding of the various aspects of sexual addiction in particular.

Defining addiction

Addiction is a chronic relapsing condition characterized by compulsive behavior in pursuit of a gratifying substance with its abuse causing long-lasting chemical changes in the brain. Addiction is the same irrespective of whether the drug is alcohol, amphetamines, cocaine, heroin, marijuana, or nicotine. Every addictive substance induces pleasant states or relieves distress. Continued use of the addictive substance induces adaptive changes in the brain that lead to tolerance, physical dependence, uncontrollable craving and, all too often, relapse. Dependence is at such a point that stopping is very difficult and causes severe physical and mental reactions from withdrawal. The risk of addiction is in part inherited. Genetic factors, for example, account for about 40% of the risk of alcoholism. The genetic factors predisposing to addiction are not yet fully understood. Addictive behavior has profound effects on an individual’s life interfering with health, relationships, and work. Addicts rarely think about the consequences of their behavior and will often risk everything to satisfy their cravings. When dealing with food or sex, the individual becomes addicted to the pursuit of the substance and becomes addicted to the rush received when in pursuit. The compulsive behavior, as with alcohol and drugs, causes chemical changes in the brain.

The addictive brain

According to recent research studying the human brain through brain scan studies, there appears to be a strong relationship between brain activity and pursuit of the substance of choice. Individuals who are in pursuit of drugs, alcohol, sex and food exhibit electrical activities in the same areas of the brain. Blood studies indicate that when these people are in pursuit of their substance of choice (e.g., alcohol, drugs, sex and food) all show increased cortisol levels. Cortisol is the "stress hormone" that is released by the brain through the adrenal glands, that helps to reduce stress. It appears that people who become addicts produce lower levels of cortisol than nonaddicts. However, those levels are increased when they are in pursuit. When someone is pursuing illicit sex, cortisol levels increase. Thus the individual feels a sense of release and calm. This period is often referred to by addicts as "being in the bubble." Once in it, cognitive functioning is often impaired as they pursue their substance. It is only afterward, once they have satisfied their need, that they realize what they have done. This good feeling and sense of euphoria become highly gratifying to the point of addiction.

The food and sex addict primarily are looking for this sense of well-being achieved by the increase in cortisol while they are in pursuit of their goal. Most will describe the period before achieving the goal as more satisfying than the goal itself. The goal is the final release, followed by immediate calm. Often this is followed by shame and/or guilt. But within a relatively brief period as the stress increases the desire to repeat the process begins once again.

Drug and alcohol addicts have two chemicals with which to deal. One is the aforementioned increase in cortisol which helps to reduce stress and the second is the addictive substance itself. Both alcohol and drugs have addictive properties creating a bio-physiological dependence. The body literally craves the drug or alcohol. Sex and food addicts only seek the first type of craving with the pleasure derived from the substance playing a secondary role.

Triggers

Triggers are events that stimulate an individual to respond in a particular way. Triggers can be visual, auditory, or a thought that becomes persistent; or it can be a familiar situation associated with a previous experience. A sex addict, for example, might be in a stressful environment when he notices an attractive woman with a short skirt or open necked blouse. He feels a twinge of excitement that distracts him from the stress he is experiencing. This can lead to thoughts of going online to view some pornography or to visit a massage parlor or simply to go to the bathroom to masturbate. Once the trigger takes hold, it becomes difficult to resist. It becomes intrusive and persistent leading the individual to take action in order to relieve the internal pressure and remove the thought.

Self-medication

For the most part, all addictions begin with some form of experimentation. No one decides to become an addict. Once one discovers the pleasures from a particular behavior, there is the human tendency to want to experience it again. People who develop addictions experience their lives as highly stressful. It does not matter whether the stress is related to a traumatic event or events, painful relationships, environmental stress as in wartime, poverty, highly stressful occupations, etc. The stress creates significant internal psychological pain from which the individual seeks respite. These individuals rarely seek other people for comfort; many distrust others. In fact, most of these individuals do not view others as a form of nurturance; they pride themselves as being able to deal with their lives alone. Men, in particular, take pride in being self-reliant. Drugs, alcohol, food, and sex are often viewed as more reliable sources of comfort and relief than people; they can count on their substance to always be there for them. Furthermore, asking for help, love, nurturance or support are all viewed as a sign of weakness. Hence, when they discover their substance of choice, they are able to find solace; it becomes a source of self-medication to help reduce the stress and afford them relief.

(Please continue reading Understanding Sexual Addiction: Part II on this blog.)

Forgiveness is a Choice

We most often associate the topic of forgiveness with religion. It is a concept that clergy talk about, not psy-chologists. Our religious training tells us that we should forgive; after all, “to err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness has profound implications for mental health. We confront the issue when we have been betrayed, either by a friend, a business associate or, most profoundly, by a spouse who has cheated on us. We also have to deal with issues of forgiveness when we have experienced emotional or physical abuse, current or past traumatic events, and humiliation. Intuitively we know that if we could forgive we would feel less bitter, less resentful, and less burdened; we know that it would be good for us to forgive. It is easier said than done.

In this article I will discuss the meaning of the term forgiveness, its psychological implications in terms of personal growth, and an approach toward learning to forgive. Perhaps through a deeper understanding of what it means to forgive, why it is important for human development, and how we can learn to forgive, it will be-come easier for us to do so.

What is forgiveness?

When most of us think of forgiveness, we think in terms of making amends with someone who has offended us or whom we have offended. One party or the other holds the power to release the other from the guilt asso-ciated with the occurrence. We also think of apology. We ask to be forgiven for some transgression and seek to be absolved. We want to feel re-connected. Being asked for forgiveness puts us in the position of strength; seeking forgiveness leaves us feeling weak or humble.

When we forgive, we are saying to the person who has offended us that we will hold no grudge and, that while we do not condone the behavior of the offender, we will not hold it against him or her and may be willing to move on with the relationship. When we receive forgiveness, we feel uplifted and sometimes even grateful toward the one who grants us forgiveness. Forgiveness renews our spirit and helps us move forward.

By contrast, when we do not forgive, we feel resentful, angry, and even bitter. We are hurt and seek revenge or retribution. We want the person who has offended us to suffer as we are suffering; we want them to feel pain for their transgression. We may feel a sense of righteousness, after all, we were wronged. This righteousness, however, may be short lived. The resentment we feel may build, leaving us feeling emotionally constricted and even debilitated. The thought that the offending party may not be experiencing guilt is even more offensive to us and causes us even greater resentment.

For the most part, we have associated forgiveness with receiving an apology from another person. We believe that without contrition on the part of the offender, there can be no forgiveness. Take a look at the reactions of the survivors of the Oklahoma bombing. Timothy McVeigh showed no remorse for his action. Without such remorse the survivors find it difficult to forgive. McVeigh holds the power to keep these people suffering as they harbor their resentment, anger, and bitterness. They want retribution; they want him dead. Only then will they feel a sense of relief and closure.

What if we could make forgiveness a one way street? What if we could forgive without depending upon the offender to express guilt? What if we did not need to be asked for forgiveness, but could grant it nonetheless? What if we could say to an offender, “whether you wish it or not, I forgive you.” What would such unilateral forgiveness do for us?

Let’s examine the case of a spouse who has betrayed his wife by having an affair with another woman. When this happens, the aggrieved party experiences a myriad of emotions. She feels deeply wounded by her hus-band’s actions. He violated a basic trust. Their marriage contract stated that he would forsake all others. He violated the contract as well as the trust. She feels diminished. Her husband chose to be intimate with an-other woman; he preferred to be with her rather than with his wife. The wife feels less than the chosen woman. Her pride is wounded and her self-esteem is damaged. His actions reflect poorly on her as a woman. She was not able to keep him from seeking the attention of someone else. She experiences herself as the victim of a heinous act perpetrated against her. She wants to hurt him as he hurt her. She wants revenge. She wants him to suffer as she has suffered. How can she ever forgive him?

Yet, we see that some spouses are able to do just that. They are able to get beyond their personal hurt and see the larger issues that may underlie the transgression of their spouse. Some are able to go so far as to continue the relationship and use the experience to re-build the relationship. In some instances the marriage becomes stronger as the couple faces the various factors that led to the affair.

On the other hand, some spouses can forgive the transgression but are not willing to maintain the relationship. In effect they say, I can forgive you but I am not willing to stay with you. The risk of your doing it again is too great and I am not willing to chance it. Or they say that that while I can forgive you, our relationship will never be the same, so I choose to continue without you.

Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the behavior of the transgressor. It does not mean that what you did to me is all right. Nor does it mean that we will forget what happened. Forgiveness requires that we let go the anger and hurt that we are carrying. If we want to move forward with our life after being betrayed or hurt by someone else, we have to be willing to let go of the resentment, bitterness, hurt, and anger. Forgiveness becomes a choice.

Forgiveness is a choice

Most of us do not think of forgiveness as a choice. When we feel harmed, wounded, betrayed, or damaged we want relief and often we want revenge. Just as revenge is a choice, so is forgiveness. Our initial emotional response does not have to determine our behavior. We have a choice in how we will respond to any circumstance or situation. We can choose to act angrily, we can choose to act sullen; we can choose to withdraw or we can choose to move forward. We can choose to experience ourselves as a victim of an act of betrayal. Or we can choose to see ourselves as a survivor of a betrayal. We can choose to act with vengeance or to act with forgiveness. The call is ours and ours alone.

The problem arises, however, that in our culture to forgive without having received an apology leaves us feel-ing foolish; we end up thinking that the perpetrator is getting away with something. This thought is intolerable. Forgiveness is deemed to be more closely allied to weakness than to strength. Hence, we excuse ourselves for not being more forgiving rather than aspiring to a higher standard. We accept holding the grudge, holding the anger, holding the resentment, as if it were more noble than forgiving.

What does holding on to resentment, hurt and anger toward someone who has transgressed against us do to us? Where does it leave us? What happens over time? Harboring anger, resentment and hurt often leads to depression, insomnia, emotional constriction, distrust, physical complaints (e.g., ulcers, insomnia, headaches, muscle pain, lethargy, etc.), brooding, dysphoria, to mention a few of the consequences. Holding onto resent-ments and anger takes psychological energy away from more creative pursuits. Over time, it can emotionally deplete us. Yet we often continue to suffer because we believe that if we forgive the offender, he or she is get-ting away with something and is not being punished. We believe that every crime deserves a punishment. More often, however, we pay a greater price for holding onto the resentment than the person who committed the offense will ever pay. We continue to suffer while the other person goes on with his or her life. We lock ourselves in the time period that the betrayal occurred, e.g., the spouse who continues to relive the day he learned that his wife was had an affair.

When we are harmed by someone, we feel vulnerable. We recognize that we are exposed to the vagaries of life and the whims of circumstances. We are confronted with our finitetude and often our mortality. Thus feeling so vulnerable, we seek to re-establish a sense of power and control. With retribution, vengeance, or some form of reprisal, we can establish ourselves as powerful, if only for a moment. We can temporarily suspend the truth of our own vulnerability. In order to truly forgive we must come to terms with our own vulnerability and our mortality. We must come to terms with the existential truth that we live in a contingent world, where things happen, often for no apparent reason. And we often are hurt by these events. Nothing we can do can change the events; nothing we can do can leave us less vulnerable. When we sentence to death the Timothy McVeighs of the world, we have the illusion that somehow we have made ourselves less vulnerable, at least to him. However, our vulnerability continues to exist. Another bomber, another sniper, another terrorist, and another betrayer lurks just around the corner. When we kill McVeigh we believe that we have increased our safety. Such an experience of safety, however, is both temporary and illusionary.

By letting go of the anger, hurt and resentment, we free ourselves to move beyond our pain. We learn that we can survive a betrayal; we learn that we can heal. However, there can be no healing if we do not forgive. We only make the wounds deeper and create emotional scarring. In short, there is no payoff for not forgiving.

Some people hold on to their anger and resentment lest they forget the event, especially if it were perpetrated against a loved one. Let’s take the example of someone whose spouse was murdered. The surviving spouse may be loath to forgive the killer for fear that they would forget the deceased spouse or even be disloyal to the memory of the deceased. They hold on to the hatred as a self-inflicted punishment for surviving.

Forgiving does not mean one forgets. It does not mean condoning an action. It only means letting go of the past and deciding that one wants to transcend the tragedy and celebrate living by moving ahead rather than remaining in the past. If I forgive someone who has betrayed me, murdered my spouse, raped my daughter, it is because I have made the decision to honor a higher sense of self that refuses to remain stuck in a circumstance over which I have no control. The event happened. I cannot change that. I cannot undo it. I can only decide how I choose to behave and whether to move forward with my life. My future actions will determine how I honor the memory of those harmed, not how long I can hold to the anger, resentment and bitterness of the past.

How do we forgive?

Forgiveness is both a value and a process. We aspire to be a forgiving person. To honor this value we must learn to forgive. Is it something we can train ourselves to do? It is easy to forgive someone if they step on our toe or even dent our car. It is relatively easy to forgive an accident. How does one forgive an act of malfea-sance? A violation of a contract? A betrayal in a relationship? How does one forgive an act of intentional harm? How does one forgive a rapist, a murderer, a serial killer, an Oklahoma bomber, an Adolph Hitler?

If we find a method for learning how to forgive, it must be applicable for a variety of circumstances along the dimension of inflicted harm, whether by accident or by design. I do not purport to have discovered an absolute, iron clad system for learning how to forgive. I do believe, however, that we can train ourselves to forgive and to become a forgiving person. I believe that forgiveness can be taught and practiced. I further believe that forgiveness ought to be a central value in our lives, along with such values as honesty, integrity, loyalty, kindness, generosity, civility, to mention but a few. And just as we must practice these other values and honor them in our daily lives, we should practice forgiveness.

We would begin by practicing forgiving folks who may have transgressed against us in minor ways and work up to forgiving more difficult acts of hurt and betrayal. Forgiveness is a process of letting go of resentments and emotional hurts inflicted by others. It is about making a decision not to dwell on the past, incorporating forgiveness as a part of our value system, and honoring that value by acting in ways that moves us toward that higher self to which we aspire. The following are some steps that may assist in this process:

• Make a conscious decision that harboring resentments over past hurt only does you harm. You must be able to understand that there is no value to maintaining a resentful, angry position. In other words, it does not serve you.
• Frame forgiveness as a strength, rather than a weakness. Once you understand that forgiveness facili-tates growth and represents a commitment to embrace life, it will be easier for you to let go of resent-ment and anger.
• Develop a vision or image of yourself as a forgiving person rather than an angry, resentful person. You cannot be both forgiving and resentful at the same time. These two attributes are mutually exclusive. To the extent that you hold onto resentment, you become less forgiving, and vice versa. Commit to the ideal of forgiveness. Imagine yourself being the person you want to be. Picture various scenarios and imagine how this forgiving person would deal with them.
• For dealing with a specific hurt inflicted by someone, Dr. Everett Worthington, Jr. suggests “recall the hurt as objectively as possible. Don't rail against the person who hurt you, waste time wishing for an apology that will never be offered, or dwell on your victimization. Instead, admit that a wrong was done to you and set your sights on its repair.”
• Dr. Worthington suggests that you “commit to forgive. When you forgive, you can eventually doubt that you have forgiven. When people remember a previous injury or offense, they often interpret it as evidence that they must not have forgiven. If you make your forgiveness tangible, you are less likely to doubt it later. Tell a friend, partner, or counselor that you have forgiven the person who hurt you. Write a "certificate of forgiveness," stating that you have, as of today, forgiven.” Remember, forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It means letting go of the pain, anger, and resentment associated with the event or memory.

_____
This essay is abstracted from Dr. Dreyfus's book, Keeping Your Sanity (In an Insane World), 2004, Xlibris.  http://www.keepingyoursanity.com/

Making Your Marriage Work

In previous generations it was not surprising to hear that a couple was celebrating their twenty-fifth, thirtieth, or even fiftieth wedding anniversary. Will any of the current generation celebrate these milestones? What can people do to increase the probability of a long and satisfying marital relationship?

People are questioning what they wanted out of marriage. Families are relying more upon hired domestic help in the form of housekeepers, caregivers and day care to fulfill many of the customary roles. Marriage is taking on a different meaning today that fifty years ago and serves a different purpose than was traditionally the case. If we add to this mix the awareness that we simply live longer than in previous generations, it becomes obvious that “until death do us part” means a lot longer than at any time in history. When folks are living well into their 80s and marry in their 20s, the span of time could be over 60 years. It becomes possible for us to consider multiple long-term relationships. People can consider one type of relationship for their childbearing years, and another type of relationship for the years afterwards. We can even consider having more than one family, i.e., raising children with more than one partner.

Despite all of these changes, most people enter marriage carrying with them many of the same beliefs appropriate for the previous traditional marriage. Their consciousness has not caught up with the reality of the times. Hence, when they marry they often find that their traditional beliefs are ineffective, leaving them with few guidelines on how to be in a marriage. Today’s marriages, more than any time in history, depend upon more upon communication, intimacy, relating, compromise, negotiation and understanding. We must be able to negotiate in the living room and make love in the bedroom, and be skilled at both.

Since both sexes are equally able to perform nearly all of the tasks required in a marriage, neither has to depend on the other for these abilities. Even the issue of having children no longer is necessary for marriage. People can choose to have children or not and can have children without having a partner. Even adoption is possible for single individuals. Therefore, the very basis for marriage changes from fulfilling certain functions to fulfilling emotional and psychological needs.

In order to learn more about how people maintain long-term marriages, and what some of the impediments to them might be, psychologists went out into the field to learn more.

Psychologist, Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, co-author of The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, carried out in-depth interviews with 50 couples who have been married at least nine years, had children together, and independently and who independently regarded their marriage as happy. Dr. Wallerstein identified several “psychological tasks” as the pillars on which any marital relationship rests.

1) Separate emotionally from one’s childhood so as to invest fully in the marriage and redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.

2) Build togetherness based on mutual identification, shared intimacy and an expanded conscience that includes both partners, while at the same time setting boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.

3) Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and to protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations; it is the second part of this task which must not be overlooked or taken for granted.

4) (for couples with children) Embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and to absorb the impact of Her Majesty the Baby’s dramatic entrance into the marriage. At the same time the couple must continue the work of protecting their own privacy.

5) Confront and master the inevitable crises of life and maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity and create a safe haven within the marriage for the expression of difference, anger and conflict.

6) Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation.

7) Provide nurturance and comfort to each other, satisfying each partner’s need for dependency and offer continuing encouragement and support.

8) Keep alive the romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.

Dr. Wallerstein’s tasks are not easy. To accomplish them requires that each spouse be committed to enhancing their marriage and making it work. In addition, they require that each spouse be equally committed to their own personal growth as well as the growth of their partner. The preservation and enhancement of the marriage partnership must be a top priority,

Psychologist Dr. Howard Markman at the University of Denver believes that “Love and commitment to the relationship are necessary for a good marriage, but they are not enough. What are needed, on top of that, are skills in effective communication and how to handle conflict.” Dr. Markman, along with Dr. Clifford Notarius of Catholic University of America, studied 135 about-to-be-married couples. “How you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive,” according to Dr. Markman. These researchers found that certain behavior patterns usually signaled an impending collapse in the marriage:

• When either partner -- although it is most often the male -- withdraws from conflict.

• The tendency to escalate conflict in the face of disagreement and the inability to stop fights before they get ugly.

• The tendency to invalidate the relationship by hurling insults at each other. Dr. Markman says, “one ‘zinger’ counteracts 20 positive acts of kindness.”

You should note that neither Wallerstein nor Markman say that we should avoid conflict. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. How we deal with conflict is the important issue.

In addition to the suggestions already made, the following additional ideas have been culled from the literature on what makes for a successful marriage as well my clinical experience with hundreds of couples.

Be Realistic. Couples often go into marriage with idealistic notions of what marriage is all about. These ideas are handed down from generation to generation or gleaned from popular magazines, TV shows, or simply conjured from their own fantasies of what they would like. Each individual should make clear what their explicit and implicit expectations are and clarify these expectations such that they are clearly understood by one another. Where there are discrepancies, a mutually satisfying compromise must be reached.

Do Not Take One another For Granted. This can be a killer for a relationship. It usually occurs sometime after the honeymoon period. When our partner feels taken for granted, not respected or acknowledged, and feels that others are a higher priority than him/herself, resentment brews. A regular “state of the union” check-in with your spouse as to how s/he is feeling about the relationship can help avert resentment build-up.

Communication Skills. Being able to communicate is one of the greatest assets in any relationship. Being able to articulate our thoughts and being certain that the listener understands what you wish to say take considerable practice. Often we believe we are saying one thing, while the listener is hearing something entirely different. The listener often is responding to either what they believed you to say or their own interpretation. Communication requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be at best difficult. The next time you want to discuss something important with your spouse, follow the following steps:

• Arrange for a convenient meeting time rather than trying to have a discussion on the fly when it is likely to be interrupted.

• Find a “talking stick” (any small object will do). So long as one person is hold the stick, that person also holds the floor. Once the stick is passed, it becomes the other person’s time to talk. This technique prevents interruptions.

• Express your point, and then, passing the stick, ask your spouse to repeat what you said so that you can be certain that you were at least heard. If your partner is not able to repeat what you said or you do not feel understood, repeat your point until you are satisfied.

• The listener’s job during this exercise is to be certain you understand and communicate that understanding to your spouse before you comment on the content of what you are being told.

• Once your partner feels heard, then it becomes your turn to comment and be heard.

• Continue this process until resolution, passing the “talking stick” and alternately being in the role of transmitter and receiver.

This approach, often referred to as “active listening,” once learned can prevent misunderstandings and serve to keep emotions under control. It is difficult to react emotionally if you are truly listening and have to communicate understanding before you get a chance to react.

Regular Meetings. There are two types of meetings that can facilitate communication: a business meeting and a date night. Scheduling regular business meetings to discuss the business aspects of the marriage is helpful and indicates that the marriage is a high priority in their life. Date night is one evening each week set aside for the purpose of emotional connecting. Each partner takes responsibility on alternative weeks for planning the date, just as they might have done during courtship. Dates do not have to be elaborate events. A picnic on the bedroom floor can be every bit as romantic as a $100 dinner.

Keep the Romance Alive. Maintaining the romance in a relationship is vital to the vibrancy of the relationship. Once folks marry they often become quite lax in this department. They allow business, chores, and children to get the way of their romantic life. In a busy life, especially if there are children, it takes considerable effort to maintain romance. But it is worth it. It takes planning, creativity and commitment.

Develop Sexual Skills. People believe that having sex is just “doing what comes naturally.” Believing this is like thinking that world-class ballroom dancers are simply born -- no rehearsals, no practice, no innovation, no experimentation, and no mistakes. Good lovers are made, not born. Many times men and women believe that somehow the man is supposed to “know” what to do and be good at it. Fearing failure, they do only what is tried and true. Sex becomes boring. Such predictability can lead to staleness and apathy. Communication about sexuality, and the willingness to experiment will keep the bedroom activities exciting, interesting and fun.

Be Complimentary. It costs nothing to compliment your partner and it sure feels good to receive them. We are often chary about paying compliments to our mates, letting them know that we think they are pretty/handsome, smart, clever, well-dressed, kind, a good parent, etc. We do not have to wait until some occasion when we purchase a greeting card to let our mates know that we think they are special.

Show Appreciation. Another small thing that feels good. Thanking your partner for making dinner or taking out the trash, picking up clothes from the dry-cleaners, and in general letting him/her know that s/he is appreciated can go along way in creating a caring environment. Couples are very quick to criticize one another when chores do not get done, but they are very remiss when it comes to showing appreciation.

Maintaining a contemporary marriage is no easy task. It requires hard work. To think that a successful marriage -- that is, a relationship between two people that is fulfilling, enhancing of self-esteem, emotionally gratifying, nurturing, and supportive -- can be achieved by merely living under the same roof without investing effort and time, would be naive. Some individuals believe that marriage should be easy, and if it is not, they think something is wrong.

Marriage, like any other worthwhile endeavor, requires patience and practice. When there is difficulty, it may require outside help. Just as a business may require a consultant, so too might a marriage. Marriages are complex and dynamic entities and maintaining a marriage is one of our most significant challenges.

How Does Coaching Differ From Psychotherapy?

More and more people are hearing the terms personal coach or life coach. There have been newspaper articles and professional articles written on the subject. Several people have asked me, “what is a life or personal coach and how is personal coaching different from psychotherapy?” Until recently, personal coaching has been confined to corporations where it is known as executive coaching or executive consulting. Today personal coaching has found its way into the public domain. This issue of the Psychotherapy Update will discuss personal or life coaching as a new trend that will become more available over the next decade to assist people in achieving a more fulfilling, rewarding and balanced life. Perhaps personal coaching is just what you’ve been waiting for to help you enrich your already satisfying life.

Coaching has been around for a long time. It is usually associated with sports, e.g., tennis coach, golf coach, track coach, football coach or baseball coach, to name a few. You want to get better at something, whom do you call? A coach. You want to become more physically fit, you call a personal trainer. Just as there are athletic coaches, voice coaches, and acting coaches, there are personal coaches. Personal coaches, sometime referred to as life coaches, are usually professionally trained mental health practitioners, who, in most instances, have been successful in their professional and personal life. In addition to their professional training, they have developed special skills in helping individuals develop their potential and fulfill their goals. Within the past years the practice of personal coaching has mushroomed. In 1994 it was estimated that there were approximately 1000 personal or life coaches nationwide. Today it is estimated that there are close to 5000. As people seek to achieve greater fulfillment from their work, their marriages, and their life in general, the need for personal coaches will continue to increase. Previously many people sought psychotherapy for personal growth not just for treatment of emotional problems or mental illness. Others wanted some other form of assistance without the association to mental illness carried by psychotherapy. Now people can turn to personal coaches whose focus is on growth and development of all areas of one’s life rather than on internal stress and emotional conflict.

Coaching and Mentoring

Mentoring has been around for as long as there have been relationships. Mentor was the name of the royal advisor to Odysseus in Homer’s Odyssey. A mentor is a trusted person to whom we turn for counsel, advice, and support who may act as a guide or consultant suggesting a path or course of action.

Many of us may have been fortunate to have in our lives an important person to whom we would turn for advice and counsel. This person may have been a revered uncle, a respected teacher, a member of the clergy, or our Scoutmaster. We often refer to these individuals as mentors. We look to them for assistance in helping us fulfill a part of ourselves. We want to develop a better self, whether that self is in relation to our school, work, business, or profession; or we want to develop more effective skills in organizing our life. These mentors may assist us in fulfilling our dreams and aspirations, and may become role models as well.

Coaching and mentoring have a great deal in common. A personal coach is similar to a professional mentor. The coach’s role is more clearly defined. The coach has no other relationship to the client than that of a coach. Therefore, there is no hidden agenda or conflict of interest. Often we seek a coach to help us achieve balance in our lives. Personal coaches believe that when all aspects of one’s life are in harmony, a synergy is formed that can propel and individual forward to achieve greatness.

When we turn to a personal coach, we want to become better at whatever it is that we are focused on. We want to actualize our potential. We know that we have the potential, we know that our business can grow or that our life can be better balanced, but we have difficulty in developing a plan of action that will help us reach our vision of the way things could be. Something is blocking us or we are too close to the project. We need a second pair of eyes. We need a boost. Professional coaches start with where you are. They work with you, as a collaborator, to help you realize your goals. Frequently they help you define and clarify your goals. Once your goals have been articulated, they then work with you to develop a plan of action for achieving those goals.

Coaching and Consulting

Consulting is a much more recent development. Industrial consulting developed after WWII followed by executive consulting and continued to evolve with the development of the human potentials movement in the 1970’s. Business schools and schools of management incorporated executive consulting into their programs. Executive consultants assisted top level managers in developing training programs, human resources, management skills, and organizational development.

Coaching is related to consulting; some consider coaching a subset of consulting. However, the consultant normally provides the consultation service for the period of the contract; once the consultant has completed the project, the relationship terminates. In personal coaching, the coach not only helps the client develop a plan of action to achieve a desired set of goals, the coach also stays with the client to help implement the changes and goals. With a consultant you pay for an expert’s advice and opinion. A coach will help you explore options. A personal coach will assist you in discovering alternatives that fit your agenda, rather than tell what to do. A coach will empower you to find the answers to your questions and develop a strategy for your life that is consistent with your values and beliefs. Generally speaking, coaching goes beyond consulting to incorporate all areas of your life rather than the narrower focus commonly found in consulting.

Coaching and Psychotherapy

What is the difference between coaching and psychotherapy? Coaching is not therapy. Personal coaches don’t work on “issues” or delve into the past. Nor do they deal much with understanding human behavior. Coaches do not focus on resolving past traumas that affect personality development nor do they try to change personality structures. Coaches do not attempt to ameliorate psychic pain, anxiety, depression, or sexual dysfunction. These are issues that are dealt with in psychotherapy.

A personal coach focuses on:

• Helping people set better goals.

• Asking their clients to do more than they would on their own.

• Helping their clients to focus better so as to product results more quickly.

• Providing clients with the tools, support, and structure to accomplish more.

Whereas psychotherapy focuses on the past and the present, coaching focuses on the present and future. The personal coach maintains a focus on the goals that the client decides s/he would like to achieve. The collaborative effort propels the individual to continually move toward the goal. In psychotherapy the assumption is that there is something wrong that gets in the way of a person’s functioning that needs fixing. In coaching the assumption that there is nothing wrong with the client, but the client wants an even better life. In psychotherapy the main focus is on the client’s internal world. In coaching the focus is on the client’s entire life including health, relationships, career, spirituality, etc., and how it all fits together.

Personal coaches help people develop a balanced life. They do this through strengthening their client’s personal foundation. Part of one’s personal foundation is recognizing and clarifying one’s core values. Most of us seldom take the time to delineate and clarify our values, those beliefs that are at the center of our belief. Often we act in ways that our contrary to our internalized values and we end up feeling uncomfortable, guilty, or even ashamed. Frequently, we are not aware of the causes for our disquietude. On exploration we may find that we acting in ways that are contrary to our own value system. A coach can help you explore your values and assist in developing a set of goals and actions that comport with this value system such that you feel in synch with yourself.

Coaches have no agenda but that of their clients. It is one of the few relationships where the client’s agenda is the only agenda that matters. Personal coaches want to assist you in actualizing your agenda on your terms. The objective of the coach to open new possibilities. The attention in coaching is solely on you and your agenda.

How Does Coaching Work?

Similar to psychotherapy, coaching works best when there are regular appointments. In order to maintain focus and honor commitments, continuity is necessary. However, coaching is not limited to face-to-face meetings. In fact, most personal coaching takes place over the telephone. Coaching is not limited to geographical location. One can be coached from any location. Coaching sessions are usually thirty minutes in length with three or four sessions scheduled per month.

There are many variables that contribute to the effectiveness of coaching:

1. Better goals are set, ones that naturally impel you forward.

2. Synergy between the coach and client creates momentum.

3. Accountability. Knowing that you have to report to someone on progress or completion of an assignment, impels you to completion.

4. Time limits and deadlines may set which mitigates procrastination.

5. Prioritizing tasks with your coach makes it more likely that the tasks will be accomplished.

6. Tasks are put into manageable pieces to avoid feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of the task.

7. You can borrow your coaches belief in you, until you develop a belief in yourself.

8. You have a partner in your coach; working with someone always feels more empowering than working alone.

9. You develop new skills.

10. When you have a coach, you tend to take yourself more seriously.

11. You take more effective and focused actions immediately.

12. You stop putting up with what is holding you back.

13. You set better goals that are more in accord with what you want out of life.

Why is coaching becoming so popular?

Thomas Leonard, founder of Coach University, says that coaching is becoming so popular for several reasons:

“Many people are tired of doing what they think they “should” do and are ready to do something special and meaningful for the rest of their lives. One problem is that many can’t see what this is or, if they can, they can’t find a way to reorient their life around it. A coach can help them do both.

People are realizing how simple it can be to accomplish something that several years ago might have felt out of reach or like a pipedream. A coach is not a miracle worker…but a coach does have a large tool kit to help the Big Idea become a Reality. Fortunately, people now have the time and resources to invest in themselves in this kind of growth.

Spirituality. If you track the phenomenal success of James Redfield’s Celestine Prophecy on the NY Times best-seller list back in 1994, you got a sense of just how many people are willing to look at, and consider, the notion of spirituality. Wow. Many coaches are spiritually based – even the ones who coach IBM or AT&T. America is growing more spiritual very quickly. ([My] working definition of spirituality? How connected you are with yourself and others.”) The coach helps the clients to tune in better to themselves and to others.”

How can I know whether I need a coach or a therapist?

Generally people have turned to a psychotherapist when they experience psychological pain that interferes with the conduct of their everyday life. They may experience anxiety, depression, sexual dysfunction, dysphoria, low self-esteem, lack of identity, obsessions, compulsive rituals, or a feeling that they are not functioning to capacity. Many people have turned to psychologists and other psychotherapists when they want to enhance their life. They seek therapy for personal growth and greater self-understanding.

Coaching begins where psychotherapy leaves off. The coach assumes that the client is well-functioning and is facing a roadblock or finding it difficult to get over the next mountain to greater fulfillment. People turn to coaches when their life is going well. Usually they are high-functioning people who want to expand their lives, their businesses, and their general outlook. They tend to be successful people who have a vision that they could go beyond where they are, but feel that they would like someone to work with them to achieve their goals. These are the same people who would seek a coach to improve their golf or tennis game, seek consultation in their business, or utilize a financial planner to assist with their finances. They seek a coach to accelerate their growth or maximize an opportunity. Some people choose a coach to help in the short-term for a specific task or project, while others engage a coach to restructure their life.

What training do coaches have?

Many coaches have a background in human behavior, psychology, or human development. A large number of coaches hold licenses in a psychological discipline, e.g., psychology, counseling, social work, etc. Others have a background in business, law or consulting. These individuals usually have sought additional training in coaching. Most all coaches have had extensive personal experience.

Many coaches, like myself, have found that coaching emerged naturally out of their clinical practice. After having been in practice for over 30 years, I have developed a body of experience. I have worked with individuals for years and watched them through their various life transitions. Many times people come back after being in therapy seeking something different from their therapy experience. They are facing an obstacle to their progress and wanted a trusted professional with whom to discuss their situation. Whether it is a business decision, a life decision, or a wish to change their lifestyle, they want a different perspective. So they have turned to me. Over the years I have found this type of relationship very rewarding. Often these people would jokingly refer to me as “Coach.” Little did I know that this title was to be prophetic. I am sure that many practitioners have found their way into coaching by a similar route.

People choose their coach on the basis of whether there is reason to believe that this person can help me to accomplish my goals. If they feel comfortable with their coach and believe progress is being made, they continue. Otherwise, they terminate the relationship. Coaching is not about “the doctor knows best” model. It is about what works for you.

After the Affair

Among the worst experiences a lover or spouse can endure is discovering that their partner either is having or has had an affair. The sense of betrayal is so powerful that one does not think it is possible to ever get over it...ever. Someone who feels betrayed may experience a wide array of emotions ranging from deep sadness to severe depression to murderous rage, and everything in between. There is no correct set of feelings appropriate to this universal experience. The effects of an affair on a relationship can similarly range from total destruction to a desire to learn from the affair and work toward strengthening the relationship. In the words of Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, an affair can either be "a death knell or a wake-up call."

Frequently, patients may say to me that they are considering having an affair. They may either have someone in mind, or they may be simply musing about the possibility. Invariably, however, there is some underlying issue that is driving these thoughts. Why else would they be willing to violate their commitment vows for a one-night stand? A one-night stand leaves the relationship altered in some way even if one is not caught. It leaves the unfaithful partner living a lie that will affect the relationship. I suggest that instead of acting on the fantasy, they discuss their discontent with their spouse, putting the issues on the table, and begin the process of working toward resolution before it is too late. The fantasy, itself, can be a wake-up call, letting the partners know that all is not well on the home front.

When an affair has already been consummated, however, it is difficult to get through the pain and anguish of the betrayal to look at the nature of the relationship that may have set the stage for the affair. All too often, this examination is experienced by the betrayed party as putting the responsibility on him or her rather than on the unfaithful partner. Nonetheless, if a couple has decided that they want to remain together despite the affair, this examination becomes part of the healing process.

To be sure, it is much easier to turn one's back on a relationship that has been damaged by an affair than to move toward getting beyond the pain to examine the relationship. It takes consider-able courage and determination to rebuild trust, examine one's own contribution to the state of the union, and to put in the required effort to make the relationship work. Similarly, it takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face his or her shortcomings, character failings, and fears to overcome the guilt for having inflicted such harm on one's partner, and move for-ward to earn forgiveness.

STAGES OF HEALING

According to Dr. Spring, there are three stages of healing:

Stage 1: Normalizing one's feelings. The betrayed partner is often flooded with a host of feelings. Almost any feeling that one has is normal. An affair leaves one feeling violated, alone, distrusting, and filled with self-doubt. Often there is a profound sense of loss, as though the very ground upon which one walks has been pulled out from under, leaving one suspended in space. There are many losses that one may experience: loss of faith, sense of specialness, self-respect, sense of purpose, to name a few. One may doubt one's sense of reality; one's fundamental beliefs may get thrown in to question. In short, someone who has been betrayed may no longer be sure of his or her own sense of identity. While one may feel as though he or she is going crazy, they are not. All of these feelings and more are completely normal given the magnitude of the trauma experienced.

The unfaithful partner may also be filled with a variety of feeling. However, no matter how awful he or she might feel, it does not compare to what the betrayed partner feels. It is not nearly as shattering for the unfaithful partner as it is for the betrayed.

Stage 2: Deciding whether to recommit or quit. Some people may believe that once a partner strays, the relationship is over. They may also believe that once there has been a betrayal, re-building the trust is impossible. Taking this position, however, precludes the possibility that people can change, that people can learn from their mistakes, and that something once broken can be repaired. Whatever one's beliefs, most psychologists would en-courage people to avoid making decisions based on assumptions that are highly subjective, or based on a highly charged emotional state. What feels right while one's emotions are raw may not be what's right later.

Essentially there are four options: (a) to leave the relationship and not look back; (b) to remain in the marriage and never discuss or explore what happened; (c) to stay in the relationship and permit the affair to continue; and (d) to remain in the relationship working toward rebuilding trust, developing a more intimate relationship, and developing a plan for assuring that it won't happen again.

If one chooses the first option of leaving the relationship, he or she runs the risk of not having learned anything from the affair, thus risking repeating the same mistakes again in the future. One also runs the risk of leaving with a great deal of bitterness that may build-up as time goes on.

If one chooses to simply put the affair behind without discussing any of the factors that may have led to the affair, one runs the risk of living a life of constantly wondering whether it will happen again. All of one's questions are left unanswered; one learns nothing, and one leaves the ground fertile for it to happen again or for suspicion to build. Neither party has the opportunity to learn from the experience.

If one chooses to remain in the relationship and permit the affair to continue, one is virtually assuring himself or herself a life of resentment, guilt, anger, depression, and loss of self-respect. Unless both parties have agreed to a sexually open marriage, and have the maturity to carry it off responsibly, in the majority of cases where it has been tried this option has not proven to be vi-able.

The last option, that of remaining together and working toward rebuilding one's relationship, gives both parties the opportunity to learn from the experience. It has the greatest probability for strengthening the relationship and moving it forward.

Stage 3: Rebuilding one's relationship. Once one has made the decision to work with one's spouse toward rebuilding one's relationship, one must be realistic about what one expects. It will not be an easy road. The process involves a careful self examination and an honest look at the relationship on the part of both the betrayed and the unfaithful. In my experience, couples who have made this choice have always learned a great deal about them-selves as well as about their partner. In order to maximize their learning, however, it is necessary for them to develop the necessary skills for doing so. Often it is necessary to consult with a trained mental health professional to facilitate the communication between the partners, especially in the often emotionally raw state immediately after the affair. The following suggestions can be helpful in developing the skills needed for effective communication.

Communication Skills. Being able to communicate is one of the greatest assets in any relationship; it is especially important when trying to rebuild a relationship after an affair. And it is especially difficult when dealing with the emotionally charged experience of betrayal.

Often we believe we are saying one thing while the listener is hearing something entirely different. The listener is responding to their interpretation of what was said. Communication requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be, at best, difficult.

• Arrange for a convenient meeting time rather than trying to have a discussion when it is likely to be interrupted.

• Find a "talking stick" (any small object will do). So long as one person is holding the stick, that person also holds the floor. Once the stick is passed, it becomes the other person's time to talk. This technique prevents interruptions.

• Express your point, and then, passing the stick, ask your spouse to repeat what you said so that you can be certain that you were at least heard. If your partner is not able to repeat what you said, or you do not feel under-stood, repeat your point until you are satisfied.

• The listener's job during this exercise is to be certain you understand and communicate that understanding to your spouse before you comment on the content of what you are being told.

• Once your partner feels heard, then it becomes your turn to comment and be heard.

• Continue this process until resolution, passing the "talking stick" and alternately being in the role of transmitter and receiver.

This approach, often referred to as "active listening," can prevent misunderstandings and serve to keep emotions under control. It is difficult to react emotionally if you are truly listening and communicating understanding before responding.

Dr. Springer suggests five areas that need to be addressed in the process of rebuilding a relationship after an affair. These areas can be used as the basis for discussions between the partners. These areas include talking about what each has learned from the affair, discussing what is necessary to restore trust, talking about what happened that led to and resulted from the affair, exploring sexual attitudes and behaviors, and sharing what would be necessary for the hurt party to forgive.

LEARNING FROM THE AFFAIR

In order to maximize one's learning from the affair, one first has to take a hard look at herself or himself. This is often the most difficult part of this journey. The natural tendency is to want to point one's finger at the other partner. The unfaithful partner wants to blame the betrayed partner for causing him or her to stray. The hurt partner wants to put the total responsibility on the unfaithful partner. To be sure, the unfaithful partner bears the lion's share of responsibility for the affair, since no one can make anyone be unfaithful; it is a choice. However, to spend a great deal of time engaged in finger pointing will teach the parties nothing and only serve to maintain distance between them. The task here is not to argue about who bears most of the guilt, but rather for each person to examine their portion of responsibility for how the relationship developed, and for the state of the union prior to the affair. The job is for each partner to examine their own baggage, their own issues, their own child hood experiences, their expectations, their assumptions, and what role each played in contributing to the difficulties in the relationship.

Each party can ask themselves the following: How have my childhood experiences affected my relationships today? How have I been damaged by infidelities in my own family? How are the qualities I dislike in my partner related to those I like or envy, and may be missing, in myself? How have stressful life events at the time of the affair knocked me off balance and contributed to my problems at home?

RESTORING TRUST

Trust is earned through action. It is not simply given, nor should it be expected. It must be earned through consistently providing an atmosphere where each party can feel safe. A trust is often considered sacred. And when it is violated, it is not easy to re-build. Most of us have had experiences during our lives that either prepared us to trust easily or prepared us to believe that we should be guarded. For those who grew up in a safe, nurturing environment, where people honored their word, where they felt safe and protected, trust comes easily. For those who experienced environments that were not safe, where they could not count on others, trust does not come easily. Hence, just how much time, and what specific types of behaviors may be required to restore trust, once violated, will vary depending on the life experiences of the hurt party.


When we speak of trust in the context of an affair we are referring to the belief that your partner will remain faithful to you and not betray you again. Springer refers to another form of trust as well. Namely, that form of trust that says that if you "venture back into the relationship, your partner will address your grievances and not leave you regretting your decision to recommit."

In order to rebuild trust with the hurt partner, the unfaithful partner will have to demonstrate that she or he is worthy of being trusted. This will require behavioral changes that may feel un-comfortable. The unfaithful partner may feel on trial; the truth is, he or she is on trial! He or she is being evaluated for trustworthiness. And it may take quite a long time to rebuild the trust; it is not an overnight process. In the aftermath of an affair, nothing can be taken for granted. The unfaithful partner will have to be conscious of her or his behavior 100% of the time. He or she will have to behave in ways that demonstrate love even when these feelings are not immediately felt. The unfaithful partner will have to answer the same questions repeatedly, until the hurt party is satisfied. He or she will have to live his or her life accountable to his or her partner, apprising the partner of his or her whereabouts, actions, and even thoughts. The unfaithful partner will have to commit to being 100% honest and candid; one contradiction can result in a significant setback, and widen the gap between the partners. The unfaithful partner must have a vision of how he or she wishes the relationship between the partners to be, and then do everything in his or her power to act in ways to create it.

TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

There is no substitute for talking through the hurt, disappointment, and anger that results from an affair. Simply moving on, putting the past behind one, is not sufficient to healing a shattered relationship. A significant part of the healing process requires that both parties have the opportunity to talk about what happened, what they each experienced, and their respective under-standing of the state of the relationship at the time. The hurt party needs to be able to express his or her hurt and anger and have the unfaithful partner truly listen and understand the magnitude of the damage caused. The unfaithful partner needs to share their dissatisfactions with the relationship, his or her state of mind at the time, and his or her confusion. Both partners need to be able to listen and fully understand the other's point of view even when it hurts to do so.

Each partner must be willing to be vulnerable. Each must be willing to be honest, personal, and deeply revealing about the affair and what it meant and what pain it caused. Now is the time for full disclosure. If one is going to rebuild the relationship, one cannot do so while maintaining secrets and telling lies and half-truths. It is a time to talk about grievances, shame, fear, sadness, hurt, rage, etc. It is a time for sharing and for listening.

SEX AGAIN

After an affair, resuming a normal sexual relationship may seem all but impossible. The hurt spouse often feels undesirable and may assume that the unfaithful partner would rather be with his or her lover. As much as the hurt partner wants assurances and physical closeness, he or she is apt to push the partner away, not wanting to be that vulnerable. There are the conflicting reactions of wanting closeness yet wanting to protect oneself. The unfaithful partner may still be in the throes of the break up with his or her lover and may miss the illicitness of the affair. Developing an intimate connection after an affair may take quite a while. It will be necessary to explore the assumptions that each may be making regarding the other's behavior. Before resuming sexual relations, learning to be comfortable in each other's physical presence, especially naked, may take time. It will not come naturally. It will take practice and conversations. Overcoming expectations and assumptions about sexuality will be part of the conversations. It is virtually impossible not to compare one's self or one's partner with the other member of the affair. Questions will emerge that need to be answered before more normal sexual relations can occur.

LEARNING TO FORGIVE

There are several important concepts to understand when it comes to forgiveness, especially after an affair. One has to for-give both him or herself and one's partner. There has to redemption. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

Forgiving oneself and one's partner. The betrayed partner must forgive himself or herself for, among other things, blaming him-self or herself for the partner's betrayal; for being naïve, ignoring one's suspicions, tolerating the partner's excuses for unacceptable behavior in order to preserve the relationship; having a poorly developed self-concept; and contributing to the partner's dissatisfaction at home.

The unfaithful partner must forgive herself or himself for feeling so needy; for exposing one's partner to life threatening disease; for blaming one's partner for one's own dissatisfaction; and for failing to confront one's partner with one's essential needs.

Redemption requires that the unfaithful partner makes a full disclosure of his or her transgressions and seeks to make amends to the betrayed partner. It is often very valuable for the unfaithful partner to put his or her amends in the form of a written contract, or vow of commitment, stating how he or she intends to honor the hurt partner. Spring refers to this as a "covenant of promises." "Promises mean little by themselves," she states, "but when they are coupled with specific, relevant behaviors, they can assure your partner of your continuing commitment to change."

Forgetting is not likely to occur; it should not be expected. Some people believe that with forgiveness there should be forgetting. One doesn't forget the traumas of his or her life, but one can come to terms with them. The fact that an affair took place will not disappear. However, a great deal of the emotional charge associated with the affair can dissipate as one works through the various stages.

CONCLUSION

An affair can serve as a new beginning for couples that wish to rebuild their relationship on a new foundation. Just as a house that has been damaged by a tornado can often be rebuilt to be stronger and more enduring than it was, so can a relationship that has been damaged by an affair. It requires that the individuals involved make a whole-hearted commitment to do whatever is necessary to rebuild the trust, love, and intimacy between them. This rebuilding takes time and patience. Similar to rebuilding house, there is a lot of debris that needs to be cleaned up and sorted through before the actual building can occur. Most often, it requires outside consultation. It is not a process that can be undertaken lightly, and expert advice is necessary.

______

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, sex therapist, and life coach, practicing in Santa Monica, CA. for over 30 years. For more information visit his website at www.docdreyfus.com.

This article is abstracted from his recent book, KEEPING YOUR SANITY (IN AN INSTANE WORLD, Xlibris, 2004 that can be at http://www.keepingyoursanity.com/.

Once Committed, Sex Fades

We've been dating a long time and finally moved in together. He was always passionate and sexy. Once we moved in together, I thought he'd be all over me. But he wasn't. The odd thing is hes all about snuggling and kissing and cute talk. He is very sweet and affectionate. But when it comes to sexual intimacy I feel like he is not attracted to me. At night he usually doesn't want to fool around but he always wants to snuggle. I don't get it...Ive tried looking sexier at night and he acts more like I'm a cute stuffed animal than noticing me in a sexy way. I really don't know what to make of it. We do fool around, but probably 3-5 times a month at most. I often feel sad and awkward about this. I'm 26 years old (so is he.) I don't get it...

This is not an uncommon complaint. And I mostly hear it from women, rarely from men. The problem often stems from the male idea of how to treat a woman. For many men, there are two types of women, those they date and with whom they have sex, and those who they respect. During the dating phase of a relationship, they are in hot pursuit (and pursuing women, drugs, alcohol, pornography all excite the same part of the brain and stimulate the same neurochemicals in the brain). There is a lot of brain chemistry going on putting them in a highly charged mood. Part of the pursuit is the illicit nature of the relationship and the challenge of obtaining the prize. Men are very visual creatures. They grew up looking at Penthouse, Hustler, and Playboy. They watch porn. They want to act out those fantasies with women that they are dating and pursuing. However, once they commit to a relationship, especially when they are either living together or married, everything changes. The illicit behavior as well as the chemistry of pursuit fades away. Now they are just left with the relationship itself without the neurochemicals operating. There is also a cognitive shift. The woman no longer is compared to the Penthouse model or porn queen; she is now family. She is more like mother/sister. An they do not look at her as someone with whom to do "the nasty." In their mind, sex and intimacy do not work together. One has sex with "those type of women" not with someone whom they respect or see as the potential mother of their children. How can do "those things" with their child's mother or with someone they care about as family?

So that leads us to the bigger question: What can be done about it? What is necessary is to be able to integrate intimacy with sex. Easier said than done. It begins with having the conversation about attitudes about sex and working toward changing the way in which sex is understood. If I compare "pursuit sex" and "intimate sex" it would like comparing that juicy hamburger with all of the special sauce with fine dining. Seeking the burger is like a craving; seeking a fine quality dining experience does not have that craving element; it is more of an acquired taste rather than something to satisfy an immediate need. So the task is learning how to have a "fine dining" sexual experience where it is more about having the relationship, getting to know one another, creating an experience, than merely getting off. This obviously takes practice, conversation, and often requires the assistance of a sex therapist/couples counselor.

Issues of Trust

I have lived with my boyfriend for 9 months and love him dearly. However, we have trust issues. He is suspicious by nature and reads my emails and constantly 'checks up on me'. He often cites Dr. Phil as an excuse and says there should be total transparency in a relationship. I agree but don't think this should be taken to extremes. He insists on knowing my passwords etc.

There is a big difference between transparency and privacy. Transparency refers to a genuine and open relationship, where no attempt is made to deliberately hide important information from one's partner that might affect the relationship. Transparency offers each partner the opportunity to fully know one another. It requires that each individual voluntarily make an effort to reveal themselves to one another in an effort to be real. While total transparency might be a goal, it does not mean that individuals in a relationship are not entitled to privacy. The concept of transparency does not give license to the parties to violate personal boundaries, to invade personal space, or to be intrusive. Even the most transparent of individuals have areas of thought and action that are not open to public scrutiny. These areas might include reading someone else's mail whether postal mail or email, reading a personal diary or journal, demanding to know the content of all conversations held with other people, etc.

Trust is a two-way street. It suggests that each party will take a leap of faith that says that each believes that the other will not do anything to intentional harm the other person. Trust is gradually built as we learn more about each other. Transparency facilitates trust. When you describe your boyfriend as checking up on you, this suggests that he has not made that leap of faith. He does not respect your privacy. And he is not building intimacy. He seems more concerned about his own insecurities than he is about the affect of his behavior on the relationship. I suggest that either he backs off or that you back out.

In Love With Husband's Friend

I love my husband's good friend and he loves me. We've been having an emotional affair for over a year, no sex. We've been married 27 years, the kids are grown, and there's nothing between husband and me anymore. I know my husband loves me and he is a good person, but I feel nothing. His friend is separated and feels very strongly about me, but he won't have sex with me unless I was separated from my husband. I don't know if I should leave my husband. Help.

Your story and your dilemma are not new to me; I have heard similar stories many times. It usually goes something like this: a couple marries young and was very much in love with each other. Then the children came along. The husband feels the responsibility for supporting the family so he focuses on work. The wife focuses all of her energy on taking care of the children and tending the home. Gradually, the connection between them fades as they go through their day-to-day activities; the primary conversation between them is about the children, chores, and family events. Not a particularly romantic connection.

We fast forward and the children are grown and out of the house. The couple has settled into a comfortable, but mundane lifestyle, with little or no passion. They barely know one another except as parents to their children. They each recognize that something is missing, but neither is sure what it is or how to get it. That is, until one of them connects with someone else who reminds them that they are still young, exciting, and passionate. In your marriage, it was you who found someone responsive to you, making you feel like a young woman again, alive and passionate. So you question whether you love your husband and whether you should leave him for this other man who sees you as something other than "the wife and mother." And it feels great!

Here's the problem. You are vulnerable and your new friend is in transition. The beauty of an emotional affair is that neither of you have to deal with the day-to-day acts of living together. You have those special stolen moments together where you can gaze soulfully into each other's eyes and feel totally connected; and you fill in the rest with fantasy. For his part, you are a safe distraction while he is going through the difficulty of a divorce. You are what we call a "transitional object" for him -- a person who facilitates a transition from being married to being single.

Let's say you separate from your husband to be with this man. In the beginning things seem to be great. Conversation is all about your respective divorces, your ex-spouses, and everyone's reaction to your new situation. This temporarily brings you close together as you unite against the social pressures. Then things die down and you have to face each other every day, not only on those stolen moments with all of the attendant excitement of an illicit romance. But rather the stuff of daily life: work, laundry, housekeeping, and so on. And, of course, there's the guilt of knowing that you did not work on your marriage. Will the romance survive?

What I am about to suggest won't be easy for you to do. But it will be worth it in the long run and leave you feeling a lot better about yourself should you end up leaving your marriage.

Go to your husband and tell him that now that the children are grown and gone, you are having a difficult time just going through the motions of a married woman. Tell him that it has been a long time since you felt that romantic spark in the marriage and that you want to re-invent your marriage. Tell him that you are not willing to merely go "quietly into the night" and grow old gracefully. Tell him that you want passion, excitement, and to feel that he wants you and sees you as a beautiful and exciting woman. Tell him that you are willing to work on the marriage with him to see whether the two of you can re-kindle the excitement of your earlier days together and that you are willing to seek marriage counseling with him. You might also tell him that you are finding yourself feeling responsive to other men's interest in you and you are using that as a signal that something is missing in your marriage. Let your attraction to your friend spark you to try to re-habilitate your marriage before you make a decision that you might regret and before your husband suspects your emotional infidelity.

If your husband is non-responsive to your suggestion and if your attempts at re-defining your marriage to suit your current situation with the help of marriage counseling fail, then you can at least say you gave it your best shot before ending your marriage. You have little to lose and everything to gain.

One more thing: many women (and men in similar situations) don't want to confront their spouse. They don't want to give up the excitement of the illicit affair. It is that excitement that leaves them feeling alive. By comparison, working on one's marriage is hard and often painful. Also, if the work does not lead to a fulfilling marriage, then they have to face the difficult decision of whether to remain married or divorce.

I Gave Up My Career For This?

My husband and I have been married for over 11 years. We have two girls, ages three and one. I gave up a good career in industry in favor of government employment in order to have more family time. My husband used to be good about coming home for meals and participating in family life important to him. During the past year this has changed. He is frequently late coming home or he misses dinner altogether. When he picks up our three year old from day care he waits until the last minute. He has no interest in sex with me or in me as a person. I can't seem to do much right. He's always stressed and frequently yells at the children daily. I've tried to discuss it with him but he gets angry and says I'm stressing him. He says he gets no support from me. I want to leave him and take the kids with me, but he's a good dad and a gentle man. I'm afraid of hurting my girls, but I'm worn out.

You and your husband were childless for the first eight of your 11-year marriage. Until you had children you had a good career in industry. No doubt you were making a lot more money than you currently make working for the government. Hence, I can deduce that you and your husband enjoyed a fairly affluent lifestyle of a two-career household. You could come and go as you please, make love when you felt like it, travel whenever you wished, etc. A typical young, affluent couple. Then one or both of you decided to have children. That changed everything, probably in ways that you did not predict. You left your lucrative career figuring that you would trade the single couple lifestyle for family life. When you had your first child, life changed. But since it was the first you probably were able to enjoy the novelty of the experience....at least for a while. But there were other changes as well, not the least of which was your energy level and your body changes. Two years later along comes number two child. No sooner than one is sleeping through the night, you have a second to keep you awake. Two children amount to more than twice as much change; it is a quantum jump, especially when they are only two years apart.

So, as you are focusing on taking care of two children, where is your husband? What is he feeling about all of this? How is he experiencing the tremendous life change that has occurred? Eight years of being the focus of your attention, now he is number three on the list...or perhaps number four if you have a dog. And, of course, what about you? You have a full-time job and a 24/7 job at home. What happened to going out with the girls? What about shopping until you drop? Spending the day getting your hair, nails, and toes done...where did that go? And stretch marks and other body changes...how have they affected your spirits? And now your husband yells, does not pay attention to you, has a short fuse, and you just want to pack up and blow this burg.

This family life is not what you had imagined when you left the single couple scene and gave up your high-powered career. Welcome to the real family! My guess is that you and your husband need some serious professional help to sort through the myriad feelings that come along with family life. No one really tells you how children can change your life. I suspect your husband is resenting not having time with you. I imagine that you both miss those quiet evenings enjoying a glass of wine after a day at work. Some people can adjust to the reality of holding down a full-time job during the day and having to honor the demands of parenthood at night. Learning how to make time for romance uninterrupted by demanding children takes work. Relegating sexual connection to the last thing before going to bed is a sure fire way of dimming those passions if not eliminating them altogether.

How much time have you spent exploring each other's feelings rather than demanding or criticizing one another? How much time has been spent in discussing how much you may miss being the #1 priority in each other's life? These are all real issues faced by most couples. Some find the shift easier than others; and sometimes one spouse makes that transition sooner than the other. Open dialogue is essential without feeling shame or guilt for the feelings one is having. These are sensitive issues and a trained professional can assist in the process.

Potpourri

Frequently I receive inquiries from people that I choose not to post on this blog. These inquires are usually funny, odd, simple, or in my opinion would be of little interest to most readers of this blog. I am posting them here with some brief commentary thinking perhaps they might be of interest to some readers:

*******

I am in a relationship with a guy that I simply don't care for. He's a nice guy but something's amiss and I can't figure it out. He takes me out, pays $6.00 for each dinner every Friday night, but he's still physically attached to his old girlfriend even though she left him for her to marry someone else. He is a self-professed perfectionist, but he is anything but perfect and I find him dreary and boring. I would like him if he had a mind of his own but I've yet to find one. What's going on in his head? What type of personality am I dealing with?

Why do you care? If he is boring, dreary, and you don't care for him, move on!

***

I have a male friend that takes me out but he always makes me stop at his former lovers home afterwards even though she is married now. I finally got my friend to take me to see his new home after two years. I was appalled. His home was anything but perfect. He had ugly old bedding over two brand new lovely black leather couches, dust three inches thick on every table in the house, all his Aunt's old pictures (he bought the house from her) everything was strewn all over the place in his dining room---a bedroom dresser, a fish tank, a cover for a radiator, a four drawer filing cabinet. The dining room table was in a cubby where it didn't belong (an entranceway), the small bedroom had two unmade bunkbeds and and was sloppy. In the master bed had a well made bed because he stated that he sleeps "on top" of the covers so he doesn't have to "mess up" his new sheets. He had two very nice things in the home. A tea pot that looked "exactly" like mine after he told me that he doesn't use a tea pot just the microwave and a garbage can---exactly like mine. He takes care of his ex-lover's son since he was born and when she left him for another man, (she and her mother live in the same house) he continued on hanging on to her, watching her son, visiting her mother as though she never got married. My other friends think this is very weird. Even when he talks, all his ideas belong to her. I think this so strange. Before me, he was living with this woman for ten years and he took on her concepts and personality but it doesn't work for him. She has the ability to be flexible, he does not.

My question is this, "What is he hiding from me or better yet himself?" I find him to be extremely boring and all he can talk about are things that pertain to her and her life. To her, he talks about me. I wonder if he's psychotic. Am I missing something here? He's a nice, yet extremely boring man and I think he doesn't own his own personality.

And my question to you is, "Why are you wasting your time trying to figure out what's going on in his head?" Get on with your life.

***

My girlfriend and I have known each other for approximately four years. She was dating when we met and was in a sexual relationship with him. She had continued a sexual relationship with him until we got together. And six months into our relationship she cheated on me with him and got pregnant. I did not know she was pregnant. I broke up with her to organize my life in order to begin one with her. I then found out she slept with him the day after we broke up. What should I do?

It's time for you to move on. Your girlfriend is still attached to her previous boyfriend, is pregnant with his child, and is not able to sustain a monogamous relationship with you. What more do you need to know?

***

I come from Slovakia, I am married and have a four year old child . In the last few months my husband had refused to communicate with me. I did not why. But the last week of February he told me he is chatting with a few women and he started to talk with one of them very seriously. He called her, but she refused him. Now he found another woman and he is chatting with her. I am unhappy, he is very different man than when we first met. I would like to ask you about help. What should I do? I thought a lot about divorce, but I love him very much.

You are in a tough situation because you have a four year old child. I suggest that you tell your husband that if he continues these liaisons with other women, he is putting your marriage in jeopardy. Tell him you want to seek marriage counseling with him to find out why there has been a change in his behavior and in order to strengthen your marriage. You both owe it to your child to create a loving marriage. If he refuses to stop his behavior and to seek counseling, you will have to decide whether it would be better for your child and yourself to move on. Under what circumstances will your child have a happier mother? Divorced or living with a man who is having affairs with other women?

***

I am a divorced 25 year old woman and mother of two children. Men usually say that I am beautiful and attractive, but I don't see myself that way. I hate the way my body looks, I used to be very big and I've lost a lot of weight and because of this my body looks really good with my clothes on but horrible without them. I met this guy and I am crazy about him but I am really ashamed of my body and I fear that he is going to be disappointed and reject me once he sees me naked. I know that if he does that he won't be worth it, but the thing is that I don't think I can handle that kind of rejection. It is so much my fear that I've considered telling him that I don't want to see him ever again, so I won't have to deal with his rejection . What can I do?. How can I change the way I feel about myself?

You should be proud of yourself for having lost weight. Often women who have been overweight and subsequently lost a lot of weight, find that their body-image is somewhat distorted. They have difficulty incorporating their new body into their self-image. Additionally, often after losing weight, there is a lot of flabbiness remaining due to skin stretching, etc. I suggest the following:

• Get into group psychotherapy and/or a support group for people who have or had weight problems. These groups can help you develop a more positive self-image and great self-confidence.
• Before simply leaving this man, have a conversation with him. Talk honestly with him about your fears. Men and women all have issues regarding their bodies. We live in a body-conscious society. Men are concerned with everything from their love-handles to the size of their penis. You might be very surprised with his response.

***

After having intercourse and orgasm, should the male be expected to continue trying to give clitoral orgasm to his partner or is it more normal for him to become disinterested and not perform this?

Are sexual relationships all about you and your needs? Does you partner matter to you? If you are in a relationship and if you care about your partner, her needs should matter. So the answer is simple; yes, you should be a less selfish lover and learn to pleasure your partner as well as yourself. Sexual relationships are similar to intimate dancing, where each partner is trying to make their partner look good on the dance floor.

***

I have a good relationship with my husband. The marriage is the second for both of us. He has come out of an abusive first marriage, (with a diagnosed borderline woman). Sometimes, when we argue, I sense that he loses his connection with me, and our issue, and begins to tap into the hurt and pain from his first marriage. The anger he has is then discharged in our argument, and I feel helpless to bring him back to me. Can I do anything to address this in our relationship?

Your husband may need to seek some psychotherapy in order to work through his residual feelings about his previous marriage. You might be able to lessen the impact of these episodes by having a conversation with him when there is no argument. Tell him how it feels to you when these behaviors occur. Presumably he is aware of the inappropriate anger he feels when the two of you argue. The two of you may then be able to come up with a plan for how you can signal him the next time you argue that he might be reacting with greater intensity than warranted. You can then take a time-out for him to calm down before continuing the argument.

***

I recently found pictures of my husband's ex-girlfriend in the bathroom. When questioned he admits that he used them to masturbate. I am deeply hurt by this and can't seem to get over it. He claims he only used these pictures because he was bored of his regular magazines and videos he had of us. Should this trouble me or is this a sign that he is not satisfied with what I've provided?

This may be symptomatic of something amiss in your relationship or it may be indicative of your husband's continued attachment to his ex. Perhaps you and your husband ought to be examining how the two of you can create a more intimate relationship and a more passionate, exciting, and interesting romantic life including your sexual relationship. Men tend to approach sex as a only a physical act not realizing that the emotional connection is equally if not more important.

***

Retarded Ejaculation

My partner has retarded ejaculation. We have been together for six months and have good sex. We are roughly same age I am 50 and he is 49. Prior to our relationship he had not had sustained relationships with other women. He has confided that prior to meeting me he masturbated to pornographic movies and visited female sex workers. He reports he had difficulty achieving orgasm and ejaculating with sex workers, however as he was able to successfully attain ejaculation during masturbation. An added complication is that he is HIV carrier; we use condoms. He acknowledges he worries he will infect me. He seems to have had this problem as far back as he can remember even prior to the HIV diagnosis. I am nervous about discussing this continually as I do not want to impede an otherwise good sexual life. We are able to talk about everything together and he regards me as his soul mate. I think this must be incredibly frustrated when he cannot climax. Is there anything we can do to change this situation?

There are many reasons for "retarded ejaculation," mostly having origins in psychological factors. The two most common reasons for this condition are fears of impregnating a woman and the need to control the level of intimacy; both can be simultaneously present. The former reason is self-explanatory; the latter is more complicated. Many men have conscious or unconscious attitudes about intimacy and sex. They can either be emotionally intimate or sexually intimate but not both with the same woman. These men are often capable of climaxing with prostitutes, but not with a partner with whom they are intimately attached. Since you report that he has not been able to ejaculate even when participating in anonymous or non-intimate sex with "sex workers," it appears that the issue may be related to the former issue. Without having direct contact with him for a detailed exploration of his psychological and sex history, it is not possible for me to determine etiology.

That being said, I can suggest that your partner has been training himself for many years not to ejaculate inside of a woman, in effect practicing a form of birth control. Now with being HIV positive, he has the added fear of transmitting the virus. This would be sufficient to create a problem for most men. In this regard, I would strongly suggest that he find a professional psychologist to talk with in order to help deal with the psychological implications of being HIV positive, i.e., what it means to him to be HIV positive. I would also be interested in knowing how he contracted the virus. If he contracted it through sexual intercourse, for example, this could serve to confirm his unconscious beliefs in the dangers of sexual intercourse and ejaculation.

There are several things that the two of you can practice that might help alleviate the situation, but there are no guarantees. Since you report that he is able to achieve orgasm through masturbation with the aid of pornography, it appears that he has trained himself to be sexually aroused to hardcore, sexually explicit material rather than through emotionally connected intimacy. He has separated sexuality from intimacy, relegating sexuality to mere release. Continuing this practice of isolating sexuality to self-stimulation exacerbates the problem. What is necessary to bring a live partner -- namely you -- with whom he is emotionally connected into his sexual activity thereby transferring the sexual experience to interactive sexuality.

So for starters you might begin by watching some pornography together to promote a sexual response while touching and caressing each other. What we would want to do here is eventually to have you bring him to climax manually rather than him doing it to himself. The key, however, is to connect the sexual response to an overall emotional and physical connection with you rather than to the pornography. Gradually, as success is achieved in this manner with you bringing him to climax (beginning with both of you fondling him so that he can show you how he likes to have it done), you can attempt penetration even if it requires disengagement to complete the ejaculatory process manually. With practice in graduated increments a complete transfer might be achieved. I say "might be achieved" because there are so many complications involved: the number of years that he has practicing his own form of sexual response, the HIV, using a condom which decreases sensitivity, and whatever other psychological factors might be in play.

My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me

My husband is not attracted to me AT ALL. We have been together almost three years. We are both 36 years old and this is the second marriage for both of us. The first six months of our relationship was great; we had sex two or three times a week. In the last two years I think we have had sex five times. We have had sex twice in the last year. Now I am eight months pregnant. Every time I try to talk to him about our sex life, it turns into a huge argument. I am at my wits end and considering leaving him after the baby is born. He says he loves me, but is stressed out from work. Or he accuses me of only being interested in sex; he calls me a whore because I ask him for sex. I am an attractive woman and I never have had this problem with anyone in my life. Please help me!!!

Unfortunately, yours is not an uncommon story. All too frequently I hear tales of how relationships that began with passion and romance change within the first year. Often these relationships were more about lust or desparation than about love, and more about conquest than about intimacy. Once the dating period is over and the conquest accomplished, the parties often find that they have little in common, especially in the areas that matter. Things get worse when they marry because the relationship is taken for granted as one or both parties focus on work and other areas of personal interest. They forget that making a marriage fulfilling demands that each party work at it, e.g., keeping the romance alive through a weekly date night.

It is similar to planting a garden. Once planted the flowers must be attended to; they must be nourished and fed, watered, and pruned. If not they will die and weeds will take over the once beautiful flowers. All too often peope fear intimacy and commitment. In the most successful marriages, the parties were best friends prior to marriage and continue to be best friends afterwards.

You do not indicate the basis for your marriage. Nor do you say how long your have been married. The sex diminished after the first six months of the relationship, yet you still married. Why wasn't the problem addressed right away? And why did you decide to have children? Were you operating on the "biological clock" issue? There are too many unanswered questions to give very specific counsel. I can say this, however. Now that you are going to have a baby you have a responsibility to give this marriage your best shot. And that means telling your husband that you are unhappy with the marriage. That love alone is not enough. That he is disrespecting you when he calls you a "whore" and tries to make you bad for wanting greater physical and emotional intimacy. Tell him that you want him to go with you for marriage counseling and that if he does not go with you, then you are considering divorce. The two of you owe this much to your child, if not to one another.

Too Little Affection

My husband is leaving me because he says I don't show him enough affection. I grew up in a home that was emotionally distant. My siblings and I never showed any signs of affection to my parents or to each other and and my parents did not show affection toward us. It has never been a problem, because we understand that we all care and love each other. I told my husband that I would go to counseling to work on how can learn to show affection. I would like to explain to him this is a legitimate issue and that a lot of people experience it. He says that I'm the only one with this issue and I can easily solve it by changing. Is there a name for this problem, so I can show him this is legitimate and I need help with it?

You are quite right in believing that there are many people who, because of upbringing, early childhood experiences, and cultural factors, have difficulty being demonstrative with their affection. You are to be applauded and encouraged for your willingness to seek professional help. When children are raised in an unemotional, unaffectionate environment, they often experience various forms of attachment difficulties ranging from difficulty in forming intimate relationships, sharing feelings, feeling comfortable with physical contact, being emotionally detached from people, and so on. The list goes on with many variations.

In some cultures it is very common for people, men and women, hug and kiss one another as a way of greating one another; men kissing men and holding hands is just as common for women. In some cultures and some families it is frowned upon for two men to embrace. Without exploring your specific circumstances it would be difficult for me to tell whether your difficulties are culturally learned behaviors or whether there is an underlying attachment issue or other psychological difficulty with physical intimacy. That would be the function of the trained professional with whom you choose to consult.

Affects of Statutory Rape

My boyfriend had his first sexual encounter at age 12 with a female troop leader; he considers it to have been consensual and positive. By age 15 he was having sex with his English teacher. Now he's 27 and he's had at least 150 sex partners, numerous orgies, and can't abstain from sex for more than a month. He's excessively proud of his sexual prowess and skill. I'm not judging him. But is this 'healthy' or 'normal'? My instincts tell me something is wrong as evidenced by his sexual control, trust, and commitment issues. Could these early sexual experiences with women in positions of authority have caused these issues? What kind of psychological damage, if any, could he have?

Legally your boyfriend was raped by both the troop leader and his teacher. Adults who have sex with minors can be prosecuted for statutory rape, regardless of whether the act was considered consensual by the minor. It is an abuse of power. It is even more egregious when the adult his someone entrusted to care for the minor. Such behavior is a violation of that trust. You described a fairly common result.

The process often often goes something like this: an adolescent boy is seduced by an adult in authority. As most adolescents he considers it somewhat of a feather in his cap for having an older woman show sexual interest in him. While he is physically mature enough to engage in sexual behavior, he is far from emotionally mature enough to handle it. He cannot talk to anyone about his experience because he feels guilty, perhaps ashamed and protective of the adult. He thus may feel estranged from his peer group, his parents, and others. As he grows up he begins trying to work out some of the internal struggles. He may become sexually promiscuous, seeking women whom he can control in the manner in which he was controlled by the troop leader and teacher. He wants to do to them what was done to him. He has to repeatedly prove that it is he who is in control, not the other way around. Genuine, mature intimacy is difficult for these men. They have difficulty trusting women; in your boyfriend's case, the two women who were supposed to take care of him failed him. They took care of themselves at his expense. They controlled him through the power of their position and took advantage of him; he was vulnerable.

Psychotherapy can be very helpful to men who have been molested, even if they claim to have enjoyed it and found it to a positive experience. It gives them opportunity to explore their feelings and discover the long term, often unconscious, affects these early experiences had on them. The result of effective treatment is that they become capable of engaging in an intimate, loving relationship with a woman where loving sex becomes integral to the relationship.

Desperate Mother

I am 38 year old mother of four school age children. I am working two jobs and have been in a relationship for two years with a man with who has two teenagers. His children don't like me and my children are not wild about him. We have fallen in love; or I think it is love. A month ago he got drunk and proposed. I said "someday" even though my gut said no. I am now trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship. I don't think we are compatible. My children say he is not the one and deep down I know it too. I don't want to hurt him. I owe him a lot, mostly financially. I have never been alone. I am afraid of letting go of something that maybe God wants me to have and I don't know it. I am very ill now trying to figure this out. HELP?!

You life is quite busy, even somewhat overwhelming. Being a mother of four and holding down not one, but two jobs has got to daunting. I can understand your wanting a partner, both as a psychological support and from a financial perspective. The big question is whether this is the right relationship for you. Your gut is telling you that this relationship is not for you. Your children say the same thing as your gut. Your brain agrees with both your gut and your children. Three votes against. Even his children seem to believe that this relationship is not right. Yet you are still ambivalent, even trying to figure out whether God has the time to intervene in your life and has ordained this relationship. Not likely. He gave human beings free will and the ability to choose. The real question is whether you have the courage to make the decision that you know is correct for you and whether you will be able to deal with knowing that you may have hurt him. This pain will pass in a while for both of you. The pain of being in a relationship that is not fulfilling, however, will continue to grow. As the song says, "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, and know when to walk away..."

Is Once a WeekToo Much?

After 25 years of marriage our sex life is not bad, but my husband believes he is "entitled" to sex at least once a week. Sometimes even that feels like too much for me, and I don't like to be "pressured" into having sex if I don't feel like it. We are in our 60s. Is there a normal, or average, amount of sex for people our age? What is the appropriate response when one partner wants sex once a week and one doesn't?

I am often asked the question as to what in the normal or average frequency for a couple to engage in sexual activity. The answer is simply that normal or average is not a relevant question when it comes to frequency. What is relevant is whether the sexual connection meets the needs of both parties involved and how the couple negotiates on how that need will be met. Too many couples think about frequency of sex as though there were an absolute standard. And when they think of sex they only think of sexual intercourse. Sexual intimacy is more than just intercourse. In involves an entire array of experiences shared between two parties. Perhaps if you and your husband viewed your sex life as an opportunity to connect with one another, to be romantic with one another, to get to truly know one another emotionally as well as physically, it might not feel so obligatory and "pressured" as you have described it. When was the last time the two of you took a bath together with candlelight and music? How long has been since your gave one another a full body massage with fragrent body lotion and soft music playing? Have you ever made picnic on the bedroom floor with a bottle of wine and your favorite delicasies? These are all part of a sexual relationship and you might enjoy them more than once a week and so might your husband. Being 60 years old has nothing to do with knowing how to make love; and making love is more than merely having intercourse.

Intimacy and Kissing

Why would a partner who has no reservations about any other sexual or sensual experience refuse to kiss? He likes to experiment with anything new I ask him to do, even toys, but does not kiss me.

That's a question that should be asked of your partner. Kissing is a very intimate act. It creates too great a sense of closeness, a commitment that they do not want to make. Prostitutes often do not kiss their clients for this reason. They simply avoid it. Kissing is the first sensual act we learn. We kiss our parents and our children. So can become the most intimate sensual act, whereas during sexual intercourse we can detach ourselves from the experience. It becomes simply a physical act rather than an act of connection to our partner.

You mentioned all of the adventurous things that your partner is willing to participate in. But you do not say anything about intimacy. Activities that are purely sexual in nature are not necessarily intimate. They are playful. Kissing makes the event more intimate. Furthermore, in order for a couple to enjoy kissing, they must practice. However, some people have difficulty telling their partner that they do not like the way the partner kisses...or that their breath smells.

Sex Is Boring

I am a twenty-seven year old who is married, but find sex boring; I feel like it is a mandatory thing for me to do. How can Imake myself want to make love again with my husband instead of feeling that it is merely an obligation?

You question "...make love again with my husband..." is very revealing. It suggests that at one time you did enjoy sex with your husband. So what happened? Apparently something went awry in the course of your marriage and in your sexual relationship in particular. Making love is similar to dancing. Each party must learn how to dance with a partner; it takes practice. And you must be innovative, experimenting with new steps. However, if there is a problem in the relationship, there isn't going to be much motivation to be adventurous and exploratory. So the first step is explore the nature of your relationship. Is the marriage going stale because there is little effort being expended on one or both your parts to keep the romance alive in the relationship? Are you taking each other for granted? Sexual excitement in a marriage is about what happens outside of the bedroom as well as inside the bedroom.

Masturbation

I am away from my girlfriend for a while and masturbate a lot. Does this affect my sperm count in any way or affect my sexualperformance?

Masturbation will not affect your sperm count. Masturbation in and of itself will not affect sexual performance. However, if you are practicing rapid masturbation, i.e, trying to finish quickly, you might be building a habit of rapid ejaculation. Also, the recovery time required between ejaculations varies from person to person. Hence, if you require a lengthy recovery time then trying to have intercourse shortly after masturbation may require a longer time to ejaculate again. The younger men are, the shorter the recovery time.

She Loves Him, But Doesn't Like Him

I love my husband but I don't like him as a person. We have two kids together whom we both adore. But he can be a very cold hearted, insensitive jerk whom no one wants to deal with. And on top of everything else, he has such a short temper that everything upsets him and we end up not speaking for days at a time. Our vacations and holidays routinely get ruined because we get into an argument over something or other. Believe me, some of those reasons are so menial it's not even worth mentioning. I've been with him 10 years and almost divorced once before, but nothing seems to work. I try to deal with his attitude the best way that I can, but I'm running out of patience. What do I do with the relationship?

You love your husband, but you don’t like him. You both love your kids. Is the marriage that you have and is the way in which you and your husband interact the model you both wish to imbed in your children? Your children’s attitudes about marriage, about men and women, are being formed by watching you and your husband. Exposing them to your husband’s outbursts, to his coldness, and your silence, is not in their best interests. Perhaps if you suggest to your husband that since you know he adores the children, he is not serving them well by letting his temper get out of control. Ask him what he thinks your children’s memories will be of family vacations. Ask him if he would like for your daughter to marry a man who treats her the way in which he treats you. Ask him if he would want his son to treat his wife the way he treats you. Ask him if he would like your children to have a marriage like yours. Tell him, if he does not like the picture, he must do something to change it. Your children will model after you. What you do matters and will affect them for the rest of their lives. If this catches his attention, suggest that you both seek the help of a marriage counselor and that he seek the help of a psychologist specializing in anger management. If this does not catch his attention, then it might be necessary for you to follow through on thoughts about separation. Sometimes a mule needs to be hit over the head with a two-by-four just to catch his attention!

To Believe or Not Believe: Is He Cheating?

I had suspected my husband of cheating for maybe 9-10 months with a co-worker of his. I confronted him numerous times and he has denied it, but I could feel him pulling away little by little. I got a hold of our detailed billing for our cell phones and found numerous calls to this certain co-worker and confronted him and his response was that they were just friends. But they would call each other 10-12 times a day at work. We are now separated and I am not sure if I should believe him.

Let’s see... you confronted your husband on numerous occasions with your allegations. Now you have hard evidence that your husband has been having an intimate relationship (10-12 phone calls a day sound pretty intimate even if they are not having sex!), he continues to deny it, your separated, and now you are wondering whether you should believe him. The fact is, you don’t believe him and every bone in your body says he has been cheating on you. If you need more evidence, call up the woman. You have the phone number. Find out from her. Your letter does not say how you and your husband came to separate. Is he missing something in the marriage that he is getting from her? Did you leave or did he? Is he seeing this other woman romantically now? Does he want to make the marriage work? If so, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and get to work on it. If he doesn’t want to go for help with marriage, you will have further evidence that something is amiss.

Unhappily Married

I'm a 53 year old male, currently separated for over two years from a partner with whom I lived for nearly17 years before getting married. The marriage took place despite the fact that we were having extreme stresses and difficulties at that stage of our relationship. After the marriage, I was unsettled and unhappy about the relationship, and I resented the marriage, but I went along because my wife thought it was the right thing to do for financial security reasons. I then had an affair which precipitated the separation. I think I'm still very much in love with the other woman, but I can't face divorce because of the pain I will cause, but I also know I will be resigned to the marriage. What steps should I take to resolve my conflict?

It appears that you have been unhappy for over half of your life.You married despite all of the warning signals that this relationship was not going well. Apparently neither of you decided that it was either time to quit or, at the very least, to seek professional help for yourselves and the relationship.I think it is about time that you took a good hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. You seem to be rather passive in your life, taking direction from women. You might want to think about what you want your life to be; what are your vision, your mission, and your values? Once you have a vision, you should then take steps toward achieving that vision. It is difficult to say from your brief description of your situation whether a life coach or a psychotherapist would be in the better position to help you.In either case, however, it is high time that you sought consultation for the next chapters of your life.

Relationship With A Married Man

I was stupid enough to have a relationship with a married man. We've been together for two years. He has been married for nine years. Recently, his wife who has always been emotionally abusive, found out about us and has done a complete turn around. She is suddenly willing to go to therapy, to think about his needs, etc. after nine years of the absolute opposite behavior. He says he loves me and has always maintained that he wont let her 'trap' him again (they were married because she got pregnant). Yet she's once again manipulated him (even after she kicked him out of his home, wrote me a letter about how terrible he is, and forbade him from talking to his kids) and he's decided to "give her another chance". I love him too much to let her hurt him again and I see it happening all over. What do I do?

The short answer to your question is “bail.” It is time for you to move on and create a life for yourself without him. Having an affair with a married man, especially with children, and expecting him to leave his wife because he says he loves you, is an old story. Unfortunately a great many women fall for it, thinking that they will be the one who is going to be so loved that the man will be willing to sacrifice his family for her. More often than not, these women have a great need to be able to prove that they can be loved more the man’s current wife. Some say, that this stems from an unconscious wish for their fathers to love their daughter more than they loved their wives. Regardless of the reasons why you were available to have an affair with a married man (that’s something to be discussed with your psychotherapist), the bottom line is that you should bid him a fond farewell. He is a big boy, making grown up decisions. He does not need saving. But perhaps you do.

Relationship Infidelity

I am a 25 year old woman and my man continuously cheats on me. Is there anything that I can do sexually that can maybe deter him from cheating?

When a man cheats on a woman it rarely has anything to do with his partner per se; it may have a lot to do with the nature of the relationship. The issue is more likely to be about commitment and the character of the one who is cheating. It demonstrates an unwillingness to honor a commitment and self-centered attitude. Since you say that he "continuously cheats on me" it suggests that you have permitted this type of behavior and he knows that he can get away with it. It also suggests that you suffer from low self-esteem since you have remained in a relationship with someone who has little respect for you.

Erectile Difficulties

My boyfriend and I have only been having sex for a few months now. We are both 19. Sometimes he has trouble getting an erection and once he has one he loses it very easily. Isn't he too young for this? Its really aggravating and troubling to him. I hope you can help me!

Erectile difficulties most often are a function of psychological factors, especially in young men. Some men have performance anxiety, some have fears of impregnating a woman, some suffer from guilt regarding sex; and these are only a few of the psychological issues men experience. I suggest that your friend contact a certified sex therapist to make an appointment to address the issue.

Speaking Up About Likes

I am a 41 year old woman. I want my husband to be a little more forceful when we have sex, but he's afraid he will hurt me. I've told him many times, but he just doesn't get it. Any tips on how I can get it through his head?

Perhaps if you took the lead to show your husband what it is that you want, he would get the idea. Sexual relatiohships are similar to ballroom dancing. Someone has to take the lead. Often when you tell a man what you want, he experiences it as being bossed around or he feels that he is not doing his job. Men usually want to please their women. However, they need to know exactly what is expected. You have to spell out and/or demonstrate what you mean by "more aggressive." He can then follow your lead. And don't forget to do it lovingly, rather than critically or demandingly. Make it fun.

Rapid Ejaculation

Whenever I masturbate, it seems I can do it for 20 - 30 minutes. But when I have sex with my girlfriend, I can't last more than 5 minutes. Can you give me some tips on how I can last longer when I have sex with my girlfriend?

In masturbation the focus is on ejaculation through fantasy and controlled hand-movement. In sexual intercourse the focus should be on love-making. There is a lot more going on in love-making and a lot more stimulation. All of the senses are involved. Hence, in sexual intercourse you have a lot less control than you have during masturbaton. Focus more on making love with your girl friend with less emphasis on intercourse and ejaculation. Slow down the activity and do not thrust as much. Masturbation is all about thrust-like movement. This not the case with intercourse. When you do have intercourse, relax your body and slow down your movements. Take your time paying attention to all of the sensations so that you can gain more information about when you are about to ejaculate and then pause. With practice and relaxation, you should be able to gain more control.

Parenting Interferes With Sex Life

My wife and I have been fighting all night about sex. She wants me to get her more in the mood. I work all the time so it's very hard for me to do that and have sex, but I feel as if she's never in the mood. She never tries to have sex with me except maybe once a week and it's always when I get off work. When we first got together we had sex all the time. Then our daughter was born. I didn't think it would change anything since were both very sexual, but her sex drive seemed to stop and mine seemed to sky rocket. What should we do?

Perhaps you ought to try being a little more understanding of your wife rather than thinking only of your own needs. After as woman has a baby, lots of things change. Her body changes, her hormones, her mental attitude changes. Giving birth takes a lot out of a woman; it is called "labor" for a reason. Having a regular job is a lot easier than tending to the needs of a child 24/7. She is alert all through the night for the sounds of her child. He snores through the night. Learning to be a good lover is more than just being sexual. It is about creating an empathic connection with your partner. Being a good lover is more about what goes on between the partners emotionally than it is about what goes on between your legs. If you want your wife to be more sexually responsive to you, you might want to try to be more emotionally responsive to her. As partners grow together, sexual activity becomes more like slow-dancing than doing acrobatics and trying to get off. It is more about connecting than it is about climax. You might also try to make romance a priority rather than relegating sexuality to the thing you do before going to sleep. By then, both of you are tired.

*************

My husband and I are both 25 years old and have been married for five years.We have a four year old son. It seems that we are constant in battle with one another.Now we argue about sex. He gets angry when I do want to have sex as much as he does. I am willing to have make love with him once a week. However, I used to enjoy sex, now it is a duty. In addition to raising our son, I try to do things around the house to make him happy. It seems that nothing I can do will please him. I would love to feel the way I used to about him and about love-making. What can I or we do?

You and your husband married at 20 years of age and shortly thereafter had a child. You were barely out of your teens. You have a big responsibility taking care of child, a house and a husband. You don’t say much about your relationship, but I surmise that you and your husband may not have learned how to communicate well and probably don’t have common interests other than your child. Most couples who marry young have only their parents as models for marriage, and those models are not usually very good. So you are left to find out for yourself about what it means to be married. Children take up a great deal of time. They can be exhausting.It is easily a two-person job. Some couples learn how to share the responsibilities. Others, grow apart, each pursuing their own interests. This is a recipe for disaster Sex becomes the only point of intimate connection. And when that is problematic, there is no point of connection. In your situation it sounds like neither your child nor sex is seen as a way to connect with one another. I suggest that you seek the help of a competent marriage counselor – together – to discuss how you might find ways to re-vitalize and re-invent your marriage. Marriage counseling can afford each of you the opportunity to discuss the issues that are driving you apart.You owe this to your child and to each other.

MEET DR. DREYFUS

The blog consists of answers to questions posed by visitors to my website. This blog was created to permit a more rapid response to these questions and to permit others with similar concerns to benefit from the response. For additional questions and answers that have already been posted, you are invited to visit my website by clicking here. You can ask your own questions on the blog by going to "Ask Dr. D." Complete the form there and periodically check back on the PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING blog to find your reponse.

I have been in private practice in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area of Calfiornia for over 30 years working with a variety of people dealing with problems of adolescence and adult life.

I am a Clinical Psychologist, a Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, a Certified Sex Therapist and a Life Coach. I received a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Kansas and a Master's and Bachelor's degrees from the City University of New York. Other credentials include: Fellow of the American Psychological Association; Diplomate, American Board of Sexology; Fellow, International Council of Sex Education and Parenthood of the American University, Diplomate in Professional Psychotherapy, International Academy of Behavioral Medicine, Counseling, and Psychotherapy. Fellow and Diplomate, American College of Forensic Examiners.

I am listed in the National Register of Health Services Providers in Psychology. In 1996, I received the "Distinguished Psychologist" award from the Los Angeles County Psychological Association.

I have published extensively in professional journals and has published six books. My most recent books, KEEPING YOUR SANITY (in an Insane World),offers a collection of practical essays for your psychological well-being and SOMEONE RIGHT FOR YOU: 21st CENTURY STRATEGIES FOR FINDING YOUR MATE offers a step-by-step program for finding an appropriate mate for you. I am active in community affairs, a member of national, state and local professional associations and I am frequently sought by the media for my expert opinion on many contemporary social and psychological issues. For detailed information on my background please visit my website.