My Boyfriend Prefers Porn

Q: Can you tell me why my boyfriend would rather sneak behind my back and watch porn, rather than enjoy it with me? We have been together for over a year and we are both 41 years, good looking and in good shape. I am not jealous and willing to experiment sexually. Yet he won't include me in his sexual masturbation fantasies; his deception and excluding me has really made me feel insecure. Please help me understand what the problem is?

A: I receive a large number of questions from women trying to understand men and their relationship to pornography and masturbation. It is a very common for women to think that a man’s interest in pornography reflects disinterest in the woman and perhaps that the man finds her unattractive.

In order to understand a man’s sexual behavior one has to understand how a male develops from the time he first discover his penis. When he discovers his penis as a source of pleasure, he learns to masturbate. However, masturbation is often viewed as a shameful activity. In some homes and churches, masturbation is viewed as a sin or least an activity that is frowned upon. Hence, it creates a conflict between what is bad or sinful and that which is pleasurable. Most of the time pleasure wins out, but leaves the man feeling guilty. As with most sinful or guilt-ridden acts, it becomes an activity that goes underground. It becomes an activity that must be kept hidden and private. Illicit activity, in and of itself, is exciting.  When added to sexuality, it is even more exciting.

Another aspect of male sexuality is that men are very visual in their sexual appetites. They enjoy looking at women, looking at movies of women, looking at pictures in magazines, peeking under dresses, looking down at cleavages, and peeking through keyholes. All of this activity has to be done on the sly. That is, from the time they were boys, they don’t want to be discovered doing this forbidden activity; in this case merely looking becomes forbidden. Doing that which is forbidden becomes associated with sexual excitement. Having sex in forbidden places is an offshoot of this pursuit of the sinful. It adds to the pleasure. In the beginning men hide their Penthouse, Playboy, or Hustler magazines in the closet or under the mattress. Then they hide their other pornographic material.
Putting it all together we find that both looking and masturbation are “sinful” activities that must be kept hidden and done in secret.


This is a long-winded discourse that might help you understand your mate and allay your insecurities. Your boyfriend’s masturbatory activity, in and of itself, has very little to do with you. He did it long before you came into his life. However, if boyfriend prefers his solitary activity to engaging in sexual play with you, then there may be a problem. If your sexual life with him is satisfactory, your insecurity is unwarranted and something that you might want to explore. One activity should not be at the expense of the other. Perhaps you and he ought to have a conversation that focuses on the nature of your relationship rather than on his masturbatory behavior.

Understanding Sexual Addictions: Part II

Attitudes about sex vary from culture to culture and family to family. However, most cultures treat sex differently than it treats other biological functions, especially food. Food is talked about openly. It becomes a central theme in people's lives. There is considerable conversation about different ways of preparing certain foods with books being purchased containing recipes from around the world. There are television programs about cooking and classes taught about cooking. We can engage in conversation about food and cooking whenever and wherever we are. It is a very public topic.

Sex, on the other hand, is anything but public. Despite its centrality in the lives of human beings and its necessity for propagation of the human species, sex and sexual matters are considered highly private and segregated from ordinary conversation. Schools are prohibited from teaching human sexuality. There are no television programs designed to teach people about sex and very few books and no classes teaching about sexual behaviors. We can take cooking classes and even dancing classes, but no classes instructing us on sexual techniques. Yet sex is on the minds of everyone and central to the human experience.

Here we are in the 21st century and our attitudes about sex are not that far removed from the Victorian era. It is still kept under wraps, hidden, and off limits for general conversation. Parents are uncomfortable talking with their children about sexual matters. Children will go anywhere but to their parents to learn about sex. They began their sexual discovery by learning quite early in life to keep their sexual thoughts hidden. Trial and error (and unfortunately mostly error) dominates their learning experience. All the secrecy about sex serves to make it all the more exciting.

Children sneak a look at their nude siblings or parents. They sneak a peek at various magazines. The discover pornography on the Internet. The forbidden fruit is so much more exciting and tastes ever so sweet because of it forbidden nature. When a child steals a dollar from his parents wallet or purse, the caught child will tell you that it wasn't the dollar that was important, but rather it was getting away with it that gave the thrill. The child was not thinking about the morality of his or her action. She or he was simply caught up in the excitement of getting away with something.

Sex, when combined with being clandestine or illicit, becomes far more exciting than when out in the open. There is a rush in pursuing that which is forbidden. Similar to the child who does not think of the consequences of stealing the dollar from his parents or pilfering a cigarette or a bar of candy in a supermarket, pursuing illicit sex give the pursuer a bio-physiological and psychological rush. And when experiencing the rush, there are no thoughts about the consequences. The rush floods the brain with cortisol and the person feels excited with a narrowness of focus until she or he achieves her/his end.

Once the excitation dissipates, life returns to normal. The experience is not forgotten. The next time the individual experiences stress or even boredom, the memory of the illicit experience begins to surface. The individual wants to repeat the previous experience. She/he wants that rush. And the process begins again. And because it is illicit, and the illicitness makes it more exciting, the individual shares the experience with no one. After a while, the behavior becomes habitual. And then it becomes compulsive. And then chronic. Once it reaches the level of chronicity and begins to interfere in an individual's life, where he or she begins looking forward to the next adventure instead of taking care of his or her life, it becomes addictive. The desire become insatiable.

In our society pornography is but a click away. It is available 24/7 from any computer. There is no inconvenience of going to a dark alley or back room of a book or video store. In addition, clandestine encounters can be found quickly and easily online. Hence, with increased accessibility to random sexual activity, more people are becoming addicted to their own internal rush of being able to pursue the forbidden fruit.

What sex addiction is NOT

Many people want to take cover beneath the word "addiction" as a means for avoiding taking responsibility for their behavior and their choices. We use the term "addiction" to account for a myriad unacceptable behaviors, including behaviors that may be sexual in nature. Not all habitual behaviors can be classified as addiction. Not all frequent masturbation or viewing of porn sites or the desire for sexual unions constitute a sexual addiction. In order for any behavior to be classified as an "addiction" it must meet the criteria for any addiction. One of the most important criterion is that the behavior becomes so compulsive that it interferes with some important aspect of one's life, e.g., health, relationship, or work. The person ruminates about sex and feels such intense anxiety when not able to gain a release that he or she will endanger themselves in the pursuit of sexual release. There is no fear of being caught nor concern about the consequences of one's actions. By this standard, merely wanting sex often, masturbating several times each day, or watching pornography does not constitute an addiction.

Sex and Intimacy

Because of the hidden nature of sexuality in our culture, people often consider sex as an activity that should be separated from intimacy.  Many people refer to their sexual behavior in pejorative terms, e.g., doing the nasty, etc.  A man can think of doing things with "those kind of women" but not with someone he loves.  Many men would not think of doing with their wives or girlfriends the things they fantasize about or see when watching pornography or doing with prostitutes or even on one-night stands.  In his mind he is being respectful of his beloved.  He therefore loves his wife and has sex with those other women whether in reality (prostitutes) or in fantasy (pornography).

Most men who become sexual addicts have difficulty being truly vulnerable in an intimate relationship.  They may often be quite sociable, even outgoing, but they rarely reveal their inner feelings to anyone.  They even mask them from themselves.  They can be far more vulnerable with strangers.  Hence, we often find that these men share intimacies about themselves, secrets, and vulnerabilities to the prostitutes that they visit; they perceive this as being safe.  The stranger cannot hurt them since there is no emotional investment in the relationship.

So if we put all of these factors together: biological issues, intimacy/relationship issues, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma, and social issues, we can see that sexual addiction is a complex rather than a single cause.  Therefore, a multi-faceted approach is necessary for treatment.

Treatment of Sexual Addiction

The good news about the prevalence of sexual addiction is that as it receives more media attention, more people are seeking help. Just as in the past where drug addicts were too ashamed to seek help because of the back-alley connotation of the problem and because they were thought of as simply weak-willed, so it has been the case for sexual addictions. As mentioned previously, drug and alcohol dependence are accepted as addictions today because of increased understanding of how the brain can become addicted to the substance. Now professionals are realizing that in a similar way individuals can become addicted to the rush of seeking sexual encounters whether through pornography or prostitutes or both. And similar to other addictions, the addict may need bigger and bigger jolts in the form of more exciting behaviors or dangerous relationships in order to reach the same high or rush as when simply using pornography and masturbation was enough.

Treatment for sexual addictions is multi-faceted. The problem has bio-physiological, psychological, sociological, and behavioral components; therefore, all four need to be addressed. Typical treatment may include:

• Psychotropic medication to help with the anxiety associated with giving up what has been the self-medicating behaviors.
• Psychotherapy to help the individual cope with the anxiety, depression, compulsive behaviors which are often part of an addicts experience. Psychological treatment in the form of individual psychotherapy is necessary in order to help the individual come to terms with the underlying trauma and/or personality disorder, as well as learning more effective ways of coping with stress, issues of trust, intimacy, and connectedness with people. Psychotherapy works with both the underlying individual conflicts and struggles experienced by the addict for which he or she is self-medicating, and it helps the addict learn more effective coping skills as well as self-soothing behaviors. Psychotherapy deals with both the psychological and behavioral aspects of addiction.
• 12-Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Annonymous can be quite helpful insofar as addicts find that there is a safe environment within which to share experiences with others who are going through similar difficulties. They can feel less alone and begin to learn to trust others and seek nurturance and support from others who have experienced similar difficulties.

For a free 30 minute telephone consultation, please contact Dr. Dreyfus (310) 208-5700.  Or if you have additional questions, email drdreyfus@docdreyfus.com

Understanding Sexual Addiction: Part I

Understanding addictions is neither simple nor easy. Understanding sexual addiction is even more complex. Alcohol and drugs are the two most commonly known addictions. It is easier for most people to accept the addiction model for these two substances than it is to accept an addiction model for either sex or food. We know that both alcohol and drugs have chemically addictive properties. Chronic use of either of these will create a dependency on them which, in turn, can develop into an addiction, i.e., where the body craves the substance upon which one becomes dependent.

Food and sex addictions are difficult for most people to understand since the drive for either is biologically part of being a human being. So people naturally ask the question, "how can a biological drive become an addiction?" It is even more difficult when it comes to the issue of sex. Though it is not possible to live without food it is possible to do without sex, e.g., people who chose to be celibate. Therefore, people think that since sex is a choice, people choose to become overly involved with sex; hence it cannot become an addiction. It is simply a matter of choice.

Once one understands the biological aspects of the addictive process, however, it will become clear that both compulsive sex and compulsive eating can become as addictive as for drugs and alcohol. It will also become clear that for sexual addictions the process is even more complex than for food addictions. In this essay I intend to explore various aspects of addiction, offer an understanding of compulsive behavior and how it relates to addiction, and finally, I hope to offer a clearer understanding of the various aspects of sexual addiction in particular.

Defining addiction

Addiction is a chronic relapsing condition characterized by compulsive behavior in pursuit of a gratifying substance with its abuse causing long-lasting chemical changes in the brain. Addiction is the same irrespective of whether the drug is alcohol, amphetamines, cocaine, heroin, marijuana, or nicotine. Every addictive substance induces pleasant states or relieves distress. Continued use of the addictive substance induces adaptive changes in the brain that lead to tolerance, physical dependence, uncontrollable craving and, all too often, relapse. Dependence is at such a point that stopping is very difficult and causes severe physical and mental reactions from withdrawal. The risk of addiction is in part inherited. Genetic factors, for example, account for about 40% of the risk of alcoholism. The genetic factors predisposing to addiction are not yet fully understood. Addictive behavior has profound effects on an individual’s life interfering with health, relationships, and work. Addicts rarely think about the consequences of their behavior and will often risk everything to satisfy their cravings. When dealing with food or sex, the individual becomes addicted to the pursuit of the substance and becomes addicted to the rush received when in pursuit. The compulsive behavior, as with alcohol and drugs, causes chemical changes in the brain.

The addictive brain

According to recent research studying the human brain through brain scan studies, there appears to be a strong relationship between brain activity and pursuit of the substance of choice. Individuals who are in pursuit of drugs, alcohol, sex and food exhibit electrical activities in the same areas of the brain. Blood studies indicate that when these people are in pursuit of their substance of choice (e.g., alcohol, drugs, sex and food) all show increased cortisol levels. Cortisol is the "stress hormone" that is released by the brain through the adrenal glands, that helps to reduce stress. It appears that people who become addicts produce lower levels of cortisol than nonaddicts. However, those levels are increased when they are in pursuit. When someone is pursuing illicit sex, cortisol levels increase. Thus the individual feels a sense of release and calm. This period is often referred to by addicts as "being in the bubble." Once in it, cognitive functioning is often impaired as they pursue their substance. It is only afterward, once they have satisfied their need, that they realize what they have done. This good feeling and sense of euphoria become highly gratifying to the point of addiction.

The food and sex addict primarily are looking for this sense of well-being achieved by the increase in cortisol while they are in pursuit of their goal. Most will describe the period before achieving the goal as more satisfying than the goal itself. The goal is the final release, followed by immediate calm. Often this is followed by shame and/or guilt. But within a relatively brief period as the stress increases the desire to repeat the process begins once again.

Drug and alcohol addicts have two chemicals with which to deal. One is the aforementioned increase in cortisol which helps to reduce stress and the second is the addictive substance itself. Both alcohol and drugs have addictive properties creating a bio-physiological dependence. The body literally craves the drug or alcohol. Sex and food addicts only seek the first type of craving with the pleasure derived from the substance playing a secondary role.

Triggers

Triggers are events that stimulate an individual to respond in a particular way. Triggers can be visual, auditory, or a thought that becomes persistent; or it can be a familiar situation associated with a previous experience. A sex addict, for example, might be in a stressful environment when he notices an attractive woman with a short skirt or open necked blouse. He feels a twinge of excitement that distracts him from the stress he is experiencing. This can lead to thoughts of going online to view some pornography or to visit a massage parlor or simply to go to the bathroom to masturbate. Once the trigger takes hold, it becomes difficult to resist. It becomes intrusive and persistent leading the individual to take action in order to relieve the internal pressure and remove the thought.

Self-medication

For the most part, all addictions begin with some form of experimentation. No one decides to become an addict. Once one discovers the pleasures from a particular behavior, there is the human tendency to want to experience it again. People who develop addictions experience their lives as highly stressful. It does not matter whether the stress is related to a traumatic event or events, painful relationships, environmental stress as in wartime, poverty, highly stressful occupations, etc. The stress creates significant internal psychological pain from which the individual seeks respite. These individuals rarely seek other people for comfort; many distrust others. In fact, most of these individuals do not view others as a form of nurturance; they pride themselves as being able to deal with their lives alone. Men, in particular, take pride in being self-reliant. Drugs, alcohol, food, and sex are often viewed as more reliable sources of comfort and relief than people; they can count on their substance to always be there for them. Furthermore, asking for help, love, nurturance or support are all viewed as a sign of weakness. Hence, when they discover their substance of choice, they are able to find solace; it becomes a source of self-medication to help reduce the stress and afford them relief.

(Please continue reading Understanding Sexual Addiction: Part II on this blog.)

Forgiveness is a Choice

We most often associate the topic of forgiveness with religion. It is a concept that clergy talk about, not psy-chologists. Our religious training tells us that we should forgive; after all, “to err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness has profound implications for mental health. We confront the issue when we have been betrayed, either by a friend, a business associate or, most profoundly, by a spouse who has cheated on us. We also have to deal with issues of forgiveness when we have experienced emotional or physical abuse, current or past traumatic events, and humiliation. Intuitively we know that if we could forgive we would feel less bitter, less resentful, and less burdened; we know that it would be good for us to forgive. It is easier said than done.

In this article I will discuss the meaning of the term forgiveness, its psychological implications in terms of personal growth, and an approach toward learning to forgive. Perhaps through a deeper understanding of what it means to forgive, why it is important for human development, and how we can learn to forgive, it will be-come easier for us to do so.

What is forgiveness?

When most of us think of forgiveness, we think in terms of making amends with someone who has offended us or whom we have offended. One party or the other holds the power to release the other from the guilt asso-ciated with the occurrence. We also think of apology. We ask to be forgiven for some transgression and seek to be absolved. We want to feel re-connected. Being asked for forgiveness puts us in the position of strength; seeking forgiveness leaves us feeling weak or humble.

When we forgive, we are saying to the person who has offended us that we will hold no grudge and, that while we do not condone the behavior of the offender, we will not hold it against him or her and may be willing to move on with the relationship. When we receive forgiveness, we feel uplifted and sometimes even grateful toward the one who grants us forgiveness. Forgiveness renews our spirit and helps us move forward.

By contrast, when we do not forgive, we feel resentful, angry, and even bitter. We are hurt and seek revenge or retribution. We want the person who has offended us to suffer as we are suffering; we want them to feel pain for their transgression. We may feel a sense of righteousness, after all, we were wronged. This righteousness, however, may be short lived. The resentment we feel may build, leaving us feeling emotionally constricted and even debilitated. The thought that the offending party may not be experiencing guilt is even more offensive to us and causes us even greater resentment.

For the most part, we have associated forgiveness with receiving an apology from another person. We believe that without contrition on the part of the offender, there can be no forgiveness. Take a look at the reactions of the survivors of the Oklahoma bombing. Timothy McVeigh showed no remorse for his action. Without such remorse the survivors find it difficult to forgive. McVeigh holds the power to keep these people suffering as they harbor their resentment, anger, and bitterness. They want retribution; they want him dead. Only then will they feel a sense of relief and closure.

What if we could make forgiveness a one way street? What if we could forgive without depending upon the offender to express guilt? What if we did not need to be asked for forgiveness, but could grant it nonetheless? What if we could say to an offender, “whether you wish it or not, I forgive you.” What would such unilateral forgiveness do for us?

Let’s examine the case of a spouse who has betrayed his wife by having an affair with another woman. When this happens, the aggrieved party experiences a myriad of emotions. She feels deeply wounded by her hus-band’s actions. He violated a basic trust. Their marriage contract stated that he would forsake all others. He violated the contract as well as the trust. She feels diminished. Her husband chose to be intimate with an-other woman; he preferred to be with her rather than with his wife. The wife feels less than the chosen woman. Her pride is wounded and her self-esteem is damaged. His actions reflect poorly on her as a woman. She was not able to keep him from seeking the attention of someone else. She experiences herself as the victim of a heinous act perpetrated against her. She wants to hurt him as he hurt her. She wants revenge. She wants him to suffer as she has suffered. How can she ever forgive him?

Yet, we see that some spouses are able to do just that. They are able to get beyond their personal hurt and see the larger issues that may underlie the transgression of their spouse. Some are able to go so far as to continue the relationship and use the experience to re-build the relationship. In some instances the marriage becomes stronger as the couple faces the various factors that led to the affair.

On the other hand, some spouses can forgive the transgression but are not willing to maintain the relationship. In effect they say, I can forgive you but I am not willing to stay with you. The risk of your doing it again is too great and I am not willing to chance it. Or they say that that while I can forgive you, our relationship will never be the same, so I choose to continue without you.

Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the behavior of the transgressor. It does not mean that what you did to me is all right. Nor does it mean that we will forget what happened. Forgiveness requires that we let go the anger and hurt that we are carrying. If we want to move forward with our life after being betrayed or hurt by someone else, we have to be willing to let go of the resentment, bitterness, hurt, and anger. Forgiveness becomes a choice.

Forgiveness is a choice

Most of us do not think of forgiveness as a choice. When we feel harmed, wounded, betrayed, or damaged we want relief and often we want revenge. Just as revenge is a choice, so is forgiveness. Our initial emotional response does not have to determine our behavior. We have a choice in how we will respond to any circumstance or situation. We can choose to act angrily, we can choose to act sullen; we can choose to withdraw or we can choose to move forward. We can choose to experience ourselves as a victim of an act of betrayal. Or we can choose to see ourselves as a survivor of a betrayal. We can choose to act with vengeance or to act with forgiveness. The call is ours and ours alone.

The problem arises, however, that in our culture to forgive without having received an apology leaves us feel-ing foolish; we end up thinking that the perpetrator is getting away with something. This thought is intolerable. Forgiveness is deemed to be more closely allied to weakness than to strength. Hence, we excuse ourselves for not being more forgiving rather than aspiring to a higher standard. We accept holding the grudge, holding the anger, holding the resentment, as if it were more noble than forgiving.

What does holding on to resentment, hurt and anger toward someone who has transgressed against us do to us? Where does it leave us? What happens over time? Harboring anger, resentment and hurt often leads to depression, insomnia, emotional constriction, distrust, physical complaints (e.g., ulcers, insomnia, headaches, muscle pain, lethargy, etc.), brooding, dysphoria, to mention a few of the consequences. Holding onto resent-ments and anger takes psychological energy away from more creative pursuits. Over time, it can emotionally deplete us. Yet we often continue to suffer because we believe that if we forgive the offender, he or she is get-ting away with something and is not being punished. We believe that every crime deserves a punishment. More often, however, we pay a greater price for holding onto the resentment than the person who committed the offense will ever pay. We continue to suffer while the other person goes on with his or her life. We lock ourselves in the time period that the betrayal occurred, e.g., the spouse who continues to relive the day he learned that his wife was had an affair.

When we are harmed by someone, we feel vulnerable. We recognize that we are exposed to the vagaries of life and the whims of circumstances. We are confronted with our finitetude and often our mortality. Thus feeling so vulnerable, we seek to re-establish a sense of power and control. With retribution, vengeance, or some form of reprisal, we can establish ourselves as powerful, if only for a moment. We can temporarily suspend the truth of our own vulnerability. In order to truly forgive we must come to terms with our own vulnerability and our mortality. We must come to terms with the existential truth that we live in a contingent world, where things happen, often for no apparent reason. And we often are hurt by these events. Nothing we can do can change the events; nothing we can do can leave us less vulnerable. When we sentence to death the Timothy McVeighs of the world, we have the illusion that somehow we have made ourselves less vulnerable, at least to him. However, our vulnerability continues to exist. Another bomber, another sniper, another terrorist, and another betrayer lurks just around the corner. When we kill McVeigh we believe that we have increased our safety. Such an experience of safety, however, is both temporary and illusionary.

By letting go of the anger, hurt and resentment, we free ourselves to move beyond our pain. We learn that we can survive a betrayal; we learn that we can heal. However, there can be no healing if we do not forgive. We only make the wounds deeper and create emotional scarring. In short, there is no payoff for not forgiving.

Some people hold on to their anger and resentment lest they forget the event, especially if it were perpetrated against a loved one. Let’s take the example of someone whose spouse was murdered. The surviving spouse may be loath to forgive the killer for fear that they would forget the deceased spouse or even be disloyal to the memory of the deceased. They hold on to the hatred as a self-inflicted punishment for surviving.

Forgiving does not mean one forgets. It does not mean condoning an action. It only means letting go of the past and deciding that one wants to transcend the tragedy and celebrate living by moving ahead rather than remaining in the past. If I forgive someone who has betrayed me, murdered my spouse, raped my daughter, it is because I have made the decision to honor a higher sense of self that refuses to remain stuck in a circumstance over which I have no control. The event happened. I cannot change that. I cannot undo it. I can only decide how I choose to behave and whether to move forward with my life. My future actions will determine how I honor the memory of those harmed, not how long I can hold to the anger, resentment and bitterness of the past.

How do we forgive?

Forgiveness is both a value and a process. We aspire to be a forgiving person. To honor this value we must learn to forgive. Is it something we can train ourselves to do? It is easy to forgive someone if they step on our toe or even dent our car. It is relatively easy to forgive an accident. How does one forgive an act of malfea-sance? A violation of a contract? A betrayal in a relationship? How does one forgive an act of intentional harm? How does one forgive a rapist, a murderer, a serial killer, an Oklahoma bomber, an Adolph Hitler?

If we find a method for learning how to forgive, it must be applicable for a variety of circumstances along the dimension of inflicted harm, whether by accident or by design. I do not purport to have discovered an absolute, iron clad system for learning how to forgive. I do believe, however, that we can train ourselves to forgive and to become a forgiving person. I believe that forgiveness can be taught and practiced. I further believe that forgiveness ought to be a central value in our lives, along with such values as honesty, integrity, loyalty, kindness, generosity, civility, to mention but a few. And just as we must practice these other values and honor them in our daily lives, we should practice forgiveness.

We would begin by practicing forgiving folks who may have transgressed against us in minor ways and work up to forgiving more difficult acts of hurt and betrayal. Forgiveness is a process of letting go of resentments and emotional hurts inflicted by others. It is about making a decision not to dwell on the past, incorporating forgiveness as a part of our value system, and honoring that value by acting in ways that moves us toward that higher self to which we aspire. The following are some steps that may assist in this process:

• Make a conscious decision that harboring resentments over past hurt only does you harm. You must be able to understand that there is no value to maintaining a resentful, angry position. In other words, it does not serve you.
• Frame forgiveness as a strength, rather than a weakness. Once you understand that forgiveness facili-tates growth and represents a commitment to embrace life, it will be easier for you to let go of resent-ment and anger.
• Develop a vision or image of yourself as a forgiving person rather than an angry, resentful person. You cannot be both forgiving and resentful at the same time. These two attributes are mutually exclusive. To the extent that you hold onto resentment, you become less forgiving, and vice versa. Commit to the ideal of forgiveness. Imagine yourself being the person you want to be. Picture various scenarios and imagine how this forgiving person would deal with them.
• For dealing with a specific hurt inflicted by someone, Dr. Everett Worthington, Jr. suggests “recall the hurt as objectively as possible. Don't rail against the person who hurt you, waste time wishing for an apology that will never be offered, or dwell on your victimization. Instead, admit that a wrong was done to you and set your sights on its repair.”
• Dr. Worthington suggests that you “commit to forgive. When you forgive, you can eventually doubt that you have forgiven. When people remember a previous injury or offense, they often interpret it as evidence that they must not have forgiven. If you make your forgiveness tangible, you are less likely to doubt it later. Tell a friend, partner, or counselor that you have forgiven the person who hurt you. Write a "certificate of forgiveness," stating that you have, as of today, forgiven.” Remember, forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It means letting go of the pain, anger, and resentment associated with the event or memory.

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This essay is abstracted from Dr. Dreyfus's book, Keeping Your Sanity (In an Insane World), 2004, Xlibris.  http://www.keepingyoursanity.com/

Making Your Marriage Work

In previous generations it was not surprising to hear that a couple was celebrating their twenty-fifth, thirtieth, or even fiftieth wedding anniversary. Will any of the current generation celebrate these milestones? What can people do to increase the probability of a long and satisfying marital relationship?

People are questioning what they wanted out of marriage. Families are relying more upon hired domestic help in the form of housekeepers, caregivers and day care to fulfill many of the customary roles. Marriage is taking on a different meaning today that fifty years ago and serves a different purpose than was traditionally the case. If we add to this mix the awareness that we simply live longer than in previous generations, it becomes obvious that “until death do us part” means a lot longer than at any time in history. When folks are living well into their 80s and marry in their 20s, the span of time could be over 60 years. It becomes possible for us to consider multiple long-term relationships. People can consider one type of relationship for their childbearing years, and another type of relationship for the years afterwards. We can even consider having more than one family, i.e., raising children with more than one partner.

Despite all of these changes, most people enter marriage carrying with them many of the same beliefs appropriate for the previous traditional marriage. Their consciousness has not caught up with the reality of the times. Hence, when they marry they often find that their traditional beliefs are ineffective, leaving them with few guidelines on how to be in a marriage. Today’s marriages, more than any time in history, depend upon more upon communication, intimacy, relating, compromise, negotiation and understanding. We must be able to negotiate in the living room and make love in the bedroom, and be skilled at both.

Since both sexes are equally able to perform nearly all of the tasks required in a marriage, neither has to depend on the other for these abilities. Even the issue of having children no longer is necessary for marriage. People can choose to have children or not and can have children without having a partner. Even adoption is possible for single individuals. Therefore, the very basis for marriage changes from fulfilling certain functions to fulfilling emotional and psychological needs.

In order to learn more about how people maintain long-term marriages, and what some of the impediments to them might be, psychologists went out into the field to learn more.

Psychologist, Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, co-author of The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, carried out in-depth interviews with 50 couples who have been married at least nine years, had children together, and independently and who independently regarded their marriage as happy. Dr. Wallerstein identified several “psychological tasks” as the pillars on which any marital relationship rests.

1) Separate emotionally from one’s childhood so as to invest fully in the marriage and redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.

2) Build togetherness based on mutual identification, shared intimacy and an expanded conscience that includes both partners, while at the same time setting boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.

3) Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and to protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations; it is the second part of this task which must not be overlooked or taken for granted.

4) (for couples with children) Embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and to absorb the impact of Her Majesty the Baby’s dramatic entrance into the marriage. At the same time the couple must continue the work of protecting their own privacy.

5) Confront and master the inevitable crises of life and maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity and create a safe haven within the marriage for the expression of difference, anger and conflict.

6) Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation.

7) Provide nurturance and comfort to each other, satisfying each partner’s need for dependency and offer continuing encouragement and support.

8) Keep alive the romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.

Dr. Wallerstein’s tasks are not easy. To accomplish them requires that each spouse be committed to enhancing their marriage and making it work. In addition, they require that each spouse be equally committed to their own personal growth as well as the growth of their partner. The preservation and enhancement of the marriage partnership must be a top priority,

Psychologist Dr. Howard Markman at the University of Denver believes that “Love and commitment to the relationship are necessary for a good marriage, but they are not enough. What are needed, on top of that, are skills in effective communication and how to handle conflict.” Dr. Markman, along with Dr. Clifford Notarius of Catholic University of America, studied 135 about-to-be-married couples. “How you handle conflict is the single most important predictor of whether your marriage will survive,” according to Dr. Markman. These researchers found that certain behavior patterns usually signaled an impending collapse in the marriage:

• When either partner -- although it is most often the male -- withdraws from conflict.

• The tendency to escalate conflict in the face of disagreement and the inability to stop fights before they get ugly.

• The tendency to invalidate the relationship by hurling insults at each other. Dr. Markman says, “one ‘zinger’ counteracts 20 positive acts of kindness.”

You should note that neither Wallerstein nor Markman say that we should avoid conflict. Conflict in marriage is inevitable. How we deal with conflict is the important issue.

In addition to the suggestions already made, the following additional ideas have been culled from the literature on what makes for a successful marriage as well my clinical experience with hundreds of couples.

Be Realistic. Couples often go into marriage with idealistic notions of what marriage is all about. These ideas are handed down from generation to generation or gleaned from popular magazines, TV shows, or simply conjured from their own fantasies of what they would like. Each individual should make clear what their explicit and implicit expectations are and clarify these expectations such that they are clearly understood by one another. Where there are discrepancies, a mutually satisfying compromise must be reached.

Do Not Take One another For Granted. This can be a killer for a relationship. It usually occurs sometime after the honeymoon period. When our partner feels taken for granted, not respected or acknowledged, and feels that others are a higher priority than him/herself, resentment brews. A regular “state of the union” check-in with your spouse as to how s/he is feeling about the relationship can help avert resentment build-up.

Communication Skills. Being able to communicate is one of the greatest assets in any relationship. Being able to articulate our thoughts and being certain that the listener understands what you wish to say take considerable practice. Often we believe we are saying one thing, while the listener is hearing something entirely different. The listener often is responding to either what they believed you to say or their own interpretation. Communication requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be at best difficult. The next time you want to discuss something important with your spouse, follow the following steps:

• Arrange for a convenient meeting time rather than trying to have a discussion on the fly when it is likely to be interrupted.

• Find a “talking stick” (any small object will do). So long as one person is hold the stick, that person also holds the floor. Once the stick is passed, it becomes the other person’s time to talk. This technique prevents interruptions.

• Express your point, and then, passing the stick, ask your spouse to repeat what you said so that you can be certain that you were at least heard. If your partner is not able to repeat what you said or you do not feel understood, repeat your point until you are satisfied.

• The listener’s job during this exercise is to be certain you understand and communicate that understanding to your spouse before you comment on the content of what you are being told.

• Once your partner feels heard, then it becomes your turn to comment and be heard.

• Continue this process until resolution, passing the “talking stick” and alternately being in the role of transmitter and receiver.

This approach, often referred to as “active listening,” once learned can prevent misunderstandings and serve to keep emotions under control. It is difficult to react emotionally if you are truly listening and have to communicate understanding before you get a chance to react.

Regular Meetings. There are two types of meetings that can facilitate communication: a business meeting and a date night. Scheduling regular business meetings to discuss the business aspects of the marriage is helpful and indicates that the marriage is a high priority in their life. Date night is one evening each week set aside for the purpose of emotional connecting. Each partner takes responsibility on alternative weeks for planning the date, just as they might have done during courtship. Dates do not have to be elaborate events. A picnic on the bedroom floor can be every bit as romantic as a $100 dinner.

Keep the Romance Alive. Maintaining the romance in a relationship is vital to the vibrancy of the relationship. Once folks marry they often become quite lax in this department. They allow business, chores, and children to get the way of their romantic life. In a busy life, especially if there are children, it takes considerable effort to maintain romance. But it is worth it. It takes planning, creativity and commitment.

Develop Sexual Skills. People believe that having sex is just “doing what comes naturally.” Believing this is like thinking that world-class ballroom dancers are simply born -- no rehearsals, no practice, no innovation, no experimentation, and no mistakes. Good lovers are made, not born. Many times men and women believe that somehow the man is supposed to “know” what to do and be good at it. Fearing failure, they do only what is tried and true. Sex becomes boring. Such predictability can lead to staleness and apathy. Communication about sexuality, and the willingness to experiment will keep the bedroom activities exciting, interesting and fun.

Be Complimentary. It costs nothing to compliment your partner and it sure feels good to receive them. We are often chary about paying compliments to our mates, letting them know that we think they are pretty/handsome, smart, clever, well-dressed, kind, a good parent, etc. We do not have to wait until some occasion when we purchase a greeting card to let our mates know that we think they are special.

Show Appreciation. Another small thing that feels good. Thanking your partner for making dinner or taking out the trash, picking up clothes from the dry-cleaners, and in general letting him/her know that s/he is appreciated can go along way in creating a caring environment. Couples are very quick to criticize one another when chores do not get done, but they are very remiss when it comes to showing appreciation.

Maintaining a contemporary marriage is no easy task. It requires hard work. To think that a successful marriage -- that is, a relationship between two people that is fulfilling, enhancing of self-esteem, emotionally gratifying, nurturing, and supportive -- can be achieved by merely living under the same roof without investing effort and time, would be naive. Some individuals believe that marriage should be easy, and if it is not, they think something is wrong.

Marriage, like any other worthwhile endeavor, requires patience and practice. When there is difficulty, it may require outside help. Just as a business may require a consultant, so too might a marriage. Marriages are complex and dynamic entities and maintaining a marriage is one of our most significant challenges.

How Does Coaching Differ From Psychotherapy?

More and more people are hearing the terms personal coach or life coach. There have been newspaper articles and professional articles written on the subject. Several people have asked me, “what is a life or personal coach and how is personal coaching different from psychotherapy?” Until recently, personal coaching has been confined to corporations where it is known as executive coaching or executive consulting. Today personal coaching has found its way into the public domain. This issue of the Psychotherapy Update will discuss personal or life coaching as a new trend that will become more available over the next decade to assist people in achieving a more fulfilling, rewarding and balanced life. Perhaps personal coaching is just what you’ve been waiting for to help you enrich your already satisfying life.

Coaching has been around for a long time. It is usually associated with sports, e.g., tennis coach, golf coach, track coach, football coach or baseball coach, to name a few. You want to get better at something, whom do you call? A coach. You want to become more physically fit, you call a personal trainer. Just as there are athletic coaches, voice coaches, and acting coaches, there are personal coaches. Personal coaches, sometime referred to as life coaches, are usually professionally trained mental health practitioners, who, in most instances, have been successful in their professional and personal life. In addition to their professional training, they have developed special skills in helping individuals develop their potential and fulfill their goals. Within the past years the practice of personal coaching has mushroomed. In 1994 it was estimated that there were approximately 1000 personal or life coaches nationwide. Today it is estimated that there are close to 5000. As people seek to achieve greater fulfillment from their work, their marriages, and their life in general, the need for personal coaches will continue to increase. Previously many people sought psychotherapy for personal growth not just for treatment of emotional problems or mental illness. Others wanted some other form of assistance without the association to mental illness carried by psychotherapy. Now people can turn to personal coaches whose focus is on growth and development of all areas of one’s life rather than on internal stress and emotional conflict.

Coaching and Mentoring

Mentoring has been around for as long as there have been relationships. Mentor was the name of the royal advisor to Odysseus in Homer’s Odyssey. A mentor is a trusted person to whom we turn for counsel, advice, and support who may act as a guide or consultant suggesting a path or course of action.

Many of us may have been fortunate to have in our lives an important person to whom we would turn for advice and counsel. This person may have been a revered uncle, a respected teacher, a member of the clergy, or our Scoutmaster. We often refer to these individuals as mentors. We look to them for assistance in helping us fulfill a part of ourselves. We want to develop a better self, whether that self is in relation to our school, work, business, or profession; or we want to develop more effective skills in organizing our life. These mentors may assist us in fulfilling our dreams and aspirations, and may become role models as well.

Coaching and mentoring have a great deal in common. A personal coach is similar to a professional mentor. The coach’s role is more clearly defined. The coach has no other relationship to the client than that of a coach. Therefore, there is no hidden agenda or conflict of interest. Often we seek a coach to help us achieve balance in our lives. Personal coaches believe that when all aspects of one’s life are in harmony, a synergy is formed that can propel and individual forward to achieve greatness.

When we turn to a personal coach, we want to become better at whatever it is that we are focused on. We want to actualize our potential. We know that we have the potential, we know that our business can grow or that our life can be better balanced, but we have difficulty in developing a plan of action that will help us reach our vision of the way things could be. Something is blocking us or we are too close to the project. We need a second pair of eyes. We need a boost. Professional coaches start with where you are. They work with you, as a collaborator, to help you realize your goals. Frequently they help you define and clarify your goals. Once your goals have been articulated, they then work with you to develop a plan of action for achieving those goals.

Coaching and Consulting

Consulting is a much more recent development. Industrial consulting developed after WWII followed by executive consulting and continued to evolve with the development of the human potentials movement in the 1970’s. Business schools and schools of management incorporated executive consulting into their programs. Executive consultants assisted top level managers in developing training programs, human resources, management skills, and organizational development.

Coaching is related to consulting; some consider coaching a subset of consulting. However, the consultant normally provides the consultation service for the period of the contract; once the consultant has completed the project, the relationship terminates. In personal coaching, the coach not only helps the client develop a plan of action to achieve a desired set of goals, the coach also stays with the client to help implement the changes and goals. With a consultant you pay for an expert’s advice and opinion. A coach will help you explore options. A personal coach will assist you in discovering alternatives that fit your agenda, rather than tell what to do. A coach will empower you to find the answers to your questions and develop a strategy for your life that is consistent with your values and beliefs. Generally speaking, coaching goes beyond consulting to incorporate all areas of your life rather than the narrower focus commonly found in consulting.

Coaching and Psychotherapy

What is the difference between coaching and psychotherapy? Coaching is not therapy. Personal coaches don’t work on “issues” or delve into the past. Nor do they deal much with understanding human behavior. Coaches do not focus on resolving past traumas that affect personality development nor do they try to change personality structures. Coaches do not attempt to ameliorate psychic pain, anxiety, depression, or sexual dysfunction. These are issues that are dealt with in psychotherapy.

A personal coach focuses on:

• Helping people set better goals.

• Asking their clients to do more than they would on their own.

• Helping their clients to focus better so as to product results more quickly.

• Providing clients with the tools, support, and structure to accomplish more.

Whereas psychotherapy focuses on the past and the present, coaching focuses on the present and future. The personal coach maintains a focus on the goals that the client decides s/he would like to achieve. The collaborative effort propels the individual to continually move toward the goal. In psychotherapy the assumption is that there is something wrong that gets in the way of a person’s functioning that needs fixing. In coaching the assumption that there is nothing wrong with the client, but the client wants an even better life. In psychotherapy the main focus is on the client’s internal world. In coaching the focus is on the client’s entire life including health, relationships, career, spirituality, etc., and how it all fits together.

Personal coaches help people develop a balanced life. They do this through strengthening their client’s personal foundation. Part of one’s personal foundation is recognizing and clarifying one’s core values. Most of us seldom take the time to delineate and clarify our values, those beliefs that are at the center of our belief. Often we act in ways that our contrary to our internalized values and we end up feeling uncomfortable, guilty, or even ashamed. Frequently, we are not aware of the causes for our disquietude. On exploration we may find that we acting in ways that are contrary to our own value system. A coach can help you explore your values and assist in developing a set of goals and actions that comport with this value system such that you feel in synch with yourself.

Coaches have no agenda but that of their clients. It is one of the few relationships where the client’s agenda is the only agenda that matters. Personal coaches want to assist you in actualizing your agenda on your terms. The objective of the coach to open new possibilities. The attention in coaching is solely on you and your agenda.

How Does Coaching Work?

Similar to psychotherapy, coaching works best when there are regular appointments. In order to maintain focus and honor commitments, continuity is necessary. However, coaching is not limited to face-to-face meetings. In fact, most personal coaching takes place over the telephone. Coaching is not limited to geographical location. One can be coached from any location. Coaching sessions are usually thirty minutes in length with three or four sessions scheduled per month.

There are many variables that contribute to the effectiveness of coaching:

1. Better goals are set, ones that naturally impel you forward.

2. Synergy between the coach and client creates momentum.

3. Accountability. Knowing that you have to report to someone on progress or completion of an assignment, impels you to completion.

4. Time limits and deadlines may set which mitigates procrastination.

5. Prioritizing tasks with your coach makes it more likely that the tasks will be accomplished.

6. Tasks are put into manageable pieces to avoid feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of the task.

7. You can borrow your coaches belief in you, until you develop a belief in yourself.

8. You have a partner in your coach; working with someone always feels more empowering than working alone.

9. You develop new skills.

10. When you have a coach, you tend to take yourself more seriously.

11. You take more effective and focused actions immediately.

12. You stop putting up with what is holding you back.

13. You set better goals that are more in accord with what you want out of life.

Why is coaching becoming so popular?

Thomas Leonard, founder of Coach University, says that coaching is becoming so popular for several reasons:

“Many people are tired of doing what they think they “should” do and are ready to do something special and meaningful for the rest of their lives. One problem is that many can’t see what this is or, if they can, they can’t find a way to reorient their life around it. A coach can help them do both.

People are realizing how simple it can be to accomplish something that several years ago might have felt out of reach or like a pipedream. A coach is not a miracle worker…but a coach does have a large tool kit to help the Big Idea become a Reality. Fortunately, people now have the time and resources to invest in themselves in this kind of growth.

Spirituality. If you track the phenomenal success of James Redfield’s Celestine Prophecy on the NY Times best-seller list back in 1994, you got a sense of just how many people are willing to look at, and consider, the notion of spirituality. Wow. Many coaches are spiritually based – even the ones who coach IBM or AT&T. America is growing more spiritual very quickly. ([My] working definition of spirituality? How connected you are with yourself and others.”) The coach helps the clients to tune in better to themselves and to others.”

How can I know whether I need a coach or a therapist?

Generally people have turned to a psychotherapist when they experience psychological pain that interferes with the conduct of their everyday life. They may experience anxiety, depression, sexual dysfunction, dysphoria, low self-esteem, lack of identity, obsessions, compulsive rituals, or a feeling that they are not functioning to capacity. Many people have turned to psychologists and other psychotherapists when they want to enhance their life. They seek therapy for personal growth and greater self-understanding.

Coaching begins where psychotherapy leaves off. The coach assumes that the client is well-functioning and is facing a roadblock or finding it difficult to get over the next mountain to greater fulfillment. People turn to coaches when their life is going well. Usually they are high-functioning people who want to expand their lives, their businesses, and their general outlook. They tend to be successful people who have a vision that they could go beyond where they are, but feel that they would like someone to work with them to achieve their goals. These are the same people who would seek a coach to improve their golf or tennis game, seek consultation in their business, or utilize a financial planner to assist with their finances. They seek a coach to accelerate their growth or maximize an opportunity. Some people choose a coach to help in the short-term for a specific task or project, while others engage a coach to restructure their life.

What training do coaches have?

Many coaches have a background in human behavior, psychology, or human development. A large number of coaches hold licenses in a psychological discipline, e.g., psychology, counseling, social work, etc. Others have a background in business, law or consulting. These individuals usually have sought additional training in coaching. Most all coaches have had extensive personal experience.

Many coaches, like myself, have found that coaching emerged naturally out of their clinical practice. After having been in practice for over 30 years, I have developed a body of experience. I have worked with individuals for years and watched them through their various life transitions. Many times people come back after being in therapy seeking something different from their therapy experience. They are facing an obstacle to their progress and wanted a trusted professional with whom to discuss their situation. Whether it is a business decision, a life decision, or a wish to change their lifestyle, they want a different perspective. So they have turned to me. Over the years I have found this type of relationship very rewarding. Often these people would jokingly refer to me as “Coach.” Little did I know that this title was to be prophetic. I am sure that many practitioners have found their way into coaching by a similar route.

People choose their coach on the basis of whether there is reason to believe that this person can help me to accomplish my goals. If they feel comfortable with their coach and believe progress is being made, they continue. Otherwise, they terminate the relationship. Coaching is not about “the doctor knows best” model. It is about what works for you.

After the Affair

Among the worst experiences a lover or spouse can endure is discovering that their partner either is having or has had an affair. The sense of betrayal is so powerful that one does not think it is possible to ever get over it...ever. Someone who feels betrayed may experience a wide array of emotions ranging from deep sadness to severe depression to murderous rage, and everything in between. There is no correct set of feelings appropriate to this universal experience. The effects of an affair on a relationship can similarly range from total destruction to a desire to learn from the affair and work toward strengthening the relationship. In the words of Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, an affair can either be "a death knell or a wake-up call."

Frequently, patients may say to me that they are considering having an affair. They may either have someone in mind, or they may be simply musing about the possibility. Invariably, however, there is some underlying issue that is driving these thoughts. Why else would they be willing to violate their commitment vows for a one-night stand? A one-night stand leaves the relationship altered in some way even if one is not caught. It leaves the unfaithful partner living a lie that will affect the relationship. I suggest that instead of acting on the fantasy, they discuss their discontent with their spouse, putting the issues on the table, and begin the process of working toward resolution before it is too late. The fantasy, itself, can be a wake-up call, letting the partners know that all is not well on the home front.

When an affair has already been consummated, however, it is difficult to get through the pain and anguish of the betrayal to look at the nature of the relationship that may have set the stage for the affair. All too often, this examination is experienced by the betrayed party as putting the responsibility on him or her rather than on the unfaithful partner. Nonetheless, if a couple has decided that they want to remain together despite the affair, this examination becomes part of the healing process.

To be sure, it is much easier to turn one's back on a relationship that has been damaged by an affair than to move toward getting beyond the pain to examine the relationship. It takes consider-able courage and determination to rebuild trust, examine one's own contribution to the state of the union, and to put in the required effort to make the relationship work. Similarly, it takes great humility on the part of the unfaithful party to face his or her shortcomings, character failings, and fears to overcome the guilt for having inflicted such harm on one's partner, and move for-ward to earn forgiveness.

STAGES OF HEALING

According to Dr. Spring, there are three stages of healing:

Stage 1: Normalizing one's feelings. The betrayed partner is often flooded with a host of feelings. Almost any feeling that one has is normal. An affair leaves one feeling violated, alone, distrusting, and filled with self-doubt. Often there is a profound sense of loss, as though the very ground upon which one walks has been pulled out from under, leaving one suspended in space. There are many losses that one may experience: loss of faith, sense of specialness, self-respect, sense of purpose, to name a few. One may doubt one's sense of reality; one's fundamental beliefs may get thrown in to question. In short, someone who has been betrayed may no longer be sure of his or her own sense of identity. While one may feel as though he or she is going crazy, they are not. All of these feelings and more are completely normal given the magnitude of the trauma experienced.

The unfaithful partner may also be filled with a variety of feeling. However, no matter how awful he or she might feel, it does not compare to what the betrayed partner feels. It is not nearly as shattering for the unfaithful partner as it is for the betrayed.

Stage 2: Deciding whether to recommit or quit. Some people may believe that once a partner strays, the relationship is over. They may also believe that once there has been a betrayal, re-building the trust is impossible. Taking this position, however, precludes the possibility that people can change, that people can learn from their mistakes, and that something once broken can be repaired. Whatever one's beliefs, most psychologists would en-courage people to avoid making decisions based on assumptions that are highly subjective, or based on a highly charged emotional state. What feels right while one's emotions are raw may not be what's right later.

Essentially there are four options: (a) to leave the relationship and not look back; (b) to remain in the marriage and never discuss or explore what happened; (c) to stay in the relationship and permit the affair to continue; and (d) to remain in the relationship working toward rebuilding trust, developing a more intimate relationship, and developing a plan for assuring that it won't happen again.

If one chooses the first option of leaving the relationship, he or she runs the risk of not having learned anything from the affair, thus risking repeating the same mistakes again in the future. One also runs the risk of leaving with a great deal of bitterness that may build-up as time goes on.

If one chooses to simply put the affair behind without discussing any of the factors that may have led to the affair, one runs the risk of living a life of constantly wondering whether it will happen again. All of one's questions are left unanswered; one learns nothing, and one leaves the ground fertile for it to happen again or for suspicion to build. Neither party has the opportunity to learn from the experience.

If one chooses to remain in the relationship and permit the affair to continue, one is virtually assuring himself or herself a life of resentment, guilt, anger, depression, and loss of self-respect. Unless both parties have agreed to a sexually open marriage, and have the maturity to carry it off responsibly, in the majority of cases where it has been tried this option has not proven to be vi-able.

The last option, that of remaining together and working toward rebuilding one's relationship, gives both parties the opportunity to learn from the experience. It has the greatest probability for strengthening the relationship and moving it forward.

Stage 3: Rebuilding one's relationship. Once one has made the decision to work with one's spouse toward rebuilding one's relationship, one must be realistic about what one expects. It will not be an easy road. The process involves a careful self examination and an honest look at the relationship on the part of both the betrayed and the unfaithful. In my experience, couples who have made this choice have always learned a great deal about them-selves as well as about their partner. In order to maximize their learning, however, it is necessary for them to develop the necessary skills for doing so. Often it is necessary to consult with a trained mental health professional to facilitate the communication between the partners, especially in the often emotionally raw state immediately after the affair. The following suggestions can be helpful in developing the skills needed for effective communication.

Communication Skills. Being able to communicate is one of the greatest assets in any relationship; it is especially important when trying to rebuild a relationship after an affair. And it is especially difficult when dealing with the emotionally charged experience of betrayal.

Often we believe we are saying one thing while the listener is hearing something entirely different. The listener is responding to their interpretation of what was said. Communication requires both good transmission skills (articulation) and good receptive skills (listening). Without both, communication will be, at best, difficult.

• Arrange for a convenient meeting time rather than trying to have a discussion when it is likely to be interrupted.

• Find a "talking stick" (any small object will do). So long as one person is holding the stick, that person also holds the floor. Once the stick is passed, it becomes the other person's time to talk. This technique prevents interruptions.

• Express your point, and then, passing the stick, ask your spouse to repeat what you said so that you can be certain that you were at least heard. If your partner is not able to repeat what you said, or you do not feel under-stood, repeat your point until you are satisfied.

• The listener's job during this exercise is to be certain you understand and communicate that understanding to your spouse before you comment on the content of what you are being told.

• Once your partner feels heard, then it becomes your turn to comment and be heard.

• Continue this process until resolution, passing the "talking stick" and alternately being in the role of transmitter and receiver.

This approach, often referred to as "active listening," can prevent misunderstandings and serve to keep emotions under control. It is difficult to react emotionally if you are truly listening and communicating understanding before responding.

Dr. Springer suggests five areas that need to be addressed in the process of rebuilding a relationship after an affair. These areas can be used as the basis for discussions between the partners. These areas include talking about what each has learned from the affair, discussing what is necessary to restore trust, talking about what happened that led to and resulted from the affair, exploring sexual attitudes and behaviors, and sharing what would be necessary for the hurt party to forgive.

LEARNING FROM THE AFFAIR

In order to maximize one's learning from the affair, one first has to take a hard look at herself or himself. This is often the most difficult part of this journey. The natural tendency is to want to point one's finger at the other partner. The unfaithful partner wants to blame the betrayed partner for causing him or her to stray. The hurt partner wants to put the total responsibility on the unfaithful partner. To be sure, the unfaithful partner bears the lion's share of responsibility for the affair, since no one can make anyone be unfaithful; it is a choice. However, to spend a great deal of time engaged in finger pointing will teach the parties nothing and only serve to maintain distance between them. The task here is not to argue about who bears most of the guilt, but rather for each person to examine their portion of responsibility for how the relationship developed, and for the state of the union prior to the affair. The job is for each partner to examine their own baggage, their own issues, their own child hood experiences, their expectations, their assumptions, and what role each played in contributing to the difficulties in the relationship.

Each party can ask themselves the following: How have my childhood experiences affected my relationships today? How have I been damaged by infidelities in my own family? How are the qualities I dislike in my partner related to those I like or envy, and may be missing, in myself? How have stressful life events at the time of the affair knocked me off balance and contributed to my problems at home?

RESTORING TRUST

Trust is earned through action. It is not simply given, nor should it be expected. It must be earned through consistently providing an atmosphere where each party can feel safe. A trust is often considered sacred. And when it is violated, it is not easy to re-build. Most of us have had experiences during our lives that either prepared us to trust easily or prepared us to believe that we should be guarded. For those who grew up in a safe, nurturing environment, where people honored their word, where they felt safe and protected, trust comes easily. For those who experienced environments that were not safe, where they could not count on others, trust does not come easily. Hence, just how much time, and what specific types of behaviors may be required to restore trust, once violated, will vary depending on the life experiences of the hurt party.


When we speak of trust in the context of an affair we are referring to the belief that your partner will remain faithful to you and not betray you again. Springer refers to another form of trust as well. Namely, that form of trust that says that if you "venture back into the relationship, your partner will address your grievances and not leave you regretting your decision to recommit."

In order to rebuild trust with the hurt partner, the unfaithful partner will have to demonstrate that she or he is worthy of being trusted. This will require behavioral changes that may feel un-comfortable. The unfaithful partner may feel on trial; the truth is, he or she is on trial! He or she is being evaluated for trustworthiness. And it may take quite a long time to rebuild the trust; it is not an overnight process. In the aftermath of an affair, nothing can be taken for granted. The unfaithful partner will have to be conscious of her or his behavior 100% of the time. He or she will have to behave in ways that demonstrate love even when these feelings are not immediately felt. The unfaithful partner will have to answer the same questions repeatedly, until the hurt party is satisfied. He or she will have to live his or her life accountable to his or her partner, apprising the partner of his or her whereabouts, actions, and even thoughts. The unfaithful partner will have to commit to being 100% honest and candid; one contradiction can result in a significant setback, and widen the gap between the partners. The unfaithful partner must have a vision of how he or she wishes the relationship between the partners to be, and then do everything in his or her power to act in ways to create it.

TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED

There is no substitute for talking through the hurt, disappointment, and anger that results from an affair. Simply moving on, putting the past behind one, is not sufficient to healing a shattered relationship. A significant part of the healing process requires that both parties have the opportunity to talk about what happened, what they each experienced, and their respective under-standing of the state of the relationship at the time. The hurt party needs to be able to express his or her hurt and anger and have the unfaithful partner truly listen and understand the magnitude of the damage caused. The unfaithful partner needs to share their dissatisfactions with the relationship, his or her state of mind at the time, and his or her confusion. Both partners need to be able to listen and fully understand the other's point of view even when it hurts to do so.

Each partner must be willing to be vulnerable. Each must be willing to be honest, personal, and deeply revealing about the affair and what it meant and what pain it caused. Now is the time for full disclosure. If one is going to rebuild the relationship, one cannot do so while maintaining secrets and telling lies and half-truths. It is a time to talk about grievances, shame, fear, sadness, hurt, rage, etc. It is a time for sharing and for listening.

SEX AGAIN

After an affair, resuming a normal sexual relationship may seem all but impossible. The hurt spouse often feels undesirable and may assume that the unfaithful partner would rather be with his or her lover. As much as the hurt partner wants assurances and physical closeness, he or she is apt to push the partner away, not wanting to be that vulnerable. There are the conflicting reactions of wanting closeness yet wanting to protect oneself. The unfaithful partner may still be in the throes of the break up with his or her lover and may miss the illicitness of the affair. Developing an intimate connection after an affair may take quite a while. It will be necessary to explore the assumptions that each may be making regarding the other's behavior. Before resuming sexual relations, learning to be comfortable in each other's physical presence, especially naked, may take time. It will not come naturally. It will take practice and conversations. Overcoming expectations and assumptions about sexuality will be part of the conversations. It is virtually impossible not to compare one's self or one's partner with the other member of the affair. Questions will emerge that need to be answered before more normal sexual relations can occur.

LEARNING TO FORGIVE

There are several important concepts to understand when it comes to forgiveness, especially after an affair. One has to for-give both him or herself and one's partner. There has to redemption. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

Forgiving oneself and one's partner. The betrayed partner must forgive himself or herself for, among other things, blaming him-self or herself for the partner's betrayal; for being naïve, ignoring one's suspicions, tolerating the partner's excuses for unacceptable behavior in order to preserve the relationship; having a poorly developed self-concept; and contributing to the partner's dissatisfaction at home.

The unfaithful partner must forgive herself or himself for feeling so needy; for exposing one's partner to life threatening disease; for blaming one's partner for one's own dissatisfaction; and for failing to confront one's partner with one's essential needs.

Redemption requires that the unfaithful partner makes a full disclosure of his or her transgressions and seeks to make amends to the betrayed partner. It is often very valuable for the unfaithful partner to put his or her amends in the form of a written contract, or vow of commitment, stating how he or she intends to honor the hurt partner. Spring refers to this as a "covenant of promises." "Promises mean little by themselves," she states, "but when they are coupled with specific, relevant behaviors, they can assure your partner of your continuing commitment to change."

Forgetting is not likely to occur; it should not be expected. Some people believe that with forgiveness there should be forgetting. One doesn't forget the traumas of his or her life, but one can come to terms with them. The fact that an affair took place will not disappear. However, a great deal of the emotional charge associated with the affair can dissipate as one works through the various stages.

CONCLUSION

An affair can serve as a new beginning for couples that wish to rebuild their relationship on a new foundation. Just as a house that has been damaged by a tornado can often be rebuilt to be stronger and more enduring than it was, so can a relationship that has been damaged by an affair. It requires that the individuals involved make a whole-hearted commitment to do whatever is necessary to rebuild the trust, love, and intimacy between them. This rebuilding takes time and patience. Similar to rebuilding house, there is a lot of debris that needs to be cleaned up and sorted through before the actual building can occur. Most often, it requires outside consultation. It is not a process that can be undertaken lightly, and expert advice is necessary.

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Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a clinical psychologist, marriage counselor, sex therapist, and life coach, practicing in Santa Monica, CA. for over 30 years. For more information visit his website at www.docdreyfus.com.

This article is abstracted from his recent book, KEEPING YOUR SANITY (IN AN INSTANE WORLD, Xlibris, 2004 that can be at http://www.keepingyoursanity.com/.