PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach, posts articles and information regarding a variety of psychological issues confronting people every day. In addition, he responds to questions about relationships, sexual difficulties, and other concerns that have been submitted through his website.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Santa Monica, California, United States

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Relationship With A Married Man

I was stupid enough to have a relationship with a married man. We've been together for two years. He has been married for nine years. Recently, his wife who has always been emotionally abusive, found out about us and has done a complete turn around. She is suddenly willing to go to therapy, to think about his needs, etc. after nine years of the absolute opposite behavior. He says he loves me and has always maintained that he wont let her 'trap' him again (they were married because she got pregnant). Yet she's once again manipulated him (even after she kicked him out of his home, wrote me a letter about how terrible he is, and forbade him from talking to his kids) and he's decided to "give her another chance". I love him too much to let her hurt him again and I see it happening all over. What do I do?

The short answer to your question is “bail.” It is time for you to move on and create a life for yourself without him. Having an affair with a married man, especially with children, and expecting him to leave his wife because he says he loves you, is an old story. Unfortunately a great many women fall for it, thinking that they will be the one who is going to be so loved that the man will be willing to sacrifice his family for her. More often than not, these women have a great need to be able to prove that they can be loved more the man’s current wife. Some say, that this stems from an unconscious wish for their fathers to love their daughter more than they loved their wives. Regardless of the reasons why you were available to have an affair with a married man (that’s something to be discussed with your psychotherapist), the bottom line is that you should bid him a fond farewell. He is a big boy, making grown up decisions. He does not need saving. But perhaps you do.

224 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know that this is very hurting since you do sincerely love the man. I am sharing such experience although the wife is not abusive and she knows everything. But there are unbelievably plenty of co-dependents and the wife is willing to sort out their marriage gradually. But God knows! There is no future, only insecurity in the kind of love which we steal from a marraige.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm friends with Married men. I'm a female. They can be very loving and giving at this point in their lives. I fell that they feel trapped in loveless relationships. Do understand that they love their wives because they married them for one reason or another. When a relationship goes wrong, it's not ok to look for love in someone else. This is the time to sort through your situation and make a decision. Understand that most women get into relationships, even when being told that the other person is married or not getting a divorce, to get something out of it or for a lasting relationship. This can cause a lot of hurt and pain in the end. Your relationship will end sooner or later. The best thing that you can be to a married friend is a friend. They really need that. Understand the word friend and keep yourself from unwanted stress and heartache. Love yourself.

6:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

married men should not confide in personal details about their married life with the opposte sex they consider friends...thy should dicuss personal matters with a pastor or counselor .

6:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If a woman has a male friend she should not engage in personal conversations about private matters because it encourages and/or bring the friendship to a different level which could be inappropriate.

7:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its easy to talk to leave, that he would never leave is family for u, but when you love someone its very difficult to leave, almost impossible. You know the truth but inside of u, you want to believe that one day you will be reward with him for u only. Im completely in love with a married man, that he lives 3 days with and the rest with his wife in different countries, and woorst, i work with him and i know her and she knows me. Of course she knows about me but since doesnt affect her confortable life. She doesnt make love to him, dont give attention or caring. And he's such nice man... I would give everthing to be married to him and have his childs.

7:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know how hard it is to try to walk away from a married man, I've tried. I know he loves me but has a ill child that he doesn't want to walk out on. I know in my head the end result of this relationship but I don't have the strength to walk away. So I am left with the feelings of guilt, sadness and anger, one day I will be able to do it, I know I will.

9:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know how you are feeling, I'm in sort of the same type of situation, I am married and so is he, but we both have very strong feelings for each other and yet we don't want to leave our spouses...This is just something that I hope you luck and joy from because it is all soo confusing to me also...

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sharing with you the same experience. I'm having the same relationship since five years and he's married for 16 years, the most difficut part that he is my manager and I have to see him 8 hours a day. I wanted to end this relationship coz his commitments withhis family and with her is killing me. But How I can do it he is all my life.

1:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know how you are feeling. I've dated my married man on and off over 18 years. We have children. He left me alone for 10 years and raised his kids with her and never looked back. One day he had a "revelation" he said this time was for real. He'd leave her. He moved next store and filed for divorce. 3 years later he is still married and living next door while I raise my children alone. he does spend a great deal of time with us but has been caught not being home or not available for hours at a time. he told me yesterday he needs more time. he is never going to leave and i am working on getting a life of my own. even though i cant imagine life without him i can no longer image a life with her always in it.

11:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is there really no good comments about this? I am 100% in love with a married man, and want something to re-assure me that yes, there is a chance... "dreams really do come true." Is it really that impossible and jaded to believe that maybe... just maybe, he really does love me, and can leave his wife and family to be with me? I understand there will be baggage... but It has happened right? There is still a chance. The odds may be against my favor, but yes, there is a chance, and I'm not letting go that easy.

11:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm currently dealing with a married man and i'm pregnant! I've been wanting to end this fake relationship because its very unhealthy.I want to wake up every morning with a man who loves me and want to be with only me.I beleive that once we as women learn to love ourselves than we won't tolerate that type of wickedness.

4:14 PM  
Blogger beenthr said...

A married man who strings a woman along ,saying he will divorce his wife someday while he's enjoying her
body { the mistress} and company, is eating his cake and having it too. He basically is treating her like an
unpaid whore.What is so attractive about a cheater?
A man who isn't honest, hasn't any integrety or character! Run, run, run! A man like that is robbing of you youth and your precious time that you will not get back.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is RUN not walk away from a married man. I was friends with my married lover for 3 years prior to our relationship. He has always showed an interest in me but I never returned the interest. It has always been known in our circle of friends that he married his wife because she was pregnant and he always complained of being very unhappy and wanting to seperate. My lover waited until I was going through a very tough breakup to make his move on me. He was everything I was looking for at the time, he called and texted me all day. He was at my home all the time, he called me while on vacation with his wife, he even told her he had to work Thanksgiving to be with me. Then he began to tell me how much he loved and was in love with me, that he loved his wife but had not been in love with her for a very long time. ALL LIES. He sat me down one day to tell me she was pregnant again, even went so from as to tell the whole nine months that he did not believe the baby was his because he had stopped having sex with her 2 months prior to our affair, LIES. He then told me after the birth of the baby he was leaving. I waited until the child was 3 months before I asked what was going on with the seperation. At this time he stated I want to get save and give my life to God. I have to do what is right. I said ok and he came back twice, but it really was only for sex. So I called his wife and everything came out. She forgave him, and they are trying to work it out but he is still calling and trying to have sex with me. I know now that he will never leave and I will not waste another day on a cheater. This is who he is and nothing or no one will ever change that. I feel sorry for her because he will always cheat on her, he believes it's in his blood.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous deannabranch121868@yahoo.com said...

I know almost exactly how you feel. I am in love with a married man. We have been together almost a decade. We were kicking it 4 years before his wife found out.. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me and I believe him but he claims that he is stuck between a rock and a hard place because of his children.

9:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been together with this married man for seven years and have had 2 kids.A part of me don' expect him to leave his wife but a part wants him to. This might sound a bit foolish but as long as he is there for us, and makes me feel loved i am ok.

From
Anonymous

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm terribly in love with my boyfriend too. I am getting divorced now and his marriage is getting better. Of course, since he has met me he is "happy" I hate myself for loving him, for waiting til he can comeover. He always says he loves me, that we met for a reason, and blah blah blah... Makes me so sad, when we are together its great, away from him I'm miserable. Can't handle the jealousy, Waiting for my heart to catch up to my brain. I KNOW I should leave him, but I CANT.

7:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had a relationship with a married man for about 7 years now. We were friends first and it just happened. He is my best friend and I am his. We have tried to break up several times but always end up back in each others arms. I truly love him and I truly know he feels the same way. Four years into our relationship I had a baby. I had mixed feelings. I actually didn't tell him for awhile because I didn't want this to be a reason for him to stay around. Rest assured I am not the kind of woman who wants a "no strings" relationship. I am not the kind of woman who had a baby to try to steal him away. In fact, I've even given him advice on women and how we feel when he was having problems in his own life. I never have dated married men before. He often tells me I have taught him a lot about life and the type of person he wants to be. We have a wonderful emotional and sexual relationship. Sounds great? It's not. I constantly don't understand if it's so perfect then why can't he love me enough to make me #1 in his life. I have never asked him to leave his wife. He has seperated several times from her but always goes back for the kids and financial issues. I've sacrificed time and even friendships for him. Because I have such a strong connection with him I almost feel addicted. Every time I start to end things I just CANT. And now that we have a child together, he will always be in my life. My advice to anyone in this type of relationship is to end it before there is any strong feelings and attachments. I've talked to counselors and even family. I feel almost embarassed because of how the public views "the other woman" even though we are not all blonde bimbo homewreckers. I want to be with someone and have the emotional connection like this but I want to be able to go to bed and cuddle with them at night and wake up with them. I long for this. Please don't get it started if you haven't already.

10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh man, Can I relate! I have been with a married man for 7 years, no kids. His wife was cheating and they fell out 4 years ago. Of course I was the shoulder to cry on & he told me he wanted to be with me. I stayed by his side. They are no longer together intimately, just cordial roomates for the kids. The kids & their family know about me and that they are not together. She is with someone and he is with me. Well he tells me that I am his BEST FRIEND and his happiness. But he wont leave home and get a divorce. He says that he wants to be with me and loves me. but he cant leave home. he is not ready. Will he ever be ready? I dont think so, and so I am trying to end it. But he doesnt want to let go of me, his home, his marriage, or his wife. I gave him time and stuck by him waiting and he says that now I am not having his back because I want out. I did for 7 years, so when is he going to have mine?

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

when we met we were both unhappily married. him for 2 years me for 12. he had no children, I had 2. we were together for a year and i fell completely in love with him. I filed for a divorce and he got his wife pregnant. his son is 4 now. we are still together. he is still married. i have been in love and with him for almost 7 years. I am too old to have a child with him now. and he is still married. he says he is in love with me and i am his best friend and his soul mate but he isnt even close to a divorce. it will be at leaste a year from when one of them has the nerve to file, I am miserable with out him. but I have made his marriage tolerable long enough. I am crazy now. I have been in and out of theropy but i cannot do what she says....leave him. When is it my turn? Why dont I have the strength to walk away? Is love that strong and addicting? i want a normal life. I deserve it. I am a good mother and work hard. My heart hurts. i have affected my health. How could he hurt me like this. I believed in him.

7:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay so a couple weeks ago I wrote this:
Oh man, Can I relate! I have been with a married man for 7 years, no kids. His wife was cheating and they fell out 4 years ago. Of course I was the shoulder to cry on & he told me he wanted to be with me. I stayed by his side. They are no longer together intimately, just cordial roomates for the kids. The kids & their family know about me and that they are not together. She is with someone and he is with me. Well he tells me that I am his BEST FRIEND and his happiness. But he wont leave home and get a divorce. He says that he wants to be with me and loves me. but he cant leave home. he is not ready. Will he ever be ready? I dont think so, and so I am trying to end it. But he doesnt want to let go of me, his home, his marriage, or his wife. I gave him time and stuck by him waiting and he says that now I am not having his back because I want out. I did for 7 years, so when is he going to have mine?

10:48 PM


NOW - he has left home and wants to be with me...but the sad part is that I dont want to be with him anymore. I have moved on and do not want to go back!! What do I do??? My feelings have changed, this is what I wanted and now he is leaving his home and getting divorced - BUT I DONT WANT HIM ANYMORE - am I wrong??

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am having an affair with a married man...its hard for me to let him go...he said he loves me,,,but he cant just walk out of his children...its hard for me...but i know,,,time will come that i have to give him up and just move on with myself...

8:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

was it stupid and selfish asking him to leave his family if he really loves me?

8:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I have read all the listings here and I have to tell you that after 7 years of this on again, off again affair, I have given him the ultimatum if you call me or try to start this up again, the first call is wifeypoo. I told him not to make any assumption, I am totally in love with a married man but I'm done. It will take some time to get over this but it is time. It is a new year. I must have reminded him 10 times not to test me, that if he comes back he comes back 100% or don't come back. I will call his wife if he picks up the phone. I had to do it for my own self preservation. He is scared shitless of his wife. She holds the cards because she holds the kids even though they are pretty grown, his youngest is 16. I figure it will take some months to really get over this. I don't hate him I just want it over. It is time to start a new clean life with a man that is mine and thinks I'm terrific.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just ended a 3 year relationship with a married man I am deeply in love with. The affair started as a selfish need on my part and a genuine hunger for attention on his part. I came into it thinking "this was fun" and that I would only fool around with this for awhile to help me heal a relationship I was recently out of. We continued to see each other and things started to get serious. After a few months he told me that his wife had cancer (breast, liver and colon) and that he thought she had only a year or so to live. After hearing that I felt like this was someone I could possibly have a future with. We continued to see each other with this unspoken understanding. We talked about our future together, genuinely fell in love with each other and treated each other as if we were married. This was all ok for me until the last year. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sadness and loneliness. Knowing I wanted to be with him, but knowing that I was waiting for a woman to die for that to be. It was almost too much for my brain to handle. Although our love was "real", and I do believe that we would be together if he was ever available, the feelings of loneliness (especially during the holidays) overpowered any feelings of love I had. In the end, I think if you really want to "have it all", and you feel like you deserve it, then you should remove yourself from any situation that would get in the way of what you really want.

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just ended a 3 year relationship with a married man I am deeply in love with. The affair started as a selfish need on my part and a genuine hunger for attention on his part. I came into it thinking "this was fun" and that I would only fool around with this for awhile to help me heal a relationship I was recently out of. We continued to see each other and things started to get serious. After a few months he told me that his wife had cancer (breast, liver and colon) and that he thought she had only a year or so to live. After hearing that I felt like this was someone I could possibly have a future with. We continued to see each other with this unspoken understanding. We talked about our future together, genuinely fell in love with each other and treated each other as if we were married. This was all ok for me until the last year. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sadness and loneliness. Knowing I wanted to be with him, but knowing that I was waiting for a woman to die for that to be. It was almost too much for my brain to handle. Although our love was "real", and I do believe that we would be together if he was ever available, the feelings of loneliness (especially during the holidays) overpowered any feelings of love I had. In the end, I think if you really want to "have it all", and you feel like you deserve it, then you should remove yourself from any situation that would get in the way of what you really want.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I am reading all of your comments, I am deeply sadden, I am currently in a wonderful relation with someone who had a kid with a married man and everything from the beginning to the end was conceptual, even the child, and its amazing how there are so many of you out there, not caring out the future or finding someone who will love you and make you number, I just can’t believe that someone can actually give themselves complete to someone who already has a family, and not even think that maybe there’s better, well today I ended that relation base on that past experience, because as a man I want to feel like I am #1, that everything we share is worth something. My advice to you ladies who are having this affair, you think you are hurting now, watch 5, 10, 20 years from now, and I do hope you can fine a guy who will see beyond the selfish mistake, I know I can’t atm

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As I am reading all of your comments, I am deeply sadden, I am currently in a wonderful relation with someone who had a kid with a married man and everything from the beginning to the end was conceptual, even the child, and its amazing how there are so many of you out there, not caring out the future or finding someone who will love you and make you number, I just can’t believe that someone can actually give themselves complete to someone who already has a family, and not even think that maybe there’s better, well today I ended that relation base on that past experience, because as a man I want to feel like I am #1, that everything we share is worth something. My advice to you ladies who are having this affair, you think you are hurting now, watch 5, 10, 20 years from now, and I do hope you can fine a guy who will see beyond the selfish mistake, I know I can’t atm

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

actually i used to see ladies that date married men as been selfish and wicked,but recently i realised married men are the ones to blam because they entice you with all sort of promises,and we ladies have such soft heart we just move along and think its just for a while we will get over it ,but its doesnt work out that way.i have this young guy in my life that is liveing with is finance, they have been together for about a year now,althougth i just met him a month now and i kind of like him
i have told him to go several times because i cant be the #2 in a guys life, but he still comes back.

2:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in a relationship with a married man for a year, and I just recently found out that I am expecting my first child. His wife has found out about this relationship that we have and she has harrassed me. I am not totally at fault here I did not know that he was married for 4 months his career allows him to get away with this type of behavior. But I have fallen in love with him, although I have attempted several times to end the relationship. I have went so far as moving to another state, and yes he found me. Just recently I purchased a home in the state of Texas but in a different county on the other side of Dallas he in the South and I am in the North. But he still manages to find me. Before I found out that I was expecting, I tried dating other men but he would come around and try to cause confusion. I do not want to get anyone caught up in my drama. So how do I end this, escpecially now that I am having his child.

10:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been In a relationship with a married man for one year and a half and honestly he's everything to me because I found true love I mean the real deal the thing is that he's older than me for 14 years am 26 and he's 40 and Im in a relationship myself I have a fiancee but sadly I don't have feeling for my so call Fiancee since I been with this man, he has a family and his wife knew about me in the beginning but know she thinks he's faitfull to him wich is not true,but bottom line to this is that i feel really bad because I love him and is hard to let go he truly makes me sooo happy he makes me feel great in all aspects, morally, spiritually,phisically I dont' know what to do because I know this is going to end one day for sure , please advise me

10:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow!! How many of us soft hearted (headed) souls are there out there? Don't get me wrong, I mean women AND men. Woman can be just as unfaithful you know! I have just ended a 4 year relationship with a MM. Yep! I had all the lines that tons of u have posted on this site. Ultimatly I knew what I was doing would cause me harm, and it has. I was married for 17 years to a man who had affairs. Same story. Every time he got caught he would beg forgiveness and after all the pain I 'loved' him. I left him 8 years ago. Was on my own with my kids for 4 then I met him! I knew him already but then he became my boss. I've had to leave a job I love because after a year of false promises he finally finished with me and I went to bits. He has spent the last 3 years bouncing back (for sex & an ego boost). I finally wised up. It's fine. I know that it will be fine. I've told him not to contact me. So far it's been a week and with the help of the unbelievable number of posts on the WWW i'm ok. I don't feel alone and I'm going to never make that mistake again. I guess what I'm saying is I learnt a real lesson here, so it's not been wasted time really. I judged all the woman who slept with my husband, now I walk in their shoes and I'm humbled! My advise would be if your starting a relationship with a MM, don't!!! If he was that unhappy he would end his current relationship. And also you breathed before he came, you can breath when he's gone. Life is more than being some blokes side dish, we deserve to be the main course!! Love to you all :)

4:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been seeing a MM for two years. He has his own life and does whatever he wants at home. We go out on week ends and we have all the freedom we want like he is not married...but I know he is and it's killing me. I wasn't raised to chase after somebody's man. I know it is wrong. There are days I get so depressed I can barely go out. I hate that. On top of everything I am much younger than him and I know I could have much much more. And yet, I am still with him. He always says he leaves, but he never leaves...and I am sick of it. So many times I have been really close to end things and I know I will have to for my own sake. The love I had for him just became anger and desire to make him pay one day and this is not healthy. I am not a Saint, but if there is a God all these men one day will realize the harm they caused us...we just wanted to be loved and ended up trapped...very few men have the guts to leave...we all know that deep inside us...

8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in a relationship with a married man for 3 and a half years. We have been best friends and worked close together for 11 years. It turned physical and that's where the trouble started. We both knew we had strong feelings from day 1 but I was married at the time and we just became closer and closer through the years. We talked about everything and was always there for eachother and just had such a bond that I never though would break. He met his now wife and they both agreed to just have a physical relationship and she promised him that's all she wanted and told him she couldnt get pregnant and month later guess what she was pregnant. Of course he was mad and came to me and said well he would never love her and I told him thats what he gets for not using something and falling for the oldest trick in the book. I ended my 12 year marriage to my sons dad after years of drugs and abuse. he was sad because now he was in a relationship he didnt want but now had a daughter he loved so much and felt so trapped. Our love became closer and just one day it happened and we had no regrets. He told me he would get a divorce and wanted a life with me. He had never felt the kinda love and experinced what we had with anyone and was so scared we never would. I begged him to be honest with his wife so many times and he told me he needed time. he was scared for his daughter and didnt want her to hate him and he had so much guilt. He hurt me time and time again over the next 3 and a half years and I believed every thing he told me. She found out about me of course like I told him she would. Of course she stayed and took it as I did. He was telling us both lies and bouncing back and forth made us both crazy. My heart has been ripped apart so many times I thought I was going nuts. I walked away so many times but he always begged me to stand by him and made me feel so special and my heart just melted for him all over again. He said he always felt so guilty after spending an awesome day with me that he hurt me to hurt himself because he had so much guilt. He moved in with me for 3 month and everything was great. Then she tells him shes pregnant again from them being together 3 days before they had seperated so its plain to see she can get pregnant anytime she wants to. Why would people use babies to trap someone into being with them knowing they dont love you. They both took that chance him knowing she was capleable of that and her using children that way. Thats so sad to me. I packed up all his stuff and walked away for the last time. I feel so lost and brokend now. 11 years of my life is now gone and I feel so stupid and numb. I have lost my best friend and my heart. I know I did the right thing and he still tries to call me or come by but I wont give him that chance. The sad thing is that so many people that knew us and our situation really thought we were soul mates and always made comments on our love and how we looked at eachother even strangers. I feel that if it is really meant to be it will happen when its right. He has a lot of choices to make and he is the only one that can make them. I dont know if I can ever forgive him or find even in it to be friends, any adive.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in a relationship with a married man for 3 and a half years. We have been best friends and worked close together for 11 years. It turned physical and that's where the trouble started. We both knew we had strong feelings from day 1 but I was married at the time and we just became closer and closer through the years. We talked about everything and was always there for eachother and just had such a bond that I never though would break. He met his now wife and they both agreed to just have a physical relationship and she promised him that's all she wanted and told him she couldnt get pregnant and month later guess what she was pregnant. Of course he was mad and came to me and said well he would never love her and I told him thats what he gets for not using something and falling for the oldest trick in the book. I ended my 12 year marriage to my sons dad after years of drugs and abuse. he was sad because now he was in a relationship he didnt want but now had a daughter he loved so much and felt so trapped. Our love became closer and just one day it happened and we had no regrets. He told me he would get a divorce and wanted a life with me. He had never felt the kinda love and experinced what we had with anyone and was so scared we never would. I begged him to be honest with his wife so many times and he told me he needed time. he was scared for his daughter and didnt want her to hate him and he had so much guilt. He hurt me time and time again over the next 3 and a half years and I believed every thing he told me. She found out about me of course like I told him she would. Of course she stayed and took it as I did. He was telling us both lies and bouncing back and forth made us both crazy. My heart has been ripped apart so many times I thought I was going nuts. I walked away so many times but he always begged me to stand by him and made me feel so special and my heart just melted for him all over again. He said he always felt so guilty after spending an awesome day with me that he hurt me to hurt himself because he had so much guilt. He moved in with me for 3 month and everything was great. Then she tells him shes pregnant again from them being together 3 days before they had seperated so its plain to see she can get pregnant anytime she wants to. Why would people use babies to trap someone into being with them knowing they dont love you. They both took that chance him knowing she was capleable of that and her using children that way. Thats so sad to me. I packed up all his stuff and walked away for the last time. I feel so lost and brokend now. 11 years of my life is now gone and I feel so stupid and numb. I have lost my best friend and my heart. I know I did the right thing and he still tries to call me or come by but I wont give him that chance. The sad thing is that so many people that knew us and our situation really thought we were soul mates and always made comments on our love and how we looked at eachother even strangers. I feel that if it is really meant to be it will happen when its right. He has a lot of choices to make and he is the only one that can make them. I dont know if I can ever forgive him or find even in it to be friends, any adive.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was/am still in love with this guy who is married, he lured me by saying that his wife has illict relationship and that he cannot divorce her as he is in politics. Believe me friends it is wate of time, energy and emotions put to gether for such a relation as ultimately you are treated likea whore.

9:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

girls, my coment is, after all, they will not leave their wives, please move on, you will stop loving him as I did, and he will desire you for the rest of his life, let him be unhappy, buy you try to be happy with other guy and a healthy relationship, men like that are simply cowardss, not exactly bad men, just cowards and selfish

3:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in a relationship for 2 and a half years with a married man I also met at work. When we are together it is the most wonderful time of my life. We do not work together any more and he lives in California and Arizona and I live in Florida so that adds to the complication of our relationship. We see each other once a month for about a week when he is in Arizona when in California we don't get to see each other that is where his family is. He claims that when he is there he sleeps in the spare room or couch and that he is in the process of leaving her. He has stayed in the relationship because of his young children.(that is what I am told) I divorced my husband when my children were young they were 2 and 7 and they made it just fine. I was not staying in a relationship that I was not happy with. However men seem to do it for some reason. Sometimes makes you wonder the real relationship they have with their wives. I am very unhappy when we are not together much like living an out of body experience for the past 2 and a half years. Not being able to focus on what I should be because I am always wondering where he is, what he is doing and is she with him. I understand that he loves his children and wants to be with them but I can say I was worried about that when I divorced 9 years ago but I think the quality of the time my kids had with me and when they were with their father was much better than the time we were spending as a miserable family. One thing I believe is that children are entitled to know what love is, what true love is between two people not just the show that is put on in front of them between two married people because they feel they have too. I would rather my children see love from us individually or with a new relationship than no love in a home at all. I hope that the married men or married women that read this understand the pain that we experience being in a relationship with them. I cry everyday more than one time a day over my guy, I love him and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my soul mate however I can't keep living my life alone sleeping alone every night, not having someone to hold me and share everyday life with. It is the most painful situation to be in. I know most people ask why we get ourselves into something like this, well we don't chose for it to be like this NOBODY would willing want to be in a situation like this it hurts so bad. I am a believer in we can't help who we fall in love with, me just like one of the other people that commented it just happened, he walked into my office and we made eye contact and I felt something and so did he, we have been a couple ever since. I live for the day that we are together that is what I want in life, to live happily ever after with him. I know it isn't going to be easy and the road is long but at this point I will play the game a little longer until I just can't take it any longer. It is hard though, there are times when I tell him that I wish I didn't love him. And honestly I do because I could be someones number one.....

7:19 AM  
Blogger DocDreyfus said...

Many of the stories posted break my heart. The pain jumps off the page. That being said, however, there is the harsh reality that most married men who promise their paramours that they will leave their wives to marry the paramour, do not! And a large percentage of those that do eventually leave their spouse, do so for a different woman, not their paramour.

Many of you have said that this man is your "soulmate" and you believe that the man loves you. The truth is that though he may say he loves you, he does not respect you. If he loved you he would not be making promises that he knows he will not keep. If he loved you he would put your needs before his own. If he loved you he would want you to have a fulfilling life. He is using you to supplement his unhappy marriage.

And you are enabling him to stay in the allegedly unhappy marriage. You make it possible. Why should he leave the comfortable home with the years of accumulated things in it, the bank accounts, the equity, the children, etc. to be with you when he can have you and all of his stuff?

Yes, it would be painful to leave him. AND THAT PAIN WILL DISSIPATE WITH TIME. The pain of saying good is short lived; the pain of staying in the relationship will last forever.

None of us get everything we want in this life. We may be disappointed. We get over it.

In my clinical experience, most women who stay in a relationship with a married man often are afraid of being in a committed relationship on a level playing field. That is, they can sustain a part-time relationship where they become excited anticipating the time the time when will see their lover. But they cannot sustain the day-to-day, 24/7/365 of a truly committed relationship. They have vacation relationships with none of the day to day responsibilities; and that is about all they can really handle.

Another group of women in such relationships, enjoy the drama. There is a lot of drama in an affair. It isn't dull despite the fact that it may be repetitive. There is safety in such a relationship much like there is safety in the excitement of an amusement park ride. A thrill a minute. And then it is over....until the next time.

If you really want to get out of a relationship with a married man, you have to have the determination to make the decision to leave and live with the pain; much like the addict, you have to deal with the pain of withdrawal one day at time. The pain does lessen in time especially if you set yourself a plan for the life you wish to create for yourself. Often you will need help in the form of a support group, therapy group, or individual therapy. You may need coaching to help you develop the life you want as a single woman. It is not as daunting as you may think.

Or you can continue doing what you are currently doing, just like some people who bank on winning the lottery in order to build the life they want. Some win, most do not.

3:10 PM  
Blogger DocDreyfus said...

P. S. I should also mention that there is a difference between sincerity and commitment. And this goes for both parties, married man and paramour. Sincerity is what it is your heart; commitment is what is in your feet. Listen to the heart, but watch the feet. If he is committed to leaving, you will see the action that goes with it. In most instances, he is sincere but he is committed to staying with his wife. And you may be similar: you sincerely would like to get of of the affair, but you are committed to staying miserable. If you were committed to leaving, your feet would be leading the way.

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i been into a relationship with a married since i was in college, we had to break up then because i foundout that he is married and having his second child to the woman. after 3years, we bump each other again. and exchanging mobile numbers, from then we met up and have dates and intercourse. He told me that he already divorce his wife, i love him so i bliv him so. after so long i found out that he is having affair to another woman and has given to kids. Life sucks to me during that time, i want to let go but i cant. i fall for him so hard. I know someday i have to let go and go on with my life.. i feel pity for him. this is not love i know, this is just companionship.

6:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've had a relationship with a married man for the past 3 or so years. I know it was wrong, but at the moment, it felt so right. I've given up a whole lot to be with him, I've even given him money to do stuff and saved him from real trouble. He's never paid me back any money whatsoever. Now all of a sudden, he's not talking to me anymore. Something to do with some other guy. Imagine that, he's married (has a wife who loves him) and me, I dont even have him now, I am made to feel so bad now. I've already planned out my revenge on him and it will include his precious wife.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I fell in love with a married man, a few years ago. Then after I met him, I also met his brother, who was also married. The second brother claimed to love me so much more than the first, and I just fell into his trap. Now I've lost the first one and the second one is treating me like garbage. I want to leave him, but I'll be quite honest, the sex is great. And no one knows about us, not even his brothers. I just need help to build up the courage to leave him. But I love him a lot and he knows that.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I posted about being in a relationship with a married man for 3 and a half years and we worked together for 11 years. I finaly packed up his stuff and walked away a month ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cryed for 2 weeks and have lost 7lbs from not eating or drinking. My stomach is in knots so bad but I did it. I made it clear to him I was done being on bottom of the list for everything and living a lie every day and tired of hurting. I love him with all my heart and sole and people who know us and have seen us together keep saying it will work out it will be fine you two are made for eachother and how much they see it in our eyes and the way we look at eachother. i have stuck to my guns and not taking his calls or text mess. after a month I am doing good going out with my friends again and family going out having fun and talking about all he put me through. that has seemed to work the best for me to get through my pain. i always though I had to hide everything and not talk about it. Now i dont hide how I feel about what he done. But now he is tyring to contact me again. hes been coming by my work and my house telling me I cant stop him from loving me and there is and always will be just 1 person in his heart for the rest of his life. He is trying to be there for his kids and his wife but i just dont understand why he wont leave me alone. i loved him enough to let him go and make his decision for him so why wont he just go on and be serious about his life. He doesnt relize how hard it is on me to keep being strong and standing my ground with him. I know he doesnt love his wife or her him but he does it for the kids but then he needs to stay away or move on by hisself untill he can get his head clear and start making the right choices and desions. Any advise on how to make him go away and move on or should I stand by him again. Man he is ripping me apart all over again. Help!!!

4:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been dating with my married boss for 5 mos now. We had an ON and OFF relationship, we ended the relationship many times already until his wife knew about us through our text messages. His wife called me up and asked me about us, I denied everything. I thought that was the end of me, but my boss still keep on comforting me telling me how sorry he was for everything that happened. I have deeply falling in-love with my married boss. He was so sweet and romantic. We had a group activity one time and we were so sweet and things between us got back. We then again dated and we have our relationship until the next level. I asked him once, which he will choose me or his wife and he answered bluntly his wife and yet he is not ready to lose me. He has plans for me, for us to be together and I believe him. After the first sex we had, he did not call nor texted me. We were strangers at the office and I again told him to end things between us and what happpened between us were history. He has no answers until now. I just can't leave my job since I already learn to love it. From this moment on, I'm still fighting this feeling and I tell you it is indeed difficult to end things especially if you two sees each other 9hrs a day, 5 times a week and talk more often on work related issues. I'm about to get married and my fiancee is working abroad, I told my boss about this. He haven't talked to me since. My story has not yet ended since this is only the beginning of my agony..

5:21 AM  
Blogger DocDreyfus said...

The fact is that most married men who cheat on their wives will not leave them while they are having an affair. The affair simply makes their current situation with their wives and family more tolerable. The affair adds excitement to their lives. The clandestine nature of the affair is exciting and becomes addictive; there is excitement in pursuing that which is forbidden.

I wonder whether any of you think about the wives of these men? These women could be you. If a man or a woman cheats on one spouse, there is a very good chance he or she will cheat on the next woman or man in their life.

The unmarried person in the affair also can become addicted to the clandestine nature of the relationship. There is a rush in waiting for the next tryst...the next meeting. The affair distracts people from the the own life issues. It becomes like a drug used to stop pain or discomfort. Once the pain stops, there is no need for the drug.

People who live a fulfilling, exciting, and productive life rarely have affairs. Thus, the solution to an affair: explore ways to fulfill your life and withdraw from the affair. Make it clear to your lover that you are no longer available unless and until you see the final divorce papers.

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have been in a relationship with my married boss for five years we have two children together the youngest is only twelve weeks and was seriously ill when he was born i had to go through operations intensive care weeks in hospital on my own i had no support he came to see his son once and why to protect his other children who he has with his wife we are currently apart because i asked him why his children from his marrage desirved a dad and ours did not and his reply was they are more important let this be a warning to anyone thinking getting pregnant to a married man will make him leave his wife i love him more than life but no one tells me my children are second best if you do have children to a married man ask yourself if you want them to feel as worthless as he has made you feel i know its hard i just pray am strong enough to stick to my word

4:07 PM  
Blogger sydisa said...

I've read all your posts and you have all given me courage to leave the married man that has been in my life for EIGHT years. I left him for one year and got engaged to another man but foolishly called off the engagement because he said he was going to get a divorce : that was FOURS years ago. He says he experiencing severe financial problems and a divorce right now would ruin him. I am now 28 and have given him a deadline for next year. However, after reading the posts here I am going to find the courage to end it NOW. It's going to be extremely tough but I have to do this for my own sanity. A little fun has turned into 8yrs of mostly good times but psychological misery.

10:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I meet the most charming man, "All LIES" we were dating for almost 4 months.. Yes, I was falling for him hard and deep "FOR ALL OF HIS LIES".. He came to my house stay weekends with me.. We were going to places together, doing thing together.. But never to his house.. He told me his mother was leaving with him and the she had a drinking problem.. "LIES" One night after 3 days/ 4 nights with me my house phone which never ring at night ring.. I was down stairs in my kitchen, he was up stairs in my room in my bed.. I answer it was his wife.. Yes, his wife who had going crazy looking for him.. looking into his stuff until she finally found my number.. I was in completely shot and still thinking and writting give me this very unpleasant feeling.. We talked for maybe 15 minutes.. I extremely apologize to her and let her know.. I had no idea he was married.. I come up stairs with my phone and give him to him.. "You wife is calling" he turn blue, red and finally totally white peal.. He hang up the phone.. Look at me.. Plz let me explain..( What is there to explain?. is clear easy to understand, The man is a CHEATER, LIER AND DISHONEST NOT TO BE TRUEST)..I said get out of my house now, I was furious!.. he get up get ready and left.. That was the last time I talked to him.. He keep calling textting me.. I had and will never ever answer or reply.. A man who disappear on his wife for days.. Is a man cant be truest.. If you love yourself.. You will never EVER stay in a relationship with a married man.. I know is hard to break it and move away from it if you in love.. BUT AT THE END IT WILL BE LESS PAINFUL AND YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT AND WITH YOURSELF. Good Luck!

4:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just left a relationship with a friend who told me he wanted a divorce, was going to get one, filed and then started dating me. He went back several times for the sake of his kids. We had a full relationship. I met some of his kids etc.. He came to my Dad's funeral etc.. and to the hospital with me. We had friends together. Took trips together. Stayed together. He lost his job and then started to try to work things out with his wife. Go figures. He swore that he wanted a divorce for his own reasons, not to date me. They lie and they always know they can go back.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous docmystar said...

I have been with a MM for 8 years. He claims to love me more than any woman in his life. He claims to have done more 4 me than anyone. The thing is Im 33 with no kids. I want kids so badly. I cant imagine living without him. He sleeps by me every night but leaves at 5 every morning.even on weekends. what do I do?

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I started seeing my husband when he was married and when I was married. Our jobs required us to travel away from home for extended periods; we met each other at one of those times.

The difference was when we both got home, I moved out and immediately filed for divorce, and told him I wouldn't see him again until he moved out and filed for divorce.

We are now married although we had to go through a lot of emotional pain to get there.

I really don't know how women "date" their married men when they live at home with their kids. I don't know how that works out, but I would imagine that it doesn't.

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the key to "living happily ever after" is running away from an adulterous relationship and moving on....its hard at first but eventually you will recover.... do it fast, do it now!!!

9:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After I have read through the all the comments, I realized that I am not alone and some other situation are much more severe than mine. My story is silly--dump--fast--dry. I met this married man at the club one night and I was by myslef(my husband is away). He asked for my contact info and I gave him (Big mistake). If you ever doubt if it is the right thing to do, don't do it! He e-mailed me the next day and as soon as he got my phone number, we texted like crazy until our first sex which was the next day. I felt really connected to him, felt get along somehow. After the first sex, he disappear the whole day without texting me. The next evenning he text me say "Don't think I forgot all about you" He knew I was waiting for him. It made me exited and the sex was outstanding! We talked over the past month, and he told me how he wants me so badly, how him and his wife has no sexual chemistres, how he loves my body and I am so sexy, how he dreams about me, fatacize about me. We had sex again the second time. I felt really depressed this time with all the guit and I know this is really wrong. Better yet, I know all he wants is sex. He treated me like an UNPAID Whore! Comes over when he wants it. He never even took me out on a date. He said "he is getting a divorce" but has to be separated for a certain period of time to file a paper in this state. Same old story! Oh, he also said that he got married only becasue he got her pragnant. Does that sounds familair? I stoped contacted him but I could do it for about a week( while he texted me everyday said he was worry about me, missed me, blah blah!!) We had sex again the third time after that, this time was different, sex was not that great anymore but it was still good. I made sure that he had a condom on whenever we had an intercorse but this time he took it off at the end and he came inside me. What the F! I thought. He even tried to blame me for not stopping him. At that point, I realized how selfish he was and started to think of the way to getting myself out of this situation. One day I told him "I am pragnant"(I lied) and that stopped him from contacting me. I still hope to see him one more time to tell him that I can not do this any longer but I think it is better if I don't see him ever again. I have been hurting for the past 5 days for a married man that I have known for a month for not being able to talk to him. Until today I found this website and it opened up my eyes. This is nothing compare to many other stories. All I have to say is Ladies, the situations you are in is hard but it is never too late to start over, to love yourself. If you don't love yourself by quiting this today, noone will.

10:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been seeing a married man for two years now. And I've been through hell and back with him. I've felt worthless, angry, and so much pain in my heart. I love him so much, we haved cried together about our situation and still nothing comes out of this. I know deep in his heart that he loves his wife of 29 years, but I still hope and make the illusion that one day we would be together. We broke up, and I just want to move on with my life and find someone that really loves me and cares for me. He always tells me that he's almost there, but I know for a fact that it was all lies. I wish I wouldve never met him. He ruined every single bit of confidence I had for myself. I gave him two years to get divorced,and still nothing. He says that he can't leave just yet because of his cerebral palsy daughter. His wife is a born again Christian. She suspects things are going on but she has no proof. I hate him and love him at the same time. I am depressed over this, and sometimes feel like telling his wife. Everytime I see a happy couple I get jelous and cry inside of me, when I see a wedding pictures or shows I cry, when I see a women with a nice wedding band on I feel this sense of worthlessness and depression. I have never cried so much in my life, I feel empty and lonely. So many promises that he made, and never accomplished anything. I gave him until Feb,2009 to get divorced and nothing absolutley nothing not even a phone call to a lawyer or anything has been made. And the sad part is that an only 19 years old, and I got myself involved in his huge mess! Sometimes I hate myself for being this way. But I know that I can move on, am so young and I have my whole life ahead of me, and he's 51 yrs old. Stupid mistakes that people make. I really hope that he finds his happiness but he's just a misrable person and he will never find A secure stable life because that's just the way he is.

7:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have posted my story once before about the guy I met at the club. I just want to tell you all how great it is great to quit a married man. As of today it has been almost a month since I stopped talking to this man and thank god! my "pragnant trick" works! I know now that If I want I can just go out and pick up any guys from the club but I know better that that is not what good girls do and I have learn my lesson not to do that again. I feel free and see my future clearer now, better yet I know that I will meet a lot more people through out this life. Someday Mr. right who really loves me and only loves me will find me. Another thing I have discovered is knowledge is freedom. Don't let this emotional thing getting in your way to the future. Set a goal in life for yourself and walk towards it confidently. Don't try to find someone despretly, Mr. right will find you.

8:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am involved with a married man for over a year now. Love, passion, commitment, assurance of feelings, making time for oeach other, phone calls, text msgs, emails.... U name, we did! his wife of 26 years found out about the relationship by reading his emails, checking his cell phone. She knows me in person, has called me couple of times (he supposedly didn't know about her intetion to do so), but never actually talked to me about the situation. Last three months were excrutiatig painful, my lover diagnosed with prostate cancer very malingant form. Was going through the anguish of unnknown, will he be ok, will he make it, what is going to happen to us. Weeks before surgery, although very careful, but we made all possible to meet, be intimate, give each other strenght and support. My love for him goes beyond reason and common sense. I am hooked! He went for surgery this week, made it fine, went home next day. Sent me email, saying that he is doing ok, not to worry about him, final path report out on Thursday. Well, today is Thursday. Got one text message from him. DON'T ANWSER MY PHONE IF CALLER ID SHOWED HIS NUMBER AND NOT TO CONTACT HIM FOR NOW! It cut like a knife. Few hours passed, put myself togheter and sent him just one short IM.
I am so done with him! Don't get me wrong, IT HURTS!!! very much indeed, but my pride has been wounded and won't let any jerk walk all over me. HE DOES NOT DESERVE ME! THIS EMOTIONAL ACROBATIC SPLIT, TRIANGLE, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT IS DRAGGING ME DOWN. He is leading great life with his wife of 26 years, is just bored and wanted some excitement. He fed me lies, told me that he loved me, told me I am his 'missing piece', that I am his perfect match, that HE CAN'T LIVE WITH ME OR WITHOUT ME, that I excite him to no end, that he never thought possible to feel about any woman this way... blah, blah, blah.
I was warned by my friends not to geet involved with a married man, EVER! but thought (like all of us) that my case will be different. IT RARELY IS!!!
I just wanted to went tonight. Wanted to get it off my chest. Tomorrow need to start fresh and start thiking about ways to forget him. Won't be easy since we work together, but hey, everything is a process. This one is just more complicated than the others. WISH ME LUCK!

8:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am seeing a married man few months ago. The first time i met him we were both 16 years old. We went to a trip together with the family. I was too young that time and didn't even give him a chance to keep contact with me because i wanted to study and i was so sick of boys.

ITs a long story to tell but one thing i am sure is that it's complicated and yeahthe feeling is there but how many people can be so brave to let go what they have now? for example he is married and have kids and i sometimes think yeah married men can give u so much love and they know what they want. maybe they r really in love with you...just like what i feel. but when u want to see him and want to dine with him and holding hands together to walk on the street, when you are not felling well he is not with you. what a woman want?

I dont know what i am talking about i am so confuse now and i think i need to get away from all this shit. IT;s not that i dont and cant feel the love but i seriously dont think i can share a man with another woman and since they are guys here i can choose and very nice to me.

so, now... take some time. if he really loves you he will leave his wife.

I hate WEAk men.

bah!@!!

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i met this older man and i fell in love with him. he says he loves me, and while i dont believe it, i really want to. he is married and has been for a long time. im sure he loves his wife and will never leave her. i think somewhere inside we all know that we cant compete with all that history and the financial attachments, but somehow we go on loving, dreaming, lying to ourselves. i dont know why i cant find someone who will really love me. i am lonely, longing for a real connexion. i think of his wife, her pain if she were to know and i hate myself. sometimes i dont want to live anymore, a slave to this strange fantasy. i wonder sometimes if this man knew how much he is hurting me, his wife, how much i hurt myself, his wife. i am so lonely, but i know my lonliness is not justification for my interference in a marriage.

7:28 PM  
Anonymous Ellenor said...

ok,,, no justification in interfering marriage...but its already a fact that ur there,,,and u accepted that he wont leave his wife for you and you believe he will never leave you too...but the reality is, he do really loves both of you if he will never find another girl again...if he does, u decide, coz u can feel the reality..

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading all the comments..I could say that I'm afraid I will be heading that way..but somethings I just CANT help and I really hate myself for that! I've been so ashamed to even talk to anyone about this complicated issue fearing of what people, friends and family would think of me so I've kept it to myself for past 5 months and it's killing me inside..I never eva imagined in my life that I would get caught up in this messy situation because I noe i'm not that type of person.. ESP stealing a lady's man!
I broke up with my 6yr boyfriend to get myself out of a bad relationship, and took the opportunity to meet the "great" guy. He wasn't married and was "single" he claimed, So things started up between us and little did I know that all the events would occur with his now 7yr lady within 5 months...He was single for 1st 2mths, he then GOT back with his gf, knocked her up by accident after 2mths and is NOW married to her. He says to me now that If it wasn't for the baby, he wouldn't marry her and would have left her for me cos be4 the knock-up he only intended on engaging to her. I was so hurt da first time after he told me he got back with her but then the pain went away and WHO knows why i continued with him as I only liked him then..now i love him..and found out that he loves me too AND HER (not in-love)! when I almost called it quits again, And 2day I'm STILL around! I'm hurting inside EVERYDAY and crying sometimes at night, wondering why me?
My heart tells me to give it one last go and hope that he falls in love with me within nex 6mths or so and give time for HER to give birth..and who noes what I will be doing from there..probably broken hearted after the child is born as he may suddenly change his mind and decides to be a devoted father! Someone PLEASE tell me...Could I be the rare person to win him in the end? or broken hearted for the third time? Could my situation have a different turn or ending to all others? :~(

11:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know that is very hard for all of you ladies because i am in the same situation. I am 24 years old, and I am dating this 40years, he is married to this women for 15 years and have 2 kids. Whe met at my old job and he claims he loves me more than everything in this world except his children. Before i moved by myself a month ago ,he went to my house and ask my mom to move with me to an appartment. yes my mom didnt know about him being married and have two kids but still say no to him. @ the time the wife kick him out for the 2nd time because she find out about me again that he was still seing me. Now i moved by myself he lived with me the first 2 weeks when i moved and leave again because his cell phone got cut off and there was no way to communicate with his kids he said, that he had to go back to the house so he can be with the kids. then his wife told him if he does not break up with me she will make sure he never see the kids again, so the wife make him call me in front of her to told to me that it was over. But the next day when he went to work he call me to told me he is so sorry that he doesnt want to break up with me for will, he had to do that so he can still see the kids. To be honest, he does everything for me cook for me do my laundry before he goes to work. he wil tell his wife that he goes to work but he stay with me. the family phone plan he has for them is cut off but it took an other line so he can always talk to me. He will bring flowers at work just because is sunday, or mail me toughtfull cards at home. he keep telling me the reason he cannot just leave them totally its because the wife is emmotionally unstable and when the kids see her sad they hate him, I dont know what to do . I drive his car sometimes, we go out all the time we always celebrate our aaniversairy every month, now we are together for 1 year and 2months. i love him so much.An do think he loves me too, because the firs time when his wife kick him out and ask him to choose between her and me he choosed me. and the second time also.Now that the wife his using the kids to get his attention, he doesnt want to break his chidren heart. I feel like i am stuck and i don t know what to do. I stop praying and go to church since i am with him. He keep teling me to be patient. the wife call me so many times and everytime she always get upset more because she doesnt like how i answer her. she change her phone number recently because she think i call the house even though that i dont.Everytime someone call her house private she think its me.he makes me feel special the way he will expressed him self to me. the way he will tell me he loves me 100 times a day. he will not start working if i dont give him a kiss before i hang up the phone. he is very jealous when he comes to other men looking at me.So many times he will talk to me about our wedding , where he will want to get marrried with me. what do i suppose to do , i know most people willl say to run. But what about there is a posibility where we can hand up together at the end..Please dont judge me . Because 1 year and 2 months ago if you did ask me my opinion about something like that i will judge you . Now its happening to me and i am speechless. depressed at time. Cry all the time. It is sad an Painfull.

11:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too have been with a MM for going on 4 years. He has never made any promises to me. Wants to stay with the wife and has two kids.

I knew I would always get out of it, just never realized it would go on this long. I am learning i must have low self-esteem, which I don't know why I do everyone says I'm cute, and a good catch cause I don't have children (couldn't have but wanted them).

So I stumbled on this site and you all have given me hope and strength to break it off. Which I am doing so I can start the New Year off fresh.

God Bless all of you stuck in this horrible situation where they get their cake and eat it too! And us... we are left alone with a heart of resentments and sadness.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was with a MM for 4 months. I am now going through the break up and it is very hard. It took me 3 tries to quit. First, I sent him an e-mail telling him that this needed to end. He simply ignored that e-mail completly and keeping on talking to me. Second time, I told him in person at his house that I wanted this to end and we had sex for the last time(supposedly). He said one word "no" and then proceeded to have sex. I thought it was over that time but we somehow we got in touch again. The third time, I wrote him a goodbye letter and gave it to him in person. I wanted to test myself if I still had any feeling for him. So, I told him to come to my place, we ended up having sex again. And that how I found out that I could not control myself around him and that I felt for him. He said he was so sorry but he needed to respect my dicision. I just found out that he was only using me for sex. Now that I have time to think for myself, I have been thinking about everything that happend between us was only to satisfy his needs. He had never really cared about me, let alone the thought of leaving his wife and kid for me. He said that he was single and about to file for a divoce when we met. He also said that he was not in love with his wife anymore and only staying for his kid and that he only married her because he got her pragnant.
I prey for him everyday to stop using women but I doubt if he will. That is just what he is a "predator". I know I am going to get over this, everyday it is getting easier and easier. I wish for all the women in a similar situation to have strength you need to get out of this and live the life that you are proud of.
"The pain of saying goodbye is short live but the pain of staying in the relationship will last forever"
Good luck!

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm both sad and happy to hear about your experiences here. Sad because I know your pain and happy that I am not alone. I am not like many of you; in the respect of having an on going affair. I had a brief encounter that is ripping my heart a part.

Last week, I was at a convention for work, and ran into a co-worker I had met before but never really talked to much. We just really hit it off. I was incredibly attracted to this man. He was very sweet and he's not a player at all. He's just a man who's been married for 15 years. I've been married for 10. He and I just clicked in an amazing way. We ended up back in my room kissing with this amazing passion and emotional bond between us that really just stirred my soul. We did not have sex, but we came about as close as you can get. He ended up leaving, as it was clear that if he didn't we'd both be naked. Additionally had a room mate in his hotel room and we didn't want anyone to know, of course. I woke up the next morning in shock, wondering if it was a dream, until I saw the evidence of the night before around the room. I saw him in our meetings the next two days and we spent time together but we were always in large groups. We never really had an opportunity to be alone or talk again. I am back home and now 3 hours from this man and I'm heartsick.

I wrote him an email that I thought I would post here because I can't send it to him. Here it is:

This is the email I will never send you. I can't contact you and it's killing me inside. I know you don't want to hear from me and even if you did, I know it's wrong. I know that my desire to talk to you, to see you, to be with you, will only lead to pain. I know it's selfish and I am not thinking enough about my kids or yours or my husband or your wife. I know you want to leave that night we spent together, behind you, in Orlando and I understand. It's just I can't stop thinking of you and your touch. I try to remember your face, you lips, your eyes, your kiss. I've been crying since I woke up Friday in my hotel room. I have been over whelmed by out brief time together and I don't know what to do with my emotions. I can't even understand what or why I feel this way. I wonder what you think. Do you think badly of me now? I can't believe you would but I still wonder. Do you think of me at all? Do you wish you could see me again but just know it's a bad idea and could harm your marriage? Do you never want to see me again? Do you regret? I just wish you would call me once and tell me.



I know I will get over this. One day. Some day. Maybe my husband will be appealing again sometime soon too. In the meantime I feel like I am breaking inside.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in love too with a married man. We had phone sex the other day when he was away for business. We never did do it and said that he don't want to cheat with his wife but I can't stop thinking about him... I always feel physical pain everyime I think of him as I know that I can't have him. Worst, I have a boyfriend/fiancee and my feelings for him are slowly drifting... I want to get rid of him out of my head and thinking of leaving my job where I see him all the time.

I never imagined this will happen to me... How could I possibly be in love with him in a short space of time? We only even had 30 minutes drink and just text/e-mails...

I don't know what to do?

8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been involved with a MM for just over a year. He has been married for over 30 years and several years ago his wife decided to start spending a lot of time on another continent to the point where she is gone for 10 months of the year. When we first started our relationship it was as if he was separated. He lived alone and we dated as if he was single. He had and never has had any concerns about us being seen in public together. All along in our relationship he has said he is going to "fix things" so we can be together. At first his excuse whas "how can you leave someone when they are never here?", suggesting that to do a break-up, it would have to be an in-person conversation. I could understand that and saw this as being a respectful way to end things, so I lived with this explanation for a while. My MM singed a lease for an apartment and furnished it, saying it was in preparation for his departure form the marriage. Since he rented and set up the apartment his wife returned spend the next six months back at the homestead - for work related reasons I'm told. Three months into his lease, he hasn't made a move. He work requires him to travel an incredible amount - a habit he said he acquired as an escape, claiming that since he has met me he has lost interest in travelling.

Since his wife has been back, he seems to have increased his travel - I think this is in an effort to avoid the reality of his life back home and the complicated situation he has gotten himself into by starting a second relationship with me.

He tells me that he suspects that his wife would not be at all surprised when he tells her he is leaving the marriage. His most recent excuse for delaying now is that he is concerned about how his son will react to the news. His son is 28 years old.

I have no doubt that he loves me and cares about me. I also realize he is paralyzed in taking the next step and so keeps postponing telling his wife he is leaving.

This man is not a player. He is a kind and generous and overall, a very good man. He has just got himself caught in a second relationship without ending the one that isn't working.

I care deeply for him, but as the days go by, I realize that my love for him is slowly eroding. I can't judge whether his reasons are valid or not as they are his reasons, nor can I determine what his timeline should be. All I know is that he is not showing up as he said he would by not doing what he said he would and over time, this kind of behaviour damages the core of love. I suspect that he is feeling as much pain as I am as he faces the hard steps he has to take.

All I can do is base my decision on is whether or not the relationship I am in is working for me and meeting my needs. In the beginning it was. Now it's not. When relationships go sideways and we are filled with grief, it is more about the sense of loss over what could have been rather than what is.

I am now at a point where I have come to accept that this relationship has no future. I am sad when I think about what would have been possible. But I am looking forward to leaving behind the continual pain this relationship has caused me and moving on to a future of other possiblities, recognizing I might spend the rest of my life alone.

I would echo the advice of others. As painful as it might seem, end your relationship with your MM - almost all of the time situations like this have no future - unless you want to have a future of just hoping for and never fully experiencing a true committed relationship.

9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well ladies, i feel your pain. Ive been with a married man for 4 years,we worked together for 10. I decided last year I couldn't take the pain anymore & left my job where I had many close friends. I tried to stay away from him, but it's so hard. So now he has his cake @ home, still works with all of my friends and i'm still suffering-trying to keep my distance from him. I never thought this could happen to me.

12:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about this? How about you stop think "oh I love him" "oh it's so hard to leave"

How about instead of brooding you get up off your tissue box and start packing. You can't pack and leave, since you don't live with him, but you can do all the actions that you would do if you did live together. Pack everything that reminds you of him. Then drop it off at goodwill or the dump, it doesn't matter. Just get rid of anything he gave you or anything that reminds you of him.

Just stop. Today. Stop.

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you everyone for posting your stories. It's good to know that I am not alone. The knowledge that I gained from reading this website and others have given me insight into what's happening in my life. I feel empowered. I realised that it's up to me to change the situation, to leave an MM and stop this pain. I have found new strength by learning from my own and others' experience. It's never too late to start making a good life for ourselves.

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AHHH GOD. Im there! it hasnt been long, few monthes. When it started, he just wanted to have a quick affair, like he always does; and i was just having fun and didnt think it'll go anywhere, not even sex. BUT, what actualy happened is he fell in love with b/c he had to chase me, he felt like im the only girl he couldnt get. emotionally/phyically/sexually.. and i got a bit attached to him. Now, i already feel like shit. Im not thinking with my heart, coz when i think about it, okey he loves me, but he used to love his wife aloottt one day, and he did the impossible to get married to her. So, how an i guarantee that he wont do the same if he ever left his wife for me (which he mite do very soon, nt b/c of me but they've already had problems befor i ever existed). And what if he never left his wife!
God, think of yourself before thinking about him! he's married, if he's gonna leave his wife for you then make it clear to him that it's either you or her, and you'll no longer exist in his life as long as he's a MARRIED man.
and think again about the possibilities of your relationship actually working out if you guys ever got married yourself! Can you trust him? What if he turned out to be a completely different guy and you realize that his wife was right about not taking care of him or wtever!!
AHH THINK!! WAT ARE THE FUCKING POSSIBILITIES! bt yu never know, there's always exceptions in any rule!
GOOD LUCK!

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IS THAT MAN A EX NBA PLAYER.....CUZ IT SURE SOUNDS LIKE IT AND THE SAME THANG HAS BEEN TOLD TO ME THE DIFFERENCE IS I NEVER EXPECTED HIM TO LEAVE HIS WIFE

12:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A married friend of a friend, whom I met at a party, started sending me emails that were very flirty. Although he's a really attractive guy, I quashed it right away by sending back a no-nonsense email telling him that I would never get involved with someone in a committed relationship.

It's tough when you've been single and alone for a while, because compliments and flirting can be flattering and make you feel desired, but I've dealt with enough confusion and heartbreak in my dating life to waste time on a cheater.

12:23 PM  
Blogger karen said...

these men DONT love there WIVES or YOU they love them SELFS.... its that simple

2:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being in love with a married man is quite complicated. Even though you know it is wrong, your heart takes over and soon you can not help yourself. You spend hours, days and even years telling yourself one day it will all work out and it will all be worth it. The reality is what you want, you cannot have--ever! it is not yours to have, never was. You were in love with a fantasy man. You made him what you wanted him to be. You heard what you wanted to hear. Being lonely was not an option, even though you really were...a lot! Take time out to stop and look at what you don't have, a man of your own to love you all of the time, 24/7 no matter what.
Change your life. It is your life and you only have one life to live.

10:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in love with a married man who I have been with for FOUR years. I am also married and have been married for FIFTEEN years. I have two-year old twins with my married lover and confessed to my husband that I had been unfaithful and the twins are my married lover's. My husband loves and accept the twins as his own. He is a good man but I am not in love with him.

My married lover has been married for four years. Three months after he got married to his wife, he started an affair with me. It was love at first sight. We are soulmates and best friends and share almost everything in common. We spend a lot of time together during the day. He has a second cellphone just to contact me. He visits the twins regularly and provides limited financial support for them.

But I have decided I must leave him for my own sanity and self-esteem. He has made it clear that he could never marry me because his family will never accept me because of my race. His wife is emotionally abusive towards him, spraying him with bleach, cursing and yelling at him and controlling his every waking moment by incessantly calling him several times a day. They do not have any children together and she has told him she does not want children.

I have to leave him because I think he is still in love with his wife. He lied to me last year and took her to Punta Cana on vacation. I only found out they were there when I checked her Facebook page. He told me they were going to Florida.

He slips up and says that he should get even with his wife by messing with her birth control pills. So that is an admission that they regularly have sex. Although he says to me they only have sex twice a month.

He will deliberately withhold his orgasms so he can be ready in case his wife wants sex.

He has worn me down to the point where I have to take anti-depressants. I am a successful lawyer with a great life and I feel as though I have nothing because of him. He says he loves me but his relationship with his wife leads me to believe otherwise. For instance, they planned a weekend together to go to Annapolis. Does that sound like a man who is not in love with his wife?

These men are big liars. They use their mistresses to make their bad marriages more tolerable. In effect we are enabling them to continue their marriage.

I can't understand and can't believe that he would choose this woman over his two beautiful daughters and his best friend and soul mate.

I know I am stupid. I do everything for him from cooking for him, listening to his work woes, helping him with his cases, and giving him any type of sex he desires.

I have to leave him because he told me that he wishes the circumstances were different and I never got pregnant with the twins. He said he is around because he feels a sense of obligation. Then out of the same breath he says he loves me.

We have broken up so many times I can't count. But this time I blocked all his numbers from my cellphone and home phone number. I even had my job block his email address.

The last straw was when I looked at his Facebook page and noticed he removed the individual photograph of himself and put a lovely photograph of him and his wife looking very happy at a social function. He was wearing the $250 tie I bought him for Father's Day.

It is very very painful but I need to move on. I will probably have to return to seeing my psychologist to get through this. I love him with all my heart. He is the passion and happiness in my life. I can't imagine my sad, dull life without him but the pain he causes me has to stop.

I hope this is helpful for someone out there. Many of the passages I read this evening helped me a lot.

Good luck to you.

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Sez86 said...

I am proud of myself that I finally let go of my MM. I weep to myself wondering "why" many nights before i sleep.

Towards the end of the relationship, strenth had built by constant thoughts and pain of knowing I could never have him under the circumstances of his wife being pregnant, so no matter how long i waited, nothing was gonna change and I would keep hitting a dead end.
Days pass on and now it's been more than a month since I last saw him and I was happy every day keeping myself occupied with work and everything else, only at night did I cry for him secretly for the first few weeks, and my heart was letting him go, BUT he called me by surprise a week ago and mentioned that his wife gave birth and that he was hoping we could catch up for coffee, and I said "NO". After the call, my feelings and thoughts of him came through again, and it made me really angry, as i was getting on with my life and moving on so well..so I decided to block his numbers instead of just deleting it.

Bottom line is ladies,

The only way to know if you both were meant to be, is to let him go and for him to continue living his life and living your own, and if you both meet again some day, hopefully it will be in a better time and place.

It is "NORMAL" for us to feel pain and to miss them after you break up with them, like every relationship...
but you will never be happy being WITH them LIKE THAT EITHER, so which is better? live the pain with them or without them? which pain lasts longer? either way we can't win. Oone relationship may end, but a beautiful and more fulfilling will come through eventually.

If he became an ex MM and you dated him later on, you won't be able to trust him (means increase insecurity) and the relationship won't usually work..so these MM lack one of the MAIN IMPORTANT things for a marriage or relationship to work well....so why should HE be WORTH being with in the FIRST PLace!!!!!

You don't always have to be with the person you love, if it were for the WRONG reasons.
Be with someone you love for the RIGHT reasons.

These things and my own thoughts have helped me through every day without him in my life.
Thus, I hope these will help in your situation, because I know it's really hard...
Your happiness is WHAT YOU CREATE 4yourself and you control it in your own hands!! Noone CREATES it for you!

To myself i think:
"IF HE LOVES ME and NEEDS me in HIS life.. HE WILL DO ANYTHING TO BE WITH ME.....AND ONLY ME! AND IF he felt that way before everything eventuated, he would have been with me and noone else"

Learn from it, and build strength from the pain you feel, and knowing that you have to stress about the situation constantly!

So please, do it for your own sakes and for your own Happiness..
BEing with a MM will/is like having a knife cut through u deeply, and if you let it continue, you will die or it will leave a scar.

BUt letting them go will be like a knife that just cut you deep enough and since you stop it, it will heal a lil quicker.

REmember to keep yourselves Occupied!

Good Luck!!



Sarah

11:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I CANNOT SAY ANYTHING ELSE THAN "THANK YOU". You all guys have opened my eyes and save me from an abyss I could be in if I just don't end what has not really started yet (a MM and I are just in the kissing stage and the sex is about to come at any minute). So, THANK YOU!! I just realized that I have a low self-esteem problem. For some reason that I don't know, I usually fall for married guys. I idealize them... I am married, but already getting out, since it has never worked. So, I may be using that MM to try to "heal" myself, when, in reality, what I am doing is once again underestimating myself as a woman... So, I guess this is something I would have to bring up to my brand new therapist.... I feel very sad for all the people that have posted their stories. I am sure, none of you deserve a living hell like that disguised like a paradise. Loneliness is a terrible thing when instead of facing it, you just avoid it and end up cheating on yourself (this is my case)...Because of my loneliness, I end up getting hooked on MR. WRONG...when the truth is that there is ALWAYS the chance to do better, TO LIVE BETTER, if you happen to be on the right track... And, where is such right track?? how do we find it??.. The answer is: INSIDE OF OURSELVES....So, finally, my humble contribution to this forum is my very personal reflection, which I hope can be of help to all/any of you, which is: THE ONLY WAY TO HELP YOURSELF, IS TO TRULY KNOW YOURSELF...

2:18 AM  
Blogger coral708 said...

I think I have a self esteem problem, in fact I am sure I have one. I attend college and last fall I had a teacher's assistant who was married. I got very attached to him, and by the end of the semester it got to the point where I knew I was going to feel a loss if I never saw him again. At the same time it hurt because it was clear his heart was taken and while he was fond of me and had feelings for me I will never have the relationship I want to have with him. It was definitely a life at the end of the semester because both of us wanted to have a sexual relationship but couldn't for obvious reasons and is genuinely a good guy. What I am conflicted about it is it still hard to know that I am never going to see him again. Today I have had the urge to get in touch with him and ask if we could hang out as friends with his wife there. I don't want to spend time with him with his wife there. I want there not to be a wife in the picture at all. I get angry when I think that she gets to have all of him while I have nothing. I would love to meet a single guy I can have that kind of relationship with, but I haven't meet anyone else. I just get lonely and sometimes feel like I don't know how much longer I can take having this attraction and these feelings for this unavailable man.

2:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like all of you fell in love with a married man. I too was married and had been for 14 years with three children. He had been married for 18 years with two. My husband found out the very first time we were together. He said he just knew because I was happy. We got divorced. I continued to stay with the married man as he asked me to be patient with with him for a year. His wife then found out and according to him she asked him for another chance.For the next year he would come and go and tell me how much he missed me and loved me. There would be hugs, tears, and kisses shared but nothing more physical than that. I was broken in a million pieces. He went to all of my friends telling them that he has never loved anyone the way he loved me but he has to do this for his boys. In the last five months we have been intimate twice, lots of conversations, hugs and kisses. He even one day came to me and said he is not sure that maybe we are meant to be together, that everything comes back to me. I recently had my last conversation with him that I was willing to discuss us. He is never leaving her and I definitely confronted him with all of the truth as I see it. I also explained what I have gone through all this time and I will not give up my life any longer for him. I told him I need a man in my life who will always be there for me. I should have finished school by now but because of the emotional roller-coaster this relationship has had me on, I haven't. I will never know what was the whole truth in all of this. He lied to me and he has lied to her. When there are secrets there are lies. I miss him every day of my life and I will probably always love him. Right now I have to work in the same building with him. When I see him I say hello and because he is a physician I do have to maintain a professional relationship. He usually tells me in the conversaion how nice I look and he always asks how I am. The thing is I remind myself not to loose my head in what he is saying because he will never be the man I need him to be for me. I am in school and I have six semesters to go and then I am leaving and I will not look back. This has taken away two and a half years of my life. All of the things he was attracted to when he met me, I lost... my confidence, my drive, my integrity. So I am choosing to love myself and get back the woman I once was so I can move on and some day have a man come into my life for all the right reasons. I totally agree that it is like an addiction and you have to take it one day at a time. The pain is awful but you have to keep pushing forward!
I wish all of you the very best! May you all break free and find the love that God has waitiing for you in a man that is free to love you.

4:11 PM  
Blogger Monica said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh God i really cant believe i'm doing this, like i'm also in the category of "other woman" that i have never ever shared it to anyone for fear of losing my trust and bonding with my family. But i feel so relieved today that i can at least share it with someone. I am in an on/off relationship with MM who was also a first love of my life. Then one day i heard the news of a natural disaster that he was involved in and thought of contacting to just knowing how he was, that's it but didnt really know it would be trapped again, since before too he left me for another woman and then finally got married with someone else (not the same one). Though we arent that involved in each other's lives as i belong to a very conservative family and cant go out late nights or stuff like that, so nothing really big but i'm very much attached to him emotionally and mentally. And i blame myself for all this as i'm the one who created all this for me, wish i would have stopped right there. But i must say he is actually the one i would like to be with my whole life. He has never made any promises to me for leaving his wife or child but still we were going through, dont know why. But i'm sure after reading all this, i have got the strength to end this FOR EVER, but one thing i'm scared of is relapse. Lets hope....

11:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had to view in on this discussion...im 21 and im currently dating a 37 year old married man. He's been married for 3 years and we've been together for 1. I met him on my job, and it was just suppose to be a secret dating thing..but we ended up falling in love with eachother and everybody has found out. His wife doesnt know for sure, but she has an idea that he's doing something cause his behavior has changed. At first when he told me he was falling in love with me i called him liars all the time because of the marriage situation and our age difference. But now i have came to see that he's serious. He admits to me that he loves his wife and dont want to leave her, but he dont want me to leave him. I tried numerous of times to just be friends, but he wont allow it. He will go after any guy that says something to me, we go out alot, ive been to his home, drove his cars, met family and friends, and he's even bought me my own ring to symbolize that im his wife also. We argue alot because i want him to be with me only and it cant be that way. The question i got to anyone who reads this is should i stick around or go on with my life? Im confused because he wants to stay with his wife, but we have unprotected sex because he want a baby from me, and thats going to cause him to loose her. He supports me while im going to school, and he evens sits on the phone with me while his wife is home. We edit what we speak about if she's present though. He says im the one he really want to be with, but we met at the wrong time, and if he had met me first..i would be his wife. When i ask him do he think hes ever going to be with me and only me, his says yes, but he dont know when. Can someone please give me a lil advice on this situation..if you respond, respond to this saying @IMHIS10

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

@IMHIS10: I'm not a counselor, but my advice is END THINGS NOW! I have been in a similar situation, and believe me I have sympathy for you and understand how you feel. The way I see it, he is telling you want to hear, and is becoming inexcusably selfish. He is also considerably older and more experienced, which gives him a certain amount of power in the situation. All I can suggest is DON'T have kids with this man hoping it will make him leave his wife and be with only you. Not unless you want to risk raising the child on your own. (I say this is the nicest possible way and for your own good). I fell for a married man, and he fell for me, and it's one of the hardest things I've been through. I had to move on because it probably would have only made things worse if I didn't.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im emotionally drained after reading this. I was hoping to see a scenerio that matched mine but I didnt.

Im not married, he is....she is viscious and I dont say this because of my relationship with him. I have known her for years and every one knows her thinks just the same.

We are best friends and have a great time together doing nothing. But we are amazing together intimately and have no intentions of stopping our relationship.

BUT.....it starting to hurt when we are not together. I would even share if she would allow it. But sharing means my time is mine and hers is hers. And it doesnt have to be 50/50. He is an amazing father and loves his children. She wants the divorce but on her terms and he wont loose his kids so he stays. I wish he could work it out and be happy but even without me, its inevidtable.

That all may be a bunch of crap but honstly I dont want him to leave her. I LOVE what we have just wish we didnt have to sneak and the guilt is killing us.

What now?

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have found great solace reading everyone's stories...despite how much pain everyone seems to go through in this situation. I recently found myself in the same situation. I did the right thing by ending things after 3 months (no sex), but it made me realize that there was no future in this relationship. There are a few things that bother me about all these situations.....we, as women, put up with a lot of crap. Some of you for YEARS. These men get away with it....they lie about their intentions....we allow them an escape from their problems rather than forcing them to face their own unhappy marriages. I wasn't willing to do it. For several reasons actually...one, he never said he would leave his wife and children, two, he's extremely high profile and it would ruin his "reputation" in the community. But at the end of the day, this relationship train wrecked my business. I was starting a business on my own....and he was "nice enough" to help me with some funding....but it was just a way of buying me. I lost all desire to work on it because I would rather make time for him. I have been alone a lot more than usual lately because I am working from home so the opportunity to have someone there to make me feel good about myself when I was at a low point was enticing. But, the thought of never being able to "have" him the way a woman should be able to have a man was enough to turn me off. Don't get me wrong...I am miserable...I miss the time I spend with him...I miss being taken care of...but at the end of the day getting my self respect back has been what has helped me re-focus on getting my business back on track. There is never a good reason to get involved with a married man....love or no love....promises or no promises. These men stood in front of God and their friends and promised to be there for their wife and children. We are just play things that allow them to escape what is really wrong in their lives. It's not fair to them to let them not fix their issues with their families...and it's not fair to us to be number 2 ALL the time. For those of you still buying the crap, wake up. It's time to realize that you are a smart, intelligent woman with more to offer than a side relationship that just happens to benefit him more than you. We are empowered women with the choice to change our own lives. These men are never going to do it for us. Stand up for yourself and realize you're worth more than this...regardless of how much he says he loves you.

7:07 PM  
Anonymous catherine said...

reading all these comments makes me realise that at least i'm not alone in this world goin thru hell cos of my 'beautiful' relationship with a married man...i just left him n this time i know it has to be for real...i tried many times before but i always went back n he always accepted me with open arms...how i'm goin to move on from now on, i have no idea...he was my best friend, companion, passionate lover, my all...n though i have loads of friends n a busy life, no-one n nothing comes close to what he gave me...he never talked about leaving his wife, never promised me anything n wen he used to see me down cos of this relationship, he always told me that it hurts him so much n that all he wants is to see me happy..so we've stopped texting about a month ago, just yesterday i msgd him saying i miss him n he replied quite coldly...i know he is missing me too but he wants to help me get out of it..he's a very strong man n was always stronger than me in this relationship...i feel like goin crazy but somehow i have to manage cos goin back is not an option, it will bring all the pain of having to share him back...pls girls n women out there, DO NOT start such relationships, u will end up very very hurt...

sez86, u said it all so perfectly..it seems we r in exactly the same situation, i would love to get into contact with you if you want to..i think it will help us both...

12:28 AM  
Anonymous catherine said...

by the way, i forgot to mention that we were together for 4 years...

12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From experience - it will give you nothing but heartache, sadness, loneliness and guilt. I was involved for 12 years. Yes he left his wife after she found out and made him leave. She was finished with him. That is when it ended for us. He became angry and abusive and I became public enemy number one. Tried to brainwash me into believing I was a horrible person and would not treat him right. He was in complete denial. I believe he had a long history of mistresses (sorry to use that word)and is probably enjoying the freedom to play around all he wants. It is a sad situation to be in - never never put yourself in a situation with a married man. The famale will always be the "only" wrong person - I was wrong, I am sorry. You have to pick yourself up, be true to yourself, and move on.

8:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well....this really is harder to say, but I think I am currently as okay as I am ever going to be that the man I fell for has a wife and it's probably never actually going to happen between us. I think that was the most disappointed I have been my whole life, but I have gotten over it. I know the world does not revolve around me or anyone, and noone gets what they want all the time. It hurt very much, and while it never came to sex or even touching, what I do regret is getting so attached especially emotionally when I knew he was married. I was largely unconsious on my part, and I learned something from it. I try not to be too hard on myself and think it makes me a bad person. I will say I am SO glad it didn't come to sex. I am attending a university and he is a grad student who was a teacher's assistant for one of my classes and it would have been a REALLY bad idea. Honestly, I don't see how it would have stayed a secret considering I think his wife really was getting suspicious even though it never got past the emotional level and the attachment. There were times I felt guilty about even have played that much of a part in it, even though I was in a tough situation, but have mostly been able to let the guilt go. I am not passing judgement on anyone, but learn from the mistakes I and the other women on here have made...DO NOT EVEN START relationships with married men. The relationships make you feel like you are losing yourself and will never be able to have a whole, healthy relationship. You will make yourself sick wondering if it will ever coming to anything and will get very....very hurt.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous Sez86 said...

Hi CAtherine,

aaww..I'm glad to hear that my comment has been acknowledged by someone :) so of course,we could keep in contact, and for anyone else in the same situation that would like to talk. Here's my email swtlilady@hotmail.com

Sez86

2:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I don't know if anyone reads this blog anymore as it seems to have started in 2005 and this is now almost 2010...but finding this blog using a search engine has really meant alot to me as I am in this situation too...I did not know he was M @1st and by a month later it seemed a little too late. 4 months in he did try to leave and had contacted a lawyer to see where he stood as far as his future. Now almost 11 months later he is still there...I have begun to realize that I do want 100percent of someone and feel I deserve that...Walking away has been very hard but I respect myself and seeing my needs are not being met this is what I have to do. I feel alot of negativity from others due to this situation and there has been alot of drama. Now life is more simple and drama free. I know I will meet another person that I can be happy with and that it will happen by accident as you can't look for it...I printed out everyone's comments and it helps me to remember to be strong and true to myself. I do want to choose my own life and happiness and realize I have that control....Thanks again everyone for opening your hearts and stories. And especially thanks to the Doc for his wisdom and experience on this matter. What you have written makes lots of sense and just wanted you to know that it is appreciated!

3:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad I found this site. Um, well currently I am in a relationship with a married man which I swore to myself I would never do. I was one of the wives who was cheated on and it was actually almost destroyed me. I am technically not divorced yet. I have the feeling he is not leaving his wife even though he is says he is and we are in love and all this. I don't know. It is starting to come out in subtle things he says. I just wonder and its not worth the pain for me to go through this. I'm just glad I'm not alone in this decision.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Jessy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ive been seeing a married man for a year now and I can honestly say that Im deeply in loved with him, he wants me to be happy and he knows that the best for the both of us is to end the relationship but for some reason I just cant leave him, he was my first I lost my virginity with him so you can imagine what I feel now, deep down I do know that the best is that we leave things like that but Im just not able to do it, he is much older that me and he has two cute daughters, his wife is a cristian and he told me that his marriage is not doing well I believe him but the issue is that I dont think is fair for me as a 21 year old girl to throw my life away for a 35 year old married man, was in it for me, nothing!!! Just pain and more pain, I just met a single men who seems to be honest and nice, Im trying to give him my heart to let him go once and for all, we'll see how that goes...

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My story is the same as the rest of yours...almost. My MM did leave. I thought I had finally gotten my "happily ever after". Then, less than a week later, he decided he wanted to make things work with her. He has not moved back in yet, but they are trying to rebuild things.

Meanwhile, I still haven't found the strength to walk away. I am still clinging to hope things will change again. I am such a fool. He came over the other night to give me my key and phone back. We ended up in bed and he left with both still in his pocket.

People who know me would never imagine I would end up in this situation. I am a smart (book and common sense), professional woman. I have boundaries and have no fear of telling people when they have crossed them. I am a strong person and very proactive in "creating my own destiny". I faced challenges in my life and overcome everyone of them with willpower and determination.

But when it comes to him, I am completely weak and stupid. I know better. I have to let him go. Yet, I still sit here waiting for his call. Pathetic!

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate, in a way. I only had an online relationship with a married guy. So i figure real life relationships are a lot, lot worse. Nevertheless i had the chance to explore such relationship without getting too hurt. Still i got hurt.
The guy was great, he knew how to lure me, how to seduce me and he did seduce me in a way(we spoke on the phone and cam for over a year). He didnt tell me he was married right away but waited for me to fall for him. And i did fall for him, trust me.
He is very smart, loving and he used to say he was trapped in an emotionally cold relationship. He also said he cared for me, and he loved me and he would love to be with me. He knew my weakness, my need for love, and took advantage of it, but in the end i was just his little whore, his toy(and maybe i even liked being his whore). One of the last time we spoke, after we'd been distant for a while he asked to drop my clothes, suddenly i realized he was just interested in the sex. (i'm sorry, i've had enough abuse in my life!)
His voice was always truthful,full of emotions, so were his tears, yet he lied to me, big time! Maybe married guys are just good for sex and need to be treated like they treat us, like whores. They are very smart, and sometimes we choose to be very stupid, are we addicted to love? Do we miss our dads? Do we want to hurt ourselves? Are we just so emotionally weak that we need to be cheated on? I dont know, aside from labels(co-dependent, anablers) we should love ourselves more and not settle for less than we need. These cheaters are smart asses and immature foolish bastards. If you want to be rid of them just convince yourselves that they lied to you and to their wifes also. Good luck.

5:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i told my married man that i wanted it to be over...it's almost been a year. AND I NEVER wanted it to go this far. when i tell him i want it to end he becomes up and will not let me be. i want it to end before his wife finds out... he will not let it end what do i do? should i tell that wife..maybe that will end it!?

7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am committed to a married man and we are so much inlove...he got separated 5 years ago and his wife has another man...so I guess its fair...He already asked for annulment and his wife agreed...therefore, Its depends on how you really love each other...and live in a normal life...we are just waiting for the decision of his annulment and we are very sure it will be granted...just want to share.

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i dont understand why women date seprated or married men.do u ladies have any values at all.most comments from the other woman state this is bot like me.life check. if u r a secret u r nothing but a mistress.u have no class or respect for marriage or your fellow sisters. if the married man is so unhappy.let him divorce his wife.give him time to heal n start a non problem bond based relationship with you.what u have with a married man is a problem bond.he complains abt his wifey...u listen n comfort n stroke his ego and normally you dont even know the real manmu know the illusion that is created from the nature of the affair.if u r still confused ...scroll back up and listen to the exper or here aresome stats.u only have 2 % chance of surviving if he leaves his wife for you.its just fantasy.not reality.wAke up!! feb 2010

3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

its hard to explain why we women tend to fall for a married man when we know it is dead wrong... i am only 19 and i have fallen for this guy who is amazing but he only uses me. The saddest thing is that I'm OK with that, i have attempted to get away from him but i just cant. Every time i make up my mind I'm gonna end it their i am falling for his tricks. I often question my true motives for this affair, i know he doesn't love me.. i know i don't love him its just lust or honestly i strongly believe i do it for the attention and affection that he gives me. And if he were to leave his wife i for a fact know i wouldnt want him because i would always live with the insecurity of him leaving me for another women

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I have read each and every post in an effort to find the strength to leave the relationship I have been having with a married man for the past 6 years.

To read about so many amazing women being hurt time and again by these pathetic, weak men has strenghtened my resolve to walk away and never look back! He doesn't deserve me or my love. Your married do not deserve you either. Get the hell out because he is never going to change.
I will believe my now ex married boyfriend will leave his wife when he shows up at my door with divorce papers. Until then, it's all words...and talk is cheap ladies. It really is. I'm on to better things in my life. He will no longer hold be back from meeting a man that will love me completely and would do anything for me. We all deserve that! Best of luck to all and may God give you the strength to listen to that voice in your head that is telling you to get out....God Bless. xo

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this site has helped me so much. i have been in a relationship with a married man for a year and a half. i am 23 and he is 33. Reading other comments, i realize that something i thought was so rare is so common. The words "he is my everything" that i read, are the words i say about him. he is/was my everything. my best friend. we shared everything in common. it wasnt about just about sex, but we had a great physical relationship. i told himthat i shouldnt be his best friend,his wife should be. they never fought. they were with each other since they were 17 years old and did everything together. my parents found out and hired a retired FBI agent to follow me (they went to severe extremes) and threated him by saying if he contacted me they would send a "file" with phone records, pictures, etc, to his wifes work, their church, their childrens day care, etc. needless to say we still talked, because he was all i had, i needed him, i was crushed not to mention had everything taken away from me and was treated like a prisoner. i told him i didnt want anything bad to happen. she eventually asked him, i knew she would bc he is not good about hiding what is wrong. she knew,and he told her everything. that 3 1/2 months ago. it would have been easier if she threw him out because then he wouldnt have to make a decision, but she didnt. she even contacted me and i wrote back. she knows that every time i walked away it was him that came back to me. he still says he wants to be with me, and it has been a up and down rollercoster for 2 months. he would tell me that he couldnt contact me bc she would throw him out--yet a week later he wasemailing me telling me how much he missed me. when i finally caved, he wouldtell me he needs me in his life and he will find a way. that was a month ago. it has been up and down so many times in just a month. he toldme yesterday that he cant do it anymore, he hates that he doesnt get to see me and my friends do, but thats all in his hands. he also tried to makeit about me and tell me he wants me to have the life i deserve, and it wouldnt be fair to me.---yet---he still "needs me and wants to be with me" its bullshit. he has crushed me so much. i am scared howveer that when a week goes by, i wont hear from him. i love him so much but he has broken my heart over and over again

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never thought this would happen to me. I looked and read soo many of these posts and feeling so broken and upset with myself. I fell in love with a MM. It's been about 6 months now. At first I didn't know that he was married. But finally he said he was, we were to deep into our relationship. I cried when he left the night I found out. And swore I wouldn't go back to him because of this. I did good for a month, he tried to text me everyday and I had to just ignore it. But of course the loneliness was too strong and I missed him. And I began to be with him once again. He started telling me about his relationship with his wife. He also has one 6 year old boy. I tried to keep it as just a sex thing and he wanted out of his marriage. But I never asked him to leave cause I knew how difficult the situation would be. I didn't want to love him, but I got to know him better. He treated me the way I always wanted in a man. Of course it sucks when he has to leave and I cry myself to sleep at night. And the constant waiting for the certain time he can get in touch with me. Or waiting for his wife to go out of town so we can be together for the week. I hate it and love it at the same time. I know it's wrong and I know the pain in this. But I can't stop seeing him. And I am curious about his wife. But I don't want to know at the same time. He says he loves me and I the same. I don't expect anything to come of this, and when I tell him I don't want him to come over he will bug me till I give in. I want to be with him, but is it possible?? Hes been married for 3 years. Its been half a year we have been together. I don't know how to run from him. I can't. I don't know how I will get through this. I just wish he wasn't married. I told him if he wants out then make it happen. Stop the misery that we are all in. I hate saying this but at this time I don't want out and I'm ok with how things are. But the guilt is still there.

9:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can someone help me with an opinnion? I a married man.Been seen a woman for 4 years,she has lived with her boyfriend since highschool. I left my family for her,i had already told her that i would do it and we were excited.When i did it and asked her to move with me she disappeared.Its been 3 months and i despite i have tried she wont answered my calls or msg.She oppenned a faked e-mail and e-mail me,that she needs to figure out her life but havent forgot about me and thinks of me evry day many times. What ddo i do?

7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had had a relationship with a married man for 4 years and he got divorced last year and we've been living together for six months and we are planning to get married in winter. Well, but our case was different from yours, because he doesn't care sex too much, and he never used me or saw me as a sex object. And he told everything to his wife when she cought our message, also he told his family about me. But, you may ask why he waited for 3 years because his wife didn't want to divorce she threatened me, I'm a teacher and she called my school, etc. So,the divorce stage was realy difficult. However, I'm so lucky to find out him cause he is such an honest and lovely man. Marriages differs from each other. He was married at the age of 21 and you know that those ages are really deceive. Now he is 35.He has a son and we don't have any problem with him. All I want to say is that try to figure out if there is a real love between you and him. Cause he was always by my side whenever I have any ilness or trouble. Good luck to all.

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you are in a relationship with a married man you are very tough because there is a lot of hurt and misery involved in this kind of relationship,trust me i know.althouigh im not sure whether this man im with is married or not but i am certain tha he has a patner and children.this is very hard for me because i am only 18 yrs old and he is in his early forties,i am still a virgin and i told him about this and he seemed ok with it but i know that if this stupid relationship continues he will ask for sex.i wont loose my virginity to a married guy.i am still pluging up the courage to break up with him,sometimes he doesnt answer his phone and then he calls me and says something is wrong with his phone,this is just a white lie,thats actyully when he is with his wife and kids.to those of you who are in the same kind of mess,please know that life has much more to offer,luv yourself more then you wont need luv from a married man.these men seem sweet and charming,mine still is because the relation just started BUT I WANT OUT.

2:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been seeing a married man for 8 1/2 years also, for 1 1/4 years he was my boyfriend, so I've been in love with this man for 10 years. At the time we met he was boyfriend/girlfriend with his now wife. We worked together at that time and became friends. She then cheated on him and he left her. We had been friend after that for about 3 months and then we fell for each other and started dating but not excusively and of course because it took me a while to become intimate with him, he got his so called fix from his ex girlfriend until we became boyfriend/girlfriend 11/2 months later after dating. We were together and about 4 months later she came out and said she was pregnant. I was so devastated, but he said he didn't love her anymore and he could never forgive her for cheating on him. That he loved me and wanted to be with me and we would work thru this,not to give up on him. I loved him so I believed him and I stayed with him. We stayed together and we were happy and had a good relationship for the next 7 months, then the baby was born. He went to the hospital the next day after his baby was born and then he came home to me. We stayed together for about a month after the baby was born and then he told me he need to be with his baby, that he loved me, but that he needed to see if he could make things work with his baby's mom. And he left me just like that. I was devastated once again, but this time it was over. He was so mean to me afterwards, told me to leave him alone and that he didn't want me to cause any problems. I was so hurt by that because I never did anything bad to him, so I let go. I was so depressed, I didn't know how to forget about him, how to stop loving him. After a couple of months he started emailing me and calling me and because I still loved him I starting talking to him again. I was so glad he was back in my life, at least as friends, but because of that I never moved on. At first we stayed just friends for the next 4 years, he would call me every week and email me, but I never moved on, because I was still in love with him or at least the thought of him and what we use to have and the way he made me feel. Then he started having problems with his wife and he starting calling me more because he was upset with his wife. He told me he was thinking of getting a divorce, that he loved the mother of his children, but he wasn't in love with her and that he was having these feelings about me and that he was still in love with me. We continued to talk and then a couple of months later we got together for the first time in 5 years and the relationship got sexual. To make a long story short 3 years later he is still with his wife and she still calls me a couple times per month and we have sex every other month. I know this relationship is never going to be, but I can seem to let go of what we had in the past. I've wasted 8 years of my life waiting for someone who is never, ever going to be mine, but I can't let go. I have estranged friendship because of him and I haven't had another relationship, because I want him. I've tried dating once or twice after he left me, but the 2 or 3 dates I had with these me all i could think about was it's not him. I'm going to see him on Tuesday again, I know I shouldn't, that I should just stop and let him go, but I can't.....How do I move on, before my youth is over and I miss out on my entire life. I'm only 31 and I wasted my entire 20's on a man who probably doesn't deserve me...I deserve better, but how can I make myself realize that?? Someone HELP ME!!!

2:06 AM  
Blogger Liberty said...

Relationship with a married man is a complete waste of time. If you are serious then you need to be away from such a man! Till he shows you his divorce papers he is just a liar or in a state of delusion!

9:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The truth is nobody knows the truth. I am the wife. My husband was involved with a woman for over a year. They had this mutual respect that she would never ask him to leave his wife, and when he decided what he wanted, she'd be okay with that.

Well as smart as he thought he was.. he got sloppy .. not only did I find out about the affair.. I found out who she was, everything.

First time I caught him.. he cried.. told me how sorry he was.
Promised to end it, begged me not to leave him.

Fast forward a couple months .. I catch him AGAIN with the same woman .. again with the crying.. telling her how awful I was to him.. how unhappy he was with me. He goes out and buys me new furniture.

Fast forward a few more months.. I catch him for the THIRD and final time. We get into a huge fight.. he takes off to "his mother's" for the night, thinking this will somehow buy him some time to figure out what he wants. Instead he came back to an empty house. I left him.. period.

I emailed the OW.. I had NOT contacted her before than, I told her in no uncertain terms how disgusting they both were, because there are children involved. She was taking him to her kids PTA meetings. What kind of mother takes her married boyfriend..to her kids PTA meeting?

Fast forward 2 months.. he decides that even AFTER I made the decision FOR him.. and he could be with her ..and ONLY her.. he came RIGHT back.. wanted me to move back home.. to give him a chance to prove himself.

In the MEANTIME.. she thinks she is starting a whole new life with him.. and he'll be a father to her kid.. and she goes ahead and gets pregnant.

Well.. guess what.. now she's alone.. raising another baby.. as a single mother. NOT because my husband wants it that way, she is too hurt to allow him to be a part of the child's life because he couldn't be with her.

Here is the kicker ladies.. my husband and I HAVE no children together. AS a matter of fact.. this baby that's on the way.. is his ONLY child ...

So she gets hurt, the baby gets hurt.. all because she believed him and his lies. I tried to tell her EARLY on.. when I left him.. that he did this once before, and I threw him out. He came RIGHT back. The OW got hurt.

Did I get hurt? Sure I did. But I have over 12 years in this marriage.

He can tell you how miserable he is all he wants.. the fact of the matter is.. he lies to YOU.. just as much as he lies to his wife.

I don't know what will happen to my marriage. We are back together trying to work it out. It's mostly good. He tries hard. But the woman he professed to love so much.. the woman he wanted to end his marriage for.. well now he hates her because she won't let him be a father to his baby on the way.

Sounds like a soap opera doesn't it?

Well it's real life.

EVERYONE gets hurt. NOBODY wins.

Right now I'm going to go home from work, and spend the weekend with my husband, doing something.. the ex OW?? What can she be doing pregnant? She has nobody to share it with..she ain't going out to have fun with her friends..

sad isn't it?

save yourself the heartache. She didn't listen to me.. maybe you will.

Is my husband a piece of crap for what he did? HECK yeah he is.. he's the lowest piece of crap on the planet...my marriage isn't disposable. I gave him walking papers.. an EASY divorce.. I wanted NOTHING... and guess where he is.

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I halfto say its deffinitly an unexpected thing that happens that i dont wish on anyone...i am single and he is a married man with two kids. he and i met through work and social activities outside of work. it all started with texting. we both work on the same shift which consists of being away from home for 48 hours at a time. we started texting while at work. the conversations were innocent but lengthy so we started talking through instant messanger so that his wife wouldnt see a trace of text massages on the bill. what started out as getting to know eachother and becomming good friends, turned into a habit of talking for hours every time we were at work. once we became more comfortable with eachother and became close we started to talk about our attraction twords eachother and even having sexual conversations. his wife cheated on him about a year before we started talking and he is very hurt by that, but loves his kids and wanted things to work so he didnt leave her. i felt that with their past history and the attention i was getting from him that he was potentially unhappy in his marraige. i then decided to tell him that i had grown strong feelings for him and that i really cared about him. he told me that he is married with kids and that he would never do anything to ruin that. i explained that i was not interested in cheating or having an affair with him. he explained that we are to remain friends but yet he still talks about his sexual attraction to me and enjoys our lengthy conversations which also began to take place outside of work. and he also explained to me that he really enjoys talking to me and still wants to be able to talk to me but not feel guilty about it. i feel that he is unhappy and my idea was that he would realize that and leave his wife. i dont blame any man for not wanting to go through a divorce and put your children through such heartache. but i do believe in true love and a happy marraige. i fell for a married man and he still talks to me on a daily basis we have been talking like this for a year now. its so hard to hold my feelings back and he has appolagized for leading me on or hurting me. i feel he is stuck but i also dont want to push the issue. so for now we are friends... as hard as it is i still fantasize about him and truly do feel i found my best friend. i feel that with talking to him everyday and making him feel good by talking about what sex would be like together and of course talking to eachother like any best friend or married couple would talk about every day events in life that i am filling that gap in his marraige. so i decided it was best to keep in touch like a real friend would and not talk as much as before and make sure to keep the sexuall attraction out of our conversations together. he is an honest fun loving man. and i hope his wife appreciates him as much as i would like too. i hope after seeing what other people have been through i can get out of this mess i started and my feelings will go away. time to be strong:) good luck out there!

5:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was going through separation when I met this guy. He was loving, charming and friendly. Very soon we became good friends. His wife had delivered a baby when we met. She had gained lot of weight after the delivery which turned him off. He used to discuss his issues with me and I supported him in every possible way. Meanwhile, I was also going through lot of psychological depression due to my separation. Somehow, we ended up together. Initially, it was just physical but later on we both started feeling this strong connection between us. We realized that we had fallen in love with each other. He kept on assuring me that he deeply loves me and will always be there for me. Our relationship took a huge turn and we started rolling on the emotional roller coaster ride. I started feeling jealous of his wife and him devoting more time to his family. I felt he was not doing any justice to me. He said he loved me yet he kept on telling me that his marriage is more important to him. He wants to eat the cake and have it too. He doesn’t want to leave her nor does he want to leave me. If I want I can continue with this relationship but if I do, am I doing any justice to myself, his wife and his marriage? Of course, No. I love him very dearly, he has become my heart and soul but the woman in me tells me that I have no rights to hurt another woman. Despite my love for him I have no choice then to leave him. He will be hurt so will I be but at least his marriage will be saved. And if he has the same feelings for me as I have for him, he will recognize my sacrifices and honor it in time to come.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My thanks to Dr.Dreyfus for his insights into this subject. They are simple and firmly to the point. It sounds like I fall into the category of women who can't handle a real committed relationship. It's starting to express itself in some crazy ways. I might even have a phobia.

I now have insight into my situation, which is very new. We are trying to be good, but feelings and desire are awfully powerful emotions. My MM doesn't want a divorce, nor would I wish him to get one for me. We've just crossed paths at a time when we both need a some positive attention from another person. Hopefully this is shining a light on the problems in his marriage (distant wife) and he will start to work on making it better. The challenge for me will be to let go when the time is right.

The stories posted here are unbelievably messy; it appears most women here have little self respect/esteem. It's terrifying to know there are so many rotten men out there.

My dude is NOT a rotten man I'm I'm not a rotten woman. We're deep, real friends....that are becoming complicated.

I feel that people should make decisions starting from a place of love--not the stupid romantic "love" we delude ourselves with, that we see in movies, but the bigger kind. Non possessive love.


From a different angle, I need to point out that the concept of marriage doesn't seem to work very well. To horde all the love of one person for only one person may not be the best way to go about creating a healthy society. It seems limiting when we are so full of potential to cultivate love for everything that exists. Maybe it's time to evolve human relationships. Into what I don't know just yet!

8:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are cigarettes good for you? Is excessive alcohol healthy? Do drugs take you to heights unimaginable? Like all of these addictions they start with just the flick of the Bic, the sip of the vodka, or the very first high. Whether or not you deny it in your mind you know that if you continue on these paths it is not going to end in a good way. Just like the affairs with these married men. You know from the beginning whether you deny it or not that its going to end badly. It always starts out as just harmless conversation or that instant connection once you lock eyes. Like any addiction you feel great when you have it and the worst when you dont have it . Just like every woman on here described how dependent they are on these men. Married Men is the addiction, you are not addicted to him you are addicted to the thrill, excitement, and unreal love. You depend on him to determine your life, you depend on him for love, you depend on him for support(financial and/or emotional). The addiction is killing you and you know it, why not do something about it? By relying on him to leave his wife is just like substituting drugs for alcohol, you get the same end effect. He may leave but where does that leave you and him on cloud 9? NO, wake up if you are tired of feeling this way and tired of being confused, tired of waiting. The first thing to do is admit your problem and seek help. Some ppl can stop addiction on their own, some with the help of others. But evaluate yourself and love yourself dont depend on a man to feel loved. If you are single, be single. enjoy the company of other people. Dont waste your life on a loser. Being in the middle of a marriage can feel like a too crowded room just step outside and see that there is more world than that one room. This is coming from the wife of the man who has the mistress. I for one will not let a man determine whether I feel loved or not. Every relationship has its ups and downs why be the clean up woman, go be the main thing, the top feels so much better than the bottom. If both women(the outside and the wife) would learn from the relationship and grow there would not be these mixed emotions, keep on moving , neither of us deserve to be treated like this or treat ourselves like this.To you sidechicks who feel like you cant move on you need help and seek it fast before its too late.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well its so easy for people to suggest that just leave him if he is married.well so what if he is married i still love him not b,coz of the thrill or b,coz of addiction but b,coz of what person he is or wat we are when we are with each other i was in relationship with a married man since last 4 yrs and now we got married we knew we cant live without each other. and he also risked everything he had to be with me so i dont think he is not taking me seriously and onething no man would go that limit for being with someone untill or unless he really loves the person.
and love is the strongest feeling in the world so love have its own magic good or bad is diff but at that moment being in his arms is wat i want and i am ready to risk anything for him just his hug wud give everything back.and one more thing nothing good in life comes easily.you have to go through ups and down face problems and that,s the way god makes u value that thing or relationship.

7:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have read all the post here. I have got confidence. I am also in the similar situation. I want to leave him (MM). But i m unable to do that. I m having suicidal tendencies.

4:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a saved Christian, very active in my church. Celibate for almost 8 years because the Bible says no premarital sex. He works at the church in maintenance, wife works in the church office. Because of how often I volunteer, he and I became friends over the years (and I did grow a crush on him). Last year he was a listening ear when I went thru a situation with a guy. From there we talked more, met at sports bars to watch games etc. It grew and grew to intimate time then eventually sex. I was sick with guilt + shame in the beginning. I still can't believe it - esp after years of celibacy, I had sex with a married man?! What was I thinking?? None of my closest friends know. I would die of shame if the find out, have to leave my church family. I think I love him but of course 5 months later I'm not getting the same time + attn from him. After reading these posts, Maybe its a blessing because maybe I'll be able to get out of it before years pass or I get pregnant. I'm feel like he used/manipulated me even though I take responsibility for letting it happen.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow,what is going on in this world?? I am also in relation with a married man, my situation is bit diff, I am divorced n have 8yrs old daughter, I met him year n half ago , I didnt know he is married..I came to know after 6 months of relationship..I cried n slept him when i came to knw he is married..Now the real issue is his wife is in India n he has 1yr old daughter. he came year when his wife was pregnent.There are some family issue thats y he want to leave his wife n to be with me..but there r just promises. He didnt even start the process of divorce but want me in all way..We r great together coz we have better understanding, adventure , co-operation but whnever I talk about when he will start the process he says oh dont worry it will be done some day..Means he is not ready..But Today I gathered my courage n told him thts it we r done..Now I am setting him free lets see what happens now..I love him alot..but I dont want to be fool. any comments are welcome.. Thank you

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am totally in love with a married man and I thought it would be different, that when he said he would leave her when the kid was grown, I really believed him... We had been highschool sweethearts and thats why I really thought it would be different and ours was a better situation than most dating a married man. of course it is no different.. He is never going to leave his life or his wife..He complains about his life and her all the time and says he doesn't love her but feels sorry for her because of medical conditions and won't leave cause she is handicapped and she watches his daughter's children, a daughter who is not hers so he is afraid the daughter won't get free child care if he were to leave... whatever, its always the same, there is always excuses.... Of course I am hurt and will love him forever, but there aint no way he is going to leave her no matter what he has promised me....And he is one that has numerous other women during this marriage of 20 years, but again, I thought we were different cause we were high school sweethearts that never got over each other and after over 20 years of not seeing or hearing from each other, we picked up right where we left off and everythign seemed so right and so perfect....But fact is he is a married man and only very few married men actually leave the wives...Crazy but I gotta move on and value myself enough and know there is a decent guy out there somewhere...one that is not married....

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last year March 2, I decided to end my relationship with a married man, it caused unbearable pain, so much hurt. And this situation leads me to God, I am determined, focus and I understand that living with hurtful truth is easier than living with secrets and lies. May God forgive us.

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My God you women are destroying families and then portraying yourselves as the victim. You disgust me. My father never knew his father because he chose his mistress over his wife and son. My father then went on to leave my mother and his four children for his mistress. You people leave behind you a trail of destruction and lives torn apart because you can't say no to a married man. You don't deserve sympathy only contempt!

5:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

men are men,they care for sex they love there children and they will keep respecting theire wives no matter what....the simple complication...me too i'm in a relation with a married man i loved him toooo much but... he always told me that she is only his wife but i'm he lovers and best company ever but all lies coz he never accept a bed word about her he always deffence....

1:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is clear from reading all these posts that these men who cheat on their wives are extremely manipulative and pathological liars. I started seeing a guy who was married, of course I didn't know, I had been seeing him for about a month before I found out. So being married is lie #1. I confronted him on this and he had a big, elaborate story about how he's going through a divorce, but there are issues regarding who is going to get the dog, blah blah blah. But he was so good, like he truly believed all this, that I believed him and continued to see him. After about 2m onths of this I told him it's over, being involved with a married guy sucks! He continued to try to pursue me. Then he came up with another story about how is wife is pregnant and it's not his, she cheated on him on a trip. Again, blah blah blah. What a liar. However, when I found out that there would be kids involved I just wanted no contact whatsoever. He continued to try to get in touch with me. I agreed to meet with him last night to end things for good in person and then the REAL (supposedly) truth came out, that the baby could be his. But, he said, he has a few months before it's born, so why can't we just keep fooling around until then? I said forget it, goodbye and don't ever contact me again. I can truly say that after this experience, you cannot blame the other woman. These guys are dangerously selfish and will do and say whatever it takes to get what they want. They are extremely manipulative and care about no one but themselves. I can't tell you how good it feels to never have deal with that pathetic loser ever again!

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's very depressing reading all these situations and comments. My relationhip with a married man has been only for a few months, with a man I've known most of my life. I know for a fact, from many sources, that his marriage has been unhappy and unhealthy for years, his children are grown. He and his wife have been through lots of counseling and their life and lack of communication has not improved. A number of things happened rapidly about the time we started seeing each other and those things have left this usually self-sufficient, industrious, responsible man feeling stuck in his current relationship due to financial reasons. I care about him deeply and know he feels likewise and know he gets very little fulfillment from his wife. So... I tell myself I'll hang on until one expected thing changes his financial situation, and if he makes no move to leave at that time I'll end the relationship. I know most of us probably tell ourselves and others that "our relationship is different," and in some ways that may indeed be true, but it certainly saddens me to read these posts. I will NOT wait long-term. He truly deserves to have some happiness and has truly been deprived of that by his wife. But if he doesn't have the guts to cut his ties soon, I'll cut them, painful as it may be. I don't want to hurt him, want to see him happy. There are so many great things about our relationship, yet I know I receive crumbs in many ways and will not continue long-term to feel like a second-class citizen.

9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 31 and married for almost 3 years and I am having an affair with a married man for almost 2 years now. He is married for 27 years and has 3 kids. I met him when I was 21. We had dated before but that was just all for fun. It's like "Now I see him, Now I don't". However, I felt all the guilt within because I felt like I was young and naive back then. 3 years after the last time we met, I went to his office because I needed a job. He is now my boss. A month after working with him, we had the chance to have sex. Well, it was such a big mistake but then it was all my fault. I never resisted. It was that easy because we had a history
together. There have been so many things that had happened between us up until now. I have thought of leaving him for so many times but I always fail. There was one time when I tried to measure myself and left for days without his permission, I thought it was goodbye but eventually I returned back to him. I am not the type of person who would let him choose between me and his wife and kids. I would never do that because I can't leave my husband too. Well, I just don't know why do I have to be in this situation? I am emotionally involved now and this has truly brought me stressed. I don't know what I am doing with myself. I am voluntarily getting into a mess. Most people especially his wife and kids had already suspected our so called "relationship" but, we always DENY! Am I really in love? Or am I only doing this for my own selfish.
ways? I can't understand myself because I also get jealous with other girls. He is known to be a womanizer. He gets what he wants because he has the money. He uses it to manipulate some pretty babe especially virgins. Well, what about me? I don't know how to ever get rid of this because I feel pain whenever I tried to think about leaving. I have cried for so many times over him. I know he loves me for sex and so do I. I love my husband more. I am just waiting for the right time to Quit everything because I am not yet ready for now. I am living in sin. I just hope one day, I can get over. I know I will. So very soon.

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 31 and married for almost 3 years and I am having an affair with a married man for almost 2 years now. He is married for 27 years and has 3 kids. I met him when I was 21. We had dated before but that was just all for fun. It's like "Now I see him, Now I don't". However, I felt all the guilt within because I felt like I was young and naive back then. 3 years after the last time we met, I went to his office because I needed a job. He is now my boss. A month after working with him, we had the chance to have sex. Well, it was such a big mistake but then it was all my fault. I never resisted. It was that easy because we had a history
together. There have been so many things that had happened between us up until now. I have thought of leaving him for so many times but I always fail. There was one time when I tried to measure myself and left for days without his permission, I thought it was goodbye but eventually I returned back to him. I am not the type of person who would let him choose between me and his wife and kids. I would never do that because I can't leave my husband too. Well, I just don't know why do I have to be in this situation? I am emotionally involved now and this has truly brought me stressed. I don't know what I am doing with myself. I am voluntarily getting into a mess. Most people especially his wife and kids had already suspected our so called "relationship" but, we always DENY! Am I really in love? Or am I only doing this for my own selfish.
ways? I can't understand myself because I also get jealous with other girls. He is known to be a womanizer. He gets what he wants because he has the money. He uses it to manipulate some pretty babe especially virgins. Well, what about me? I don't know how to ever get rid of this because I feel pain whenever I tried to think about leaving. I have cried for so many times over him. I know he loves me for sex and so do I. I love my husband more. I am just waiting for the right time to Quit everything because I am not yet ready for now. I am living in sin. I just hope one day, I can get over. I know I will. So very soon.

10:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have answered your own question. He is giving his "WIFE" a second chance. look at yourself and ask this, "how many chances has he given you?" , I think we both know the answer. All of you want to think that the wife is to blame. I also had an affair of 6yrs and I will tell all of you that want to live fooled, they never leave, and it isnt for the children or because they feel guilty; as one married woman once told me, it's because of a bond between two people that love each other. Move on, I know it hurts but you arent stealing anything away, because they will never be yours. A man is a man, he will cheat and say I love you not with his heart but with his "DI**". Passion is a lonely place to be. So honey leave the guy, I did, hardest thing I ever did, but i'm happy and my concious is at peace. Take care and good luck!!!

11:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if anyone still checks this as it seems to have been here for awhile but I stumbled across it and thought I'd vent somewhere..

I am 19 years old, recently dropped out of college and started a factory job to pay off my debt in order to re-enroll in college.

Unfortunately, after about a month of working at my job they hired a new supervisor for my shift. Instantly we connected and became fast friends. He is 29 and married with kids. We started out simply as friends and somehow, here I am a couple months later in a relationship and deeply in love with this man. When our friendship slowly started to turn into more we both told each other we knew it was fun and nothing would ever come from it considering our ages, circumstances, etc. We never had sex we simply enjoyed each other in every other way possible. Despite what we both thought would happen, we both fell in love.

I love this man more than words could ever explain... He is my best friend. I want nothing more than to spend every day of the rest of my life with him. He and his wife are splitting and I'm not exactly sure if this was happening before me or because of me as he as only been married since February of this year.

I thought I'd found everything I'd ever wanted until a week ago things started to go downhill. He was constantly MIA, didn't reply to texts like usual, odd in person.. So I told him I thought it was best we return to friends.. He was LIVID. Told me to never talk or text him unless it was about work and to have a nice life. In the midst of all this I realized that I had made a mistake because although I am unhappy the 70% of the time I'm not with him, I am much more unhappy now without him completely. Not too much time went by until he began texting me and we started talking about things.. We've been trying to work things out for the past week and then as soon as I think things are better and we're going to get back together and work it out... he pulls my card and says "I don't feel good about us.. you're going to be miserable with me being busy all the time. It's not fair and I can recognize that it will cause problems. I think we should try the friends thing and if it goes on from there okay."

I am so hurt. There are not words enough to describe how I feel.. I want my best friend back. He told a coworker that he is currently moving his wife out now and he wants to be with me but he is so scared that I'll break it off with him again and he can't have someone in and out of his life especially with the kids.. I don't understand.. If this is the case WHY tell me something different? I'm so confused and hurt.. The main reason I broke things off was because of the wife ordeal and being tired of coming in 2nd place all the time. I don't know what to do. :(

2:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the ladies here. I am surprised that there are so many of us!! A married man may enjoy with you more, he may even feel happier with you,, but he will still never leave his wife for you. The prime reason is that whatever his wife might be but he Married her. So there is a lot of respect involved in the relationship. There are other reasons like he would never want to give up his social status or comfortable life for you. Then he might mot be prepared to shell out the money needed for divorce settlements.. You are just a shoulder to cry on but when you will genuinely need him, he wont be there, trust me on that. I have been involved with a married man for about 2 years. He said that his wife would make everyone's life hell if she came to know about us & that I needed to give him some time. I gave him time but last year his wife came to know about things on her own. She dint create any havoc but filed for a divorce herself & asked for divorce settlements for their kid. Then I realised that he actually never wanted to divorce!! He went into depression, he breaks up with me & then comes back again for sex... and then goes back again because he misses his kid. When I ask him, why should he stay in her house or go out to places with her, he says that his kid asks for it!!! I am really tired of this man. I am telling you, a married man will not leave his wife in 99.99 % case. .01% is really an exception & I haven't seen that happening with smart men!

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had a relationship with my ex-husband for seventeen years. We were married for only one year and divorced. I remarried and reamined married for fourteen years. I divorced my second husband because of the mental abuse. I started talking back with my first husband and he supported me and my dauther for the past seventeen years. I realize that he will never leave his wife. All of their children are grown and she moved out a year ago. Woman's intuition led me to her house and he droved another vehicle there. I can sense when he is stepping out. But, deep down he is not cheating on me, because he is with his wife. I am now 53 years old and have wasted the past seventeen years of my life because I have been in loved with him for the past thirty-years. Tonight, it was an eye opener. I am not too old yet, to find someone to share my life with. The only problem is I have seriously dated only two men in the past thirty years and I was married to both of them. I don't want to be alone in this world, however, I don't want to continue living my life a lie. I am going to pray and ask God to give me the strenth to stay away. I can walk away, but I can't stay away. He has practically moved in and we see each other every day. Now, I realzie that I will always be the other woman not his wife. He has done so much for me, but I guess another man could have been doing the samething if giving a chance. I truseted him and I believd in him, but I did not trust me and my instincts. The good thing is I am not sad nor am I crying. I have to come to grips with reality and just say, he cares about me, but he does not love me enough to spend his life with me. I do know how his wife feels, even though she stepped out on him first in their relationship. I want to meet a nice man around my age that wants to settle and share his life with a woman that does not wants to play games. All I can say is be careful what you pray for because you might just get it. I prayed for God to show me something and he did.

9:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 22y/o married with a family...and just recently got back together with my husband who was cheating on me with one of his former co-workers...all the while 2 weeks after he left me..i got involved with a married man that i work with. Not once have we spoken about either one of us leaving our respective spouses...he knows i love my husband..i know he loves his wife..we care about each other quite alot. I dont think either one of us exspected this to turn into anything more than just fun..but i can feel it slowly evolving into something a bit more..he has mentioned it too..but neither one of us wants to be homewreckers..and go all out and say we love eachother..i think we are in denial..but for a good reason...i think..im so confused..lol..we refer to eachtoher as b/f and g/f...he texts/calls all the time..and we work together 8 hours a day 5 days a week...he has tried to encourage and nurture my relationship wth my husband as i have done with him and his wife..giving advice and being a "shrink" when we need it...I dont expect him to leave his wife..he doesnt expect me to leave my husband...we are comfortable int the situation we find ourselves in and still enjoy eachothers company..eating and hanging out..hardly ever having sex..we hold hands, make out, enjoy talking and being with eachother..i wish i could have this kind of relationship with my husband again...lol..i have been involved with him for over 6 months now..ive been married for 3 years..hes been married for 14..and we are happy...

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i cancelled my wedding and my 10 yr relationship with my fiance because im inlove with a married man. he is married for 3 yrs but he doesnt have a child. we knew each other since High school but our affair started last january. I chose him over my fiance because i am deeply inlove with him. we have a long distance relationship but we saw each other last May. When i cancelled my wedding he decided to to left his wife and he chose me. we surpassed a lot of trials and problems during that time. i trust him that he'll do everythng for us. i love him so much and for some reason i know he's the one.. but ofcourse like other who's in the same situation like me.. its not easy..there's always a feeling of pain specially knowing that he's married. a feeling of fear that anytime he'll come back to his wife.. you should be strong enough to handle because its not really easy..good luck to us guys.. specially those who's already stuck..

12:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for letting us post comments, I'm in the same situation with a married man we have a year together and he swears he doesn't love his wife. They been together for 12 years, they have a 8 year old kid. I fell so in love with him that I accepted to be in his love triangle. I wait on him to give me his left over time yes, I said left over time because we work together. I see her come over and touch him it gets me angry. I don't know what to do. No man that is married will ever love his lover because if he did he wouldn't hold back on getting separated. No matter what. He says he won't leave her because of his kid but he never loved her he had a chance to leave her before even having a kid after four years of marrige so I don't understand why stay and be miserable.I know we all say we are in love which is understanding. I just realized I'm stupid by reading all the comments that are posted, we "the lovers" should be making the rules since they are the ones commited to someone else. No one did ever say love wasn't supposed to hurt but that's the only way we would learn. Let's all walk away and make a better life for ourselves. They are going to be the ones losing for letting all the understanding women leave there side.

12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just walked away from an 8 year relationship with a married man. These 8 years have been a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I feel like I am on top of the world but it is the other times that have made me realise I deserve better. I tried to break up with him 4 years ago which is when he promised he would leave his wife. Of course that hasn't happened and probably never will. I now realise that he has been the most selfish person on the face of the earth. He made all these promises in order to keep me by his side, even if this meant I had to give up my own dreams and aspirations. That is not fair. As much as I love him, and I know he loves me, I have now been able to look into the future and it is not a good prospect at all. I will continue being alone and miserable just so that he can have both things in his life: a wife and kids and a woman head over heels for him. At this point I do agree with some of you who think "the other woman" actually makes the marriage more tolerable. I think that is too low to settle for in life. I am sad, but serene. My advice, run, put an end to the affair and start working on getting what you truly deserve.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Teary eyed I was when I read all these sentiments. How I wish I have read all of these 2 years ago, then I would have make the right decision not to fall in love with a married man. What can I say? I vowed not to see him or communicate with him ever again when his wife found out about us 4 months ago. My ever so wholesome image, my once peaceful world has been turned upside down. I have lost my friends, while his wife earned millions out of sympathy, and I have become the "I can't believe she did that" sort of girl. His wife asked him to leave her alone for sometime, and so he stayed with me for a short while. Despite the problem that we faced, we still provide ourselves for each other's strength. I saw his strength easing away,his guilt eating him for hurting his wife, and has been very apologetic to me everyday for what he has done to my life. I told him I would never be totally happy if he choses me over his wife, I pushed him out my life told him to go back to his wife and fix everything because I know I am not that kind of person. I wanted to go very far from him but he begged me not to for his peace of mind, well not now while his mind is still in chaos. That period when the fire was still so hot was the time that we spent together every second of the day, and it felt good. We were in so much pain but still I managed to think things straight. I have always been a sane kind of person, the one who knows what is moral and what is not, a strong person who knows the pros and cons, but what can I do? I have met this MM who has become a very good friend of mine. That is the common ground here, they have always been our friend. I don't know with you guys, but I know my man. He is not happy with his life being with her, and yes when his wife and I talked about it she has told me that they are just like roommates and not a couple. She was hurt by the thought that his husband did not make love to her for 3 years and to find out that he is very sweet and intimate to me for the good couple of years is a stab on her chest. My conscience is killing me, and I begged my MM to try and fix the damage and I left him a note that if he cannot take it anymore it is now his time to give it a rest. I understand that he waited for his wife before to quit in their marriage, and I am not the type to talk him out of their marriage. He promised me that this time he will make the decision for himself if he still does not feel the connection between them. And I told him what we had has always been a great memory for me, he is the man that I felt being loved, he makes me really happy, every minute spent with him was very precious since we dont have all the time for us. Que sera sera, I told him if it would be us at the end then so be it, it would make me the happiest woman in the world. But then if that time comes, I want it to be in the rightful way, and he said YES it would be in the rightful way. He asked me to wait for him didnt say how long but he wants me to promise that I would wait for him, and I am being insane coz yes I am willing to take the risk of being hurt again. I AM GOING TO WAIT FOR HIM. I know my man, I loved him, it is just so sad because he is tied up but I love him, and he is a genuine person - he admitted to his wife that he loves me and that he wants to make me happy. Should I be proud of it? NO I am not proud that I am a part of this painful process that his wife went through but it had happened already. And it is my own personal choice to continue loving him at a distance, we don't have communication but his presence is there. ALWAYS. In my heart.

4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 25 and I have been with a married man for 1 yr and a half,at first we started off as a friend but it soon get serious coz he start to tell me that he loves me and all,the reason why im being with him and gave myself a chance to be with him is because that he was in an arranged marriage that he never agreed on BUT he have a child together,he told me that he is going through a divorce and i dont know when it will all end,he came back to see his child and i personally think its wrong to be on the same bed as his wife and because of this,i just dont want to carry on anymore,i just dont understand why he is telling me that what i have with him is a relationship but he can be room mate because of the child,he keep on telling me to trust him but i just dont know how anymore,i know that i have no future with him but i truely love him n i dont know how to get out,please advise me,im still doing school and working at the same time,its too much of a stress for me and i dont know how to handle it..

6:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is actually an eye opener for every single person, men and women. Being married is not easy, having that piece of paper in your hand with both your signatures in it is not a guarantee of having a lasting and enjoyable married life. That is another stage for married couple to be more sweet to one another, to be so creative in doing something for each other that creates fun and enjoyment, doing crazy things filled with excitement. Because often they tend to settle down with the thought that as long as you go home and wake up each day with your husband or wife is enough already to keep you going with your married life! Wake up! Being married is supposed to be something more fun and enjoyable doing exciting things TOGETHER and for each other. I just ended a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend whom I thought really cares about me coz I do care a lot about him. I am cautious not to speak hurtful words to him coz I know he had rough times when his mother died, and everytime he speaks to me in a manner that no one ever dared talking to me like that, I always make excuses for himself trying to understand him. But 4 years after, I am so done! He needs to overcome his past, and I need to start thinking about myself, and needs to be taken care of. And so I met this married man, and another chapter of my life has opened. I love him. He took care of me a lot. And I dont know how long we can go with this new journey. He has been married for 4 years now. Got married from a long distance relationship, by the way I also had a long distance relationship before. And based on experience, I dont rely on LDR!

6:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

post after post, we are all going through the same thing. I didn't realize how many of us there were that have carried on for so long. I have been with a MM for over 2 years now and I have a baby with him that just turned 1. I am struggling in my life emotionally b/c I, too, feel addicted to this man! He makes me feel so good, just being with him. We have such a close connection. I have never loved a man b4, the way I love him. I sometimes wonder if it is real love.. if i would still want him if he were to leave his wife for me. We also have a large age difference. he is 35 years older than me. Yes, 35! I am 26. I can't figure out how to get out of the rut i am in. I've been told I need to learn to love myself. I dont know HOW to do that!
I sometimes think, "ok, I'm going to NOT see him anymore! this is IT" but within just a few days i am crying and misserable. absolutely hating myself. I want nothing more than to be #1. I want to lay in bed with him every night, have companionship, have sex whenever I want, have a FATHER for our baby,... i DONT WANT TO BE ALONE ANYMORE!!! but none of that is going to happen. I will be alone for a very long time and i HATE the thought of that.

8:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is my sad story been with a MM for 28 years. Off & on a hundred times. Wish I saw this post earlier. I fought being with a MM for months, treated him mean etc, he finally broke me down & I went to meet him for a drink. Bad decision, if you know it's wrong don't do it. What I thought was a innocent drink, turned my life to hell. The ups & down, lies, sleepless nights, loneliness, etc. is not worth it. Look at me wasted 28 years of my life, he didn't loose anything. Still trying to get my life together. I'm going to do it because he's not worth any more tears from me. Karma is waiting for him. My thinking is that they both
deserve each other. You may think I deserve this hurt too, maybe I do, but just remember I'm human with a heart,
just like you. You may think u would never get involved with a MM, I said that too, tried my best to have him hate
me and look what happened to me! BE SMART & NEVER
EVER SEE A MM. You are going to regret it. I do every waking day of my life.........

1:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm having that relationship now, for tha 2 and half years. Their marriage up to 20 years with two kids. It's been a year after his wife know about us and since that he is staying with me up to this moment, but whithin that period he did mentioned to go back to his family about 3 times. He claimed that he love me so much but he just can't leave his family which been shared a lot of feeling and memories together. He don't intend to break that family, but in the same time love me so much. He is in a very confusing moment now, and I just always be his side given all the understanding that he needed but I know he is not going to choose to be with me. It's really hurt. Now we are in the middle of considering which way to choose. I can't bear letting him go,but some how I know all this need to end. I'm suffering enought, tears are my best friend throughout this year. I just hope can find some friend out there that sharing the same situation with me, that can really understand the feeling that I have in me now, I wish to get some strength so I can move on.

4:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am 29, and inlove with a married man, he is 30, and has been married for 4 years, we been in a relationship for 3 years. he has no kids with his wife. we started off as friends, we didnt plan to have an affair, it just happen, we were introduced to each other 1 month before he could get married, but I was involved with someone else at the time. that relationship broke, and I got closer to him after he got married. I feel with all my heart, body, mind and soul, that this is the guy for me, he even says that we meant for each other, that we are soulmates. His wife found out about me, so many times and he could not deney it. But he cant leave her, he says she didnt do anything wrong. They are so wrong for each other, they dont even do stuff as a married couple, he does his own things and she does the same, the only reason she stays with him is because, she took vows thats what she told me. Ive walked away frm this relationship nw, but i cant let go, and dont know if I will get get over him, we still speak, and I await the day he comes back to me, and leaves her.
If i do meet someone new, i will move on, but for now, i cant seem to be with anyone else, i long to be with him and only him. Apart of me know that we will be together one day, I just hope its not to late by then. Cause I know hes going to regret one day when its too late. I know Ive found my soulmate, I just dont understand why we have to go through all this, maybe its my Karma, that I dont get to spend this life with my soulmate. I feel that if I cant have him, Id rather spend life alone. Guess I just have to wait and see wat destiny has instore for me

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was dating my supervisor who is married to a women for 11 years and they have two children together. they got married because she became pregnant of their first child as I was told his mother did not approve of it but she had to later accept the fact. The thing is I always had conversations with him at work about almost everything, he would always make me happy even when I was so tired to be at work. One day he asked me if I would go watch a movie with me and I told him no because he was married and I didn't think it would be a good idea. however after many please come on lets go enjoy a movie I accepted the invite. we went to have dinner instead because I told him that I enjoyed talking to him without work interruption.from there it became a relationship and we dated for almost four months and I became pregnant of his baby. from that point she found out about it and made a huge display that they had a domestic violence case and because of that they were sent to couples therapy ..and he changed like 3 weeks later he was different and he told me that he was confused and he loved her and he said she was his life and he could not be with me because he would never love me more then his kids. Now that my baby is seven months he asks for her and wants to see her but he says that it is hard for him to see her the way he sees his other children because of the way she was brought in this world..its a terrible feeling seriously. I get depressed so badly and all because I decided to have an affair and believe that he would leave his family for me. He would always call me while I was pregnant saying that he loved me and then in two weeks he would say why I did not have an abortion as he asked me to do so after he found out he was confused with his feelings. It hurts it really hurts.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was dating my supervisor who is married to a women for 11 years and they have two children together. they got married because she became pregnant of their first child as I was told his mother did not approve of it but she had to later accept the fact. The thing is I always had conversations with him at work about almost everything, he would always make me happy even when I was so tired to be at work. One day he asked me if I would go watch a movie with me and I told him no because he was married and I didn't think it would be a good idea. however after many please come on lets go enjoy a movie I accepted the invite. we went to have dinner instead because I told him that I enjoyed talking to him without work interruption.from there it became a relationship and we dated for almost four months and I became pregnant of his baby. from that point she found out about it and made a huge display that they had a domestic violence case and because of that they were sent to couples therapy ..and he changed like 3 weeks later he was different and he told me that he was confused and he loved her and he said she was his life and he could not be with me because he would never love me more then his kids. Now that my baby is seven months he asks for her and wants to see her but he says that it is hard for him to see her the way he sees his other children because of the way she was brought in this world..its a terrible feeling seriously. I get depressed so badly and all because I decided to have an affair and believe that he would leave his family for me. He would always call me while I was pregnant saying that he loved me and then in two weeks he would say why I did not have an abortion as he asked me to do so after he found out he was confused with his feelings. It hurts it really hurts.

5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im talking from expeience, i am activley seeing a married man for the past 5 years now, he's been married for 16 years now. i love him to bits and im in love with him. i just cant help my feelings towards him. when im with him he makes me feel very special. i respect his family time and dont interfere and it works perfect, because when its our time, its surely our time and no distaburnces at all from his wife. i know he chances are that he may never leave his wife, but as long as he gives me the attention that i need im happy with that. on times like christmas he usually spend half of it at home with the family and then comes and spends the rest with me. i know sometimes i feel low and want him next to me all the time. i have thought about ending it sometimes but i just dont see that happening at all at the moment. his wife is so much older than him, and im so much younger than him, sooner or later he may leave her i dont know. there hasnt been any promises at all, which is okay because i belive if things will ever happen they will without any pushing or asking. Im even prepared to be his official second wife if i have to, as long as she just accepts it then why not.

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in relationships with MM or men with kids for as long as I can remember.. no I am not that old. I do know all the issues with becoming in love with a MM and going through the issues associated. The question I ask myself is why did I get involve with them in the first place? For me it is the chance at getting them at their best... as a mistress you are not bogged down with the domestics of a household, arguments, maintaining children etc. yes it is a selfish idea, but please tell me that women really get involved with married men because they want them to leave their wives...And they believe that they are going to end up in a happily ever after story. They get involved because if the guy is crappy.. you can bail.. you have an excuse.

Also... think about it.. how many men out there are actually faithful to their wives? Not much huh.... so why would any woman aspire to be a wife .... with the majority of the men being unfaithful? My other point is... he may be faithful... but there are other issues that are really daunting...abuse... emotional and physical.

Just a note : I do not condone unfaithfulness in a marriage... but as a woman who have dated MM 'Is there really a better option out there?'... Being cheated on ... and not knowing about it (as a wife)is worse than actually knowing about it (as a mistress) for me. Question.. is that maturity or immaturity.. and is that realistic?

8:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, i am in the process of breaking up with my MM..we have been involved for 4 months which i know doesnt sound long but for me it was ENOUGH..i blocked his phone number last night and hopefully ill keep it blocked..of course im upset but i feel good about the fact that im no longer wondering if/ when he is going to text me..now i knw that he CANT text me. so im not waiting around for him...

im also glad that i beat him to the punch..and pulled out the rug from under him before he expected it...do i think i hurt him? no..because after thinking about it i dont think he had any real feelings for me to begin with...i think that everything he said from the start was COMPLETE BS...all in attempt to manipulate me into having sex with him...if i didnt break it off first i think it was just a matter of time before one of the following was going to happen:
1. wife finds out..MM drops me like a hot potato
2. he starts to realize that im too much of a "hassle"..and dumps me
3. he has his fill..gets bored..dumps me

unfortunately i know i am still going to have to see him..i am a bartender and he comes into the bar regularly with his buddies (this is how i met him)..hopefully i can just work on the other side of the bar and act like he doesnt exist.

i also want to say that i know what i did was wrong because although he lied to me over and over about his situation..told me all the classics (seperate bedrooms, havent had sex in years with the wife, only there for the kids, they are like roommate, etc) at the end of the day i knew two things he was still married and he still lived at home with his wife..so do i deserve to feel like crap right now? maybe..because i should have knwn better..i knew he was a liar and a cheater..i just didnt knw to what extent..i really had no idea what he was capable of because i just thot he was a nice sweet genuine guy who was just unhappy and who couldnt help the way he felt about me..and I him..i felt the same type of "chemistry" with this man that everyone else had blogged about on here..and i couldnt ignore it..

i think its worth noting that all of feel this "intense chemisty" with our MM...which makes me think that its all just a fabrication created by these men..boy do they knw what they are doing...what upsets me the most is that i thought his feelings were as genuine as mine....again he wasnt that original..some of the usual things that he said were "i miss you, ive never felt this way before, i cant stop thinking about you, im an emotional wreck over you your so fantastic.." really???? you miss me so much you cant even call me on the weekends huh?

..i feel like a fool for beliving such crap but what can i do but learn from this...i also came to realize that this man who i thot was a nice funny sweet genuine guy turned out to be one of the sneakiest people i have ever met..the lack of trust definetly drove me crazy so much to the point i coulnt take it..whenever he would tell me he was going out to dinner i would be suspicious..anyways ive had my fill and never again!!!

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's sad to see that so many other women are/have been in this same situation.

I have been having a long term affair with a married man and I have come to the conclusion that it must end! We started seeing each other when I was 19; I am now 34. He has 3 children and I have none. I want to have a good, clean and simple life. There is no way for me to accomplish this goal within an affair. I want to end it; I have tried repeatedly but I get so lonely and heartbroken and he gets so depressed that we always end up back together. I pray for God to give me the strength to leave but so far my heart and my feet are not in unison. Please pray for me as I pray daily for the strength to rise above my situation.

11:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG!!This is unbeleivable!!!!I am in love with someone who is going to get married,we were together and after his familly engaged him with another girl,its been six months since then,and he still tell me that he love me!!!I dont know what to do.I should cut any conection with him,or make a try to change his mind?he said that he mayght not marry but the same said and after the engage and he is still with her.I dont know why men do this.after i red the posts i am terrifyed.it will be good to read a man opinion about that kind of situations.

12:46 PM  
Blogger DocDreyfus said...

Move on! A guy who would even consider cheating on his fiance is not someone you want to be with. He needs psychological help since he obviously is not ready for a long term commitment.

9:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am currenly in relationship with a married man, 1 year and everyday i feel sad, guilty about it.I never thought it was ever going to happen to me.Prior to that iwas in relationship for like 10 years but unfornately the guy left me for another woman.In the process 0f 'mourning'over it, i met this guy. It is not that he had done any magicl thing for me to stick with him but am not sure why. 5 months into our relationship i was diagnosed with fibroids and had to go for surgery an now i only have 50-50 chance of conceiving and that is if i start early.i dont know what to do. i know i will never be happy with him but i also know he is the only person who can accept me as i am and even try to conceive now that that is what i would love for now. please advice

12:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 35 year old single lady and by chance met a man who was on a business trip here in London. I was out with a girlfriend and we went for a drink. Long story short he shared our table and we spent about half an hour talking, all three of us.
During our chat he mentioned how he has been married for 25 years and has 3 children who are pretty much grown up.
After one drink we all say goodbye and my girlfriend and I go for dinner. That was that. We thought he was a charming man and said how nice it is to just sometimes meet random people (this is England and people don't talk to strangers as easily as in the US I think!!! - the man was Canadian but still... and I am not English, but originally from Scandinavia).
After dinner I wait for a bus to go home when this man walks past. I say hello and end up showing the way to a bar he was looking for. He asks if I want to join him and I think why not. We talk for 2 hours and I love every second of it. Because he is married and older (48) I feel safe. He talks about his life and his views on a wide range of topics. I open up as I feel someone is truly listening. I tell him about my life and I feel comfortable. There is no hint of flirting what so ever. He talks about his marriage in a respectful way, shows photos etc. We talk about relationships in general and our own experiences.
When the bar closes we walk towards my busstop which is right next to his hotel. It's one of the nicest in town and I invite myself to his suite. I asked if he wanted to carry on chatting and he said yes. And that is what we did for another 2 hours.
I have been unlucky in love and having male company that was so mature just felt incredible. I am attractive and get enough attention out and about but rarely meet someone who wants to talk. It's not like I think that just because a man is married he would never do anything but I felt safe as he had said it straight from the start and us meeting again on the street was a coincidence.
Suddenly the mood changes and I know that if I don't leave the room now we will kiss. How could we not. I cannot leave as I feel that my soul has been fed and I feel so close to this articulate handsome man. We kiss all night but don't go all the way.
He had given me his business card earlier in the bar saying that I was lovely company and he would like to see me again when he is back in town. Maybe to go to see a play or something.
In the morning he says that he would still like to see me and he should be back in London in a couple of weeks. Then he paused and said that he would like to be friends but if he is honest he would probably want more. But that he understands if I was not willing to do that 'more bit'.
This was 3 days ago. I have his business card and I have not emailed him. I am tempted - very tempted. I have lost faith in love and I don't believe I will find anyone. Everytime I have opened my heart to a man, it has ended in tears - my tears. Now I have met someone who I know I will never have but that could give me comfort sometimes. At least for a moment I could feel someone's full attention that was not just physical but emotional. As said I am an attractive lady and I don't need an ego boost to know I am sexy. This man seemed to see the rest first i.e respect my mind rather than want my body which felt so good.
I also said to him that this would not have happened if he wasn't married. I would not have trusted him at all. If I would have not invited myself to his suite none of the physical would have happened.
I feel that since its unlikely I will find true love - can't I at least enjoy little crumbs I could have with this man?
He sounds like he is fully committed to his wife and family and enjoyed the little time he had with me on a different level. The fact that he lives thousands of miles away also helps everything stay realistic. Just two people who connect and spend some time together. Sounds simple. Is it?

6:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a 35 year old single lady and by chance met a man who was on a business trip here in London. I was out with a girlfriend and we went for a drink. Long story short he shared our table and we spent about half an hour talking, all three of us.
During our chat he mentioned how he has been married for 25 years and has 3 children who are pretty much grown up.
After one drink we all say goodbye and my girlfriend and I go for dinner. That was that. We thought he was a charming man and said how nice it is to just sometimes meet random people (this is England and people don't talk to strangers as easily as in the US I think!!! - the man was Canadian but still... and I am not English, but originally from Scandinavia).
After dinner I wait for a bus to go home when this man walks past. I say hello and end up showing the way to a bar he was looking for. He asks if I want to join him and I think why not. We talk for 2 hours and I love every second of it. Because he is married and older (48) I feel safe. He talks about his life and his views on a wide range of topics. I open up as I feel someone is truly listening. I tell him about my life and I feel comfortable. There is no hint of flirting what so ever. He talks about his marriage in a respectful way, shows photos etc. We talk about relationships in general and our own experiences.
When the bar closes we walk towards my busstop which is right next to his hotel. It's one of the nicest in town and I invite myself to his suite. I asked if he wanted to carry on chatting and he said yes. And that is what we did for another 2 hours.
I have been unlucky in love and having male company that was so mature just felt incredible. I am attractive and get enough attention out and about but rarely meet someone who wants to talk. It's not like I think that just because a man is married he would never do anything but I felt safe as he had said it straight from the start and us meeting again on the street was a coincidence.
Suddenly the mood changes and I know that if I don't leave the room now we will kiss. How could we not. I cannot leave as I feel that my soul has been fed and I feel so close to this articulate handsome man. We kiss all night but don't go all the way.
He had given me his business card earlier in the bar saying that I was lovely company and he would like to see me again when he is back in town. Maybe to go to see a play or something.
In the morning he says that he would still like to see me and he should be back in London in a couple of weeks. Then he paused and said that he would like to be friends but if he is honest he would probably want more. But that he understands if I was not willing to do that 'more bit'.
This was 3 days ago. I have his business card and I have not emailed him. I am tempted - very tempted. I have lost faith in love and I don't believe I will find anyone. Everytime I have opened my heart to a man, it has ended in tears - my tears. Now I have met someone who I know I will never have but that could give me comfort sometimes. At least for a moment I could feel someone's full attention that was not just physical but emotional. As said I am an attractive lady and I don't need an ego boost to know I am sexy. This man seemed to see the rest first i.e respect my mind rather than want my body which felt so good.
I also said to him that this would not have happened if he wasn't married. I would not have trusted him at all. If I would have not invited myself to his suite none of the physical would have happened.
I feel that since its unlikely I will find true love - can't I at least enjoy little crumbs I could have with this man?
He sounds like he is fully committed to his wife and family and enjoyed the little time he had with me on a different level. The fact that he lives thousands of miles away also helps everything stay realistic. Just two people who connect and spend some time together. Sounds simple. Is it?

6:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ALL OF THESE POSTS ARE TRUE.WAS WITH AMM AND THEY HAD GOTTEN A DIVORCE.BUT IN THE END HE WENT BACK AND THEY ARE STILL DIVORCED.IM HURTING AND ITS BEEN A YEAR.THEY LIE AND WE AS WOMAN ARE VULNERABLE TO THIS.MY FATHER DIED I NEVER HEARD A WORD FROM THE MM.BUT BEFORE MY FATHER DIRD HE SAID MEN LIKE THIS HAVE NO BACKBONE AND THATS THE TRUTH.WOMAN WAKE UP. THIS Mn was with his wife 30 plus years.divorced her and they are in the same house now.IM NOT THE SICK ONE THEY BOTH ARE.WOMAN RUN FROM THESE MM. MAD IN BUFFALO

6:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was in a similar situation to what most of these comments posted on here are about: in a relationship with a married man. He told me how he wanted to leave but needed to stay for the children, him and his wife didn't sleep in the same bed and had no sexual contact. I believed this story for 5 years. What I can tell everyone who is in a relationship with a married man is life is better out of it than suffocating in it. I don't miss the snatched limited time together, the constant insecurity, the jealousy, the questioning on why I'm not good enough that a man who supposedly loves me, refuses to be with me. It was unbelievably difficult to leave but staying destroyed my soul and made my view on love so unhealthy. The most common theme I have read in alot of these posts is how lonely the women are who accept a relationship with a married man. I feel a great deal of pity for these women who display this victim attitute that they love this guy but just can't leave him. You can. It may be the toughest, most gut wrenching thing you do, but the respect you eventually feel for yourself can set you free from the guilt, pain and suffering this type of relationship can promote. Being in a relationship with a married man is a fantasy - how could it not be. The time you have together is not the reality of daily life. And the women that have children, if you can't leave the married man for yourself, could you not do it for your children. Do you really want to model this type of relationship as being normal for your children to replicate later in their adult lives. The only thing you can control or change is yourself.

11:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well my friends after reading all these comments,I am shocked cause all stories are familiar.I can advice anyone from the depth of my heart To RUN FROM A MM.I have been with one four 4yrs and I have suffered time and time again ,the lies and lies never stop.He is a good friend,does all the things a woman would like caring....but at the end of the day he his a married man and a real lady will never feel complete.I have got the courage to walk away ,four year wasted luckily he was someone who support my career so all I can say that he help me.just like prostitute there is no different,I know we make all sort of reason about how genuine the love is I have done that,but just look in the mirror my friend in one second he can call it done if it comes too closed to get involve with wifey.I am sorry that I was so much fool to think that he would ever leave is wife for me,I think I could love him in so many ways,we go on vacations travel the world,I was just is favourite bitch,stop fooling yourself my friend.They never will,get the courage if you want to used them so that they can help you as a individual sad to say Do it,but never let your heart get involve it just cause you pain and suffering.

9:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW. I'm amazed. I literally read ALL the comments on this page and I appreciate everyone's time they have inputted on here. This has opened not only my eyes, but impacted my heart. My heart that "assumes" that I'm in love with a MM.(6 mos) I'm a true believer of loving one for who they are regardless of any type of situation. I accept people and I tend to overlook. I've been burned many times in love and come out SO positive everytime, each a learning experience. My MM is a co-worker. I can only think to myself that all those "intense moments" of "PASSION, LOVE, DESIRE"...it's our minds out of control, not our hearts. We are addicted to finding that CRAVING we desire to be wanted by this MM who in reality isn't wanted by the woman they are married to. So they create, lie, manipulate on women who want the love and desire from a man. And we're trap.
I truly love this MM. I think about him when I wake up, until I fall asleep. I see him more than 40 hrs a week at work. Am I happy with my job. I love my job. Do I believe I love myself? YES, enough that with all the comments on this page has made me true to believe. Just 4 days ago he asked me what I believed in. I said GOD. He replies the ONLY thing he believes in is me...WHY I asked him? He said "because you believe in me". WELL...96 hrs..this independent woman who loves herself has definetely lost her faith in her MM. I'm DONE. I don't cry (for people) and for 2 days...I've wept for this MM. Only emotional, draining pain comes from this. And the best part will be when I WILL get my honest SMILE back at the office, cause ONLY one's happinesses will be the envy of an UNHAPPY person, this MM. Love hurts only to become joyful the next time you LOVE truly. Every woman deserves to be #1. love.

9:47 PM  
Anonymous WF said...

I am in the honorable position of having been married twice to two batters and having been in a relationship with a MM. I have learned a few things that I would like to share with my fellow foolish female friends:

If you feel a married man is being a little too friendly and is hitting on you: RUN!!! Assume he is a scum and you are probably not the only one he has been hitting on.

There is a very good chance that you may not be his first affair. How many other have there been?

Remember that when we meet someone new, we want to assume the best about that person. We want to trust and see the best in him. Chances are, that once he hooks you, you will no longer see him as honorable and charming as when you first met and fell in love.

This man will certainly be lonely, confused, scared, AND in great need of sex. As women, we want to nurture this hurt and make it better, hoping he will appreciate it later on. Probably not on that one.

This new relationship with your MM is built upon a weak or non-existent foundation. There is no need for commitment of any sort (he thinks). Nor will there be in the future unless he makes dramatic changes in his life, which he is probably unwilling to do. It will always be unfulfilling.

Be prepared for CONSTANT frustration!

Though loves you, where a man’s heart lays may not necessarily be where his loyalty is. Remember that your MM has a history closely linked with his wife’s, especially if there are children. She is the mother of his children and deserves respect.

Remember: TALK IS CHEAP!!!! Time will tell how sincere he really is.

To be continued next post:
MK

5:25 PM  
Anonymous WF said...

Continuation:


You will likely fall passionately and completely in love with him in a short amount of time. Plan on a way to handle obsessive thoughts.

Reality checks are a must!

If you have any moral fiber in you, you will experience guilt and a continual battle between your heart and your head for the entire duration of your relationship. This requires energy and can be exhausting.

Men function the best in their comfort zone and often resist change of any kind. (The if-it-ain’t-broke-why-fix-it mentality) Divorce is very threatening to them. They would much rather stay in the miserable and familiar place that they are now in than risk the unknown that a divorce would produce.

Assume that, on some level, he is in denial about the existence of your relationship with him and may even be unwilling to recognize that he is in one with you.

Set and maintain firm boundaries in this relationship. Assertively let him know what they are. Don’t assume that he will respect them and let him slip by this time - call him on it and bark if need be!

Walk into this relationship ready for heartache. Are you strong enough to endure it? Is there an empty hole in your life? Do not fool yourself: he will never be able to fill it and make you feel complete.

DON’T chase him under ANY circumstance. Be especially sure that HE comes to YOU. Men are into the chase and, if a man is not running TOWARDS you, he is probably running AWAY from you. Maintain dignity, ladies!!

Your MM is only on loan to you for a while (though his wife does not know this.) If he has any honor in him, he will shortly end it with you and return back to his wife. Don’t become so attached to him that you can’t live without him. LET HIM GO. Accept that is was bound to end sometime and move on.

Look out for your own interests. As women, we automatically nurture and tend to give without measure. He will gladly accept what you give him FOR FREE, without thanks or appreciation.

Be aware that you are greatly hurting his wife and kids, whether they know about your relationship or not, and that you are doing something morally wrong. Don’t loose sight of this and take ownership of this fact.

His guilty feelings is a good sign: at least he has a conscious.

Don’t fool yourself in thinking you have any future with this MM. The odds are against you.

Don’t let yourself need him in any manner. You will be always disappointed.

SHE is his wife. Not you! You hold no claim upon him. There probably still remains a sense of duty within him to provide financially for her and/or them. This is a powerful sign of loyalty.

What ever stuff has troubled his marriage will eventually and certainly creep into your relationship with him. And, your MM will respond to your gripes in the same manner as he does his wife’s.

Always assume that this maybe the last time you ever see him. All is fair in love and war. You may never know why he suddenly cuts it off. Be prepared.

WF

5:29 PM  
Anonymous WF said...

Continuation:

You will likely fall passionately and hopelessly in love with him in a short amount of time. Plan on a way to handle obsessive thoughts.

Reality checks are a must!

If you have any moral fiber in you, you will experience guilt and a continual battle between your heart and your head for the entire duration of your relationship. This requires energy and can be exhausting.

Men function the best in their comfort zone and often resist change of any kind. (The if-it-ain’t-broke-why-fix-it mentality) Divorce is very threatening to them. They would much rather stay in the miserable and familiar place that they are now in than risk the unknown that a divorce would produce.

Assume that, on some level, he is in denial about the existence of your relationship with him and may even be unwilling to recognize that he is in one with you.

Set and maintain firm boundaries in this relationship. Assertively let him know what they are. Don’t assume that he will respect them and let him slip by this time - call him on it. Bark if need be!

Walk into this relationship ready for heartache. Are you strong enough to endure it? Is there an empty hole in your life? Do not fool yourself: he will never be able to fill it and make you feel complete.

DON’T chase him under ANY circumstance. Be especially sure that HE comes to YOU. Men are into the chase and, if a man is not running TOWARDS you, he is probably running AWAY from you. Maintain dignity, ladies!!

Your MM is only on loan to you for a while (though his wife may not know this.) If he has any honor in him, he will shortly end it with you and return back to his wife. Don’t become so attached to him that you can’t live without him. LET HIM GO. Accept that is was bound to end sometime and move on.

Look out for your own interests. As women, we tend to give without measure. He will gladly accept what you give him FOR FREE, without thanks or appreciation.

Be aware that you are greatly hurting his wife and kids, whether they know about your relationship or not, and that you are doing something morally wrong. Don’t loose sight of this and take ownership of this fact.

His guilty feelings is a good sign: at least he has a conscious.

Don’t fool yourself in thinking you have any future with this MM. The odds are against you.

Your MM may not appreciate your devotion to him and, over time, will take you for granted.

Don’t let yourself need him in any manner. You will be always disappointed.

SHE is his wife. Not you! You have no claim upon him. There probably still remains a sense of duty within him to provide financially for her and their children. This is a powerful sign of loyalty.

What ever stuff has troubled his marriage will eventually creep into your relationship with him. And, your MM will respond to your gripes in the same manner as he does his wife’s.

Always assume that this maybe the last time you ever see him. All is fair in love and war. You may never know why he suddenly cuts it off. Be prepared.
WF

7:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if the MM’s wife is also having an affair herself? Despite ongoing marriage counseling, they both were involved in affairs.
Anyone have any experience with this?

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi,I'm going through the same thing with u I'm in love with a married man who told me that he had a happy family.In the beginning I swear that I don't have any intention 2 break up his family.Unluckily 4 u is his wife came 2 know,till now we r keeping in touch but as friends.Both of is had broken up this relationship 2 years ago,I do respect his decision.I hope u're feeling better now,take care & god bless

4:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was involved with my MM for four and a half years. We had plans to travel after he divorced. He is my best friend and I do love him soo much. I am so tired of waiting for him. He is waiting for all his kids to graduate, but there is always an excuse. Now his wife doesn't even have a job. Just think, he shares the same bed with his wife. How stupid am I? It is so lonely and I feel like I am an awful person. I told him this, but no action has been taken. Just all talk. I told him today I will not see him anymore and he is blaming me. He said my love changed for him. I guess he is trying to make me feel guilty. I know I cannot do this anymore, but it is going to be hard because he is my co-worker. I am unable to quit my job because it pays well and I am a single mom. Any suggestions on how do deal with him at work? I know I am going to feel awful for a while. I wish I never got involved with him, I was on the rebound. I know I will NEVER get involved with another MM and believe all their lies.

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please tell me what to do.

I'm in love with a married man he's 48 and I'm 25. He has been married for 8years and has no children. I've refused to be called his girlfriend. We love each other and I am fully aware that he is married and would never leave his wife for me. Funny enough he says he wishes I was his wife and says one day,I will be shocked.I don't take the fact that we kiss and touch each other seriously. We've only had sex once. How do I end this?this man lives in the next street and he keeps saying he wants to have a baby and be married to me but I feel those are just words said when he is in the moment. I don't actually think he would fulfill those dreams with me.

1:22 PM  
Anonymous WF said...

You have done the right thing by ending it.
Do not doubt this and do not allow yourself to go back to it. Find a therapist, ask for support from people whom you trust will not judge you. Grieve the loss now, it will hurt, it will take time, then move on.

Check out this web site:
http://baggagereclaim.com/
Scroll down a little to the video link on the left that says "Happy New Year", and The No Contact Rule.
I did see something recently about how to handle a co-worker A with MM situation but can't remember where it was. I will let you know if I find it.

7:41 AM  
Anonymous WF said...

Here is something that may help you with your situation:

Coping with a Breakup in the Work Place:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-break-up-drama-in-the-workplace/

WF

7:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the website, WF. I think it will come in handy when I have to face him tomorrow.

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WF I really appreciates your encouragement,We can make our life a living mess I keep entertain the delusion that this MM that I am with is going to make it right,after 4years of lies ,cheating and lies frustration countless time I think I need someone to point a gun to my head so I get some sense and end this relationship immediately. unfortuately currently I went off to do some training and we decided that I would resign my job.How fool can someone be like me to leave my job and know I am with A MM where there is no security.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Finally Seeing da Light said...

I can't tell you how much reading all of your stories has helped me get through the end of my relationship w.my MM. Of course, it ended abruptly once the wife found out for the 3rd time. We started our affair about a year ago. It was just physical at 1st but progressed to both of us having deep feelings for each other. I was going thru issues in my 20 yr marriage & this MM kept pursuing me until I finally gave in. Unfortunately, our families are all friends as our daughters are the same age. Yes, I know! How horrible of a decision that was to cross that barrier. THe 1st time we were found out, He denied everythng to his wife. Since my marriage was already at the point of no return (not bec of my affair) I have since left my husband and filed for divorce. Even though we were found out, we still cont'd to see each other but once I moved out on my own, I tried to end it. I told him that even though it was wrong before that it was even worse now that I'm single. It was then that he said he was leavin his wife. I never asked him to nor do I want him to if he wasn't at that point. He promised me up and down that he is leavin. That was Jul '11 in Jan 2012 he was still with his wife but this time my ex and his wife had joined forces to snoop &found that we were still seein each other. My ex had spyware on my laptop & gave his wife my email/password. MM&wife fought, said they're on the path of divorce they need to work out finances/living arrangement & 3 daughters. It was gonna take time BUT he needed to end communication with me in the meantime so that he can work out as smoothly as possible their divorce process. He still called me & a few days after being confronted He came over to my house told me straight up! He loves me, we r going to b together, held my face & looked me in my eyes,said "he's getting a divorce its a done deal!!" Well its been 3 weeks, he's still living at home. He calls me from time to time to give me an update on where they are (no change but thats not surprising). After reading all the stories on here, I see how apparent it is that he is NOT leaving! Its hard because I believed him! I believed what we had! He's so convincing when he talks about our future together! Because of this blog, I have had the power to put things in perspective. I was so hurt and cried everyday after this happened but today I feel stronger now knowing that this is a behavioral pattern for these men. That we were their outlets and in fact enablers of helping cope and stay in their marriages. I've read that we need to cut off all communication from them but bec I am in a good place and know that I am worthy of someone's 110% commitment, I am not thrown off when I speak to him. I even met up with him for lunch but felt better that I was that one that told him, we can only be friends and we can be more if and when his divorce is finalized. Even then, I think I'd be very leary of him and don't know how well I can trust him. So you see ladies, when a relationship starts off with lies and deception, its hard to see how it can blossom into a full blown trustworthy relationship. Time is all I can say is on our side. Time to heal, time to reveal the truth and time to know your worth! Good luck to all the women that are affected by this, both, the other woman and esp the poor wife that doesn't deserve this. Btw, I've been on both sides....am not proud of myself for doing this to another woman esp since I knew her. It was awful to do but I got so caught up on the feelings and attention that my MM was giving me that I didn't think about anyone else. I'm working on my issues now too and will NEVER EVER get involved with a MM again!

11:00 AM  
Anonymous WF said...

Re: Finally see the light of day

Kudos for finally seeking "the light "!

Affairs are addictions. This is why they produce such intensely powerful feelings of love, despite the reality of the situation. Our sense of right and wrong is seduced into making compromises that we normally would never think of making. Its like a flipping on a switch which we swore would never be turned on again.

You are correct in saying that you could never trust him in a future committed relationship. He would use the same coping skills - an affair - in your relationship when hard times set in.

I am in a similar place as you - resolved and thinking that I am strong enough to resist anything more than a friendship. It has been several months since I last saw my MM, though we have emailed a couple times. We ended on relatively good terms.

However, BEWARE: We are still dealing with an addiction and the seductive thinking it produces. For both for us and them. As such, we need to treat ourselves and the MM like a recovering alcoholic or addict.

Stay real!!

7:47 AM  
Blogger Finally Seeing da Light said...

Thank u WF! It's such a comforting and grounding relief to get advice and words of encouragement from those that are going thru the same thing. I am trying to be as real as possible! In fact, that's what's given me the strength to move on! I see how quickly, I was disregarded while MM was in self preservation mode! Keeps it very real on how I was made to feel like some piece of sh!t! But ur right it's an addiction, I have my good days (thank goodness more of those now) and some bad days! I miss him sooooo much but then I keep reminding myself....what I'm missing is not even real! I have so many doubts about what was real and what wasn't!! That's def keeping me grounded! So sad that so many of us women, both OW and wives, have to go thru this!! Bec when this all went down, I've always told him, I understand if u can't go thru with leaving ur family, believe me, I was having a hard time with him doing that! Bec unlike him, I was completely checked out of marriage and felt even though I also have 3 kids that I was doing them more injustice by staying in an Angry environment....where as MM says its hard for him to leave his daughters. Anyway, he still insisted that he was leaving....well we know the ending to that! He is now "supposedly" getting his basement fixed to live down there bec they r in no position to live on their own! Sounds like BS to me! Lol...anyway as u said! I'm finally seeing the light!!

7:18 PM  
Anonymous WF said...

Finally Seeing da Light:

Beware of the basement apartment thing. I found that it makes the MM having his feet in both situations that much easier for him to juggle.

Remind yourself that the intense missing of him is the really the addiction still controlling you.

While there are times when I do miss my MM, the friendship, the good times, etc., the bad did ultimately outweigh the good. This is my reality check.

Stay strong!
WF

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. The timing of finding this post is impeccable. Last week I ended my relationship with a married man I met at work. He has been married for 17 years but says that his marriage is dead and he stays only for his 13 year old son and the financial hardship he would face by divorcing. I was divorced myself 6 years ago after finding out my then husband was cheating with my neighbor. My value system and personal experience would NEVER have allowed me to even think of dating a married man in the past, yet I met this man and somehow put aside everything I believed in. We told ourselves it would just be a one time sex thing...but found we had so much in common, it didn't stop there. Nine months later, I am deeply in love, lulled by his promises to marry in the future, attempts for a baby together, feelings that he has "never" had before, not even with his wife, and a million other wonderful fairy tales. I've grown so tired of the lies, the stolen moments, the looks of fear when someone he knows sees us together, the loneliness and pain each holiday, each night I lay by myself. He says he can't hurt those who are innocent in this by leaving right now, and I would never want to cause another woman the pain I endured when I was married. But I sit and think that if he loved me the way he says he does, then why is MY pain so easy for him to bear?? So before she finds out, before anyone can be hurt besides me, I told him I was done. I stopped answering his calls and texts. But he keeps coming by my house. He says he believes in fighting for who he loves and attacks my feelings for him because I find it so "easy" to walk away. He says hes hurting, hasn't slept or eaten for days, and wonders how I can throw away something that is so beautiful. And while I hate that I'm hurting him, I somehow can't get it out of my head that while I lay in my bed, crying myself to sleep with only my pillow to help console my pain, he has his wife, warm and real, laying next to him for solace.

Maybe I'm wrong, but tonight I sent one final text goodbye to him because today he came by, yet again, because he wants at least to be friends, to have some small part of me in his life because he can'tbear anything less....as he tries to kiss and make love to me. I sent this text to tell him to leave me alone once and for all....right before I changed my phone number. No looking back and won't ever answer my door for him again. I pray God forgives me and gives me the strength to never again become involved in something I said I would never do.

There are no happy endings. Only pain. But the last week, and tonight all over again, even though I hurt, I can finally look in the mirror again and like who I see.

3:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This sight is so incredible for those of us that have the awful experience of MM. Like many, I thought I would never EVER be in such a mess. It has screw with my mind, heart and soul. I began to question do I know what love is. Because to love a cheating man is simple wrong and pathetic. I fell for a shit head that has no good intentions for me. I asked him will you ever to right by me. NO Answer of course. He doesn't know what that even means b/c he is so self absorbed. My life of 4 years is finally turning around and I feel better with each passing day. In the morning hours I have a little sadness but once I get up and start moving about...and read a lil from this sight I feel much better. I have to talk to myself and remember all the times he treated me like shit. You see my MM was a complete ass to me in the beginning. It was so clear that he was using me and I let him do it. There is a book I read, amongst the many to help me get through this, called love and Llimerance. Read it and discover what this infatuation is and what you have to tell you mind to do. Leave or never begin like a MM. Trouble. God says when you find a wife you find a good thing. I know I want to be that to a man and He is not the guy. He is a cheater and will never be right for me. My kids know about him and in the beginning did not like him. My son heard me having sex with him and it really upset him. One of the very few times I did. Of course, it was at my home and I was so uptight about the whole thing. What a fool I was to let him come into my house. Over the years my daughter saw me so upset and struggling with depression b/c of HIM...recently she said MOM..I like Patrick but don't like to see you hurt...BINGO. I want to be a role model for her to have a right relationship....not a wrong and terrible painful one. It is bad enough that she doesn't have a good father; why allow a cheating man in my home. Never again. Been there, done that...healing...and whole again..grace of God will help me see again and love again and good man that wants to be a part of my life in a healthy way. I hope what I post helps anytone out there struggle with this sickness in the world. I am a virtuous woman...not an adulterous one.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi I am a widow after 32 years. I am still young 51. I started a new job and I am attracted to a coworker. Yes he is married I think around 30 years. But I am just looking for some good sex and effection. I am not looking to be a home wrecker. No strings attached. My husband was a sweet man my soul mate so I comptroller want a relationship. I was thinking of asking him out for a drink. I have never done this.

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doesn't it feel good to know that yo your not alone. I have been dating my married man for one year four months. When we first met he lied to me about not having a wife.When I found out he actually had one I got devastated but I couldnt leave. He promised to marry me as a second wife(that is actually possible in Africa) and i bought it. But every time he would find an excuse to postponed our wedding. Soon it became evident he wasn' going to keep his word.
I got the wife's number and called her. She sounded upset but it was clear that she was not going to leave her. I finally left on 01/04/2012. Then had a slip yesterday he called and we hooked up and undressed.
Of course I have beaten myself down for eroding such progress. But I am clear about one thing. I am always going to be hid option, and certainly dont want that. He will NEVER leave the wife. With this clear, I will count my losses and devise a plan to keep off.
I deserve a man who makes me a priority. In Swahili they say "kupotea njia ndio kujua njia" meaning to lose your way is to find it. I lost mine for so long, but am getting on the right path. One far far far away from a man that's taken.

2:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How did this end?

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont have even the guts to post this thru my mail Id.. :(..Well iam in relationship with a MM,but when we started the affair,he wasn't married.But he married after we were in a relationship(??) and after marriage also he sees me.and it is very hard for me to move out...I just wish God shall open the ground and take me away,,that is the only way i can keep off from him..Sad very sad but true.....now also tears are rolling from eyes..i dont know...why i am doing this to myself and why i am too weak to move from him.But one thing is true..I am very very happy when i am with him..Presently i had decided to continue in this relationship even with thoughts of guilt ,insecurity and down the lane ,a day comes when he leaves me and i will be wrecked by that time...let it be but now i cannot move from this relationship.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in that same situatuion. We have been in each others lives for 8 years. His family pressures him really hard. He married his wife a year ago an they have a 3 year old. He claims that's why he married her, and everyone in his family that has kids married their mothers. He was around me every day, and still is. He tells me he loves me and I make him happy but he can't just walk out on the 3 year old and he doent want to be a weekend dad. It hurts me all the time cause I feel like I'm watching his life from the side. He doent want to be a weekend dad I understand that. However he can tell me he loves me so much but you can settle for being my weekend lover. Why can't I walk away from this. Please someone help me understand. At one point I felt we were soul mates but had that been the case he never would have had that 3 year old and I would have been his wife right. We recently found out that we are hiv postive. All 3 of us. He has it the worst. I still don't think he is being 100% honest about where this came from. I am so lost and I feel like I have lost out on life for what I thought was love. He was someone that I trusted. He protected me from everything but himself.

8:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in that same situatuion. We have been in each others lives for 8 years. His family pressures him really hard. He married his wife a year ago an they have a 3 year old. He claims that's why he married her, and everyone in his family that has kids married their mothers. He was around me every day, and still is. He tells me he loves me and I make him happy but he can't just walk out on the 3 year old and he doent want to be a weekend dad. It hurts me all the time cause I feel like I'm watching his life from the side. He doent want to be a weekend dad I understand that. However he can tell me he loves me so much but you can settle for being my weekend lover. Why can't I walk away from this. Please someone help me understand. At one point I felt we were soul mates but had that been the case he never would have had that 3 year old and I would have been his wife right. I am now living with hiv from my lover. His wife is also. You really have to be careful. Never in a million years did I see this for my future. He still tellin me he loves me and can't live without me. But staying on the side in his life playing the waiting game has took life from me. I took for granted that I had a choice to have my own life husband and family. I trusted him. He took care of my every need. He protected me from everything but himself. I said the same thing. I ain't letting go that easy. If I give up I want no what coulda been or might have been. But I have that same feeling now with hiv. Yea being caught up in that moment feels good at them times. You never really think bout all the different ways it can play out. You always just see either he is gona leave his wife or he isnt. Let me wait it out. But when you faced with what I'm faced with and you need him more than you did before and you have to share that time with the wife and family. The hurt really gona way heavy on you. It hurts to be alone and it hurts having to share what you love so much. But you gona hurt more if you are put in a situation where u no longer have choices

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have been with a married man 4 months now & he is taking good care of me buying me stuff,he is 43 years old and im 26 years his wife is expecting the 3rd child i know what ive got myself into but i just cant help it.it hurts to see him with his wife & it hurts when we dont talk for days but reading your comments ladies makes me think twice about him,even though its going to hurt me emotionally & financially but im leaving him while there is still time.

1:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been, or was, involved with a married man, for 21 months now. We started out as friends, met in a 12 step program, he was there for me. We were best of friends, we talked, and then we got closer. He told me he fell in love with me, I did with him. We saw each other at meetings, then, he and I had one night a week. He lied to his wife about where he was. We then started to see each other every day. He would come by in the morning before work. He would call me every day we would talk for a hour or more. Then it all started to come to a end. We did not talk as much. His wife was asking about the phone number, on the bill. I idid not know this at the time. Then, I was getting messed up in this affair. He said he wanted to leave his wife for me. One time early in the affair, he said he worked to hard all those years, to loose what he had. He was retired. she is, they have a couple of grandkids. They have all the holidays, while I am alone and wondering if he will be by. Mothers day, they all went to the beach and had a all day affair. I never even got a call. We have our own phone line, so it is not on his phone anymore. We were together on Thursday, that is our night. she called and he took her call. I was feeling, like this is my night with him, do not take her calls, even though I know he needs too. It was a strange moment and I said the serenity prayer, then he told me, she knew, She called to tell him to get his %#@^&*! @&! home! He left, and at that moment, I felt that was the last time we were together, I felt that everything he said, to me, was a lie. I have been praying for a sign of what to do. I think I got it. He had just told me, how he could hardly wait to go to sleep with me, wake up with me, spoil me like I deserve. I have been believing him. I feel his love. It is all in his court, it will be 2 days and I got a missed called, (that was our way to say I am ok) that was it. He said he was going to tell her, why, that he loved me, his marriage was not working, I feel like if he had, I would have heard from him by now. Just Hi, I told her... I do not think he did. I read a blog that we all think we are the one, that he will leave for, we are special. He always was telling me, how special I am, how deep he loves me. I guess now I will know. It can only go 2 ways at this point. He will leave her, or it will be over with us. It can never be us again, his wife will never let him out. He complained about being sick she tells him he cannot leave the house. He will find out what real lockdown is, ( as he use to call it ) I sit here like a fool. I just want to be with me, now. Get stronger, go thru my steps and become a wiser and better person thru this. I will run the next time anyone tells me that they are married. If they are that unhappy in it, they will leave, as I did after 27 years of marriage. I left mine, having an affair with someone for all the reasons, I have read, and it did not end up good for me. I could not stand my guilt for what I did, and wanted to end my life, that is when I met this man and he so understood what i was saying about my marriage, as he was in the same boat. I left mine, when I got found out. Now I will see what he does. I really was unhappy. Is he? It is time for me to move on, and grow. Time to let go of him. I know I deserve more than one night a week, no birthdays, holidays. more than what I am settling for. I read if he cheats on his wife he will cheat on you. we talked about that. He promised me he would never cheat on me when we are together. I believe him. My friend told me of the guy she was was having a n affair, she was his soul mate, he left his wife, and live with her,and now he doing the same. All this came at the same time, Now is that a sign? Is there a man out there that cheated on his wife and left her, for the other woman and is true to her? Is that not possible?

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we met on one of these online web cam rooms and started talking because we both live in the same state. At first he didn't tell me he was married, i saw the ring on his finger so i asked. He said "yes im married, and if it changes things its okay" i didn't let that bother me. I mean we would never continue to have a relationship right? i was wrong at the end of our conversation via web cam. we had made plans to meet up and exchange numbers. After that night we talked and text-ed for hours during each day.I would ask about his wife or he would bring her up in our conversations. It never really bothered me until he had to move out of his house and had no place to go while his wife would be staying with a friend. I asked why he wasn't planning on staying with her and he said because there is really no room for him there. I thought what kind of woman would look for a place to stay for only her and not her husband. If that was me it would be were ever my man goes i go. That was just the beginning. She would tell him to come over to the friends house and tell him that she would be there and when he would show up she wouldn't be.Then text him and tell him that she's not there. He would call me all stressed out and mad. I started not to feel sorry for her because of her actions. We finally met up on June 30 2012 it started of so perfect. We talked laughed and watched a movie. After i drove him back into the city were we dropped off his bike at a shelter he was staying at and parked in a K-mart parking lot. We talked, ask questions. Then one thing led to another and we had sex. I asked him are you sure you wanna do this? and he told me yes. After he felt so guilty. I drove home that night asking myself was what we did wrong? and should i have stopped him? The next day he told me that this was all a mistake and that its over and that if i could please leave him alone.Just like that. I felt so hurt and mad at myself because i let the situation go to far. I fell for the man. I care about him. I was the person that was always there for him. I wish that i was the women that met him first. Things happen for a reason all i can do now is move on and hope for the best.

9:46 PM  
Anonymous kannu said...

i m 20 yrs old n m in relationshp wid my boyfrn nw since 8 yrs..
6 mnths ago he get married 2 sm1 else..
v both were aware of d fact dat v cnt marry each othr...coz he wz my long distance relativ...
he z 4 yrs elder 2 me...initially it wz jst infatuation n attraction bt it turned true love later on...
v hd physicl relation 3 mnths ago since 1 year...i lv him n he lvs me 2...
v dnt meet n talk much...
n wil nt get physicl agn..
u dont hv 2 achieve sm1 u lv...
loving sm1 u luv 4eva is d true love...
m tryin 2 move on...
n v both wnt 2 c each other happy...n nthng lze....
meeting n having sex is nt love....
its jst a feelin...which is so pure dat evrythng in frnt of it appears weak n small....
true love neva ends...it hurts bt by seeing each other happy heaals evry wound...
n i cn proudly say 2 myslf dat i lv him...
i get true lv in lyf...n d 1 i lv...oso lvs me....m very lucky.....

11:26 AM  
Anonymous kannu said...

i suggest evry grl 2 js groom demselves so dt dere mind will b diverted frm d pain...it wl hlp u improve u n js use dis pain 2 bcm more ambitious...
plzzz....gettin in2 dis wil only hurt u..
girlsssss dnt js stay at home..go out enjoy...
spnd tym in grooming urselves..2 luk beautiful..rather dan shedding tears wich is useless...
stay independent...n try 2 b independent..
being dependenet on men wil increase deir pwr 2 rule grls...
show ol d men dat v dnt need dem...dey need us....
v grlsss rock!!

11:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the same boat I have bin with a married man for almost a year we would spend almost all of his free time from work together I would even sometimes be at work with him hanging out we fell so deeply in love he tells me he loves me he would do anything for me yet he is still with his wife. She recently found out a month n a half ago n since then our relationship down spiraled I can't let go of him I love him to the point I feel he's my soul mate how can a person keep hurting n dragging someone along like this I wish love would just kick rocks!

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You give me so much hope and faith in my life I am a complete mess right now I'm with a MM and I have so much guilt and pain idk how you left the man you were with it hurts without him and it hurts to be with him I'm so confused I feel like a puppet being controlled by his words I pray every night I need to find a way to escape I hope one day I can be aspiring like you thank you for this post!

7:21 AM  
Anonymous kannu said...

grls plzzzzz plzzzz...i reqst u ol 2 js engage in sm wrk dat wil groom u...n js spend ur tym in inmprovin urselves...js dont waste ur tym...keep urself stylish...
trendy...b independent..
mk aims in ur lyf...try 2 achieve dem...dis wil divrt ur mind frm dis pain..
n wil hlp u keep bzy...
d pain wil gradually decrease...

10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had to seek some kind of help ... Because i also am in the same situation..I am now 24 years old ( just turnt 24) and at the age of 20 I also met a married man and started dating him , and yes knowingly! But he told me so many times , " I'm not happy " " we are getting a divorce " and " I LOVE YOU '' .. he was sooo good to me , I really thought that he was my soul mate after coming out of a young long term relationship ( puppy love ) he made me feel so loved , I met him at my job and it all started from there . 3 1/2 years together , on Aug 8, 2011 I had my first child and yes his child .... On fathers day this year a month ago I seen pictures of him and his wife and two kids all together happy and my heart just dropped because I waited and i waited for him and believe all his lies , that he couldn't leave just yet because of his kids , or that his wife would take everything and for me to give him time that he really loves me and wants to be with me . So I gave him time . I only seen him on days he worked , never on Sundays or Monday's , and after 5 o'clock for 3 1/2 years we never talked after that time . I loved him and i still do . So we argued and argued about when was he going to finally be with me for good and i kept getting the same ole excuses , but silly oh how silly I was to believe that it would one day happen . So after seeing these pictures of all of them together happy ( which he lied and said that they weren't happy as a family and never did things together ) I just snapped and called his wife cell phone and told her everything because i was just so HURT but more of JEALOUS ... But the real reason I decided to go ahead and let it all out was basically giving him a headstart I thought on leaving her, but boy was I wrong , he turnt into a completely different man once his wife fount out , I literally heared him on the phone begging her , crying that she don't leave him .. so now I am a 24 year old single parent , its been a month now that this all has happened and he hasn't called me , nor checked on our daughter that we have together , NOTHING! Am I hurt yes , do I somewhat regret what I did OH YES ! even tho things were the way they were with us I was still happy in my life with him , he made me so happy , and i really thought he loved me ... Til this day I still cry every night , I can't sleep nor eat , and i tell myself to be strong for my daughter but sometimes its just so hard ... How can he just completely erase us out his life so fast and easy , that's what I ask myself everyday ? Is he thinking about me , does he still love me , will he call me ?? His wife has made it clear that she not letting him leave her , especially to be with a young beautiful 24 year , with her being 36 years old oh and yes he's 35 11 years older than me .. she's said to me he has cheated on her multiple times its never been for 3 years and a baby ... So what do i do , how do i get over this , I'm so HURT , I just can't find the strength to move on ...

4:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was with a married for about 1.5 years. we met at work. He told me that he and his wife were living together but did not have a relationship. So we started dating and he would always spend the night a my apartment unless ne had to work. However recently I found out I was pregnant and this man's reaction was shocking. He started to talk about not having money, and ask questions like why how did my controception fail like i was the reason for it failing, and all sort of rubbish. He went on to tell me that he could not talk to me about what was happening and basically left me to deal with it on my own. Needless to say, i never called him again, its been about 4 weeks or so. last week he called me at work on my cell phone and i did not answer. I know some of you may say i should have expected it but i was still supprised. I have since learned from my mistake. and the other great news is that the pregnancy test result was actually a false positive, I was never pregnant. I told him the true results. But I will never deal with him again.

2:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This makes me feel not so out of place. I have an 8 year old with a married man. Not until last year when I filed for child support did his wife know. I gave him so much including my silence. Now I feel disgusted and embarrassed with myself. For allowing myself to always be second.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This sounds a lot like my story... my guy and I have an eight month old, he told his wife 2 weeks ago that he was unhappy and felt they needed to divorce, she agreed, but she is having her baby today... He also said they weren't having sex, but after she found out I was pregnant she started going to the dr to see how she could conceive and one night out of nowhere, while he was asleep on the sofa, she came and got on him... womp womp womp, I'd heard her tell him before that he never has to worry about her having sex with him, so if she trapped him... that's sad and if he's lying (like he always did) that's sad too.. honey he got saved over and over again until he waa so horny that he couldn't take it anymore... I'm so hurt about this baby, and people don't think that we have a right to be hurt, but we are human too and we hae feelings... he said he's leaving, but he's done that before and each time she calls and curses him out and tells him everything he's not and he feels bad and goes back. She even told him that he was so predictable! I thinl he needs to grow the hell up and let this chic see what life would be like without him. It's time out for dead end relationships, life is too short. I guess I'm going to have to deal with letting these 5 years go...

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the sme situation involved with a married man. We have. been together for 4 months and I have fallen in love with him. I know I shouldn't have but I did. We never talk about our relationship except that we love what we have and want to keep it for a long time...he has never said that he was going to leave his wife and I have tried to accept what we have. It's hard to walk away because of the love I have for him, sometimes we just need to "cowgirl " up and walk away.....

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I m in the same situation right now I m currently involved with a married man for 6 years now we have two kids. Reading some of the comments makes me realize hod dumb and stupid I was for dating a married man. Now til this day I'm so depress hurt and lost he says he divorced her already and I've always talk to him about us getting married some how that's the subject that he never wants to talk about it we always ended up arguing or him saying one thing hurtful or curse me out it bothers me so much in the inside I just totally had a breakdown:( I never felt so hopeless and worthless in my life I wish I can take it back but every time I think about it what have I done now 3 years later his ex wife now wants to cool things off because he had twins with her. Sometimes when we go over to visit the girls and she's there I felt so awakarrd confuse and depress that I can never be the wife someday. Sometimes I just sit there and criedy eyes out, I me his family I get along good with his sister not the brother I don't think he likes me at all. But I've notice his mom being sending her letters through mail and I would see cards on her table saying shes the best daughter- in law and makes me feel disguise and worthless that his mom have such a close relationships with her not me:( it hurts to be in this situations and I regret it for the rest of my life;(!!!!!sometimes I feel like he farvoite her kids and my second his mom spends more time with her kids then mine which is hurtful at time!!!!! But I really don't like his mom sometimes I feel she's so fake to me and I never talk or call her I just wish I have someone that can love me and wants to commit to me forever reading some of the comment realize how hard it's is for me to be with him and espeacially the kids:( sometimes I just want to get up and leave take my kids and never look back I cried for days and hours just hate myself for being this women so please help me he always tell me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me so I didn't see any proof o divorce papers???? I need help

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am the wife who was dumped for "the other woman" and to give some of you hope, yes you can get a man away from his family. But be prepared, his kids will reject you, you will lose friends, respect in community, possibly even your job. I believe that the huge thing you are feeling is based upon the high of being more important than the wife and kids to this man. That will become boring when he divorces her for you. Now you are stuck with a boring man who has severe character flaws. After all, he deserted his family. When will he desert you? As for the ones who won't leave the wife because "its jst not the right time yet." It will never be the right time. He has it made. He has the stability of his marriage, and you to provide excitement. I took it for four years, waiting for him to come to his senses. I finally filed, and he was so angry because i messed up his perfect scenario. Now he has her, and he bores her to death. Something quite unromantic about living together, picking up his dirty underwear, listening to him pass gas, snore pay bills, etc. No more secret romantic get-aways, he cant afford it since he lost half of all he owned to me, his ex-wife. I was married to him for 28 years, i earned it. Good luck, but remember, you are devestating children. Mine were in their twenties when it happened, but that doesnt mean they hurt less.

9:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in a relationship with a married man. He is 14 years older than I. He has grown children and grand children. For the last 4 years one child and grandchildren have lived in the house. I've travelled all over with him. I love him greatly and he was the first one to say he loved me in this relationship. I said I would not live this way but I have allowed it. He wife knows about me and has contacted me. I've had had to block her numbers. He has always said he was leaving because he loved me so much. He lives in another state. We've always seen each other once or twice a month. He said he not in love with his wife and hasn't for many years. As time goes on I'm finding him texting e then texting her, emailing me then emailing her, face timing me the face timing her. I've started pushing and pushing for him to make a change. He keeps saying he is and will. Now gets angry and hangs up on me. He says that I'm negative. He said that he wants to be with me but doesn't think it will work out for us. He's stopped taking call shifting blame on me. I've done everything in my power of incorporating him into my life and world. Including friends and family. Now he wants to hurt me. I've decided he is a coward and he is a pathological liar. He just left the country for a few days. He's pulled these stunts many time. Thanksgiving last year, January, February, and April. Now thanksgiving again. Then always contacts me and apologizes, and says it will never happen. First he said he would leave when the wife was better, then he said he would leave when the daughter moved out. Both have happened and I've been pushing it. Now he says I'm negative and he says he never thought I would be negative. When he contacts me, I'm not available any longer. I finally have my strength about it and have a great support system. Wish I had done it before it started. It's hard, I cry, I'm upset, he is the biggest coward ever.

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel very sad for everyone here. I am sure you are hurting. My advice to you all is: if you fall for a married man, know what you're getting into. Don't let yourself believe he will leave her. If you are looking for love, wonderful sex, exciting times, and caring, then yes, this will work for you. If you are looking for marriage, a family of your own, the "ideal" life, this is not for you. I was with a married man for the better part of a year. We fell in love with each other, and he told me to give him six months to get his wife "set up to be on her own". I left him. I couldn't let him ruin his happy marriage with a woman he clearly loved just in hopes that it would work with me. He got hurt, told me he couldn't even talk to me anymore, and I haven't heard from him in the 3 years since. Fast forward to now, I am with a married man again. Not because that's what I was looking for. He's a good man, has an adorable child, and a beautiful wife. But his marriage is not happy right now, and I am there for him. I love him dearly, but I don't expect this to be long term. Once she wants to have sex with him again, I will back out of this as well. My point is, I enjoy being loved by these men while they have the love to give. I'm not expecting forever.

12:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted Dr.Ancient from ANCIENT BENIN SHRINE for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr. Ancient contact him through ancientbeninshrine@gmail.com

12:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm also in sort of the same situation..... I have been with a married man for six years and have broken up with him again. I'm in extreme pain but know that if I don't force myself to walk away, I will be the only one losing wasted time not him. He continues to spend the holidays with his family and is on vavcation without a worry in the world. I know that he doesn't feel any of my pain but yet all I want is to be with him. I pray really hard and remind myself that he doesn't LOVE me he is only using me....

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good for you..... I just did the same after 6 1/2 years of on & off again. I'm in extreme pain from a broken heart.... But the worst part is that I wasted all that time for nothing. With a person who is sooo selfish that all they did wz live a lie! I will pray for all women who have been deceived by married men! God Bless....

10:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So today I wish I could check my self in mental institution ,I should admit I am an addict just like other who suffer from other addiction .Yes I am involve in relationship with a married man,I am not proud of myself but my action this morning say otherwise,either I am sick or strickly evil.

So I met this older man 5yrs ago,I took it likely since I knew he was married I never had any expectation .Just similar as you all,but as we get closer the attraction begins and I lose control of myself and heart.This morning I call his home and speak with his wife like I am the wife.Isnt that wrong well this isn't the first time.I told her exactly what I was feeling ,that sick right no one deserve this pain and shameless behaviour.I told her that I am I love with her husband,a liar a cheater isn't that crazy.This man as become my world,never had I had a friend like him caring,loving he let me feel sometimes like I am the only girl in the world.thats the high point then I reach at the low where I feel like I am a bitch and a prostitute as is wife refer.How can I hurt such innocent lady loving and caring for cheater.Does cheater fall in love yes they does.I know he loves me a lot .I see the pain in his eyes when I am hurting and he seem helpless since as they all say they are just in it because of the child .


Please don't judge me,I already know I am a loser that need serious help.I know it's coming to an end I can't take it anymore .I am 30years old no family yet,I have a great career ahead,he been to me more than my dad,all my major examination he took me to ,help me to study provide the best thing for me.So how do I get the strength to turn away from the one person who as shown more interest in my development,I know I see a lot about sex but our relationship is far beyond sex,we spend holidays and every time we can.Its wrong I know but I feel like a gay who know that it's wrong to sex another man,I feel helpless because it's a sin and it eating me out,I become so sick couple months ago and I am still emotional wreck.How do I turn my life in a new direction ,help please!!!!

I just take this medium and encourage ladies to run from a married man.Dont get as wasted as I am 5 yrs !!! Mixed with happiness + sadness =0

Hi therapist I need help .I try several time lastnite I wrote to let him go and this morning I find myself calling his house since I know she was there.I am in dangerous spot.I need help. Just refer to me as crazy girl.Thank you.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So it's a daily struggle ,the sad thing I am alone no friends in a temporary accommodation setting since I am in job transition.

So yesterday I stir up trouble at his home, I haven't heard from him since,I know deep down this what exactly was going to happen.I am sorry for is wife but who cares about me,I didn't pursue him yes I should have get involve with him but it's hard when you are a single woman and you start dating a married man ,who told you getting a divorce and he high profile man,so for a second I never thought he wanted mistress ,since he never hide me in our little community.

I feel lost since I can't tell anyone my pain since they are going to say ,I told you so.I did it and I want to own up to my actions it was wrong.It brought me so much pain,the sleepless night,the feeling of guilt ,I was at his place last week and this week is wife his there.Just imagine we sleep on the same bed,that's nasty.I just keep believing his lies that they are separated and don't even look on Big Cheater that I involve with.How can you be so wicked to your wife.

I am even more evil since I constantly stay by his place since the his wife travel a lot or he make it that way ,they have another home in another country.It's sad story but I pray for forgiveness and that God will give me the strength to cope each day without him,since I made him the centre of my life ,living in illusion yes he know how to treat a lady.

He is good man yes I curse him a lot but I think he need help just like myself.I think every relationship are different , its end the same way though.Today his perfect family in church and I am loser here.I wonder if ever think on the evil he brought to my life.I keep saying its ok but I am hurting so badly since I am not working it's all up in my brain.I am here alone no family.

Anyways I happy for this blog just keep reading and see that my life is no way different,they are all liar cheater and it's past time I wake up and look in the mirror that I am been used .

I think he gone for good this best think ever happen to me ,I can finally go out and see the world meet new people since I have been living in his world.I know I need some professional help.

Don't judge me!!! I think it's sickness once you get into it you are gone.So my friend please stay away from a married man.After this I don't ever will even have conversation with a married man.I gone through hell 5 yrs.I just pray this is the end and I have the coverage to stand on my feet and tell him to go hell if he call me back which I doubt it,since he on look down since I have burst his secret and lies.

7:22 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home