PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach, posts articles and information regarding a variety of psychological issues confronting people every day. In addition, he responds to questions about relationships, sexual difficulties, and other concerns that have been submitted through his website.

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Location: Santa Monica, California, United States

Saturday, October 15, 2005

She Loves Him, But Doesn't Like Him

I love my husband but I don't like him as a person. We have two kids together whom we both adore. But he can be a very cold hearted, insensitive jerk whom no one wants to deal with. And on top of everything else, he has such a short temper that everything upsets him and we end up not speaking for days at a time. Our vacations and holidays routinely get ruined because we get into an argument over something or other. Believe me, some of those reasons are so menial it's not even worth mentioning. I've been with him 10 years and almost divorced once before, but nothing seems to work. I try to deal with his attitude the best way that I can, but I'm running out of patience. What do I do with the relationship?

You love your husband, but you don’t like him. You both love your kids. Is the marriage that you have and is the way in which you and your husband interact the model you both wish to imbed in your children? Your children’s attitudes about marriage, about men and women, are being formed by watching you and your husband. Exposing them to your husband’s outbursts, to his coldness, and your silence, is not in their best interests. Perhaps if you suggest to your husband that since you know he adores the children, he is not serving them well by letting his temper get out of control. Ask him what he thinks your children’s memories will be of family vacations. Ask him if he would like for your daughter to marry a man who treats her the way in which he treats you. Ask him if he would want his son to treat his wife the way he treats you. Ask him if he would like your children to have a marriage like yours. Tell him, if he does not like the picture, he must do something to change it. Your children will model after you. What you do matters and will affect them for the rest of their lives. If this catches his attention, suggest that you both seek the help of a marriage counselor and that he seek the help of a psychologist specializing in anger management. If this does not catch his attention, then it might be necessary for you to follow through on thoughts about separation. Sometimes a mule needs to be hit over the head with a two-by-four just to catch his attention!

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