Too Little Affection

My husband is leaving me because he says I don't show him enough affection. I grew up in a home that was emotionally distant. My siblings and I never showed any signs of affection to my parents or to each other and and my parents did not show affection toward us. It has never been a problem, because we understand that we all care and love each other. I told my husband that I would go to counseling to work on how can learn to show affection. I would like to explain to him this is a legitimate issue and that a lot of people experience it. He says that I'm the only one with this issue and I can easily solve it by changing. Is there a name for this problem, so I can show him this is legitimate and I need help with it?

You are quite right in believing that there are many people who, because of upbringing, early childhood experiences, and cultural factors, have difficulty being demonstrative with their affection. You are to be applauded and encouraged for your willingness to seek professional help. When children are raised in an unemotional, unaffectionate environment, they often experience various forms of attachment difficulties ranging from difficulty in forming intimate relationships, sharing feelings, feeling comfortable with physical contact, being emotionally detached from people, and so on. The list goes on with many variations.

In some cultures it is very common for people, men and women, hug and kiss one another as a way of greating one another; men kissing men and holding hands is just as common for women. In some cultures and some families it is frowned upon for two men to embrace. Without exploring your specific circumstances it would be difficult for me to tell whether your difficulties are culturally learned behaviors or whether there is an underlying attachment issue or other psychological difficulty with physical intimacy. That would be the function of the trained professional with whom you choose to consult.

Affects of Statutory Rape

My boyfriend had his first sexual encounter at age 12 with a female troop leader; he considers it to have been consensual and positive. By age 15 he was having sex with his English teacher. Now he's 27 and he's had at least 150 sex partners, numerous orgies, and can't abstain from sex for more than a month. He's excessively proud of his sexual prowess and skill. I'm not judging him. But is this 'healthy' or 'normal'? My instincts tell me something is wrong as evidenced by his sexual control, trust, and commitment issues. Could these early sexual experiences with women in positions of authority have caused these issues? What kind of psychological damage, if any, could he have?

Legally your boyfriend was raped by both the troop leader and his teacher. Adults who have sex with minors can be prosecuted for statutory rape, regardless of whether the act was considered consensual by the minor. It is an abuse of power. It is even more egregious when the adult his someone entrusted to care for the minor. Such behavior is a violation of that trust. You described a fairly common result.

The process often often goes something like this: an adolescent boy is seduced by an adult in authority. As most adolescents he considers it somewhat of a feather in his cap for having an older woman show sexual interest in him. While he is physically mature enough to engage in sexual behavior, he is far from emotionally mature enough to handle it. He cannot talk to anyone about his experience because he feels guilty, perhaps ashamed and protective of the adult. He thus may feel estranged from his peer group, his parents, and others. As he grows up he begins trying to work out some of the internal struggles. He may become sexually promiscuous, seeking women whom he can control in the manner in which he was controlled by the troop leader and teacher. He wants to do to them what was done to him. He has to repeatedly prove that it is he who is in control, not the other way around. Genuine, mature intimacy is difficult for these men. They have difficulty trusting women; in your boyfriend's case, the two women who were supposed to take care of him failed him. They took care of themselves at his expense. They controlled him through the power of their position and took advantage of him; he was vulnerable.

Psychotherapy can be very helpful to men who have been molested, even if they claim to have enjoyed it and found it to a positive experience. It gives them opportunity to explore their feelings and discover the long term, often unconscious, affects these early experiences had on them. The result of effective treatment is that they become capable of engaging in an intimate, loving relationship with a woman where loving sex becomes integral to the relationship.