MEET DR. DREYFUS
The blog consists of answers to questions posed by visitors to my website. This blog was created to permit a more rapid response to these questions and to permit others with similar concerns to benefit from the response. For additional questions and answers that have already been posted, you are invited to visit my website by clicking here. You can ask your own questions on the blog by going to "Ask Dr. D." Complete the form there and periodically check back on the PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING blog to find your reponse.
I have been in private practice in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area of Calfiornia for over 30 years working with a variety of people dealing with problems of adolescence and adult life.
I am a Clinical Psychologist, a Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, a Certified Sex Therapist and a Life Coach. I received a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Kansas and a Master's and Bachelor's degrees from the City University of New York. Other credentials include: Fellow of the American Psychological Association; Diplomate, American Board of Sexology; Fellow, International Council of Sex Education and Parenthood of the American University, Diplomate in Professional Psychotherapy, International Academy of Behavioral Medicine, Counseling, and Psychotherapy. Fellow and Diplomate, American College of Forensic Examiners.
I am listed in the National Register of Health Services Providers in Psychology. In 1996, I received the "Distinguished Psychologist" award from the Los Angeles County Psychological Association.
I have published extensively in professional journals and has published six books. My most recent books, KEEPING YOUR SANITY (in an Insane World),offers a collection of practical essays for your psychological well-being and SOMEONE RIGHT FOR YOU: 21st CENTURY STRATEGIES FOR FINDING YOUR MATE offers a step-by-step program for finding an appropriate mate for you. I am active in community affairs, a member of national, state and local professional associations and I am frequently sought by the media for my expert opinion on many contemporary social and psychological issues. For detailed information on my background please visit my website.
posted by DocDreyfus | 7:27 AM
3 Comments:
Dear Dr. Dreyfus,
I have just recently broken up with my boyfriend that has been living with me for 8 months. Although I care for him very much and now he is declaring his love for me (since our split) it was quite different during the relationship.
I am a 30-year old woman that met this 38-year old man through a volleyball league. In the first few months of our relationship, he had commitment issues due to my weight (I'm 5'8", 185 pounds and a size 14). After a few months of seeing each other, I decided that I couldn't take feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, especially because I am used to be regarding as the prettiest girl at a party. I have been fortunate to have caring and loving men all my life that always find me beautiful. In addition, I have never had trouble finding men that like me and find me sexy.
My boyfriend apologized back then and said that we should tell all our friends that we are a couple and that he was proud to have me as his girlfriend.
As the subsequent 8 months followed he moved into my downtown condo (much more centrally located than his apartment north of the city). We had fun by playing volleyball, going to parties, going out to dinners, relaxing at home. He was a wonderful man about 90% of the time. But there was another side of him that was controlling, verbally abusive, lacking empathy, selfish, and extremely arrogant.
He began to let me know that my weight was an issue to him because "he can't help liking a certain body type". He has a list of what he is looking for in a woman and it starts like this: From 5'8, blonde, and thin...
These rude words began a few times a day and later slowed down to once or so a week. The more he spent time with me, the move he seemed to like me and accept me as I was. However, for me as time passed, ever additional insult was much more hurtful than when our relationship began.
He also has a control issue regarding sex and I am constantly feeling that I am an object and not a person. I did not feel intimacy in our sexual relationship. He believes that women like men to take control, but he used bondage (while I was asleep and I woke up all tied up and trapped). During some of these times he video taped this, which when I saw it afterwards made me feel extremely uncomfortable, embarrassed, and scared. I told him that I didn't really like doing that, but I reserved expressing a strong opinion against it because I wanted to really understand what type of man he was. A few times when I told him that I didn't like it at all and he passed the line, he said that he was sorry but he thought that I would like it. More than once I felt like I was being raped because I said "stop" and "no" and he didn't. He showed remorse afterwards, but said that it was a misunderstanding.
As the relationship progressed he would make comments of other women's body parts (while I was sitting right there) to my guy friends, say that "he only liked me for me and not my body" when I asked him if he found me sexy. When we would sit down at a romantic restaurant he would start off the evening by commenting on sexy "blonde college girls in mini skirts".
Now I am sure by this point you think, so what's the question here. This is so obvious that this man is not sensitive nor has any idea on how to treat a lady as a gentleman. What makes this situation difficult is because he is nice to me a lot of the times and is thoughtful by cleaning the house, getting stuff ready for me, and overall watching out for my wellbeing. Most people who meet him find that he is a great guy. Few find that he is fake and arrogant.
I am confused because he is now declaring his love for me and I feel so much for him. The 90% great part is so wonderful and we have a great friendship connection. I would like to say that we have a "partnership connection", but I found the sex too uncomfortable, so I can't.
He is now stating the he would like to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. I am afraid that I will be even more trapped if I get married to him, have children, be dependent on his income, and perhaps be larger than I am. Right now I am extremely independent by making over $100,000 per year (more than him) and owing my own property at a fairly young age. I feel that if he treats me like this now when I am independent, I can only imagine how bad he would treat me after 10 years of marriage.
We broke up 2 weeks ago and I gave him a few nights to take his stuff from my place while I stayed at my dad's. During these past 2 weeks, he has sent me flowers, emails, and texts that profess his love and his apology. Two days ago, I asked him not to contact me AT ALL for 3 months since it has been very difficult for me to be in contact with him. He has respected this wish thus far. Two days ago, I also gave him a booked ("Verbal Abusive Relationships") and have asked him to read it and work on the following 3 things:
1. His immaturity regarding life and his life long partner (is 20 pounds over weight really that big of a deal? and who cares about it so much when they are 38?)
2. His verbal abuse and why he does it if he "loves" me?
3. His lack of empathy. I have never once felt (not even for one second) that he can put himself in my shoes.
I opted out not asking him to look into his sexual perversion because I thought that it would be too much to ask.
I am going to try really hard on working on my self-confidence (it has been belittled for a long time) and on doing things for me. I have a great deal of motivation to do things for other people, but when it comes to me, I tend to procrastinate.
Overall, I would like to know if he truly is a nice guy with a sexual perversion and insecurity issues, or if he is too troubled to ever be helped in the short term?
Thank you and sincerely,
Troubled 30 year-old
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You have done totally the right thing you are truly beautiful for realizing you deserve the best for yourself and at the same time, take a step back and still care about someone else. He is immature none of us are the perfect package. At 5'8 185 pounds there is nothing wrong with you at all. Being 38 he should have his head on straight, he thinks with his dick and not his brain at all. He is immature, shows you no respect, is insecure and controlling making you feel bad to control your emotions. It sounds like you have no problem attracting men, dump him you would be doing your self a big favor. He wants you now because he can't have you. He could change and be a good partner, but only if you change and never accept second best and believe it. Men have Sex fantasies they are just that way. It is ok to participate but only if you feel comfortable, a mature man will respect you and care about your feelings and find balance to have a full satisfying sex life with you by talking about . While you are putting your energy into this empty relationship,some reaally gorgeous guy is probaly looking at you right now and your not paying attention.
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