PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist, relationship counselor, sex therapist, and life coach, posts articles and information regarding a variety of psychological issues confronting people every day. In addition, he responds to questions about relationships, sexual difficulties, and other concerns that have been submitted through his website.

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Location: Santa Monica, California, United States

Saturday, January 14, 2006

My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me

My husband is not attracted to me AT ALL. We have been together almost three years. We are both 36 years old and this is the second marriage for both of us. The first six months of our relationship was great; we had sex two or three times a week. In the last two years I think we have had sex five times. We have had sex twice in the last year. Now I am eight months pregnant. Every time I try to talk to him about our sex life, it turns into a huge argument. I am at my wits end and considering leaving him after the baby is born. He says he loves me, but is stressed out from work. Or he accuses me of only being interested in sex; he calls me a whore because I ask him for sex. I am an attractive woman and I never have had this problem with anyone in my life. Please help me!!!

Unfortunately, yours is not an uncommon story. All too frequently I hear tales of how relationships that began with passion and romance change within the first year. Often these relationships were more about lust or desparation than about love, and more about conquest than about intimacy. Once the dating period is over and the conquest accomplished, the parties often find that they have little in common, especially in the areas that matter. Things get worse when they marry because the relationship is taken for granted as one or both parties focus on work and other areas of personal interest. They forget that making a marriage fulfilling demands that each party work at it, e.g., keeping the romance alive through a weekly date night.

It is similar to planting a garden. Once planted the flowers must be attended to; they must be nourished and fed, watered, and pruned. If not they will die and weeds will take over the once beautiful flowers. All too often peope fear intimacy and commitment. In the most successful marriages, the parties were best friends prior to marriage and continue to be best friends afterwards.

You do not indicate the basis for your marriage. Nor do you say how long your have been married. The sex diminished after the first six months of the relationship, yet you still married. Why wasn't the problem addressed right away? And why did you decide to have children? Were you operating on the "biological clock" issue? There are too many unanswered questions to give very specific counsel. I can say this, however. Now that you are going to have a baby you have a responsibility to give this marriage your best shot. And that means telling your husband that you are unhappy with the marriage. That love alone is not enough. That he is disrespecting you when he calls you a "whore" and tries to make you bad for wanting greater physical and emotional intimacy. Tell him that you want him to go with you for marriage counseling and that if he does not go with you, then you are considering divorce. The two of you owe this much to your child, if not to one another.

254 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK. I have been married for 17 years! Before we married, we had fantastic sex for three straight years. Frequent and one of the reasons I married him was because the sex was so great, along with other things. But, we never had sex on our wedding night, he did not want to. Nor for any of our honeymoon. From the day we decided to get married, he seemed to be totally unnattracted to me. It was incredibly sudden, and has remained so for all these years. You may ask me WHY THE HECK AM I STILL IN THIS MARRIAGE???? Well, about 3 years ago we almost divorced. Things had deteriorated to such a degree that he had a year of affairs that I never knew about until after I asked him for the divorce. But, somehow we mended things, through mostly efforts on my part. He seemed to have a change of heart in terms of the marraige and our family (we have two children). We seemed to be doing pretty well, well alot better these past three years, BUT, he remains unnattracted to me still, and throughout. This is eating at my core, and I have found myself becoming much more depressed about the whole thing. Treating him badly again because I am so hurt not to feel loved or wanted by him. Even though he says that he loves me and wants this marriage to work, I just cannot believe his words anymore and do not want to live a life of celibacy and feel so unloved for the rest of my life. Yet, I don't believe in divorce, I mean, I feel it is somewhat selfish, on both of our parts to do so. That if I could accept just this fact, things would be OK. We are best friends, and we have a lot in common and we love being with our kids as a family..... I am completely a mess right now and am sort of at my wits end. Because we have been through years of therapy that never worked. I am already 47 years old, and I guess I don't want to live out the rest of my life knowing that I will never be touched in that way again.......... I cannot even express how sad this makes me.

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello:
I am so sorry to hear this. But I understand. I feel the same way as you do. I got married nearly 3months ago adn as soon as we were married my husband whole attitude changed like your husband did. HE never make love with me unless I almost beg him. We are down to 1 time a weeka andn he will not touch, kiss or even move his body. Teh whole ordeal is up to me. I think my husband s gay!

10:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay Ladies Are you sure you have tried everything? I mean makeovers wokingout losing weight. Maybe You are not taking care of yourself? Or just maybe Your husband is so stressed over worked. Or just mad with the way his life is turning out the house is a mess the kids dont listen. There are so many factors to look at. I think that men have to be in a comfortable enviorment and MUST! be happy with there life. And feel sexy themselves. Are we making our husbands this way? Do we keep up with our hygiene do we smell nice do have the house clean and ready for them when they come home. DO WE MAKE THEM PROUD TO BE MARRIED TO US???? I to am like all of you same problems. My husband Adors me but I honestly take him for granted at times and I am sure the things that I have listed play a huge role in the lack of intamacy with our men. weather or not we all want to hear this WE NEED TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF our appearance. And OUR MEN!!

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, did not one person have a rebuttle for this response regarding wives needing to make sure they are taking care of themselves before blaming the husband for not being attracted to them? Well for one, i wouldn't imagine that all of these women would be so completely reckless as to stop taking care of themselves on their wedding night, or immediately after the wedding, plus they can't always be in such a condition that their husband isn't able to remember why they were attracted to them in the first place. I think the true issue is this. These men probably didn't know what they wanted in a relationship, in a woman in life, and especially not in a sexual connection with a woman. When you have society continually screaming that the oversexxed male populus needs to calm down and not be so overtly sexual, what is the natural reaction but for men to feel guilty for their own sexuality? I mean religion screams to men that to be sexual is evil, and yet woman are to generally expect men to have a healthy sexual outlook? You tell me how this is possible?

12:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This thread is unbelievable!!! Take care of yourself? You bet I have agita with that response. I, too, am ONLY married under 2 MONTHS and like the first post noted, at the wedding and on the honeymoon, no sex. What the heck? I asked myself every question in the book! Now it's "legal," so now it sucks? Is the conquest over? Is he gay?

One thing I do know... for my wedding... I was in tip top shape... tanning, excercising, eating right. I looked in better shape than when we met! And, not to brag, but I am a very attractive young woman. So it's really pathetic.

All I can figure out is that, like most brides, unfortunately, my husband was groomzilla- wanting the perfect wedding from flowers to the most delicious cake, and he did not really care about the MARRIAGE. Like most men, he is about competing and winning the race and getting to the finish line. We are married, so now what?

I also think that IF my husband is completely leaving me in the dust, sexually, not to mention emotionally, mentally, he cannot really care about me. He actually doesn't even want me to move in my stuff! And he hardly speaks to me and tells me to leave him alone. Is this the same man that was smiling in all of our wedding photos?

The situation is very dire because EVEN THOUGH my husband was INSISTENT on marrying ME, I really do not think he loves me because if he did, he would want to make love to me and cherish our newfound bond.

At this point in my life, my way to cope is to drown myself in work to avoid the inevitable divorce. But, truly, all of these woman writing about their husbands not caring... it's an unfortunate fact-- they probably don't care about you. It is NOT YOUR FAULT! You can be beautiful, smart, healthy--- perfect.

If anyone would like to vent and talk with me further about this, please respond, and we can communicate further.

My prayers go out to us all.

9:19 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

My husband and I have not have sex for 4 1/2 years.

We have been together for 8 years. He is not interested in me and litterally pushes me away when I try to get all snuggly and intimate with him.

He won't allow me to even touch him OR see him naked. He locks the bathroom door so I can't go in while he is showering....

I am a very romantic woman who loves that kind of stuff. He was so into me the first year and a half, then he slowly stopped being who he was.

I get very depressed much if the time because of our distant relationship- and half the time I am just mad at him. Every time I think to myself I will try again to get close to him, he pulls away and tells me he is hungry or tired or not in the mood-

He always acts distant and uninterested in me and it makes me want to just cry! I take really good care of myself and think I am pretty cute but he still does not care- I may as well eat bon bon's and order pizza every day- it would not make a difference! I have tried and tried to talk about it- NOTHING works and only makes him act more weird towards me.

I am in my mid 30's and can't take it much longer...I want to leave a find a new man to share my life with...this life has been tough- not only is my husband not interested in me ay all, he never compliments me, touches me or says nice things about the way I look or how good I smell- he never tells me I am sexy or things like that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN?! Sometimes I think he is gay!! But I have found porn of the computer (with woman) so I know he is not. We were both married before to other people and I never had problems like this with my ex husband- but my husband however had issues like what we have with his ex wife, and that I think is why they divorced....and she actually ended up cheating on him after no sex between them for almost a year.

I have spent my entire 30's in celebate hell! I don't get men who claim to love the woman they are married to and live with and then can put them through all this!

WHY DO SOME MEN DO THIS AND HAVE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR?

I think it is a form of abuse if you ask me. It sure hurts your feelings and there is no where to go except out the door.

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

believe it or not, your not alone. This kind of problem is getting worse everyday. Women are the ones suffering from this kind of abuse while men are enjoying themselves. we women need to set an example and act the same way. Make them suffer too.

5:14 PM  
Anonymous Confused blonde said...

So some of you are freakin me out! No sex on the honeymoon??? I thought that was a big part of going on a honeymoon! My problem is my husband and I have been married for 7.5 years, dated for a long time before and had great sex for about a year before we were married. In the beginning he pushed sex. He wanted it a couple times daily, and I gave it to him thinking that is what a wife does.Yeah I wanted it, but that was a lot. It stayed that way for years until the past 8 months or so. Suddenly, he will go a week or two without even thinking about it. When I try to peak his interest, I get pushed away. What the hell? I've kept everything ready for him in the mornings before work (clothes, breakfast, etc.) and after work (hot meal on the table, house is clean, kids are bathed and calm). I've even tried waiting for him (in a variety of ways) when he comes home for lunch (we only live 2 miles from his job) but he is never interested. This by the way is something he told me he would love, but doesn't seem too. I just don't get it. I am not even 30 years old. Why is he pushing me away? What would you do?

7:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is comfrot in knowing that there are other out there in the same situation. We have been married 6 yrs and have one child. Our communication has decreased along with our sex life. I never knew that you could be so lonely while lying in bed next to your husband. I am in my late 30's and on my second marriage and truely love my husband. We have so many things in common and want the same direction in life, but there is nothing between us. At my end and wanting my marriage we started marriage counseling. It is not going good. He is shorter now and makes things up during therapy. Each time there is a new excuse as to why we cant be intimate. Last week is was because "I cook him a big dinner", I found this so strange I asked him after our session when this happened. He referred to a time I purchased him a large steak for his birthday dinner months earlier. I dont have much hope that the marriage counseling is going to work and am embarrassed to talk to friends and family about why my marriage is falling apart...my husband is not interesd in me...is not something that comes out easily. I am not sure what women in this situation are suppost to do, be unhappy I guess.

2:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me say this is not the first marriage for either of us. It's not like we just met, either. I have known my husband for 5 years. We've been married 5 days and I am SO depressed!!

Our honeymoon was a disaster. First, HE got sick. Nerves? Stress? Travel food? Who knows. We didn't have booze. I comforted him and did everything I knew to help him feel better. Sleep was the only answer. So I let him sleep. Sure, It wasn't how we'd planned to spend our time, but I didn't want to make HIM feel bad for being ill. I turned the tv on low and tried to relax.

In the morning (actually just a few hours later), I was the one that felt like I had been run over with a truck. Of course HE was rested and raring to go. Instead of being soothing, he was angry and sullen. This didn't help me feel any better.

Then things changed between us. He was kind of mean, actually. Impatient. Uncaring. It felt like "Now we're married, so what." To make a long story short, I am devasatged.

2:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand what you guys mean, same for me, sex is gone. Married 17 years, and at this point I could care less about the sex. He doesn't care if I'm not well, last night I was really sick and needed to sleep, He could care less. He seems to only care if the house is clean, yet he doesn't help and I work as well. If the kids rooms aren't done, they are not given their share of love and my teens are suffering, I totally take their side against him, my fault, but it gets old. His love is so conditional. He will use the house as an excuse, but it is not dirty, it may get cluttery. He really sucks at being a dad! His son from a previous marriage got treated better- probably because I would make the arrangements to pick the child up, etc. I don't think I can afford to live apart from him, but I'm soooo sick of this!! I have to admit that I let myself go- but so did he and worse than me- But I still take care of myself and get flirted with-which I could care less. These kind of men suck- My dad is totally opposite of these type- and my parents are totally in love- I'm happy for them and totally sick because I have no one to share with.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went through the EXACT same thing as all of you....I believed my husband was my soul mate my reason for living. He up and left me after not having sex with me (same like u ladies) I was so freggin devastated and then I realized HE DID ME A HUGE FAVOR. Get out while you can ladies....YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS, LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO TRUST YOURSELF AND GO FOR SOMETHING WAY BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow. it is unbelivable reading this. I am ion the same boat. Been married only 9 months. I have even told him he was gay. He got angryand started yelling at me. Telling me I was not respecting him and he is not attracted to me at all. Was his exact words. Not to tootmy own horn but he's missing out It is hurtful and makes me feel bad about myself...But I must go on. I hope it's only a phase but from what I am reading and the way he is acting it seems like he is like the rest of these men I amreading about. Something is wrong with these men. I THINK THEY ARE ARE CLOSET GAYS....

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one....married 5yrs, sex every six weeks or more since we met.

For a longtime I thought my husband might be gay, but I know in my heart he is not. He is interested in women, just not me. The difference between our relationship and some of the relationships described earlier, is that he is kind and loving. He is a great dad and lets me know when I look nice. All in all, he is a great man, just not sexually with me.

I was hurt for a long time. I let it eat away at me. I put on weight and tried everything in the book to fix myself and/or our relationship. Until one day, I realized it was not me. It was him with the problem. My self worth was not his image of me, but my image of me.

I took off the weight, I decided to stay with him and now we have a baby we both adore. Man, he really wanted a baby because the year that we tried for the baby was the only year since I have known him that we have had regular sex.

He has never been the initiator. I was always the one begging. I stopped all of that and gave up on sex all together.

I realize the puppy dog love dies fast. I realize it is hard facing the fact that this is the one person society allows you to have sex with guilt free. I don't understand what goes on in his ead. I feel for him, but I am number one in my book (after my baby, of course).

So, I am ready to propose an alternate relationship plan with him, if you will. I am more than willing to have an open marriage. Don't get me wrong. I love this guy with my whole heart. I love our life together. I don't want that to end, but I do want to be with somebody who wants me physically. I want the same for him. I don't know what he is feeling or if he'll once again call me crazy. However, I do know I cannot bare this relationship without physical intimacy for the rest of my life.

I want to know if this thought has crossed anyone's mind or if anyone else has experienced it. Is there any advice?

11:25 AM  
Blogger bucwild said...

I feel so comforted to know that there are other people out there with this problem. The sex with my husband was great and often when we were dating. Once we were married I had to beg for it. I too thought my husband was gay. He makes up excuses about not having sex. He says he's ashamed of the weight he has put on, he is tired, or he has to watch football. He also seems to be addicted to internet porn. I just don't understand if he is addicted to porn then why aren't we having more sex. It's not just the sex. He does not touch me and he always sleeps on the couch. I don't know what to do. I've been married 6 years and I'm so lonely. He is a great father to our daughter and we get along fine as friends. I just cant believe this has happened to me. I am very physically fit and well groomed. I could understand if I had let myself go.

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is comfort that we are not alone, but that does not help you when you are in bed with your husband who doesnt even know that you are there. We tried counseling, it did not work. It's been 5 long years, with sex once every 4-5 months. I stopped asking him, now I am just angry at him. He is a good Dad and a good person. But the fact that he cant even kiss me, I figure that we are a lo ng way off from a good sexual relationship. I have also thought about making an arrangement with him. Live as married roommates. I crave the attention of a man and I am not sure how much longer it will be before I give in and go looking. I dont want to, I want my husband and I am just crushed that he does not want me. My recommendation to someone who is just in the beginning of this, without kids...GET OUT. As for the rest of us, I just dont know.

3:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need to chime in, I must agree get out while you can really. I truly fell it is better to be single then live this way, it will destroy your soul and take away your joy.

11:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really believe that this has got nothing to do with how the woman looks, keeps the kids, keeps the house, etc. Most of my friends have a reverse problem: husband wants it frequently, and they refuse 90% of the time. It DOESN'T matter how you look. One friend is fat, other argues with her husband all the time, another couldn't care less how she is looking, another doesn't bother cooking or taking care of the house - yet, here I am doing everything I can, the only one with this problem. I feel miserable, and I just don't want to discuss my sex life (rather non-existant sex life) with them anymore. I used to feel that he is not attracted to me anymore, but I have built my self esteem to the point where I have started to believe that its not true. I have 2 kids, and I cannot jeopardize their lives, and neither do I want to have a divorce. I have convinced myself that this is a compromise that I have to make in this otherwise-great marriage. Its hard, but maybe turning more towards God will help, apart from having hobbies that are time consuming. Its sad, and I know that he is being selfish and insensitive, but its is ONLY in sex that he is this way. He takes very good care of me if I am sick, lets me pursue my hobbies, babysits if I want to go out with the girls once in a while, supports my career. So, I guess I will live with this (I am 39)

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to all you ladies out there. I have been married for one year and a half and sex and passion was wonderful the first six months of our marriage and even better before that.
I have so much love for him and the passion is still there,its just not mutual. I often if not always iniciate the sex, he barely does it. After being told that turned down a couple of times, I basically lost all my self esteem.

I feel so ugly and unattractive. I'm not sure what to do.
We spoke about it a couple of time and he told be he just does not want to disappoint me i the bedroom, because he needs to be working out to get his stamina back, so he started and now we still at the place we were before.

I am frustrated and alone!!!!

10:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the same boat ladies. My husband loves me completely and wants to be with me, but we hardly have sex because of his lack of interest in me. Even if we both lost a bit of weight and worked on a few other things, I am not sure I am the type of person he finds attractive. Perhaps being conditioned with perfect models I just can't live up to has had an effect.

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married for four years and together for 7, we have two kids together, I have been reading each of your comments and I can relate to each one, my husband and I use to have great sex and now I be happy if I get once a week.. Just the other night I had this conversation with my husband and asked him why he wasn't attracted to me and the same old story comes up; I am attracted to you, I said to him you don't touch me, look at me, nor do you compliment me on anything, he does not see the problem, when I try coming onto him he has got an excuse I don't feel well or I am busy, I am so sick and tired of hearing this, I have no Idea what to do anymore.

9:51 PM  
Blogger demeterial said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i read about all of you and i got cry. i found my self the most unfortue because he is is my first and last husbent since i am a muslim girl. only 4 years is passed from our marrige he is 33 and 26 yearssold. from the begining he was not an ideal in sex relations.otherwise he is a good man. now adays i am reall fade up of such life and i dont how will beour futures.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I googled tonight for "husband not attracted to me," and was relieved to find out, as well, that I'm not the only one. I dated my husband of 2.5 years for 1 year. He had great friends, was very kind, and loved God. I was, and am still, impressed with his good qualities. He insisted on waiting to have sex, and as a Christian, I thought this was the right thing to do. It was hard for me because I had dated for 12 years and had lots of great sex during that time, but noone who wanted a commitment. (There are tons of those guys out there these days.) All I wanted to do was get married and have someone love me. We waited to have sex and it got easier and easier for me as the year we dated went on. I could hardly wait for our wedding night! He looked SO handsome in his tuxedo. I couldn't have been happier.... Then, on our wedding night, I knew something was wrong. We had sex, but it wasn't passionate at all on his part. I was also devastated, as many of you were (and are). At the end of that week, I was in tears. We went out to listen to live music, and couldn't stop crying. We left and talked when we got home. I told him I was very disappointed in the lack of desire and passion on our wedding night. I felt as many of you have expressed, that he wasn't attracted to me. He asked if I wanted to leave. Faced with that question, and not wanting to give up, I said 'No' and hoped it would improve. It didn't. Any time I told him I didn't think he was attracted to me (simply because he didn't act like a newlywed would normally act toward his new wife), he always said, 'I wouldn't have married you if I wasn't attracted to you. I don't marry women I'm not attracted to." Yet, his behavior says something different to me.... I wonder if I feel this way because I was used to single men who were lusting after every female they could get their hands on.... Like many of you, I decided to stay rather than break my own heart and his. He doesn't know how to be intimate. That's all I can say. It's who he is. His last 2 ex-wives could probably testify to that fact.... I still love my husband's smile, the fact that he does the dishes after I cook every night, helps vacuum and smiles at me often.... I think, in general, men are not emotionally capable of lusting after their own wife if they have a conscience. I think it's black or white with them. It's all women or no women it seems. At least I think that's true for my husband. It's unnatural to me. I can definitely be faithful to one man who is faithful to me.... At this point, I'm staying but I struggle. I tell God, 'I hurt,' and somehow I feel better after telling Him about it.... I wish all of you contentment and happiness, and I hope everyone realizes (and I'm trying to know this myself) that's it's not me. Thanks to the person who shared that! Best of luck to all you.

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes...I could cry reading this, too. At least I'm not alone in this boat.

We have been together for 10 years and have 1 daughter. Our sex life has diminished about 9 years ago. My husband and I have sex maybe once every 2 or 3 months, and he looses his erection minutes into it. I feel so disgusting, pitiful, and just horrible. I had been expressing to him how this has made me feel for years now, and finally this morning he tells me it's because I'm overweight and he is not attracted to me. We have a very good and strong marriage....other than this. He says he loves me, but I feel like how can he, if he loved me then he would want to make love to me.

I feel like our marriage is a lie. I feel so disgusting and horrible about myself, I not only don;t turn him on, but rather I turn him off.

4:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello, I am so thankful to have found this post. I too have been experiencing a sexless marriage. I have been married for 15 years. I knew my husband for about 6 years before we dated seriously. We dated for about 2 years before we married. I always considered my husband as a gentlemen. He never had sex with his girlfriends until me. I of course initiated it and finally he agreed. Sex was great and has been untill this last year. We have always had date night and had sex a couple of times a week. This last year things changed. Even on date night when we attempted he could not obtain or sustain an errection. I had just lost 30 pounds and had great bedroom hair and was feeling pretty good about myself when this started happening. He has many excuses for the problem: diet pills, his weight, my timing, being over 40 yrs old etc.

A couple of months ago I accused him of cheating. I told him I can not prove it but I know something is up. He admitted he was addicted to internet porn. He claims that he started looking to help with the impotent problem. We got him to a doctor, on depression meds, and to a counselor. We have had a couple of sucessful encounters but on the whole he cannot maintain an errection with me. If I initiate sex it scares him and then he cannot perform so I do not initiate.

The other morning he woke up feeling turned on and tried to initiate but when started he lost his errection.

I feel for him but I wonder all the usual things. Is he cheating, still looking at porn, or worse is he gay? I do not think he would ever come out if he was, he is too proud. He is a great friend, a gentle soul and tries hard in other aspects of our marriage. I do not tell anyone this is happening I do not want to embarass him or me. Thanks for listening.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Hawkessn said...

I've been married a year and a half. I believe my Husband is not interested in for many reasons. I'm jealous, insecure, sad, stressed, ( i recently had a miscarriage) I used to be a size 7 now I'm a size 14.

My Husband, was very sexually driven, he always was ready and wanted it all the time.

Now, he has back problems that are getting worse. But as the months past by he used many excuses.

He said I'm not playful like I used to be.

He scared to get me pregnant again, fear I might lose our baby again. (Because I have panic attacks and too stressed out)

Now he claims his back is sore.



Well, sex doesnt always have to be physical.

I'm at a lost.

We were so inlove, soul mates, we had an awesome love and real life set in after marriage. Fights, Financial issues. on and on..

Now I'm even more depressed.

He's a great husband and does he JOB!

But emotionally and physically he is not there for me.

I miss him.

I miss me.

I've confronted him in a healthy way. I've fought for him. I've threatened him.

Nothings Change.

11:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just reading your comments and could say I feel for all. Its not nice. Whats worse that i've been married only 2 months and his gone of me already. Everytime I asked him is it me and he replied "there's nothing wrong with you, nothing to complain about". We spent a whole year of wanting to be with each other and now that we have tied the knot its like his snapped out of me.I feel used and feel as if his taken advantage of me. I do everything, to maintaining myself, cooking, cleaning, etc just making sure that everythings perfect when he gets home from work. I even plan things for us to do in order to spice things up. Nothing works. All he does now is pick on everything about me. Like for instance, we played wii. He has been playing for a long time and it was my first time in playing the game. Gosh just because I didn't win the game against him he went into a strop. This is very petty and silly. He now compares me to other people. Even threw comments on my dress sense. I haven't changed the way i've dressed so still don't get why he complained about it. Despite this I changed my dress sense for him and he even said he like it. Im a very pretty girl and he too knows this. His still states that "I must admit you are very pretty" but despite knowing this then why does he treat me like a doormat? He even sometimes says "your good at most things I must admit" but then the very next day will say "you can't do anything". His not consistant in everything he says. He said i'm fat (funny thing is i'm 5ft7 and size 8) so I would start to tone up more. A week later he turns around and says "gosh your really toned up and its only been a week" and then a day later of saying that he says your too skinny. Its becoming a joke. His not appreaciating anything. I'm tired and fed up. It was bad enough fighting to be together for a whole year. I just want a nice break. I've just finished my Law degree and thus feel I deserve one. His really weird and I don't get him. He wants me to do well in life i.e. further education yet when it was my exam week he gave me a hard time. Instead of supporting me he stressed me out more. This is not the action of a guy who wants his wife to do well. Everyone in his family likes me and he also dislikes that. Is he insecure? Because a lot of people have said to him that your Wife could have done way better. Is he putting me down so that I can come to his level. I don't know what to think anymore. I hate being in this. I'm so upset.....His really hurt me with his comments.I once asked him if we can go out and do something like horse riding and his reply was "I think your incapable of doing anything". Its like saying sorry I asked and if I was in that incapable then why did I manage to marry Mr Capable then?. I feel really down. I'm out of my comfort zone. I've moved to his home town and am new to the area. I don't know anyone and feel as if I've made the biggest mistake in my life. What am I suppose to do? Shall I stay and put up with it or break free. I'm 22 years of age and have a full life ahead of me.

8:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married for over 16 years. When we were dating, my husband made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. The whole "in love" phase was really great. I felt like I was the star of a drippy romantic movie. My dreams had finally come true. 6 months into dating we started having problems, he started having headaches.....I know, can you beleive it? How cliche! We still had sex about 3 times a week, but that was from about 10x! We had relationship issues, like anyone and after about a year and a half of dealing with them in early december as I was breaking up with him, he proposed! I being the young and dumb hopeful sort thought that all would turn out right and he really must love me...blah, blah, blah! We hadn't set a date yet (he probably would've just kept pushing that back...) when I found out I was pregnant. He has been looking into joinging the service, which he did and we rushed a wedding where his whole family was able to attend (since they all live around the area) and mine couldn't (because they are spread across country) due to how fast it was being put together. I wanted to just elope, but instead young and dumb me wanted to please my soon to be husband and put together a wedding. I would try to invite people, but they felt insulted that I had waited until the last minute...which I hadn't, but how many people put together a church wedding in two weeks? His side was packed mine was almost empty. Well, everything went downhill from there. Sex is very important to me, we talked about this and he knows this. I have figured out that he uses his ability to control sex as a source of power. A passive agressive thing. Over the years I have tried everything. Once I made myself up in a maid outfit in high heels and we had a fabulous night....immediately afterwards he said, "I liked it, but I wouldn't want you to do that every night". OMG like I would want to do that every night! I have always been the initiator of it. He's faked being asleep, even gripping the bed tightly to 'sell' this. All of it is humiliating. When we talk about it I have been telling him that I know that at some point I'm going to be done with it. How much humiliation can one person take? I have told him, I don't know when, but at some point I'm going to just stop. It might be tomorrow, next week, next year...I don't know, but it will happen. It has. About 10 years ago he told me he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight...I started crying, so he took it back, he was just kidding. Of course I don't believe that, but if he had just stayed with being honest maybe we could work thru it. It actually felt better before he said he took it back. You see, I am in denial. There is still a little bit of that young and dumb hopeful girl inside that wants to believe that. In the past, I would just suck up my feelings and just go ahead and initiate sex. This time will be different, some eppifany will happen for him and all will be right with the world. I have been sleeping apart from him on the sofa for about 10 years on and off, completely apart from him for the last 3 years. He, of course, according to him is attracted to me, so much so that he's too embarassed to tell me he finds me sexy. Too embarassed to tell it to me when we are alone and no one else could hear. That is just insulting. And of course, he is so attracted to me that the idea of initiating sex just doesn't seem to ever EVER occur to him.

Unfortunately for me, I have waited too long to do anything about my situation. I have a back injury and cannot really work to support myself, so leaving is not an option for me. I spent all of those years trying to fix our situation, reading books on how to fix it, getting ideas from the internet....always to my embarassment that I missed out. He also has viagra, lots and lots of it since he never uses it...he is still soft even on that. It's not a magic quick fix pill. It won't fix a relationship issue. We have also tried counseling. My idea, but he of course didn't really embrace it and it was pointless. An example...while working thru our issues I complained to the dr. that I was so tired of always having to do the things he promises to do---take out the trash, do the dishes, mow the yard, etc. His advice, the next time he does this, to not do it until he gets it done. Mind you, my husband was in the room at the time. We got home from the appt. and he offered to do the dishes, much as he had in the past and then didn't do them. I'm expecting him to actually do them...he was sitting in the same room I was getting the same advice. Well, 6 weeks later and every dish dirty in the house, I quit counseling and did the dishes.

Ladies, do not let your husband's problem become yours. For what every reason he is doing this, is his reason and his alone. You do not need to find fault within yourself to explain why he is reacting this way. It is his problem. I do love my husband and wish things could be different, but they are what they are. I am taking my power back. I don't care what his issues are and I am not going to let them hurt me anymore. Now I don't want to have sex with him. The whole idea of it makes me cringe. For me to have sex, I need to feel wanted and sexy. Being around him only makes me feel disgusting and sex isn't that enjoyable anymore. Don't let this problem define you. You are beautiful and sexy, even if you weigh 500lbs! If you take care of yourself and stop caring so much about this issue you will be able to find joy in life. It sucks that you don't have the marriage you want, if you need to stay in it, but what would you do if your husband was severely handicapped? You'd stay. Well, unfortunately for most men STUPIDITY is their handicap and they would have to be stupid to pull such a power trip and miss out on what we have to offer our men in bed!!!!! My advice to all of you is to find joy in other things, keep yourself busy with other things and if you cannot find a way to work out your marriage than get out, get out now before your entire youth has been consumed with "why doesn't he find me attractive". You know you're beautiful and if the one you are with cannot see it, than perhaps you are not with the right one!

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every time I read similiar blogs, I desperately hope that I will read a solution that will save our marriage. Or, that I will read about a new reason as to why he lost interest in me that I have not already been told. At this point, I find myself trying to improve my life as an individual and find hobbies to keep me busy. I have even started coping by drinking at times, which is scary. I feel so confused because I feel guilty for doubting my ability to stay in the marriage because of something as little as sex! As a husband, he is sweet, gentle, supportive, and funny. like most of you, I am at a lost and just don't know what to do anymore or how to hold on to someone who let go of me a long time ago.

5:39 PM  
Blogger DocDreyfus said...

It is an unfortunate state of our society that despite the so-called sexual revolution, we still separate love, romance, and sexuality. Men in particular seem to have a difficult time bringing these three together. In fact, many men do not view their mates as sexual partners once they have committed to the relationship. In other words, lots of hot sex before commitment followed by a falling off of desire for their mate afterwards.

Part of the explanation for this is that much of male sexuality has to do with the illicit nature of it, as in pornography or sex where there is a chance of getting caught. This type of sexual experience contain a lot of anticipatory sexual feeling...the idea of doing something illicit is in itself exciting. Another aspect of male sexuality is related to pursuit and capture. They become aroused when in hot pursuit. A third aspect is that men are very visual. They become aroused by the visual image of half-naked or totally nude women.

Once a man is in a committed relationship, it is no longer illicit, he is no longer in pursuit, and the ready availability of his mate walking around naked does not stimulate his desire. Often men who are in a committed relationship will watch pornography. The porn is readily available and illicit. It is visual. They become excited even in anticipation of viewing it on their computers.

This does not mean that they do not love their mates! They might love them dearly.

Men often separate love and sex, with sex being "bad" or "naughty," not something one does with someone they love. They often believe that if they love someone they can't do that "nasty thing" with that person. They have to treat their loved one with "respect" as if sex and respect can't go together.

So, what to do? There is no easy solution. But that doesn't mean that nothing can be done. A few visits with a sex therapist could be of significant help. The problem is getting your man to the office and having him talk about his sex life. Often this is not easy.

Many of you have watched the TV show "Dancing with the Stars." You noticed that some dancers are quite good technically, but they don't have "chemistry." Others have chemistry, but often may make mistakes; yet everyone loves them. And then there are others where both the chemistry and the skill are present. They usually win. In all cases you notice that the partners have practiced and practiced to get it right. They made mistake after mistake. And finally it clicked.

Well, the same is true for sex in a relationship. In order for it to be great there must be practice. And for practice to occur there must be motivation to make sex great. It is not just about cuddling; nor is it just about the physical act. It is both. Couples must talk about what they like and don't like. They must be open to experimenting. They must be open to share their values and opinions about sex. Some people believe that porn is bad; some people like anal intercourse. Some people avoid oral sex, while others like having sex in the shower. Who can say what is right, wrong, good or bad? It is up to the couple to create their sexual dance without judging one another for their preferences. But talk is essential. If you do not talk openly about sex and are unwilling to seek help from a sex therapist, it is like wanting to be a ballroom dancer without practicing, experimenting, talking, or getting a dance coach. You will be doomed to what you have.

There is an old saying, if you do the same thing in the same way and expect a different result, you are either insane or a fool. Take your choice.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have same problems as you ladies...and I had doubts before marrying this character..should've went with my gut instinct---which told me it was wrong..but went against my wise judgement and now paying the price for what I chose for myself..
AFter 25 years..let's say at 20 year mark...no anniversary gift..no card..nothing....
I was beautiful when younger...and have let myself go now..25 years later --time went by too fast and I'm still in this marriage...until something will tip the scales and that'll be straw that breaks the camel's back..I have 2 wonderful daughters who he's neglected all their lives...and one day an accounting before GOd will be in order...I know God will recompense according to each man's deeds and actions...
I take great comfort in knowing that God will reward every man according to the deeds they've done in their bodies ..whether good or bad..
Take heart ladies ...the good Lord will pay back to these husbands for their lack of notloving their wives as God wanted them to.
Take heart...man's love is waning and turning cold as Bible said would happen in these last days......but God will be your husband....He loves us with an everlasting love..these men will find out too late ....

11:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WoW! All of these stories are just awful! How about some marriage counseling have u tried that? As far as the lawyer girl 22, id say that ur husband needs some serious meds im not kidding seems very bi polar and jealous of u!! Everyone else how bout some Viagra! I ahve been married almost 2 months my husband and I do fight over dumb things were both stressed out alot.. i have just gotten him on cymbalta and it has helped ALOT* We never have problems with sex though he is always willing! HE doesnt initiate much but never tells me no.

7:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I thought I was the only one like that..... Any tips on how to get your spouse talking about sex? I tried and he avoids the subject. He says I am his best friend and partner (we have been married for 7 years. 2 kids) but sex became rare in the past year. He is on the computer watching porn late at night and I tried to talk to him about incorporating porn into our sex life. He avoids the subject. I take good care of myself and co-workers and clients find me very attractive. I get compliments all the time but not from my husband. The dinner is always ready, kids are entertained and the house is somewhat clean plus my job. I am running around and still remember about a kiss and a hug, although he seems to be very agitated when I approach him. Last week he told me that he would stay with me because we have children but his attraction for me is gone and he is no longer sexually attracted to me. He refused to go to sex therapist or discuss the subject any further. We talked camly but he keept saying, what do you expect after seven years? I am not ready to give up. I am curious to know what worked for others? I am open to anything except cheating to revive the sexual aspect of the relationship. Sex therapy was rejected and he told me I can go there by myself. Do I get busy with other stuff and pay less attention, stop hugs and kisses and get more detached and untainable or do I keep asking if he wants to be with me? I put love notes in his wallet and once in a while send him a short sexy love letter, which he delets. As our sexual distance is growing I feel like it becomes more difficult for us to communicate and I hate to be the one who always brings the subject. I would love to make him feel jelous again but I do not know how!

7:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have been married going on five years with children and i am in the same boat as everyone else here. I wish my husband would feel attracted to me and want to have sex with me but it is going on now for over 6 months adn i don't know what to do; i love my husband dearly with all my heart and soul but i do not know what i have done wrong or if he is in the marriage for just the children. i feel that he is cheating on me or just lost interest in me; ifeel unattractive; lonely and desperate for love and affection. i feel used and my self esteem is low. i know i have gained weight during the marriage; i'm a size 4 and i feel fat with three children. i would love to get the passion back and would love for him to initiate sex; i have been the one who has initiate but i was declined a couple of times and made me feel even worse about myself. i have tried talking to him about it but i get nothing! i love this man dearly and we both love our children; i don't know what else to do to make him look at me or even want to be with me intimately. At first, i thought i was me being repuslive and fat but now; i am trying to lose the weight and eat less; practically starving myself and letting my hair grow long per his request but that doesn't seem to do anything. I'm lost and I don't know how much longer i can last; i am a good women; i made mistake and i am not perfect but i am loyal and i adore him dearly and i miss him dearly and i want the fire back and the passion; even to be kissed, hugged and snuggle together would be nice.

9:51 PM  
Blogger ME23 said...

Wow ladies you have all brought up such bad memories for me. For the first 6 months of my marriage the sex was fantastic. We were best friends first too (unless my husband totally faked everything!)
After that it was celebacy from HELL for 15 years!!! I had to beg for sex and he always had some excuse. It was so humiliating! Believe me I kept myself in shape! Not bragging but I could have any man I wanted!!! People would ask my why I was with him (cause he was kind of fat and balding) but I loved him and our family (2 kids) and he knew it. It was like torture!! To lay next to someone every night in bed together and to not be intimate tortured me and it didn't bother him a bit. He wouldn't even talk about it. It IS ABUSE!!! I finally kicked him to the curb after I caught him talking to women on the internet (which I think alot of this is related to by the way). LADIES as someone else said get out now. The only regret I have is that I didn't get ut sooner!!! I was a great wife and mother!! I kept the house clean, had dinner on the table every night, took good care of my kids, kept myself looking good, and worked a full time job. Believe me ladies you don't deserve to be treated that way. I have been alone since I got divorced 10 years ago. I would never get married again, I was so messed up from that situation. I would rather sleep alone every night than be tortured laying next to someone without intimacy like that. I ask you this..."Why aren't the counselors talking about this"?! It seems to be a huge problem!! Because this is still a MAN'S WORLD and alot of it is the internet I believe. GET OUT NOW LADIES!

1:29 PM  
Blogger lonely in bed said...

I have been married for 4 years & the sex never was that good, so apparently I did not marry him for the sex, but he always told me I was beautiful & sexy, but he drank ALOT! & I figured that was the problem. We separated for a few months because his drinking got to be too much to handle, he became verbally & physically abusive, he promised to quit drinking & moved back in, the sex was very different, it was a little better, not much, but some & the concerning part was that it was different. I have recently found that he has been watching porn & is registered on several sex hook up sites. I have to beg for sex, I have always been very active sexually with my ex but I never thought I would have to beg for it, he has again started drinking in excess & has told me that I was ugly, he has gotten a script for Viagra but when i confronted him about the porn he has denied it (I have a key logger so I see every thing he does & have the proof in black & white) he still tries to deny it & now says he will not use it on me but he wants it back (i took it & hid it)I am not in a very good position right now to leave, I just got a new job & start tomorrow, I do not have the means to leave & we just bought a house 6 weeks ago. I tried to talk to him about the problem & maybe try to work through it & get counseling for his drinking & work with the sexual part, I guess that has become important to me because he doesn't seem to give me anything else I need. I don't know what to do at this point. part of me says cut your losses & get the hell out but then again I want to hang on until i can get my affairs in order & be able to afford the house on my own. what should I do? all I wanted was for him to have sex with me. I have been totally faithful, never thought of getting it elsewhere, I take care of it myself & he tries to say i am cheatin on him, he bought the toys for me because he knew he could not please me, i don't concider that cheating, him being registered on the sex hook sites is cheating in my eyes, right or wrong?

7:47 PM  
Blogger sinistersai4d said...

SOME INSIGHT FROM A MAN.

1) How you take care of yourself is important. Tone up, lose weight. Not only to make him more attractive to you physically, it's just sexy to know that she is concerned about her health.

2) Asking for sex is a turn off to a man. Act like you don't want it at all. Grabbing his dick (soft or hard) when your in bed is only cute in the first stages of a relationship.

3) Compliment his dick (morning wood) and his performance. (It's all about ego). Blow him. Act like it's too much even if you can swallow a christmas ham. Flirt with him, ask him to send you a picture message of his penis. Ask if he minds you showing it off to a girlfriend who's dating a guy with a measly 4inches. Men hating being compared to guys.. unless we're better than them!

4) Suggest something sexual that's completely out of the question just to get his attention and get him thinking about sex. If he's into anal or threesomes say something like, "Would you ever consider a threesome?" Even if it's a total bluff.. he will think about sex with you in the room. And you'll start talking about sex and thinking about you sexually.

5) Men resent women when we're in a relationship because you have taken away our masculinity by having us commit. Let me explain.. men like pursuing and lusting after women. We can't anymore. It's like when you have a dog neutered and he becomes depressed. He probably has a crush on somebody at work and he's mad that he can't act on it.

6) It probably has little to do with your appearance and more to do with his getting bored of your appearance. Thats why men watch new porn.. because at first it's exciting and then you're bored by what you see, even though the women are still the same looking. So don't try wearing lingerie necessarily.. just look different. Change your hair, get a new wardrobe. Go to bed wearing only one of his tshirts and say your normal pj's ripped or something. Just look different if you can.

7) Stay somewhere else for a week. Say a friend's boyfriend left her and she wants company. Come back looking fabulous. Absence makes the dick grow harder.

8) You've been replaced by porn/masturbation. When done in moderation these things are great.. but too much and you find that to be the most satisfying way of reaching orgasm. I don't have a suggestion for this one except trying to participate in his porn watching. Say "I wanna see the nastiest freakiest porn you have".. this way he won't feel judged when he shows you it.

9) Talk about awesome previous sex or some sex act that he liked. The hottest thing a girl ever said to me was "I can't believe how much cum you shot in my mouth that time in Vegas/Home/Wherever"... talking about sex with him, flirting subtly via text/email will get him not only thinking about sex, but thinking about sex with you!

Oh, and I know all of these things sound absurd and there is no way you married somebody so stupid and immature. Yes you did. Most men are just grown up boys.

11:02 AM  
Blogger sinistersai4d said...

LonelyInBed...

YOu answered your own question. He knows he can't please you. You say the sex was never that good.. He can't satisfy you. He feels useless.. why WOULD he wanna fuck you? More importantly why do you wanna fuck him if the sex is so mediocre? He can't comprehend that. I don't like sleeping with somebody knowing she's not enjoying herself or has had a dozen guys better than me.

Try this analogy. What if your husband was in a rock band as a hobby.. and you thought it was pathetic that a grown man still does this. He would feel self conscious and probably not do it in front of you cuz you don't appreciate it. If your husband hates the way you give him oral sex you would probably try to avoid giving it to him out of having feelings of inferiority. And did you ever consider that he has had awesome sex with other people? Maybe your sexual chemistry isn't up to par with past lovers and he knows it. If a woman like yourself feels sex is mediocre and still wants to have sex it seems absurd to a man. If a man thinks the sex is bad he's not gonna go out of his way to have it. Maybe he doesn't like the sex with you either. Some people fit better or worse than others. Don't assume cuz he blows his load he enjoys fucking you. You might not be satisfying him either.

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is there a support group for this?? Because I am in the same situation. It is lonely and it hurts. I am in Dallas, TX. I just drown myself in work. I own two businesses now...I guess I can at least say all of the lack of has gotten me something, but not what I really want. I can't talk to any of my friends about this because it makes me feel like a failure and whose husband doesn't want to make love to them?? It's crazy. I feel so unattractive. I just want someone to talk to. I wish I believed in divorce so that I could move on from this. Before I married my husband I believed I was a very attractive and beauitiful girl...and that was just 4 years ago, and I am still the same weight and take very good care of myself. I have started to resent him so much that I don't even want him. What kind of marriage is this?

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sinistersa4d's comments should be removed for the following reason:

1. They're insulting. "Tone up, lose weight." We've already established that many of the women here are beautiful and fit. That's not what this is about.

2. They make no sense. Telling us that asking for sex is a turn-off, then turning around and saying "Ask to see his nastiest porn" or "Compliment his dick" is ridiculous.

3. They're over-the-top lewd. I sense that this person enjoyed posting this.... way too much. We're not here for your satisfaction, dude. Get off somewhere else. And watch your language; while I'd go toe-to-toe in the crudeness department with you elsewhere, I doubt many of the ladies here appreciate hearing such verbiage from a strange man on the internet. Your answer to LonelyInBed is nothing more than salt in her wounds.

6:13 AM  
Blogger anonymous said...

I feel my husband is not attracted me. I have to initiate the sex most of the time. We got married to soon, and he was ashamed to tell anyone at first. So I brought up divorce and he didn't want to. Now he supposedly wants to be married to me. I don't know what to think. I gave up on sex. I guess I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. I gave up. I guess I'm hoping something changes. How long should I wait? I think the change has to come within both of us. We both have given up. I truely understand how he feels, so what are we doing? Why are we holding on to the marriage.?

6:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

34 years old, married 11 years. I have made excuses every single one of those years to convince myself as to whhy he could not been interested in me. First couple of years we were just starting out, we both worked 7 days a week, long hours so it must have been that. They 1st child came who would want to do anything with a pregnant woman and after please! I thougth I looked like a mess. After that i went for a couple of years thinking he was gay, after that child #2 came, new house etc.. we were too busy, stress etc....I am 105 pounds, 5.6 feet, i've been told attractive lady. I go to bed with no clothes on, have no inhibitions about sex, anything goes, I am very succesful with my job, and a social girl with friends that likes to have a good time.

My husband claims he loves me terribly but doen not initiate anything, no sex, no communication, no dates, no plans, I handle everything and he just goes along.

I would like to get out but I have lost my self confidence and I am extrememly fearful.

I just pray I get the answer soon.

10:56 AM  
Anonymous brittany said...

It is very sad to here that! I can not imagine what that would be like. I hope that what ever decision you make will make you happy.Because in order to please anyone else or make them happy you must first be happy with yourself.17 years of marriage is a long marriage and there are many out there who I imagine would wish they could experience it for themsleves but whats the point if they are unhappy. You have to be happy with you before you can make anyone else happy and if you are content with you and he still is not then maybe the time has come to start a new chapter in your life there is alot in this world to do I promise you will most definetly need more then one life to do it all. So just let go!

11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My boyfriend's case is a little different. Weve been dating a long time and finally moved in together. He was always passionate and sexy. Once we moved in together, I thought hed be all over me. But he wasnt. The odd thing is hes all about snuggling and kissing and cute talk. He is very sweet and affectionate. But when it comes to sexual intimicacy I feel like he is not attracted to me. At night he usually doesnt want to fool around but he always wants to snuggle. I dont get it...
Ive tried looking sexier at night and he acts more like Im a cute stuffed animal than noticing me in a sexy way. I really dont know what to make of it. We do fool around, but probably 3-5 times a month at most. I often feel sad and awkward about this. Im 26 years old (so is he.) I dont get it...

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bullsh*t!!! Just because a couple doesnt have sex like monkeys does not mean the relationship started on lust. Get real...and get an open mind.

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You women need to wake up. Instead of coming to bed in your ratty ass pjs, come to bed nude. Also trim your snatch and lose the gut. Nothing turns a guy off more than your fat gut rolls and your reeking scamper. Maybe if you took care of yourselves, learned to be a little more exciting in the bedroom rather than just lying on your backs, your men might actually be interested.

Focus on making him feel good and he will want to make you feel good. Getting fat, coming to bed looking like a flop, lying on your back expecting him to sweat it out for an hour while you struggle to get aroused will shut a guy down faster than a bullet to the temple.

Buy a vibrator and get yourself off afterwards or masterbate yourself so you actually know how to enjoy sex.

Trimming your pubes isn't such a bad idea either. Spreading your legs and having it look like a some dudes greasy armpit isn't very much of a turn on.

11:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DUDE I DO ALL THAT AND THE GUY STILL DOESNT WANT ME...I THINK WE AS WOMEN HAVE TO START ACTING LIKE THEM.. LIKE SPOILED LITTLE BRATS. MOST MEN I KNOW HAVE GUTS TOO AND WEAR RATTY BOXERS AND CHEAP OLD TSHIRTS TO BED. IVE BEEN BUT NAKED RUBBING UP AGAINST MY HUSBAND AND NADA! YOU GUYS WANT US TO LOOK LIKE DOLLS ALL THE TIME, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS, YOU ARENT PRINCES EITHER!!!!

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God, another dead end.
There has to be a real answer somewhere, but it's clearly not here, or among the hundred other places I've looked.

He just must not love me. If I look exactly the same as I did when we married 8 years ago, and I've tried every hint, every come on, even just trying to relax and let him come to me, and NOTHING has changed, then I supposed its just over.
I don't want puppy dog love, I don't want white hot passion 24-7, I just want a partner who looks at me once in a while like I'm great, and fun, and he is really proud to be with me.
But I don't have that at all. I have a guy who expects me to hide any intrest I have in him and distract myself with work and friends.
The problem here is, even if I leave and find someone else, this is bound to happen again.
I guess being in a long term marriage just means being slightly miserable under the surface all the time, with no relief.

Great. Pass the bottle of gin, please.

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with you.
I had the same thing happen to me twice!!
The guy is hot to trot ALL before marriage...(I looked the same if not better after marriage).
Get married and within 2 years NOTHING!!!
Here's what it is...PORN!!
AND lazy BS!!!
I'm stayin single from now on!!!
YOU ARE RIGHT. IF you get another man it WILL happen again!!
I suggest you do whaT i'M DOIN...STAY SINGLE..
i DON'T EVEN LIKE MEN ANYMORE..

11:43 AM  
Blogger DocDreyfus said...

Many of you are looking for "the answer." Obviously you do not like the answer that I have given regarding how men think and what happens once they marry. As I have tried to explain, generally speaking, men do not think in terms of love or intimacy and sex. For them, it is either-or, not both. Their idea of love and intimacy has more do with a sense of family and one is supposed to respect family. Sex for them, on the other hand, has little to do with love; it is simply "doing the nasty." And they wouldn't do the "nasty" with someone they respect, love, or consider family. Porn is simply down and dirty sex; no back story, no history, just "doing it."

So, ladies, what happens in the bedroom once you are married does not have anything to do with you! You have become family; you have gained respect. And men view their sexual appetites as dirty, pornographic, etc. Hence, they do not act that way toward you.

This accounts for why so many men are able to have great sex before marriage, have affairs that are inherently clandestine (sneaky and therefore exciting) and "dirty." They are also able to get turned on once their wife or girlfriend has broken up with them; now they are no longer "family" and hence fair game.

Furthermore, for many men, sex is a form of expressing anger. Think of the words that men use for sexual intercourse: fuck, bang, nail, screw (sounds like carpenters!), lay some pipe, etc. These are not terms of endearment. And most porn is of this variety. Just raw sex with no connection between the parties doing the deed. Many men do not need to have a relationship in order to have sex. In fact, as I have said, they separate sex from relationships.

So, in short, you might want to re-think your position of blaming yourselves. You might want to ask more questions of potential mates and try to learn more about their attitudes about sex, what it means to them, and how they experience the relationship between love and sex. For those of you who are married to one of these guys, I would urge you to consider couples therapy and/or demand that he seek individual therapy. In the alternative, you can leave the relationship or live with it the way it is.

Remember, these two adages: If you don't learn from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them. And If you do the same thing in the same way and expect a different result, you are either insane or a fool.

Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had the same problem as you ladies. At the beginning of our relationship, my husband wanted sex non-stop. We have been married over five years now and have probably had sex 7 times in that whole time period. Once in the last year. Strangely enough, emotionally we have grown closer. I have started many dialogues over our lack of sex -- he says he is tired due to stress. So am I but it seems to me that it would help to relieve stress. I am physically attractive (I think even more so than when we started dating) and don't feel this is the issue. I don't know what is! I am not the type to go outside the marriage for attention and I am at my wits end! I love my husband and he says he loves me but I am tired of trying to "get the spark started". I never thought I would be in this situation. I feel for each and every one of you. Please don't blame yourselves! And ladies, please don't attribute it to weight and body image. I am one of those 'skinny bitches' with a model body type and I have this problem. I have many friends that would be considered 'obese' that have terrific sex lives. Most men do not care about weight -- they enjoy the extra curves. Please don't think that's the issue -- I've talked to alot of men and not a single one has ever really found that to be a turn off -- for many it's a turn on!

11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its not a matter of hygiene, so forget that theory. I've tried porn, toys, etc to spark some intimacy. NOTHING. I really think that my husband is faithful. I dont think he is gay. I just think that he is comfortable and does not see sex as part of his responsibility. He sees it as a luxury that we can engage in when he is not tired, when we have money, when the kids are being babysat, when conditions are PERFECT. And the truth is, we have two kids and hectic jobs and bills....things aren't going to be perfect except once in a blue moon. I don't know how to convey, without sound accusatory, that part of being married, is having sex. I need to feel close to him, I need that intimacy. ESPECIALLY when things aren't perfect and I need to rely on the bond with him to pull through these trials and tribulations. And let me add one more point, and then I'll shut up.....its REALLY hard when other men want to have sex with me. I know I still "have it" to some extent and yet the one I want, the one I've committed my life to, would just "rather not." It BREAKS MY HEART!

7:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep!!! I know exactly what you mean!!! I tried everything when I was married....same problems!!!
It's way after the fact for me...but if I had it to do over again...I would have divorced right when I realized he wasn't going to change.
Instead I stuck around until there was bad blood....
I just think it's as simple as the other guy said...it's just the chase...and when it's over thats it!! Chase over!! NO MORE SEX!!
Haha....what a joke.....maybe it's a control issue too. It's like they are knowing you are suffering and almost enjoying it. YUK!!
It makes me sick when I think back on how long I suffered and how ridiculous it is.
YOU SIMPLY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MAN YOU MARRIED AND LOVE!!
HAHA...WHAT A JOKE.

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I should have noticed in the beginning, how I was always the one who had to instigate love making. He is not a "romantic" byu any means. And it's always about his pleasure, whether I climax or not. And most of the time, I have to perform oral on him before he will have sex with me. I have given up. I have tried several methods to get his attention. Now I am 40 and my libito has really kicked in. He is working in Iraq, he gets to come home every 4 months, his last trip home in May, I heard about the hookers in Dubai and how BEAUTIFUL they were "model quality" as he put it. Needless to say we had sex once in that two weeks, the night before he left to go back.

3:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha...You're lucky you had that!!!
My husband use to go off to sea for 6 mos. and NOT even give a rats about having sex before he went!!!!
Haha....I have to laugh...when there's guys who are constantly saying they can't "get any" from their wives...and then you have these loser guys who don't even want it when it's for them on a silver platter!!! What a joke!!!

4:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

personally, i believe that many men who claim not to be attracted to their mates, but find other women sexually attractive, are simply trying to act morally superior. think about it, many of the women on this page claim they are reasonably attractive, well educated, and devoted to their mates and families. when i scroll down, i see a page of superwomen trying to be proactive in finding a solution to a problem in their lives. a lot of men, i have found, are inherently insecure despite the way they act, and having a very strong woman as a partner leaves them little to feel superior about. its true, feeling superior to others makes a person feel better and more confident about themselves. so, if a man is dating wonderful woman, who is exceeding him in physical attraction, or income, or emotional devotion, or even household duties, unless he is damn well smart enough to know how lucky he is, his partner will make him feel insecure. to make himself feel better, he will play the card of rejecting his woman's sexuality so that he not only can make her sexually insecure, but also make her feel petty and beneath his moral standards. its sad, because many men do love their mates, but just cant come to terms with the fact that their mates make them feel inferior, so they act out in a passive aggressive manner that can destroy their relationship. my advice is to give your husband the option of facing his insecurities, and if he cant, find someone else who is secure with themselves, and save yourself from a painful experience.

5:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in a little bit of a different boat. I have been married for 2 years now and sex was not that great from the start. My husband has never really shown a great interest. I picked up on this and asked him about it and he made one excuse after another. I ask him about porn, if he liked it and he said no. I found a computer FULL of porn just before we married. I asked him about it and he said he was embarrassed to tell me. He had problems keeping an erection sometimes, especially when we changed positions, so now we dont change. If we have sex we only do it a certain way and its not that intimate. Anyway, I came home yesterday to find he had teen porn on the computer. I confronted him about it and he said its the body type he liked. I am 41 and far from that body type. I am very curvy, a little overweight, but still very sexy in my eyes. He is overweight himself and is not physically fit but has a beautiful face. I asked him if the problem was that he didnt find me attractive. He said "not particularly" and then went on to admit at my urging that I didnt have the kind of body he was attracted to. He like really thin women with perfect model bodies and he enjoyed the porn as his fantasy and it wasnt real. So I am left with the fact that he has never found me attractive except my face and I dont feel there is any hope he will. Its not a matter of hygiene or loosing weight. I am always going to have an hourglass figure and be curvy and he isnt into that. He admitted that this was the problem he has had all along with our sex life.

I have been married before and my ex and boyfriends I have had thought I was really sexy and bragged about how good our sex life was. They were not good husband/boyfriend material other than the sex part. My husband now is really a great man and I love him dearly. I thought I would blow his mind with my great sexiness and it just went sideways from the beginning. Now my self esteem is in the toilet. I dont want a divorce but I cant compete with this college girl porn thing. We only had sex twice this month and he had been looking at porn again for 8 months. Where does that leave me? Will he ever see me as attractive or is he mindwarped by this porn? I feel so ugly and disgusting, I dont even want him to touch me but I have needs too. I am in the prime of my life and I dont need this pain. What a hipocrite! I am so angry! I just dont know which emotion to have right now! What do you do when you find out that your husband loves you but he is not sexually attracted to you and would rather whack off to younger women porn than sleep with you?

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For some odd reason I was sent to this blog by accident I was looking for why my wife is not attracted to me. After reading so many post I can relate but from a point of view of a man. I'm barely in my 30's and been married for 5 yrs. I have the similar problem like most of you great sex the 1st year or less then after that all down hill. Heck even if I'm tired I'm all for it, its not just a emotional feeling or sensation but also a awesome exercise at sametime. Are we ment to live on miserable? Or should we just move one...what if we have kids?? Should the kids suffer just because either the wife or husband doesn't want to do it? Heck I times I wonder if I should trade places with other womans husband that don't get sex and let there husband be with my wife instead...surely they will have the "I don't want to have sex" in common and probably would be better off.

3:58 AM  
Blogger blossom said...

Is there a solution to all these problems?? Can somebody suggest what should be done?? I don't want to endup my relatioship with my husband. I know he loves me a lot but some how he's not sexually attracted. What should be the right thing to do?? Please suggest!!

1:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so glad to have found other people out there suffering from the same problem!! My fiance and I are not married yet. We have been together for 4 years and the first year the sex was great. Then, we had an unplanned pregnancy and we were still pretty young only 19 and 21. He did not find me attractive at all during the pregnancy and I cannot blame him cause I did gain 60 pounds. Then, I had the baby and it really brought us closer on an emotional level. I lost all 60 pounds and then some, but I I still haven't been able to get rid of the extra flab on my stomach after 2 and a half years. He is a great father, my best friend, and we have so much fun together, but he is still not attracted to me. I am 5'2" and I wear a size 3 I always get hit on at work and when we go out, buit for some reason he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. He recently told me that it was because of my stomach. A flat stomach has always been his number one turn on. I found this very upsetting because he looks like he is 6 months pregnant with his gut!! He is very stressed and upset with his current job and he injured his sciatic nerve about 5 months ago which added to the depression so, I really think those issues are more of a factor than my stomach. He does talk about it with me and wants to fix the issue too which is good, but we do it so unoften that it has become almost akward and I'm not sure what to do now. I'm just so sick of feeling so lonely and ugly. I will try to do what you girls said and find some new hobbies etc... and I will wait it out because he is gonna go through physical therapy for his leg and we are making plans for him to switch careers in the fall. I know that for men those things can really play a role on their sex drive. But if it doesn't get better I don't know what to do. We plan to have another baby right after the wedding and I think I would rather stay in a sexless marriage than have to go even one day without seeing my kids. My son means everything to me.

7:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I know exactly how most of you feel also,i've been married to wat used to be my best friend. He went to prison for 3 1/2 yrs,but before he went our life was awesome..no fights,no arguements,& SEX all the time. He's been home now for 2 yrs & 3 mos & our sex had so gone away maybe 1 time a month now.He says he needs to see a Dr., but I don't think that is the problem, I don't know wat to do??

11:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is very sad. No sex on the wedding night... Honeymoon. Pornography replacing sex with their wife.
Excuses... Defensivness.. Rejection. Do we deserve this. It's more than just about sex. It is about selflshness. I mean when it comes to my standards, excuses give us a reason not to try. Reasons are acceptable excuses are not. There is no excuse for your partner your best friend your husband to not try to look towards his wife with desire. He accomplishes tasks everyday, overcomes problems everyday. He should be able to figure out how to make his wife feel loved and cherished as she should. Love me like a friend then why not just be friends? I am physically attractive, intelligent, exciting, independent, happy, and always striving for self improvement. There is nothing wrong with me. We must ask what are our standards? What do we value? If our husbands are not able to work on, try or value us and we live with it for years then we should not complain. Simply ask him how much he really wants this. Maybe he'll wake up? Maybe we don't want to hear the answer but it sounds like this could really be affecting our self esteem. Not good. For me love and the connection to another being brings meaning to life and inspires my spirit to grow. I need that. I'm writing down my thoughts and asking my husband to make a change in order to save our marriage. We will see what happens...

11:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I lived with it for years. It gets to be ridiculous after awhile...kinda like you are begging for sex.

I finally said screw that!!

The funny part is that men "ACT" like "THEY" are the ones who always want it and the wife doesn't!

What I have found out from researching is that it is the other way around!! I guess the men still own the media and I guess their egos are fragile.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So what do we do? I feel very alone and sad!. I knew my husband 10 years before we ever got married we were just close friends. I use to get special gifts and letters that use to make me feel so loved. He lived out of state and moved to michigan to be with me,we got married last year and what a change, not one special gift and only letters if I asked, my b-day goes by not even a gift for that. I am not all about the gifts but I sure would like to feel loved. We just moved to his home state where I know nobody and have no family here. I happen to be on here because well I hate the fact that my husband dont even want to touch me he has no attraction to me at all....so at this point do I keep trying or do I let him be happy again? I think it's sad that couples let there relationship just fizz out thats why so many have affairs because they want that special feeling who dont? I would never do that to my husband I would pack up and leave first, but thats what is wrong with marriages romance and taking the time to show one another how special and cherished you are fade. I'm heavy so I know thats why he dont like making love to me but I am who I am I was this way when we got married. I try and do things for him pay attention to him buy him little things here and there. He cant ever take $10 and buy some flowers or go out of his way to do something I feel like shit thats how I feel!.

9:58 PM  
Blogger shannon said...

So what do we do? I feel very alone and sad!. I knew my husband 10 years before we ever got married we were just close friends. I use to get special gifts and letters that use to make me feel so loved. He lived out of state and moved to michigan to be with me,we got married last year and what a change, not one special gift and only letters if I asked, my b-day goes by not even a gift for that. I am not all about the gifts but I sure would like to feel loved. We just moved to his home state where I know nobody and have no family here. I happen to be on here because well I hate the fact that my husband dont even want to touch me he has no attraction to me at all....so at this point do I keep trying or do I let him be happy again? I think it's sad that couples let there relationship just fizz out thats why so many have affairs because they want that special feeling who dont? I would never do that to my husband I would pack up and leave first, but thats what is wrong with marriages romance and taking the time to show one another how special and cherished you are fade. I'm heavy so I know thats why he dont like making love to me but I am who I am I was this way when we got married. I try and do things for him pay attention to him buy him little things here and there. He cant ever take $10 and buy some flowers or go out of his way to do something I feel like shit thats how I feel!.

10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am engaged to a man who I will marry next summer. We are only 27 years old, but we haven't had sex more than a few times in the last year. He is under a LOT of stress, and swears that it will get better, but every time he rejects me I feel worse and worse. I am trying to keep open communication but it is hard when he is embarrassed and when I am emotional. I love him and want to marry him, but I am terrified that I am committing myself to a sex-less marriage. Is there any hope of change?

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I Googled this subject and stumbled upon this blog. I am a man who is stricken with guilt. I am not attracted to my wife and she is a beautiful girl, but not my type. I do find other women attractive. (i don't know if we ever should have been together, but we are) i can't remember the last time we had sex. I want to 'want' her, but i have stress and depression issues. i don't know if i could handle being in her shoes. i admire her courage which makes me feel worse. to deny your spouse of sex is abuse. i'm an abuser. i don't take care of myself as my own self worth issues affect my own attitude toward myself as attractive and i know that's not right either. i find it very difficult to talk to her about this because i hate myself. all i can say from my perspective is that i know your pain ladies. not having a sexual relationship with your spouse is the cruelest punishment in the world. it pits your morality against your instincts. right now, the only thing i want in this world is to have a connection and i'm looking bridge it with my wife. every couple must find their own solution. one person will always love the other more and be the glue. tell your spouse that there's nothing in this world that can fill the void of not having sex. tell them it's so much more cruel than starving a spouse or denying them of water, because at least the person can die. if that doesn't wake the person up, you need to leave. if there are children involved and they hit 18, you need to have a heart to heart with them about the reality of marriage, like the birds and bees all over again. will it be uncomfortable? absolutely, but you must do it to teach them the vow that is never spoken. would you want your child to suffer as you do now? to suffer for the sake of others is not divine. It's only divine when you don't see what you give up as a sacrifice. it must be out in the open as a social taboo that is line with spousal abuse, child abuse, and any form of sexual abuse until society (both men and women) look at starving your spouse of meaningful sex as criminal as denying them water. not just the act...it has to be geniune gift to each other...otherwise one person is doing a chore. if we cannot save ourselves, it must be for a higher cause that we live.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well #1, you should be commended for telling the truth. And you are absolutely right. It IS abuse of the cruelest kind!

When I was in this situation, it caused me the most pain I have ever had in my life!

Here is my question to you...Did you have sex with your wife and desire her physically BEFORE you married? If so, why do you deprive her now? I think this is very common as I have seen other men do this (other than my husband who did it to me).

#2, I think you should get counseling and try to fix it if you want...but if you know you cannot change...you should divorce your wife and let her try and get someone else who can fullfill his husbandly duties. Even the bible says this is sin. I hope you do the right thing.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am in the same boat. I have been married for 20 years, but we have been together for 25. We have two children still in school. My husband is a good man and father. We are good friends and love our children. I love him. He says he loves me. We have sex about 1-2 times a year. If that. The same is for me as the other women on this site. I try to talk to him about it, but he makes excuses. I am so lonely. I dont tell anyone about this. The worst part of the day is bedtime. Going to bed and wanting him to just sleep close me is not an option. Its the worst feeling in the world going to bed and your husband ignoring you. I know you ladies feel the same way. I have thought about having an affair, but it just disgust me. The other day a goodlooking man I dont know accidently brushed up against my arm and I felt excitment. Then I was embarrased. I wonder about other couples I know, if they are having the same thing. I would never say anything to anyone, even though I think I am heading towards a break down. I pray to die in my sleep, and I wake up and face another day of pretending to be a happy wife and mother. I feel broken.

11:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok.i been married for 2yrs..before we got married we had sex like 4 times and i got pregnet. we got married and we did had sex till i was 9mths pregnet...now that i had my baby his 1yr and 9mths, we have sex 3-4 times a month...WHAT THE HECK is that!! we go to bed together he just turn to the other side and fall asleep..i got tired of askin to have sex, so know i dont even mention it to him!! i hate it..whats wrong with him???? and i think his very selfish because the last times we have had sex i dont come..only he does! and he dont care..then we wait like another week..ugh

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here is my take from a man not attracted to his wife after 9 years of marriage.

Sex in the start was decent. Honeymoon was great. Afterwards was fine. As soon as I saw my child pop out from my wife's cooter with blood all over the place, I knew it was over.

From that moment on, she became a mom to my children and not my wife. She put on the granny underwear and started going to PTA meetings. Wieght went on, but not too bad. Likes pumpkin picking, watching TV, baking cookies. The kids love it.

She is as far away from me sexually as any woman on the planet could be (other than my siter or mother).

Women do not feel the need to know how to be the Madonna and the whore. Women today are "empowered" and have control, jobs, energy. In many ways, they do not NEED men other than to be good fathers. Without feeling like they neeed men for income, they do not feel the need to learn how to give a decent blow job.

Men show their love most in the bedroom. Just because you show it in other areas doesn't mean you should expect him to learn that from you. It is not how we are wired.

8:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am shocked! I thought I was the only woman. My husband was groomzilla. I caught him telling a friend of his that he was not attracted to me, that I could dress sexier. So I let him dress me. Pick out slutty clothes. When I got pregnant he was running around with my sister! They got crazy when I was upset about it... I'm talking about sneaking out of the house at 1am! Come on people. HE is disrespectful and yells like a little boy in front of the children. I have communicated my feelings over and over again ask if he would go to therapy..."NO" . As a result he gets sweet and romantic again for a few weeks then he becomes nasty again. I want to thank the man who responded for his side of the story but, in all do respect, own up to your feelings! Are you kidding! Your love for your wife ended after your child popped out? What the hell has this world come to? Society is changing what God made beautiful and turning it into something horrific, ugly even. Why did he marry me if he knew he didn't love me? For children he says...did he think that the rest of his life he could ignore? How selfish! Our poor children. I loved my husband...I love my kids...so why can't he try to make it work or ask for a divorce already? At least their would be less sadness in all of our lives.

11:06 PM  
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3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and i are quite young and have been married a few years but been together since we were pretty much teenagers. He tells me Iam beautiful and pretty but he is just not sexually attracted to me , he doesn't have that sexual desire or want for me what so ever. I know i am attractive and take good care of myself in every way, but no matter what i seem to do or wear he does not find me sexy AT ALL! I love him and it so frustrating and hurts me so much because I find him so sexy and I just wish he felt the same for me..anyone have advice for me?

7:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yea, here's my advice for you, (especially if you are fairly young). If he doesn't want to get help to have a normal loving physical relationship with you~~(I am a Christian, so (I believe this is really between you and God/bible).....He needs to get help.

There are biblical reasons for divorce....I would look for one if he doesn't want to change....because it is really a form of abuse and should not be tolerated....(why should you suffer your whole life because of his selfishness?)just my two cents!

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You wives that think you are attractive, who told you that Oprah. If we aren't interested, it's ALWAYS an appearance issue. We are wired that way.

Perhaps some of you should consider breast implants. I wish my wife would.

4:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha...It's NOT about that!
I have nice boobs and body and
guys falling all over me to have sex with me during my marriage!
THAT was the most difficult part about it!! I was trying to be faithful to a guy who didn't want sex ever!! Haha...What a joke!

I got out of it! I wasn't going to live like that...it's a real sickness for these guys!!!

Why don't you guys just humble yourselves and admit you have a huge problem and cannot perform properly and get help!? I think a good wife is worth it! But nooooo you have to be hard headed (well NOT-lol) and stubborn!! GET HELP AND DON'T CONTROL AND RUIN WOMEN LIKE THAT!

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! These guys that commented have a really screwed up view! No, Oprah didn't tell us we were attractive, our husbands did! This issue is not about looks. I am a model, size 0, boob job (because my husband suggested it, blonde hair...the whole barbie doll image. Is it good enough? NO!! Because it is not about that at all! I too like all of the women here had great sex with my husband in the begining. Shortly after getting married the excuses came. "I'm too tired", "My stomach hurts", "I'm stressed", or just plain old "NO". I found pornography numerous times, so I know the drive is there, just not for me. He say's that he is attracted to me and he is a wonderfull husband in so many other ways. We don't have kids yet but, I can only see the problem getting worse when we do. I'm afraid of him cheating on my while pregnant. Or if I gain any weight at all. He's never said I'm unnatractive to him but actions speak much louder than words. I try to come on to him and I always get rejected. My self asteem is so low at this point. I really don't know if I can take any more of this. Women have needs too!

2:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sound just like me and the way my situation was. Don't say you weren't warned. It WILL get worse after you have kids!!
I kept my figure...did everything right. (I'm older now), but when this was happeneing in my life I was in my 20's-30's and my ex was in the military....his whole platoon use to talk (the way guys do when women aren't around)...I was ALWAYS (out of hundreds of wives) the one VOTED "Would most want to Have Sex With".....BELIEVE ME...it's NOT about the looks!
He would actually tell me this stuff and so would some of the other wives, so I know it's true.
This would just make me madder and more frustrated.

I'm in my early 50's now and I regret wasting those years and now not having a good man to love. I think there are very few good men out there...so I pretty much gave up on that.I honestly think unless they are a serious Christian and really devoted to doing the right thing~all they do is get lazy and wack off to porn....it's soooo easy for them to do...it's the lazy way out....no talking, pleasing anyone else,,,it's just selfishness pure and simple.

One of the BIG reasons I stayed before was because of my kids....so please think long and hard (sorry pun) before you have kids and stay with him for a life of misery!

9:39 AM  
Blogger longleggedginger777 said...

WOW, this is crazy! I can't believe that this is so common. I feel better because I know it can't be me since all of you awesome women are in the same boat. But at the same time I feel like, if and when I leave him there is just that many more men out there who might as well be nutured(is that how you spell it). I too am tall, slim with curves and very attractive. Even RIGHT NOW. I'm in some sexy panties, I smell like mango lotion and my hair and skin are perfect. And my hubby is right next to me playing video games. Seriously!! Forget what these addtionally useless men say on this post... most likely they have the same problem and have no clue about what's wrong either so they feel the need to offend.

One thing that I think is that, men are so pumped up with their porn, with their numerous experiences with past hoes, etcetc that it must take extra, super stimulation to even get them excited anymore. Some even get bored with porn and graduate to different levels of porn like animal, teen, children, grandma, family. It's disgusting! I think we need to look for christian, spiritual men who have made bountries for themselves throughout their lives that protected them from all these inabilities. Men who thought to protect themselves for us, a long time ago and who lived for God and us before he even met us.

Right now images of porn and unrealistic women and idiotic stuff is being pumped into them even just by watching tv and most movies these days.

I'm 28, I look younger than 20, I'm tall, black, and very, very attractive. Don't think you'll get something different from overseas. My hubby is Polish

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ginger you got it together girl!
I wish I knew what you know at 28!!

You are right on....need to get a Christian man!! Not "Christian in name only"...but someone who REALLY loves the Lord and wants to do his will and obey his commandments!!! I don't think we are all long for this world anyway...the Lord's coming back and we don't/wont need sex in heaven! It'll be so great we wont even care!!

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so incredible to read how many of us women are in the same boat with this cruel dilemma! I have just recently (1 year) remarried in my 50's to a man 5 years younger than myself. Boy what a nightmare this has been. Sex is very infrequent and when we are sexual it is as if he is only "performing" to get me off his back, so to speak.
It is truly heartbreaking for me as a midlife woman to feel so marginalized and useless. As many of the women on here have said I have always been told how pretty, beautiful and sexy I am....and I have ALWAYS been pursued sexually by any man that I have loved. This is so ego destroying that I am numb from it.
I met my husband online ( mainstream dating site) and believe that he is a victim of this "porn generation" of men as well. Although he denies it I think that he spent many hours in chat rooms and porn sites so that he is totally desensitized to a real womans body, and real regular sexual activity!
Right before we got married I found out that he was chatting and contacting many women online the entire time that we dated (8 months or more), and I also found photos of teenage nude girls in his photo cache; although he had DELETED all of the photos that I had emailed him of me! I was so hurt as I had told him if he needed to date others he could, but he denied that he needed or wanted such a thing. After that incident he literally smashed his old computer to pieces and threw it in the trash. He has never wanted to go online with my computer as he says that he is "done" with that.
I don't know what to do as we have bought a beautiful home together and in every other way he is a very good husband. This is such a soul numbing experience I don't know how to wrap my head around it.
Its so comforting to know that I am not alone in this, it feels like a whole family of "us" out there.....how sad.

8:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sad is right!
In my opinion you ARE right in your
guess that this is about online porn, sex, and pics!

I was listening to Christian radio the other day and they explained what happens to a mans brain and how he "compartmentalize's things"...hard to describe....But it's like a drug and after they are involved with this online stuff, they cannot go back to NORMAL sex with a NORMAL FLESH AND BLOOD WOMAN!! Or, it is VERY HARD for them to.

I don't know your spiritual beliefs but there is a group they were talking about called "Every mans battle"....(I think there's a book too.) It is a workshop which is supposed to help with this HUGE problem. Believe me I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL....IT'S THE WORST KIND OF ABUSE. I divorced because it was so devastating for me...I would rather be alone than be humiliated like that!!
God Bless....Good Luck

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was comforted to find so many ladies in the same position. I am 3 years into our marriage. The sex was great for maybe first 2 months and then he would fade away and I would be unhappy and depressed. When it became a pattern, the focus and blame went straight to me that something was "wrong" with me. Then we moved onto some other issues on my side. Apparently, it looked like something was always wrong with me and we addressed it all. It was like my mission to be this perfect superwoman. Yet, he was distant to me. I felt extremely undesirable, had low self-esteem, felt inferior to women around me. It kills me to see any love scenes on TV or movies. It KILLS me.

I come from a very conservative and sheltered family. Lost my virginity to him and believed that God made me for this one man. He seemed to cherish me and appreciate me back then. Now is a different story. He is a very loving, funny, smart, sexy and one of a kind man, apart from when it comes to sex- with me.

I am deeply saddened and confused. He says he wants to be better and seeked help already. So I appreciate him for that. He also realizes that it is not fair to me and that he hates to do this to me. I have to admit that I get really scared to read some of the comments about getting out while you can. I don't know if I being stupid by having my hopes up?

We don't have kids yet and thanks for warning to not have kids while we have this issue. I asked him if he is interested in other women but me and he isn't. He said he is just numb. No porn issues either. Like all of you here, I am a good woman. I am pretty, smart, funny, witty, have a good body, curvy, well groomed, I am an excellent cook and a baker, I clean and have no sexual inhibitions.

I have really strong urges that end up getting rejected. I let my flame die most times because I am tired of begging and arguing. I try to "take care of myself" but the toys don't make me feel loved or satisfied like my husband can make me. I am dying inside every moment in this marriage.

Ladies, I wish for you all that you win your love back soon. You all deserve to be loved and cherished. I feel your pain. Believe in your love. Talk to your men. Seek help. And pray.

Take care.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe these men LIE about what the real issues are. Mine lied and I could NEVER get the TRUTH from him.

Just don't be too gullible.
I have been kinda ruined for ALL men. God is my man and I have prayed to HIM. If He wants me to have a man, he will send the RIGHT one my way....if not...I am content with my Heavenly Father and my eternal life. God didn't make us to go through this foolish pain. This is outright sin on the mans part to cause such pain to the wonderful wife that he gave him. The bible even says it's a sin to withhold sex from your spouse. My guess is always some type of PORN. Maybe there is the 25% that have something else....but for MOST of these guys it's porn and lying about it....trust me on this. Get on the "Every Mans Battle website and read what some of the man say. I PRAY you can work it out with him. God Bless

PS. Read what God says about sex and marriage:

http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/som/5_27.htm

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't is crazy how all of us women think the same! We just want to be loved, even just a little! I was a 24 yr old virgin when I met my husband! (I was actually saving myself for marriage). That didn't happen, we hooked up, got married 2 yrs later, and the sex stopped soon after we got married. I have cried and begged but NOTHING has changed. Now I'm 29 yrs old, my time clock is ticking and I'm ready for a baby but I don't know if I want to be stuck with him forever! Plus I feel I run the risk of never re-marrying and never having a family and that's what scares me the most. I've invested my prime yrs with him. I really do love him and we don't fight about anything else! Actually, whenever I try to talk to him about the whole sex thing he never says anything! I know he's not cheating on me and am pretty sure he doesn't look at porn. How do I know? Because all he does is plays computer games from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed. He just doesn't seem interested in sex at all! The only excuse he has made is that his back hurts (from work). Well it's gotten to the point where we have sex like once a month and that's when I initiate it. Some women on this blog have mentioned getting it "only once a week" and I'm even jealous of that! I'm now starting to become angry and am feeling resentful. Every time I see a pregnant girl my age I immediately think wow she's getting some and I'm not. I've considered getting off the pill just because I'm so sick of taking it for nothing! I don't believe in divorce and I am a very loyal person, and easy to please I think. (If only guys knew how easy it is to make a woman happy, it really doesn't take much) I thought I was the only one with this problem. I never thought I would be in a situation like this! I didn't even know it was possible! I lost my virginity 5 yrs ago to him and I still feel young and sexy and I'm not ready for a sex-less marriage. I think I need to leave him while I'm ahead and still young (that is if therapy doesn't help) as hard as it would be for me.

One girl mentioned she's engaged and is already having this problem...leave him now! Don't wait for it to get better because it probably won't. Then you'll have to go through a divorce and that's harder than just being able to break up with someone.

I have 6 yrs of college, 2 associate's degrees and a Bachelor's degree, I have a good job, I think I'm attractive, I'm not model skinny but thin enough. My self esteem is just going in the tubes thinking there was something wrong with me but seeing all these women with the same problem makes me realize it's not me it's him and I thank you all for sharing your stories!

3:03 PM  
Blogger Soni said...

WOW, that's crazy! My cousin actually saved herself for her husband AND so did her husband. They were both virgins when they got married. She was like 25 and he was 23. Now they are separated and soon to be divorced! They were married for like 3 years. Sexless marraige!!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?????? This must be an epedemic or something. Needless to say, out of nowhere he got hooked to porn, even though he had NEVER been into that kind of stuff before. He was the type of guy who won't go to a party unless it's a Jesus party and even then he won't dance, because it's sinful. I'm really starting to thing that this might be a payback of nature or some type of Karma thing. Like, the effects of ignoring laws of nature, and orders of nature (the ones not yet discovered by most scientists). Something might be catching up on the world. What do you guys think?

8:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, I just think guys are too insecure and it's easier to jack off to porn than to have REAL sex with a REAL woman!

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, I do agree that this could be some type of strange payback for ignoring the laws of nature. Just look at TV today endless YOUNG, scantily clad females on literally every program no matter what the type. Also notice all of the very young nubile girls always paired up with Old "codgers" on sitcms and talk shows. In my estimation it is truly digusting! I think that the media has DESTROYED mens ideas of what a NORMAL female really looks like.....it is proven that after a male looks at images of very young beautiful females his opinion of his OWN woman is lowered!! Its so shocking to see scandals like the Tiger Woods debacle, I mean for God's sake, look at the sheer numbers of young, beautiful sexy women that man plowed through! And what do ya bet his poor sweet lovely wife was getting just ENOUGH sex to keep her pregnant 2 years in a row!!!It gags me to see such stuff and i will bet its just the tip of the iceberg today....morals are extinct!

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes morals ARE extinct!! For MOST men with a conscience this gets old and not satisfying. It's like a drug....always needing more, more....

Again, I listened to this radio show today and believe me you do not want a guy if he's NOT a Christian man!!! Good Christian men are struggling with this problem!!!...but they are finding help with this "Every Mans Battle" workshop but only IF they want the help!!! There are just as many who probably say...."this is great, who needs help"? They will because there WILL be a price 2 pay!!! Even Mr. Tiger is paying a price now and he will pay an even bigger price one day!! Poor sap!The bible says there IS pleasure in sin FOR A SEASON...

7:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy, I guess the good Dr. on this website is so right when he said that it is all about pursuit, newness, and men not wanting to "get down and dirty" with their wives once the bloom is off the rose! Tiger Woods is a perfect example of just that.....beautiful young wife at home with the kiddiepies, buts thats too tame and boring, time to go out and find some new stuff.....man this is so pitiful. All the stuff my dearly departed Dad had told me about men decades ago was right on!! Men only truly desire what they DON'T yet have, and tire very easily of what they have right in front of them. Maybe all of these polygamists are the only HONEST men out there. YUK!

12:31 PM  
Blogger Soni said...

Uh uh! Hold up though! Not all men act on these instincts like that. You've got lots of men who just do whatever their insticts may think they feel. But not all. I strongly believe that. So there are guys who take care of business at home and keep their business AT HOME!!

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The funny part about it is the stereotypes that men have out there about the husbands always wanting sex and chasing the wife around and complaining about not getting enough, etc. Haha...their ego's have put that fake message out into the community to make them feel macho when the fact is...THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE!
I wish we could take a poll because I think this problem is really big.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Soni said...

It would be very nice to get a Reality study going?

12:58 PM  
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10:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We have been together for 13 years. We had great sex when we were dating. Once we got married the frequency of sex slowly decreased. We have a four year old child. We have sex maybe two to three times a year. I do the begging. He is not turned on by me at all. He doesn't even get an erection and if he does it doesn't last. We did have a heart to heart and he mentioned my weight gain and general appearance. It is heart breaking and I feel alone and embarrassed. I don't really know what to do? Losing the weight has been a constant battle for me. He is a great father to our child and a great husband. I sometimes feel like we are housemates or buddies raising a child. We get along very well. But this sexless marriage is eating away at me!

8:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am on the same boat, but not going to repeat what you have already written. My husband has puppy love for me: cuddling me a lot, is perfectly affectionate, but lacks passion for me. On porn, i noticed he watches a porn prior to our love making in secret. He knows how much it means to me and wants to have me satisfied, puts an effort, but it looks so insincere. A few nights ago i caught him masturbating next to me sleeping. When I made a move he hurried up to hide it. It hurts a lot. He is not attracted to me. On the other hand, he gets very frustrated when i even watch films where a wife is unfaithful. He says it is his greatest fear.im wonder if i should have gotten married at all. I feel i am losing connection to him and probably will get over it and lose interest in him, but not in sex. It will probably affect our relationship in a bad way. I tried talking to him. He promised he would try harder and he does, but not in his heart.
My best friend has her husband crazy about her after ten years of marriage. This is how. She takes care of her appearance, but she is not very slim. She puts on sexy clothes and goes out with other girls, thus keeping her husband guessing where she is and why she is dressed like that. Maybe we should do the same. Just let go. Kill the wish and fantasize about someone else and be thankful for what we have in the marriage.

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I finally got divorced because that was what my husband was doing (looking everywhere but home). For me I wouldn't do what he's doing because thats not the kind of person I am.
Yes, maybe it is a fantasy to be in love, have great sex, and love the one your with (to me it's easy)..but if there is no such thing (from a man's point of view), then so be it!
For me...what's the point of getting married then? Thats NOT what I wanted in a marriage. To be honest, I would rather be single and I am just fine being by myself. In the mean time my ex has had about 20 different "serious girlfriends" since we divorced 10 years ago.
About the only thing I "really" miss is having an intact family for my kids/grandkids at Holidays and family functions (even though they're grown)...it would be nice. Other than that I'll wait for a night in shinning armor....if he never comes so be it. I don't NEED sex that bad! It's really NOT about the sex perse'.....for me it's just about having the one you married and love be attracted to you and really care about you and you only....and to be married to someone who doesn't even want to get it on with you is ridiculous!!! IMO Haha..

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So to the person who posted the link "what does childbirth look like" Are you trying to say that is the reason ALL these men are the way they are???
NOT! What about the men who haven't seen the babies being born?
1/2 or MORE on here!
Thats a bogus argument anyway...if my husband had his nuts/unit turned inside out in a car accident and they were all messed up and bloody...(after they were cleaned up)....I wouldn't be turned off for the rest of my life!!!! That is such BS!!! Good try...bad/bogus excuse for a human...

10:59 AM  
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3:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married for 23 years and my husband told me a couple of years ago that he wasn't ever attracted to me and only married me because I was pregant (after dating for 3 years). My husband loves me, has never cheated, and wants to stay married for the rest of our lives. However, I know that he does not find me attractive and I know of specific women that he does find attractive. I am not a jealous person and all of a sudden can't help but be jealous all the time. I am depressed. By the way, I am tall, thin, athletic and in shape. I am in better shape now than I was when I was dating my husband! I feel like such a failure. I can't leave my family...I just want to die.

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your husband is abusive. It's just a different kind of abuse!

10:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate to with some exceptions. I am 32 and my husband is 33. We have been married for four months, in total little more than a year since the time we met.He has been adorable in many ways, always thinking how to please me.Unfortunately i think that is what he is doing with our sex life. Even though he says he has never been more relaxed and never enjoyed sex with any woman as he did with me, i am still not convinced he is actaully attracted to me. He seems to be the one into the fantasy alot. He used to collect photos of real world beauties and i dont think he finds me attrcative because, though i am pretty, i am not like a model. He is trying to do something about our sex life. I see he makes love to me even when he is tired, for this weekend he is planning to take me on a weekend trip so we r more relaxed and intimate. I am four months pregnant. However, the simple fact that his desire doesnt come naturally, but as a way of pleasing me puts me off so much. At first i was so miserable, so sad, cried a lot, especially the night i caught him masturbating by my side thinking i was asleep. when i stirred thinking he might want to have sex with me, he acted confused and ashamed and made sure i fell asleep again. I dont talk about it anymore. I am losing a wish for making love with him and catch myself pretending to be asleeep if he moves in a way that could point to his will to make love. Simply beacuse i feel he is just doing it to please me because he has a puppy love for me. He hugs me all the night long and whispers how sorry he is. Says how tired he feels and that he will make it up to me.It even hurts more when he doesnt notice that i dont want it as much as i used to. He says i feel tighter now and not ever thinking it is because i dont get wet almost at all due to my declined desire. Forgot to mention that i complained about our frequency of making love (once or twice a week) and him watching porn. He stopped watching it to please me but nothing changed. He just loses his erection easily and said once he feels it is because i made such a problem of making love that he is worried about not beinf able to perform well. at first it took him ages to finish, saying i feel too wet, now when i am not wet enough he has no control over his performance and finishes within a minute saying i feel too stimulating.I wish some men would comment to this.My husband didnt have a long'term relationship, just short ones before he met me.My insecurity is th eproblem now. i dont feel good,wanted. i feel like a simolr good wife.

4:24 AM  
Blogger Ginger said...

LADIES LISTEN UP!!! Go get the book or the audio book ( from the library),Why Mars and Venus Collide, by Ph.d John Gray. I listen to the audio book during my morning workouts. John Gray also reads his own book for the audiobook. IT IS VERY INFORMATIVE! PLEASE read it. It definately gives answers as to why this,,,, husband not attracted anymore, growing trend. Also why the wife is not attracted in return. But it also gives a great understanding in many other areas in marriage that we MUST know about!

8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm also at my wits end.
My husband and i got married 3 months ago, during the engagement there was no sex since it is the way we were brought up. What always made me suspisious was the fact that he never even made attempts to kiss, hug or touch me. I thought it might be difficult for him since we couldnt take it any further. I was so looking forward to the wedding night. Since then we only had sex a handful of times and most of those times he was drunk. I confronted him about this and he brushed it off saying he has so much on his mind with his work and other stuff. He says why are u complaining that i dont want to have sex all the time. The thing is it's driving me mad because besides the sex he's just not intimate with me at all, no hugging no kissing no nothing.
he says it's just not in him..but he's very affectionate with his friends and family. i feel rejected. I'm a beautiful young woman, all his friends like me and tell him how lucky he is..
I jsut dont know what to do anymore...

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am crying as im writting this im only 23 and im goin through the same thing if not worse. My boyfriend dont even like to kiss me he jokes around and say ill but i knw thats how he really feel cuz he wouldve kissed me. He really dnt like to be around me i jus found out so he try to hang out more with his friends or spend da night at his friends house. Even when i try to cuddle with him he tells me to give him a break. Dnt know what to do i mean i really luve him but i feel so unloved. I know im a attracted young women cause i get alot of attention outside. We hav a one year old child together so maybe its the twenty pounds i gain. How can they expect you to lose weight if you are depressed all the time. That dont make any sense. If i talk to him about it he dont want to hear it so i have to keep everything in. Cant really talk to my family or friends cause im sooo embarrased bout the situation. I think i really need help maybe its jus me. I will tell you one thing i knw for a fact he dont love me no more. I dont know why these men dont tell us if thy are not attracted or dont want us no more. Its betta then stringing us along on a dead relationship thats goin no where. At this point i really dont knw what to do.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married for 13 years and dated for 3 years prior. The sex was great during the dating and for the first 2 years of marriage. All of a sudden it went to once a weeek, then once a month, then every couple of months, then a couple of years. At first I didn't notice, then I told him I couldn't do this. This is my 2nd marriage and he was my perfect man. I went into a deep depression. We worked on once a week, that didn't last long. Last year we seperated for 5 months, we recently got back together. He came clean about an affair. He too told me he wasn't physically attracted to me. What is wrong with me? I am a little overweight, but if you love someone that shouldn't make a difference. I am pretty, 44, intelligent, kind, caring, loyal. I have younger men ask me out all the time. I have doctors & lawyers ask me out all the time. What is the problem? I am not raw liver! The problem is the men! The problem is my husband! I told him that today. He is to hold my hand because he loves me. Hug me because he loves me. Kiss me because he loves me. Ladies I would take love over physical attraction any day but the men have to man up and live up to their end of the deal in the marriage with love comes intimacy with intimacy comes sex! no if's and's or but's. If it don't come naturally get viagra. I will post after a couple of weeks and advise on the progress or not.

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck with that! Ask him to go to a meeting called "Every mans battle"....look it up online. Maybe you can go with him...they have marriage weekends.
I would have done it back when this happened to me...but I didn't know about it! I got divorced and to be honest it was probably the best for me because I couldn't live like that...it was torture!!! I'm happier being single. Good Luck and keep us posted.

4:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The other perspective: I love my wife but I've lost my sexual desire for her. We've been together for five years. The thing that women don't seem to understand and that I believe is true of most men is that we don't view sex as an expression of love. We, or at least I, separate sex and love... two completely different things. This is why I love my wife, can't imagine spending my life with anyone else, but at the same time I'm not attracted to her anymore. I still attempt to have sex with her occassionally just to make her feel wanted but she can tell it isn't sincere and that just hurts her more, so now I try less frequently. There are things she could do, wear, try that might spark my sexual interest again; but she's so sensitive about her looks that she's made it impossible for me to have an open, honest discussion with her. If I even mention something that she could change or improve to help the situation she gets her feelings hurt. My advice to women in this situation is to promote open communciation with your husband. Don't make him so afraid of hurting your feelings that he can't even talk to you about what's bothering him.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very nice of you to be honest as a man--however, "love" is an action word. I have had sex many times with my husband when I didn't really want to and I wasn't particularly "attracted" to him. To be honest...she may not be attracted to you either. Physical attraction and lust has NOTHING to do with fullfilling marriage vows and making someone feel loved/appreciated/wanted and respected.

If you really love your wife FAKE IT! Get some viagra-go to the doctor and have regular "love making sessions" with her. If you don't you better start imagining your life with someone else...cause it WILL happen. Especially since you've only been married 5 years!! Good gracious sir! What a sad cop-out....sigh...

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It isn't a cop-out when I'm MORE than willing to work at it and to improve the love making. Nothing would make me happier, but it takes TWO to make it work. As long as her self-esteem issues force me to tip-toe on egg shells around her and I can't talk openly with her then how am I supposed to move forward? I do occassionaly "fake it" as you say, but she can see right through it. She can tell the difference between an obligatory kiss and a passionate one.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg! are you kidding me? I know this is quite a ways down from the comment I am going to respond to but.... LADY are you living in the 40's ???? Women don't live their lives for men anymore! Why should a woman live like a servant cook, clean, raise the children alone????? And furthermore WORK outside the home, because it takes more than one job to raise children anymore unless you marry into money, which lets be honest how often does than occur??? My husband does just as much as me in our home and outside of our home and may I add he is very good at it..... so ladies unless you are seriously the offspring of June Cleaver than your husbands problems are definately not because you don't look beautiful or cook them a 5 course meal each night! I would almost wonder if some of these husbands had alterior motives for getting married like citizenship or an inheritence or somehting along those lines.......

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nahhh...probably just too much pron and fantasy life!!! Nothing ever lives up to the fantasy of porn!

5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Husbands can be real jerks, no matter who you become, what makeovers, what you wear, how you act, how much you change who you are to please him.. most husbands will remain jerks, they cheat and lie and lie again, then they get mad when you find out and try to make you think you are crazy or you are to blame for it all. Ladies with these kinds of husbands and nothing has worked this long, give it up!! I did.. The are usually closet porn addicts, are masturbating in private and searching the single websites when you are not home, they mark single status on accounts and forget about them offering any kind of mental support, patience or understanding. They are greedy, selfish and they do not deserve you passion, love and trust.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Husbands can be real jerks, no matter who you become, what makeovers, what you wear, how you act, how much you change who you are to please him.. most husbands will remain jerks, they cheat and lie and lie again, then they get mad when you find out and try to make you think you are crazy or you are to blame for it all. Ladies with these kinds of husbands and nothing has worked this long, give it up!! I did.. The are usually closet porn addicts, are masturbating in private and searching the single websites when you are not home, they mark single status on accounts and forget about them offering any kind of mental support, patience or understanding. They are greedy, selfish and they do not deserve you passion, love and trust.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha...I agree with the last writer!! I gave it up and I am a much better person for it! I had an opportunity last night to be standing next to about 5 guys who were hangin around a bar at a casino. They all looked like decent hardworking guys...when one by one their wives walked up and then away again...clearly the wives were mad cause the guys were probably supposed to hang out with them...but all the guys ended up hangin at the bar. So the best part of it was that I had a front row seat at a machine close by and I could hear there conversations as the wives walked up and then walked away again. Every one of those guys talked crap about their wives and then proceded to drool over EVERY GIRL or cocktail waitress that walked by!!!
I got to sit there and listen to this for a good hour and ALL they talked about the entire time was OTHER WOMEN and what bitches their wives were!!! When I left there I was sooooo glad to be single and I felt sooooo bad for those ladies!!!!

6:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi I'm in same boat my husband says he loves me and that I am good enough for him but every time I try to get some action he laughs and pulls away .I have tried talking about it but he says he is tired because of his job.
We got together 13 years ago and he does say that I wasn't his type but not sure what he meant by that as I have been told by friends that I'm too good for him as he is 9yrs older and looks a bit scary .I have had weight problems for past 8yrs as I turn to food for comfort I did loss the weight for our wedding 2 years ago and felt great as he was more sexually active because other men were trying it on with me as I work in a bar but then after the wedding he started getting back into the old ways again he doesn't kiss me or show me any affection he thinks that buying me nice birthday and Xmas pressents will substatute the none existant love live but I'd rather have nothing and more intermacy.I threaten to leave if things don't change but he just turns around and says why did I marry him if I wasn't happy but I thought things were gonna change .I think that I'm so gross that he make things up to keep away .I am only 35 and want a loving marrage but can't see it happening my son loves him to bits as he has been his step dad since he was 2 he came on the honeymoon too and spent most of it watching footie while I sat there bored we only had sex once in the whole 2wks He made the excuse that couldn't do anything because my son was there but my son was in a separate bedroom so down hill from there really :(

1:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reading these stories make me feel worst than before. I am in my early 30's and my hubby in his late 30's, we have been married for almost 8 years and been together for 10. Our sex life has been great up to 2 years ago, I found out that he was cheating on me for over a year and I was leaving him but I decided to stay and work it out. I asked him way he cheated, he said because my body wasn't tight anymore (three kids) and that the younger woman made him feel sexy and young, the funny thing is I thought I was doing the same thing, I would leave notes, texts, tell him how sexy he is and how big his thing is, the nine yards. Since then I have transform my body, got a boob job, work out, everything. I am a very sexual person, I love sex and we had alot of mad crazy sex, sometime three times a day and now I may be lucky to get it twice a month. I love my husband but I can't deal with this and I am not living like this any longer and I told him this. He acts as if I am crazy, he denies it and blame it on being tired and other crap. I am a damn sexy woman and men and women chasing after me all the time and yet my husband is acting the fool. I ask for sex most of the time and other times I guess you smiles on me and give it up (lucky me - yeh right). I wear sexy clothing when we go out, I sleep in sexy nightwear or nothing at all and yet nothing. I am a while put together woman. I cry myself to cry most of the time, I feel so ashame and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I asked my husband if he still finds me sexy and he says yes but that has to be a lay. He is a wonderful man, he shows me up when we are in public but behind close doors sometimes its if I do not exist. I believe he is cheating again and I am at a point I might end up cheating on him. Help me please. We did counseling before too (alot).

10:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ladies don't "cheat on him" as one of you suggested....do what you have to do but don't expect your man to change. It is NOT about the way you look or your weight...it's all about him being tired of you and wanting something "new" that is ALL it is in a nutshell.
Get close to God and know that you don't have to go around changing for any man....you don't "need" him to make you happy!
Cultivate your own lives and leave him behind if need be...but don't cheat because then you are bringing yourselves down to his level. He is being sold a bill of good by this world system that tells him he can have his cake and eat it too! He can't! He will fail miserably...you ladies just make sure your hearts are right with God...pray and He will do the rest! We were born with something in us that makes us want to please a man....and he was born with something that makes him want to chase women...he can change and so can you with Gods help and put Him FIRST in your life and all the rest will fall into place. Good Luck and God Bless

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can totally sympathize with all the blogs. I have been through the same thing for 17 years of 21 years of marriage and my husband is 14 years older than me I am attractive and slim. I Can say that most of these men are very selfish and its all about there needs they don't think about the emotional scares and torment that they cause the women they claim to love. I belive these men hide many things from their wives, they are not open and honest. We need to be logical. If you do not have a physical or psycholgical problem then there would be no reason why you should not be intimate with your wife it is your duty as a husband and vice versa. If you are not attracted to your wife then why are these men not honest about their feelings and seek a therapist to help their relationship or leave, and allow your wife to move on as all of these women are deserving of love and intimacy and there are many good men out their that would be willing to give affection,sex and love. it is not the wives fault why is it always about the women doing all the work on themselves as one blogger wrote dress well, and look after yourself I bet most of the men do not have a 6 pack. I hear a lot of porn being mentioned but no one has yet to mention prostitues a lot of married men visit prostitutes and their wives would never know and that could be one of the reason they are not having sex at home and that can all destroy the man's relationship and how he views sex. Men do not consider seeing a prostitute cheating as they can seperate sex and love as the doctor wrote. I wonder if these men would pass a lie detector test. We all deserve to be loved and depriving someone of affection is cruel there are so many good men out there your have to let go of the wrong one so the right one can come along.

6:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I been married for just one year and im afraid i can hold on any longer i am young and attractive im so embarrased to have this sex needs and im not the type of women that cheat this is not my first relationship but it is the first time i felt like this unwanted,unsexy unhappy i just dont know what to do.is this a reason for a divorse my mother has always told me that the main thing in a relationship is sex and what happens if there none to be honest i dont need a roomate i need a man am a bad person bad for thinking this way i love hem with all my heart but i cant live like this what can i do

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I start to wonder if love really exsist what is love he tells me he loves me and that he cant live with out me but he shows me no affection just words so i think to my self does love really exsist.I love hem so much but I think how can i love hem we hardly have sex the last time we did was 3 weeks ago and i dirint even enjoyed it im comfused i start to think am better off alone am shure ill forget him even do its going to be hard because i love hem....

11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 24 years old, have been married for almost 4 years, and started dating my husband 10 years ago. Everything was fine- until we got married. Then it was every excuse under the sun not to have sex with me; I'm tired, I have jock itch, I have a headache or he'd be asleep by the time I walked into the room- now? I'm lucky if he kisses me goodbye when he goes to work. I'm so miserable and sad, I hate myself... And after reading all of this, I feel like there really is NOTHING I can do. There is nothing I can do or say that will change the way he feels about me, because I'm family, I'm "loved", I'm the "mother" (we have a daughter, 9 months) now, I dont deserve sex. I dont deserve to feel good about myself. But because I am all those things and less to him, it should be ok for him to find someone who is not family? who IS exciting? So he can hurt me a little more? I feel useless. What can I do? Nothing. And whats the point in leaving him and finding someone else? Eventually he will feel the same way also? Perhaps I am better off being alone, because I can't get any lonlier being single.

11:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right!! I actually feel better being by myself!! When you are with a guy who treats you like that and you are laying in bed every night NOT having sex..it totally makes you feel worse! I would MUCH RATHER be alone!!

7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a college graduate but I needed a place to stay, things werent looking up for me. I began talking to a guy I knew from a certain child celebrity (male) website he used to run. The celebrity is about 4 years younger than him but he focused mainly on kid pictures. I accused him of being gay, he denyed it & I believed him. He had never been with a woman before... one of the 1st emails he sent me after we agreed to hook up was really perverse and not in a romantic way at all.. like wanting to put his tounge deep in my behind.. It was wierd a & upsetting but I threw caution to the wind, and got with this dude. Later on he admited he did like the celebrity kid in a homosexual way and he had gay fantasies of other men..truth is i think hes bisexual. He never was into me ever. I am thin, pretty (some say beautiful) and waay better looking than him and I have good oral and overall hygiene..yet I always caught him looking at other women & hed deney it, hed never compliment me or say he loves me or anything sincere of his own free will only if I pushed him, asking "why dont u tell me.." Nothing is sincere.. he masterbated from the beginning and we didnt have sex from the beginning... so I left time & again and he didnt even seem to be upset by that. Because we never dated he took me for granted right away.. he couldnt even get an errection this has never happened to me before and it hurt so bad.. eventually that I stripped myself naked, screamed and scratched at my skin till it bled screaming "Why dont you want me!!! Will you please fuck me???!" I pressed and pressed, till finally he admitted to looking at porn... so he preferred porn over me, some sluts over me, he showed me this trash some rich (theyre rich in that business) online whores licking eachothers ..stuff and their behinds all out .. well I wont elaborate.. its just not cool, hes never even bought me lingerie or wanted to do anything.. he gave all his sexual energy to filth and neglected me, i mean i was soo (and still am) depressed that my damn hair was falling out & I was jus lying on the shower floor for hours, I stayed up all night and slep during the day, and he would just masterbate and look at porn and he would never have even told me. he wants kids, he wants this mother object this housekeeper this fascade but then he wants to fool around and eye every girl and he says hes stopped but I dont trust him at all I would rather be single but I have nowhere & its not an option, if I acted cool with it, it wouldnt stop and if I throw a fit hell make believe to stop and even if he stops with porn he wont ever stop checking chicks out but he says I need to have higher self esteem...how.? First time came here.. he asked if I was going to stay.. I said I didnt know. he said "thats okay being with you has given me the courage to find other women. " I repeated what he said in shock. And he with legs crossed like a homosexual said yes... "being with you gave me the courage to find other women."

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the same boat and I am really surprised to see so many women having a similar problem. This is something I can never discuss with anyone except my husband. But, can you believe if I say that my husband just walked away saying that "I love you, it is just that I am stressed out due to work and not able to give you enough time. I realized this for myself, and I am sorry for hurting you. But I will definitely keep this in mind and start making the relationship interesting from NOW on."

I am really not sure when this "NOW" is going to come in my life though.

It has been 7 months that we are married now. Both of us are VIRGINS. Can you imagine how a male and a female who did not taste sex can live under one roof without having sex? Is it possible? I never knew it was possible till i am experiencing it.
Okay, fine forget about sex. what about the caresses,the kisses, hugs,the affectionate and caring talk ....nthg...I am just an add-on to his house who replaced his cook, his maid and officially changed his staus to married.

Even in his free time, Hats off to the electronic gadgets that keep my man occupied...the computer, the WII, the TV, the phone.
I am hardly given time to talk.Either its his turn to talk to let me know how he wants things to happen and what to happen or just keep quiet and leave him some privacy.
I get frustrated every night, and that ruins my mornings. He acts ignorant even when I stay calm and dull. He thinks I have got some psychic problem like depression.GOD!!!

I really dont know what to do...I dont want to beg him for love and at the same time I cant stand loneliness or being left out; thats my biggest fear which I already let him about.

And not to say , I am really attractive, clean, friendly, caring, I dont know what is wrong with me and how I can correct myself incase I am missing something.

Suggest me something....Please!

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why does life have to be so traditional and complex. divorce is the answer sometimes.. Ladies.. Men are attracted to strong minded kind hearted women who don't take shit from anybody.. and even that isn't good enough.. I am going to side with the good men out there though. If there are any!! haha joke. There are some good ones. For the good men who are out there, I am proud of you guys. As for the lame ones, men like to preach and preach about how stupid women are. Well.. it might be true if you are gonna stick around and be a doormat. Why? Why do women let men make them feel so insecure? It is so stupid. We are women and we are the stronger sex no matter what men think.. we keep the fort together. and yes there are many stupid women out there, but it is not if you are a man or woman.. it is the individual. Ladies don't be afraid to tell your man to shut his big fat mouth.. they are worse naggers than we will ever be.. and more negative.. they cannot even clean a house the right way because that is how smart they are. I am a woman who can do a woman's and a mans job. i am no feminist and believe in equal rights and sometimes feel bad for men. But do I take shit from my husband that I have been with for 11 years? Hell no!!!!! I want to die happy and we do not have a really long time to live if you think about it. You do not have to stick around to be treated like crap or to not be touched or to not be loved or to not be treated like you are that sexy Blonde or brunette your husband wants to cheat on you with. Please for the love of god stand up to your man.. they hate and love it.. if you do not get some good sex from that.. well then there is no answer other than leaving his sorry but. I know first hand that men are more insecure than us and they need us. they just don't like to talk about there feelings because most of them do not know how to really live life!! it doesn't even matter if you have kids, you can still leave, its not the 50's.. put it this way.. I am number 1 in my life.. because if i do not condition myself to be what is right in my eyes and in the eyes of others.. that is one less good example for all women out there. and men ~~~this may not be the best advice but, i think i could possibly be one of the happiest women i know! :) be the woman you want to be. pleaseee!!! it's never to late.. even if you are in your 40s or 50s.. just do it.. be the happy woman you want to be!!

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally agree with sinistersai4d's comment, as a man.

His comment is not lewd or degrading but honestly truth. Wives may not want to hear it but most of us who's having this problem are either physical or mental, even both. I can totally relate to what he stated in his comment, mentally; plus I do have physical problems. I am looking for solutions too to save my marriage, at least his comments opened up conversation.

8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HELLO.i been reading all of your story and i am in the same boat as you all have.i been married for 10years and of coures sex life and ect is really good is what all woman could ask for really,mking love every single night for a year,foreplay and so on,after this period of time things change slowly ,specially in making love.somtime we dont have sexfor two week,ifthingsget reallybad sometime even longer 3months.

3:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First off, I am an American and my fiance is Spanish and we live in Spain. I have been with fiance for 7 years more or less. For the first few years we had a healthy sexual relationship and then it went from little to no sex. After intimacy stopped, we still stayed together, but meanwhile there were some infidelities, mainly on his part. I left him in March of 2009 and we were separated for a little more than a year. Last July we decided to meet up again and it was then that he asked me to marry him, that we start anew and forgive each other for the past. During this rendevous, we were sexually attracted to each other and everything was fine. I accepted the proposal and decided to move back to Spain to marry him. I moved back this past October and we began the marriage paperwork. Since having moved back, we have been intimate only twice and a few failed attempts. We've spoken, and he has admitted that he has no desire to be intimate with me. It is the only thing that is wrong with our relationship but that being said, it is also killing us. We don't know what to do, he doesn't know why he doesn't feel sexual attraction towards me, despite the fact that he finds me attractive and enjoys my personality, etc.. I am at a loss as to how to solve this issue and my only idea is to go to a sexologist. However, he does not want to go to couples therapy. I am confused as to how/why he could feel desire at some times and then lose this desire later. I do not try to do anything to spark the desire (i.e., stimulate him). We are very loving and we hug and kiss daily and while sleeping. We have decided to postpone our plans to marry as a result of this loss of sexual attraction. I am considering going to couples therapy by myself. Although, I think it may be meaningless as I am not the one suffering from the loss of desire. I would like to request any advice you might have.

Thank you."

8:07 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Sometimes I wonder if God is testing my constitution. I asked to be loved by an honest, sincere man who willfully would share their life with me..things I didn’t have with my ex. I to this day feel like I got what I wanted, but he is just not attracted to me. He looks sometimes looks at porn for self gratification or seeks out attention of exes online. We have sex is spurts of 2 x in a weekend, then nothing for 6 weeks. He doesn’t notice when I cut or dye my hair, loose or gain wait..I am a neutral person in his life.

I suspect he is regretting ever getting married to me, as he recently admitted this is not the first time these issues have come up for him, unfortunately he would not admit this because of his high sense of loyalty.

Its been over a yr or marriage and we are now in what almost feels like is a plutonic relationship. My mind wanders and I have began to have lustful dreams about intimacy with other men and I wake up hating myself for this.
I pray diligently for a solution, but I am worried that this will always

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you serious?! He doesn't sound loyal, he sounds like an ass!!!
He is mentally abusing you...tell him to go to counseling with you and work on the marriage, live with it, or leave him. Those are your three choices....because trust me it wont get any better...so ask yourself "in 10 years from now, do I want to be laying here frustrated like this and miserable?"
He is who he is so if you decide to live with it, dont hold a grudge about it. Just know you wont get anything better...but if he's this type of guy, my guess is that he will be cheatin on you within a year (if he hasn't already)...sorry, its just the harsh reality.
Good Luck and God Bless You

11:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm really surprised at all the responses. I truly felt I was the only one having this issue. My husband has also called me a whore because I want sex more often then he does, which is only about once a week if I'm lucky. I told him he should tell his friends this so they could laugh at him. I mean, isn't it always said by men that sex stops when they get married? What they neglect to say is that it's the men that hold out not the women. The lack of sex doesn't seem to bother my husband but I'm ready to leave the marriage. I'm 44 and feel like I'm in my sexual prime and am not willing to settle for a sexless marriage. We love each other but I don't feel that love alone can sustain a marriage!

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are me 10 years ago...I was never so miserable in all my life! Yea, what a joke the men are! Acting like it's the women who dont want sex any more after marriage!!! Haha Im telling you its better to be alone then to be abused like that.....When you are still a young woman why would you stay in a sexless marriage??? And usually the guy wont talk about it either...which makes the woman more sad and angry. They will just make excuses like they are tired or whatever...RIDICULOUS!

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, after reading the stories it makes me wonderif I have any hope in my marriage. We have been married since Feb 06 alittle over four years now. Our sex life is none no more. I'm so broken hearted by words he speaks to me and actions he takes when I try to get close. We've only had sex twice in the last year and it's hard to understand why. No kissing, no holding hands, no touching. He would rather kiss me on the forehead like a dog and say goodnight than to kiss me. He tells me that he loves me very much, but he isn't interested in sex or not part of it. I have to admitted in Nov he got hurt at work and now has 13 disc ruptcured and on pain meds, but I feel he could still try to satify me. He don't in anyway try or even want to try. He is getting ready to have the first surgery of three on his back. I really feel our marriage is over and I want to leave, but then again in my heart I do still love him and don't want him to go through the surgeries alone. Why can't men open their eyes and see what women need. I am only 41 and he is 43. This is both second marriages for us and I don't want it to fail but it seems it is going that way. He threw something at the TV last night when I brought it up to him again about the lack of my feelings dealing with this isssue, now we have to go purchase another TV because he busted the flat screen. I'm so confused and really need help before I just lose it. Please let me get some advice. He stays home and has since his injury in Nov so I don't think it's another girl in the picture but I just can't really firgure it out. This was going on before he got hurt. Aug 14th 2010 was the last time and he didn't get hurt until Nov 2010. Is there just no hope????

10:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have been married 43 years and 30 of those years have been sexless. One day he just up and told me there would be no more sex from him. He thought I was boring, and unattractive. I was shocked and he just said no more. No kids or anything, that hit me hard. He said that if I wanted sex go else where. He also claimed he thought sex was also boring and a total waste of his time. I'm treated as a friend, he just doesn't want me around him. So I'm so depressed by all this! I don't think I even remember what sex was like. He's happy!!! Also he's not gay or into porn, I wish he was then I would know whats wrong.

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married for almost 17 yrs and we dated 3 yrs before we got married. the first 2 yrs sex was good, he was not the most giving partner but it was plentiful, fun and exciting - most of all he WANTED me passionately. Then we got engaged - so our problems began! Almost overnight he completely lost interest in me sexually. In response to this change I thought it was probably a natural phase, that there will be times thru the years ahead that I may lose interest. I thought that as a couple go thru such phases it is up to the other partner to spice things up and tweak their interest again. I began to initiate sex which I'd never had much opportunity to do b4 bc he always did b4 I got a chance. His response devastated me, it was like my sexual advances were making him embarrassed! I stopped 4 a while and sex was almost non-existent. Then unable to go on I summoned my courage and tried again, I began wearing lingerie, once I ripped off my knickers while he was driving and threw them out the sunroof and began playing with myself - he was concerned about how much I had paid 4 the G-string and asked if we should go back for it. When I touched him he would giggle and say it was ticklish, the same touches that previously had turned him on wildly. Now I have spent almost 18 yrs in an almost sexless, completely passionless marriage. I have tried talking to him, counselling, everything, I don't think there's anything anyone could suggest that I haven't tried. My reason for sharing my story is this, I think I know why my husband is this way... he is Catholic, very traditional parents etc. I think when we got engaged he stopped seeing me as a 'woman to be lusted after' and began to see me as his soon to be 'wife' and 'mother of his children'. I think in his mind it is not 'right' to treat a wife as an object of sexual desire, a wife must be treated with reverence. This explains why the change was so abrupt and why when I tried to seduce him he acted like I was being inappropriate. He is adamant that he still finds me attractive even tho it never occurs to him to convert that attraction into sexuality. I think I understand it, but that doesn't mean I can live with it. I have made the painful decision that as soon as the kids finish school, I will end my marriage. I am a woman, in all aspects, not just 'wife' 'mother'. I have a need not just for sex but to be lusted after by my partner! If I got breast cancer and had to have my breasts removed how could my husband still make me feel attractive when he can't make me feel it now? What if my pretty face was disfigured in an accident, he could not help me to still feel attractive! What if I gained a lot of weight, he couldn't make me feel like I'm still worthy of being called sexy. I am almost 43 and I get called MILF, my oldest son hates it! But my husband hasn't made me feel attractive since I was 23. I'm going to get older, I can keep myself in shape and present well, maybe even have some work done but I can't be 23 again. For all these reasons I know there is no future for me and my husband. And honestly, in the last couple of years my attraction to him has died, it has come to a stage where I just can't help but think of him as less of a man. If he wanted sex but couldn't perform I would find it more manly than just not wanting sex. Anyway,I was so desperate for him to want me but then the last couple of times he initiated sex I hated it, it was awful and I just wanted it to be over. So maybe at last I'm behaving like a 'wife' should.

1:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I seriously don't believe taking care of oneself is the problem. Lets think most of us do take care, share good moments and make our part. Even though this still happening. We've been together 5 years and this lack of lust of him has increased to the point i think he's got a problem about sex that he hasn't told me. He says desire ends and it's Freud and it's like when you want something and get it you don't want it anymore. Even when he talks about other people, friends without a partner, he says that's because they can't accept that fact. I think maybe he had such relationships and when he got bored he cheated or breake up without trying and now i'm the "for life" relationship so he'll just stop because that's his idea of marriage and that applies to everyone and a few years ago i tried things, i used to told him we could play roles, do crazy things, be sexy etc and he just did it one or twice like forced and making me feel like a pervert or desperate... Sometimes he comes to me and tells me if i need "a relief" and I feel so humilliated, like hes telling me: I don't need it, you do. i'll do you a favor.. then I say i don't need nothing and I masturbate later because i do prefer that... He tells me he loves me, i'm the best thing that ever happened to him and we are ok, it's just... I'm 24. I do love him, he's 43 but that's not an excuse... (we're not 70 years old..) he doesn't say it's his age he literally says Lust is gone, there's nothing we can do. I can't say nothing because he'll just repeat it all over again: it's gone: accept it. and i always think i should answer: 'so you're saying we better masturbate from now on until the day we die, is that?' he'll get furious and say that i want to "live while i'm young" and go to bed with everyone... And it's not that I don't take care of me... I still looking the same way, i'm atractive to other men, he's the one who got fat and i never, never refuse to be with him because i love him and i desired him no matter what... I do desire him, but when i try he says hes tires.. etc and makes me feel, yeah, like a whore.it's not physical, he's well. I want to stay, it's just that i never thought my sex life would end. I feel traped. It's hard to see other people suffer from this... it makes me feel that if we have such different points of view about life I should leave him, let him marry someone else so they have sex 2 months, marry and then both start living like happy monks or brothers ¡but happy!, and I would do my life... When he's drunk he tell me i can have an affair, i know he doesn't mean it, he tryes to prove me and that's not what i want to do. i feel tempted to tell him i'm buying a vibrator just to see his face, maybe he'll say it's ok and it's done: ¡we're best friends living together!. I don't know what to do. thanks for reading. i just needed to get it out of my chest

2:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok i'm the one of the last comment, the 24 -43 couple. I never saw this as a form of abuse but reading all this comments I realize it is... I want to believe he's not trying to hurt my feelings... it's like he sees marriage that way. His mother got divorced when his father cheated on her, maybe he thinks desire had ended and his father wasn't mature enought to accept it and they should've been together no matther what... maybe he thinks is better to be together suffering.. I don't know if he feels bad too. i'm also worried about my husband telling others the way he thinks. you know, saying all mariages stop feeling atraction and people finding out we don't have sex and that he explains so by saing such stupid thing. that would be devastating... humiliating... I can't talk to him because we'll have an arguent and he'll say i prefer to be free than having a serious relationship. i hope you'll understand me... i didn't want to mention this until you knew about my situation, hope you can understand me because i'm desperate and i have no one to talk to. I'm a gay man, i'ts a gay relationship 'm talking about and i needed to say it because i don't want to lie... this is happening to me. We've been together 5 years and officialy married 2 years because we can in my country. I searched for this problem, got here and i've read all your comments and i feel so frustrated and alone right now...

3:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 21 years old and have been friends with my husband since I was sixteen. We got married a few weeks before my 21st birthday, and the sex was great, three to four times a week and I loved it. Our life together was great and he used to hold my hand without me taking his, he'd be so proud just to be around me and wanted everyone to know that I was his.

But it's changed. And I have been crying about it for so long now. It's been months now, and I have to beg and plead for him to even touch me, till finally after going about two months without sex. He point blank told me he wasn't interested.

I just lost it, I cried asked what was wrong with me, and he just kept looking at the computer and wouldn't even look at me. I hate it, I've been through so much from homelessness to leaving state with just a back pack to be with him, and now i feel like i dont matter. I've always felt comfortable around him, now I'm self concious like he's a stranger living in the same place as me.

I'm hurt, I cant even begin to describe how bad I feel, I can't seem to get up in the morning, he catches me crying, and I'll go hours, not just a few minutes, but hours of nothing but crying, I should logically be dehydrated lol

I even scared him one time cause I was crying so much. I do everything he asks/tells me to do. I clean, cook, I'm not even aloud to have a full time job. I dont wear the colors that he doesn't like on me, I haven't cut my hair in so long that Im almost sitting on it because that's what he likes.

It's gotten to the point i just cant think straight. Its not even just about the sex. It's that I feel like my marriage is ending. Every time he comes home, it's like he'd rather hang out with our neighbors than even talk with me. I have to beg him to sleep with me at night, instead of on the living room floor. I can't take this, but I'm so far from home, states away in fact, with no job or money, so even If i wanted (and I dont!) to leave I couldn't. I'd be homeless on the streets, in a state that I've never been in except with him....

What do I do? He wont go to marriagecouncilling. I feel disguested to the point i cant stand to see myself naked, I've never been like this! Yes I'm shy around people but I've never hated myself so much that I wished to never wake up.

Hell im even crying writting this little bit. I feel as if I dont matter and that I dont deserve to be loved. he says he does, but how can you love someone when they're crying in front of you, and ignore them?

what is so wrong with me, that my own husband, who's loved me most of my life, doesn't love me anymore?

I feel so alone. I feel helpless... I wish someone could tell me it will be alright, that it will work out.

It hurts.

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anu: why is that girls are expected to do more, to look thin, to look beautifull, to look sexy n only then they will have a good married life.
if a man becomes a fat duck i have not seen wifes complaining about it.
its just the mentality & the way we take things in the society.
After marriage its the responsibility of both the partners to nourish the relationship & take it further in a right way.

6:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's an alternate guy's perspective:

I am recently married, and was with my wife for 3 years before we were married. I will admit that in the first couple of months, I had a strange reaction of suddenly finding many other women more attractive than before. I married late (I'm in my 30's) and I dated extensively before marrying, and I never felt attracted to other women when we were dating. I think with all of the wedding planning and hype, I hadn't had a chance to let it sink in that this was the person I'd be with from now on. Once the madness of wedding planning was over and the dust settled, I got extremely nervous that I'd messed up, and made a mistake.
At the same time, my wife had been wedding planning and working on making sure she fit her dress and working out and so on. So once the weeding was over, for the first few months she sort of took a break, stopped working out, stopped worrying about the house, etc. She just came home from work, watched tv, and went to bed.
We both realized at one point that it had been a month and we hadn't had sex, and we were barely married!
I think both of our situations are common and a natural part of getting married, but we had to sit down and talk about some of these things. Yes, feelings were hurt, egos were bruised on both sides, but when we talked it over and tried not to blame and figured out how to try and fix it, it helped. She started trying to get back in shape, and I made myself come up with a different reason each day on why I picked her over other women. Most days I even told her the reasons (which of course helped!)
I didn't marry my wife for sex. Sex is a part of it, but it's not the main reason. We try not to count and worry about quantity. We aim for quality. That alone has made us more sexually active, because we don't feel like we're chasing a quota.
So ladies, my advice is to try to communicate, not blame. Get in better shape, but don't say it's for him. Never mind if it's unfair that you have to do something and he doesn't. If you both aren't doing selfless things, you probably shouldn't be married.
One final comment: Stop listening to your friends. Some of them can be poisonous to your relationship, even with the best intentions. Make your own decisions.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bwaahhh ha ha.
I love how this lady is now out of shape after three months! And I got a huge laugh over the lady who said "Ladies we need to take better care of our appearance".....aha ha ha...you guys are comedians and you make the point beautifully....PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED IN THIS SOCIETY!

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm just happy that I am not alone in this. What is wrong with our men? To be fair though our relationship probably was absed on desperation. I was exiting a bad marriage he was exiting a bad relationship. It moved way too fast and then I was pregnant and we got married because of that.
(I was on birth control at the time btw.)
But it's very painful. I've tried all sorts of things. He seems perfectly okay with sex every 2-3 months and I always have to initate. It makes me feel pathetic. I've tried doing "things" but he makes me feel slutty for even trying them. I've lost weight (14 pounds)but that's not working either.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I van't leave- we have two kids and this is my second marriage. But I don't want to live like this anymore.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Midnightdream25 said...

I am 36 years old, I am not skinny, and have been married for ten years. It is me who had lost interest in sex with my husband, and I found this blog by accident. After reading post after similar post I was appalled and literally flabbergasted at some of the things I have heard.

I literally went from 155 pounds to 360 pounds during our marriage. Depression (abandonment issues from childhood) has plagued me my whole life, yet this dramatic weight gain did nothing to curb my husband's physical attraction to me (even if it is more of a challenge and he gets all about of breath). He has always been kind and loving and wants nothing more than for me to be happy.

My issue was that I married my best friend and realized to late that I wasn't "in love" with him like he was with me. This only fueled my depression and made me feel so guilty. I have recently been approved for weight loss surgery... I take medication for my depression and things are starting to turn around for me.

If I could keep my husband loving me (sexually and in other aspects)no matter how much weight I gained then there is something more complex going on here. I go back to the best friend part and I wonder if thats it. He and I have a lot in common which seems to pull us towards each other. He is a home body (like me), we are both into computer gaming, and we both like to watch the same kind of movies. In other words we spend time together, I nurture his dreams and he mine. I used to be embarrassed that he and I played video games together but now I think that is what helps keep us close.

I began recently to have really bad thoughts about finding a better man after I get the weight loss surgery, but not anymore.I don't know what the hell I was thinking and I am so glad I went through and read all these posts.

Women are truly amazing gifts from God. We are compassionate, nurturing, loving, strong, logical (sometimes), crazy, and worth a zillion times more money than we weigh. We are very powerful. I suggest that if you love your husbands be patient and start spending time getting to know the man you married. Men are terrified of rejection and honestly many have hidden sexual desires that they are afraid to discuss because of the reaction they may get... Also, I think that it could be that your husbands may suffer from something else (Erectile dysfunction, depression etc...). Men also suffer from something called PRIDE which really is hard to penetrate with logic...

Why doesn't he want to have sex with you but still wants to watch porn? There is something going on there... If it were me I could easily (as could all of you) go out and find a man that is interested...and move on. If the marriage can be saved I would try. However, being the type of woman I am and have always been(my needs always seem more important and come first). You only have one life to live so why be so heart broken and miserable? Lonliness is a human condition and that said, we are not meant to be alone. Figure out what is keeping your husband's affection away from you and work on getting it back...if you can't do it please move on. You will only stay miserable if you don't. As for me, I am going to thank the Good Lord I found this blog....

Fixing the outside may help you and your self confidence, but don't expect it to miraculously fix your sex life. Lose weight, find something to do that you like to do (I love karaoke with the girls), STOP TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE BEFORE YOURSELF, and keep your head up. You are beautiful and worth loving, start by loving yourself...

7:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Midnightdream, I really really love your wisdom and what you have to say. I would like to know if you'd like to submit a article on my website.

www.first-love-then-marriage.com

Please let me know.

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Soni said...

Love what midnightdream has to say.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Sad said...

I am 37yr old & we had a love marriage,my husband is greatly influenced by what his family says so much so that he will blindly follow their opinion bcoz he fears that they may break away all ties with him ,I am aggressive by nature but at the same time I am always the one who will be ready to bend & make all adjustments,earlier we had a good sex life & though we had fights ,we always made up but now gradually he has lost interest in me & we do have se so much so that all of a sudden he is giving me the silent treatment,whenever i tried talking to him he says its bcoz of my attitude & also the fact that i dont get along with my inlaws that he doesnt feel like communicating to me & wants to stay aloof,it has been almost 5months now that he is being aloof this is killing me pls advise

5:12 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I've been with mine for 14 years. For the first 8 or so our sex life was great. Then he began watching more and more porn at a point where he wasn't working and was home all of the time.

Porn became a real point of contention between us because he could spend 8 or more hours a day on it and once he got started, he NEVER wanted sex with me.

If we fought enough about it, he would give up porn for awhile and slowly our sex life would improve but he always goes back to it after a break of 3 to 6 months.

He recently started back up again sneaking onto porn sites and
at that point everything started going downhill with our sex life and our relationship.

In the last few years sex is very rare, almost always initiated by me and lately, he often rejects me.

I know for a fact that part of the problem is that I am in my 40s, not obese, but after being pregnant, my body is nowhere near as firm and tight as the 18 year old porn stars he masturbates while fantasizing about.

He now believes he deserves someone who looks like the girls on those erotic sites and doesn't have any physical interest in me at all, although he tells me he loves me.

I absolutely believe that if it weren't for his addiction to porn ( which he became obsessive about in his teens, long before we met, and has struggled with for 20 years or so) we could have had a much better relationship.

The endless lies, secrecy,sneaking around, broken promises, spending household money on porn and masturbation toys, neglect of everything else in his life due to the amount of time he spent on all of it led to a LOT of arguing, hurt feelings and mistrust between us.

What hurts most is that I still love the person he used to be when he was affectionate and caring and wanted to be with me. It's hard to believe that person isn't still in there somewhere, but he says he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore and he never touches me affectionately or lovingly unless I ask him for a hug.

I know he will be leaving me soon to try to find someone who fits his sexual fantasy image better and my heart is shattered.
I can't believe he can just throw away so many years of love and of my being there to support him through a lot of rough times, and all of the wonderful memories we share of so many good years.

He's decided none of that matters compared to being able to have sex with a hot young thing, and it feels as if the man I love died. I'm grieving as much as if I had attended his funeral...maybe more, because I wouldn't feel so hurt and rejected if he had died.

Knowing I might have to see him with his new sexy playmates makes me feel physically sick and I've lost all confidence in myself and any hope for ever having another romantic relationship again.

I could never live through this pain and rejection another time and I have no more faith that any man won't eventually do the same thing once they get bored.

I'm too old and too imperfect to compete and I don't even want to try.It hurts too much to lose at that gamem.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been with mine for 14 years. For the first 8 or so our sex life was great. Then he began watching more and more porn at a point where he wasn't working and was home all of the time.

Porn became a real point of contention between us because he could spend 8 or more hours a day on it and once he got started, he NEVER wanted sex with me.

If we fought enough about it, he would give up porn for awhile and slowly our sex life would improve but he always goes back to it after a break of 3 to 6 months.

He recently started back up again sneaking onto porn sites and
at that point everything started going downhill with our sex life and our relationship.

In the last few years sex is very rare, almost always initiated by me and lately, he often rejects me.

I know for a fact that part of the problem is that I am in my 40s, not obese, but after being pregnant, my body is nowhere near as firm and tight as the 18 year old porn stars he masturbates while fantasizing about.

He now believes he deserves someone who looks like the girls on those erotic sites and doesn't have any physical interest in me at all, although he tells me he loves me.

I absolutely believe that if it weren't for his addiction to porn ( which he became obsessive about in his teens, long before we met, and has struggled with for 20 years or so) we could have had a much better relationship.

The endless lies, secrecy,sneaking around, broken promises, spending household money on porn and masturbation toys, neglect of everything else in his life due to the amount of time he spent on all of it led to a LOT of arguing, hurt feelings and mistrust between us.

What hurts most is that I still love the person he used to be when he was affectionate and caring and wanted to be with me. It's hard to believe that person isn't still in there somewhere, but he says he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore and he never touches me affectionately or lovingly unless I ask him for a hug.

I know he will be leaving me soon to try to find someone who fits his sexual fantasy image better and my heart is shattered.
I can't believe he can just throw away so many years of love and of my being there to support him through a lot of rough times, and all of the wonderful memories we share of so many good years.

He's decided none of that matters compared to being able to have sex with a hot young thing, and it feels as if the man I love died. I'm grieving as much as if I had attended his funeral...maybe more, because I wouldn't feel so hurt and rejected if he had died.

Knowing I might have to see him with his new sexy playmates makes me feel physically sick and I've lost all confidence in myself and any hope for ever having another romantic relationship again.

I could never live through this pain and rejection another time and I have no more faith that any man won't eventually do the same thing once they get bored.

I'm too old and too imperfect to compete and I don't even want to try.It hurts too much to lose at that gamem.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I must say that I am truly saddened to learn that there are other women going through this ordeal. I do take some comfort to know that there is someone else that understands my pain. My boyfriend and I have been together since Feb 2008. I moved in with him, at his insistence, August 2010. Around November of that year the sex basically stopped. I noticed that if I didn't initiate, it wouldn't happen. His first excuse was that he's never dated a girl my size seriously. No I'm not overweight, I'm 5"5' 110 lbs. He basically said he likes women with more meat on their bones. This was very confusing to me since I've been this size since high school and will always be petite and he chased me! Then it was I didn't dress sexy enough. When I tried to leave him the first time he did an about face and everything was good for a month or so. I've tried everything. I'm always in sexy lingerie, role play, etc. Nothing seems to stick. I overheard him tell one of his friends "something is missing but I don't want to end it because I know I can't do better. She's a great girl and I love her but I'm not sure if I'm in love with her and I don't know why I'm not sexually attracted to her." For the past 6 months I've been thinking it must be me...Now I'm starting to realize that it's HIS issue and I can't help him with that. I love him but I deserve and man that loves me and wants to express that love through physical connections. I've decided to move out and end it but he keeps begging me to stay, which is all so confusing. He keeps saying he'd rather spend the rest of his life with someone he's not sexually attracted to but connects with on every other level. Is this enough? Should I wait to see if he comes around and if this is just a phase? Is counseling worth it?

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married 40 plus years and we hadn't had sex or any intimacy for about 28 years. He has no desire for me or any one else. He much rather be alone in his world. I on the other hand keep myself busy with a part time job, my grand daughter, golf, and what ever else I can get involved in.

7:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married for almost 2 years now. I married a man 10 years older than me. While dating him I was not really all that attractive to him. I gave in and got serious with him because he chased me for a while. I thought that I could make myself love him because of the way he seemed to care for me. After marrying things got really rough. I can't lie and say that I did not see signs of unhappiness coming my way before marriage. At first I thought we just had a little bump in the road and would get over it. Boy, was I wrong, he treatens me with divorce, tells me he does not want me, calls me degrading names. One nite, he upset me so, that I lost it and pull a knife and started swinging it to scare him. Well, I ended up cutting him on his arm, he called the cops and I was arrested. He came to my first apperance and allowed the judge to let me out without signature. Thank god he dropped the charges. Now, he watches what he says to me. It's sad that It took that to happen for him to stop calling me names ,but he does still threatens divorce. He does not mentally, physically, or emotionally arouse me. We have sex once a week and it sucks he does not last a good 10 mins. He never takes me there. I check the cookies under internet options and found out that he likes watching porn called pinky. I believe that men do not have the needs that women do. Men can get their needs met from co-workers/friends as far as mental/emotional is concerned. They get there sex/physical needs from porn. Think about it, they watch what they want and how they want it by sitting in a chair masterbating. When done they do not have to hold us or talk which is like heaven to them. They do it so often that it becomes an addiction. These men are distant because they are full of shame and do not no how to come forth. It's scary because porn is a gateway for the man to start looking for fantasy sex through prostitutes. The reason they get it from prostitutes is because they are a shamed to ask their wives to do the dirty things that make them penetrate hard, or they just simply don't see their wives or mother of their children being degraded in the bedroom that way. I encourage us women to start putting it in the hands of god, that is all we can do. I know that is all that I can do in my situation. I notice that when I pray for our marriage we get along alot better. When I slack in my prayer life, my marriage is a disaster. If your husband starts commiting adultery you are allowed a certificate of divorce. Better to be alone than with a cheating husband to bring something home to us that we can not get rid of, then how would we be able to take care of our children? If you decide to remarry, marry a man that has the fear of the lord in him. A man that has the fear of the lord will not watch porn or commit adultery, that man will have a realationship with the lord, and best believe the lord will show that man where he is lacking in the marriage. That real man of god will obey the lord and love his wife as christ loved the church.

1:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the last poster:
You are absolutely right! Put it in Gods hands. If you have a chance to marry....ONLY marry a man of God or stay single! Its hard enough to make it with a man of God...it is impossible without!! And nobody needs to be unequally yoked! Much better to be alone with God!

10:21 AM  
Blogger lilsecret27 said...

WOW!!! And I thought it was just me,surprise its not. Last night my husband of 3 months throws this bs impotant crap on me.....I know for a fact je is lying. He can and does perform very well,but our sex life simce getting married has left tje damn building. He can look at porn and even join f**k sites,but he is impotamt right? WRONG!!! Our sex life was awesome we are only 40 not 80!!! I refuse to.live in a sexless marriage,absolutly refuse. I need counseling of some sort. And no I am not at all unattractive,just not pirn material!!!

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After seeing this comment I am hopeless, I have been married for 8 months but in a relationship for 10 years. my husband comes home late because he is working in a retail store,he says he is tired it was a hectic day, but previously he will say when he is tired he wants to have sex more, this days is not working that way. he even sleeps in our son's bedroom because he is blaming my 3 year old for sleeping with us. but previously we could go to another room and leave my son sleeping in peace.I don't know when last time we've kissed, he is always moody or rather just keep quite and chat on his cellphone with someone else. I tried to call him to come to bed with him, he says he is tired. we have two kids 7 and 3. I just don't know and I don't want to cheat and I miss to be loved and touched and to be told I love you. It's been 2 months now without sex, so frustated.

3:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been married 34 years, and my husband was always sexually interested in me until a few months ago, and it's beginning to worry me. We used to have sex at least once a day and his hands were always all over me. Now, I'm lucky if we have sex once a week. I feel practically ignored. I don't think he's having an affair as there are no other signs, and I'm hoping it's just a temporary thing--maybe a midlife change as he just turned 50.

I came here to find answers but most women who posted are in a much worse situation than I'm in.

I can't believe that some of you think attractiveness lies in keeping house and other domestic chores. This is not 1950. We women no longer have to be June Cleaver. In fact, I think that would turn a lot of men off. Men are attracted to confident, independent women. I've never been a good housekeeper. I'm also overweight--as is my husband.

Any of you who just got married and find your husband disinterested must have a poor relationship that was based on lust. My husband and I have always been close friends above all things and committed to each other. That is why our marriage has been so successful. Thinking about this, I know we'll work out this temporary sexual problem.

I would never stay with a man who has no sexual interest in me.

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So..i feel i relate to this post. I am 24 yrs old, my husband is 29yrs old. we have been married 3 years... the first couple of months he was all over me...but now i know its because i was something new. He is great in other aspects of our relationship, the lack of sexual intimacy is the only complaint (A BIG ONE THO!). H e is very affectionate....to a certain point. He will hug and cuddle and grab on me all day...but not in a sexual way...he will play with my face but never kiss me... just a peck when saying hi or bye. He can cuddle with me at night and be all over me but not make a move past cuddling. He's mentioned it has to do with my weight, that although he loves me and doesnt want another woman...hes not sexually attracted or turned on. AND THAT REALLY HURTS. its been a cycle our whole marriage...ill be comfortable with everything thingking...MAYBE he doesnt think like that anymore so i gladly welcome and accept his gestures but then when it comes time to have sex, i can tell hes not feeling it ...his body language as well as his...body...tell me he isnt interested....i cant remember the last time we kissed during sex actually?...SAD. so then we stop i get this sudden overwhelming feeling of feeling lower than dirt and so ugly that i pull away from him mentally physically and emotionally for the next couple of days or weeks and then i go into denial all over and then the cycle starts all over again....i love him...but im also a sexual person...im HUMAN. and then i start having feeling of [[CHeATING]]....can u blame me??...ugh! any advice??

4:09 PM  
Blogger Ninabh31 said...

Hi there!

I'm going thru almost the same. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and at the beginning there was so much passion and desire coming from him, he couldn't wait to get home, he would make love to me in the kitchen, dining table, living room, the laundry room....yes laundry room, the stairs....anytime anywhere.
Now its like I barely exist. His sex drive declined over a year ago, he claims to be tired all the time; telling me its not my fault but yet he can careless to do anything about it. We went from 6 times per week to maybe twice a month. I'm feeling so worthless because the man I love with all my heart and soul could care less to share the physical and intimate bond must healthy couples would like to have and need to grow closer together.
Others consider me beautiful, attractive and sexy however I FEEL UGLY, UNWANTED, NEGLECTED, PUSHED....i feel so bad I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. I get compliments from everybody on a daily basis but I'm lucky to get one from him maybe....maybe once per month.

I have talked to him but there is no such thing with him, he gets very defensive and quickly turn things around and tries to make me feel guilty like I'm the one who has a problem for not understanding. I expressed how I feel and how he makes me feel and its like talking to a rock no emotions no compassion no understanding nothing from him.
All he cares to do its watch tv, make sure he gets enough rest to perform well at his job and that is about it.
I have tried on my end to "entice" him to look at me more often but he won't....i had lost drastic weight (it wasn't needed), changed my look, lingerie....nothing seems to work, coworkers had asked me stop loosing weight they are afraid I will get sick...i don't know what else to do.
I don't think he is cheating...maybe he is I don't know anything anymore, I did catch him looking at naked women pics that HIS MANAGER was sending; he claimed he wasn't looking for it "it was sent to him" had a conversation about it sharing that it was making matters worse for me because it seemed he was really into it and not me a real and alive woman.
I feel awful because I have never in my life loved anyone....he is what I called my true and only love the only one I have given myself unconditionally and sad part is that he is blind to it. To me is not about sex its about making love and getting closer...
Medically there is nothing wrong with him, he had a psychical a month ago and everything was normal...he is 33 and I'm 37.
I am with him but it feels I'm all alone....

I'm lost....confused.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the same boat and I am jumping ship. My sexless husband is about to get really screwed. and regradless if he wants it or not. I filed for divorce and I am going on a date with a younger man. If there is anything wrong with me I am sure I will find out.
I refuse to be abused for no reason. What ever problems the soon to be ex had with me he should have said something, even if it was another woman or porn addiction. Making me suffer is abuse. And I won't take it anymore.

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am speechless that this is a common problem!! I have been beating myself up for the past couple of months!

My husband is currently deployed and came home on leave and told me he did not find me attractive at all. After 8 months of no sex I thought we would have the most unbelievable two weeks ever!! Not so much.


I am a pretty attractive women who is very much in shape and I get hit on all the time!! But we have been together 5 years and I have caught him multiple times having phone and internet sex with different woman. Now part of the reason I am devasted is because I thought I could change him. Make him attracted to me. But he has never found me attractive.

I hate to say it ladies but I am starting to think if our men are addicted to the internet they do not want the physical stimulation. My husband gets back in December and I am pretty sure we are done. I have done nothing but support him and all his fantasies and it has never been enough.

I did not want a failed marriage but honestly do we want to be stuck with someone who does not want us! I am in my mid 30s and I do not want to waste my prime years on someone who does not respect me enough not to go looking for it elsewhere!

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married 3 years, my husband has an 18 year old daughter who as sick as it sounds dictates our sex life. We had sex atleast on a weekly basis, until my stepdaughter came home with a std at 16. Then we started having monthly sex. Then when she got knocked up at 17 we started having sex every other month. Once she had the baby we have only had sex 3 times in the past year. Its frustrating I'm ready 2 give up

7:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow this has been an interesting blog. I have researched these things as well and have not found answers. I often wonder what it is that truely trips the man that is involved in these things.I often have to go with marriage is leading cause of divorceI often wonder if we depend on the male figure as was expected in the dark ages such as: to keep us safe from every harm that is out thier???For i HAVE SIMULARITIES TO ALL OF YOU AND IT DOES NOT SEEM TO DOSCRIMINATE4 AGAINST ANY ONE.

11:16 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

Ladies, we are in the same boat. My husband adores me and finds me beautiful (I am) but he only likes sex with me two times a month. I think he might do secret internet porn but I'm not sure for the variety of women. It might be boring with the same girl. I have to admit that I now have a lover and he is passionate with me as my husband use to be. I feel really guilty so don't tell me I'm horrible please but I needed some love. I wish I had a better answer. I would divorce but think the same thing will happen again,
Good luck

12:29 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

Same problem! Husband adores me and finds me beautiful (I am) but only likes sex two times a month.
I know he masterbates and I think he might use internet porn for the variety of women. It makes me sad, jealous and lonely. So I have a lover now and he's a sweetheart and can't get enough of me, how weird is that! I do feel bad about it if you are wondering. I would divorce husband but I fear all relationships turn out like this. So this is my life.

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i would never have believed that a site such as this existed. i went from being in a 17 year relationship where i was treated like a blow up doll and enough was never enough. i had 5 children, was tired but still made myself as available as possible. This man never bothered to marry me, his mum cancelled our wedding twice-should have woken up then. Eventually he cheated on me and was always on the lookout for his dream girl according to him i was just who he was with until he met her. He eventually destroyed our family, and 18 months on still tries to control my life. He doesnt want me but doesnt want anyone else to have me either. i met and have been seeing the lovliest, sweetest guy, who treats me well but seems to have no interest at all in sex. First 6 weeks was wonderful then even begging gets me nowhere. I just cant figure out what the problem is. I look probably the best i have in my life. I love him so much and did not think that i would care about sex given past experiences, but find i feel unloved and unattractive.I am confused as i do not understand how you cannot have a great relationship and a great sex life. How do you make someone enjoy having sex with you when it is so obvious that they dont. Now i just feel awkward and embarrassed. he has not even been naked in front of me after one year. He still slips his undies on under his towel. I am not married but hope someone out there gets me.

7:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I will be together for 10 years this month and married for 4.5 years. My husband was never the one who usually initiated sed in our relationship when we were dating, but would never push me away. When live together for a fee years before we got married and shortly after we moved in together is when everything became complacent. Was he just too comfortable?

He and I met while I was working at a bar during college and was always very affectionate when we were out in public, almost to show off to the other guys in his circle of friends to prove that "she chose me". And I loved it. To him I was the most beautiful woman in the world and no one else existed.

Then once we moved in, all of that slowly began to change. He would always tell me I was beautiful and that he loved me, but just began to see uninterested in me, sexually. Regadrless, I loved him whole heartely and we got married.

Just like another story, we didn't have sex on our wedding night. However, by the time we got back to the hotel at 3:00am and had to be back up at 6:00am to catch the plane...I was fine with it. But when we were on the honeymoon, we had sex once...which was the first time in I couldn't tell you how long.

It was over a year later when we had sex again. Since we've been married....we have had sex twice!! I have tried talking to him about this and every time, the slightest idea of the conversation sets him off and he gets angry. I ask what I did or what's wrong with me and he gets mad and says nothing.

This is something that eats away at me. I am not the same person that I was yars ago. I cry myself to sleep and he doesn't even know it. Or when he does, he gets mad because he knows why I am crying. I truly don;t think that my husband is cheating on me...but I'll be honest and say that the thought has crossed my mind. I had relationships before we met and this was never a problem in any of them. I completely understand that there are times when you're tired, stressed, don't feel well or just simply not in the mood. That's natural. But having sex only 2 times durin ga 4.5 year marriage....that's not natural. We are only in our early 30's. What's going to happen when we are in our 40s or 50s...

My problem is...I love this man more than life itself. He is my best friend, my soul mate. I could never imagine my life without him in it. But I need to feel love, wanted, attractive.

I am at a loss. I would love to go to counseling, but he would never go. I've asked if we could make an appointment with our doctor thinking that there could be a medical issue, but he gets embarassed and that pretty much ends the conversation.

Any suggestions.......

4:42 PM  
Blogger DocDreyfus said...

So many sad stories of women who are unable to stand up for themselves in their primary relationship. They are willing to accept so little from their mates. Their excuse is that that "I love him", "he is my best friend", "he is my soul mate." If this person were truly a best friend and/or a soul mate, he would place your happiness in front of his own. If he loved you half as much as you say you love him, he would sacrifice his comfort to please you. You seem to be making all of sacrifices. You seem to be sacrificing your self-esteem, your pleasure, and your confidence, to remain in a relationship that is is very one-sided. And the longer you remain in the relationship, the lower your self-esteem will go making it even more difficult to stand up for yourself. Until and unless you are willing to make your own decisions, you will never respect the person in the mirror. The person in the mirror is the only person you will take with you when you die. So how about putting her first? Tell your mates (not ask) that you will be seeking personal therapy to help you make the decision to leave the relationship. Invite him to participate with you to improve the relationship. Whether he joins you or not is up to him.

5:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Doc! As someone who went through this years ago...I have to say you are right! If you stay with this man, it will eat at you and you will build up resentments and hate. It happened to me and I got out. I would rather lay by myself at night than lay next to some selfish dude who built a relationship based on lies. Trust me ladies...you will NEVER be able to figure it out..it makes no sense at all. I mean why do they act like they are normal sexually until the wedding day is beyond me but it is cruel, heartless, and evil and nobody deserves it.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe these stories! I have been having this same problem. I am 28 years old and my bf is 30. We are both divorced. Everything was perfect when we were first together. We both felt that we were soulmates. I always wondered why his wife would have left him, now I know why. He begged me to have a baby, I was very hesitant because I already had 2 children with my ex, but everything seemed so perfect I gave in. I got pregnant right away & he proposed & begged me to get married b4 the baby was born. I was kind of scared of marriage after a nasty divorce so I told him I would rather wait until after baby came. Before I even was pregnant I told him I would get fat. I gained 60 lbs with both of my pregnancies prior, but always lost the wait after. I looked amazing like I didn't even have kids, so I guess he didn't believe me. As soon as I started gaining weight, sex completely stopped. I literally had to beg for it, but of course I just thought he was one of those guys that was afraid of hurting the baby or something. The baby is 5 mos old now, I have lost every lb I gained & still I have to beg. I'm lucky to get sex 3-4 a month. I could tone up, I could get fake boobs, he has suggested this. Along with wearing lingerie & dressing up like a cheerleader lol. He looks at adult websites & porn, which honestly I wouldn't care if we were having sex! I just honestly don't think these things would help though. I think it's some issue he has. My ex husband constantly wanted me skinny, chunky, pregnant, whatever. He would view porn sometimes too, but it never interfered with his desire for me, so it didn't bother me. He was just controlling psycho. My boyfriend is amazing in every other single way so it pisses me off like I will never win! I'm a very pretty girl, get hit on all the time. Other guys I've dated including my bf b4 pregnancy have always bragged about how good I am in the sac, so I'm completely confused. I've never been insecure, jealous or anything like that b4, but I am now. I looked through his phone & saw that he was looking at girls pics on fb & porn stuff. I got mad & confronted him & he freaked out on me. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with us at all. He said who cares if im not that turned on right now. Like really?? But you're looking at other girls. The only thing I can think to do is work out & tan & stuff to feel better about myself & just stop asking for sex from him. Act like I don't care & see if he initiates anything. I'm sick of feeling like he's only doing it to shut me up, cuz when we do it's just off. I think he gets himself all turned on by something else cuz he'll be like let's go into the bedroom after he's been in the bathroom or in the shower & is already hard or he'll ask for a blowjob. If nothing changes, I'm going to cheat. I just don't have the energy to go through a break up. Also he doesn't even want to get married anymore. I gave him back the ring & he insisted I wear it, but he's just not ready right now. That's fine cuz I don't want to get married anymore either. After reading these posts, I don't think it's cuz we have a baby, I think he's just like this. His ex wife left him when their daughter was one. I wonder why Haha. And let me tell you I'm 10 times more attractive than he is. It's just such a joke. Good luck landing a girl that looks like those pics he's looking at. Puhlease

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband hasn't touched me in about 30 years. Been married 40+ years. And I would bet we had sex maybe a dozen times in our first 10years. Then he said he was not interested and tired of intimacy and sex with me. He didn't want to talk about it, and if I needed intimacy find something or some one else. He moved all his stuff downstairs and set up house keeping. I've never been so hurt, unappreciated, he turned into another person. Now we only talk on occasion, maybe in passing. He has completely turned himself off to the outside world and me. He has no phone, computer or TV down stairs. He goes no where just hangs out in his quiet little world. I've taught myself that its to late for my world to change. I'm in my 60s now and still long for some one to hold me so I can just cry.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Art said...

I'm the husband in this one. It is a second marriage for both of us (third for me, as my first wife passed away at a young age, and I remarried quickly).

I respect my wife, I admire her, and I find her cute. We've been married seven years. Our sex life was never great, and I spent a lot of time initiating, only to be rejected, or told my whiskers hurt, or...

The wife from whom I am divorced, we had eight years of pretty mind-blowing sex, and I've never had a partner complain about whiskers, etc (I am a hygiene freak).

My wife had to give herself to her job, completely, for about three or four years. During that time I handles probably 80% of the home-front, including our (now 19 y/o) stepson and his grades, etc. Over that time I came to be tired of being rejected, third, fourth or fifth on the priority list (I understood work had to be first) and also came to avoid initiating sex: It hurt too much, too often, and was a source of frustration.

So I felt, "Better a decent relationship without the sex than a tense one with it."

Now she is making changes. She even said to me the other day, "I tried moving when we made love. Did you notice? Did it help?" I'm so beyond any interest in her at this point that I don't know what to do. I don't get "woodies" for no reason (I'm 48) but in response to attraction/desire/intimacy. I don't know if I love my wife anymore; I mumble those words. But I want her to be happy.

However...the attraction, the draw is just gone. I'd rather never have sex with her, am not attracted to her and while it's fine to cuddle, spoon, watch TV and rub her legs...being sexually intimate WITH HER is not at all desirable.

And no, I don't use porn and rarely masturbate.

Then if I do want her, because I am getting...mmm...hard up...I feel guilty, as if I would be using her. So I avoid more at that point.

When I was initiating, we were at sex every four to six weeks, maybe less, every once in a while more (twice on a Saturday if her period was around the corner).

I am sorry for what you are suffering. Your husbands do sound like jerks, but sometimes the desire has withered as a husband has sought sexual intimacy and fun, and relational intimacy, but been rebuffed long enough that he doesn't care/had to put it aside.

I do want a divorce, but a Christian man is not supposed to get a divorce...

We have no children together, and only one at home who is 19 (her son). He is failing junior college/does not have a job, so I am feeling, let them have each other. I don't like that, but I don't know how to find each other again/want her, especially as she is luke-warm to against marriage counseling.

Just saying...it can be for other reasons.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. He started cheating on me about 2 years after we married. I believe he cheated on me at least 4 other times. I caught him 3 times (love letters, phone calls). I have stuck it out because I believe in for better or worse. But now, I can't remember the last time we had sex. I even emailed him about it because he won't talk about it. No response and no sex. I have gained some weight, I"m 5ft 4 in 150 lbs, not that huge!! I don't know what to do, I am so depressed. I feel like I am in this marriage alone!

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been commenting and opsting here since the beginning since this happened to me years ago. After reading several recent posts I must comment.
Ladies: God is the only one who will always love you unconditionally. You must also love yourself. Why let yourselves be abused like this and then say it's your fault because you don't cook enough, or gain weight, etc. It's 100% HIM!
Most of these guys are hooked on porn (it is the worst drug there is). IF the guy doesn't want to talk about something that is hurting and harming you so...what kind of a man is he??! NOT MUCH. Make your choice-are you going to suffer with this your entire life? IF he doesn't want to seek help in the way of serious counseling-addiction treatment-then decide. You either agree to live this way your whole life or get out now! Thats what I did. Because most of these guys wont change.Life is full of choices we must make.
To the one who said she thinks being Catholic was the problem: Hogwash! No man of God would torture his wife this way-Jesus said to "honor your wife". Do you think this is honoring you? Nahhh..not so much.The worst part about this is the "bait and switch". They are loving, sexual people until you've been married a few years. I believe that not only is it abuse-but it is the worst kind of abuse there is.
To the gay man: I sincerely hope you find peace and love as God is the answer for all. Jesus IS the way-the truth-and the life and no man comes to the father except thru Him! Either he was God OR He was a liar OR a mad man. You choose (another choice you must make).

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This site is unbelievable! I was married for 20 years to a man who did not want sex for years. I tried everything to entice him, but nothing worked and believe me I was very inventive. One day I looked in the mirror and saw a 47 year old woman who was still attractive and realized I did not want to spend the rest of my life without any sex or even affection. So I told him to leave and within months I noticed the man next door to my mother was attracted to me and I to him. I asked him out and we embarked on a mad passionate affair. We fell in love and have been married now for 5 years. Our sex life has not waned if anything it is even better as it had deepened with our love. Marriage without sex is empty. If the sex is good, everything falls into place. Go out there make yourself as attractive as possible, be brave and go after what you want. Be charming and warm and men will want to be close to you. Treat every man as a friend so they will feel relaxed and flirt up a storm.
The last few years have been the happiest of my life!. Make a list of what qualities you want your man to have. One important quality I wanted was a very sexual man because when I met my second husband I had not had sex for 4 years. Good luck. Just go for it!

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

first 6 months were amazing.we had sex everyday sometimes 2 or 3 times a day.everywhere n anywhere..n the passion was insane..after 6 months we decided to marry n month before wedding date he leaves me for his ex with his 3 children.2 days later he begs my forgiveness n i go back.come to find out by her for about 5 months after i went back to him they were texting and they had slept together..i was crushed..i was mortified..i wanted to hurt someone the way i was hurting.and that night as he admitted it n told me why he begged me to stay..n that night for the first time..he cried.i stayed n it got worse.i was 5 months preg with his son n i went to my sisters so he could think about what he wanted.he left..he went to florida.for 6 months we barely talked.his son was born oct 6 of 2010 n me my mother n my sister were the only ones there..my son had some difficulties when he was born so for 2 wks right after his birth i stayed in childrens mercy with him..alone.he bacame a truck driver when he was in florida n he was on training so he couldnt be there even if he did want to.when braiden was about a month old his father showed up one day.the 6 months we were apart killed me n all i wanted was him despite of everything.so when i seen him standing on my porch..i cried.he csme inside n held his son for the first time.i cried.the moment i had been waiting for was here n now..i didnt know what to do with it all..we talked..alot.for hrs we talked.he quit truck driving n came home.he was finally home.i felt complete n the past was in the past.i had my best friend back..my soul mate.i had 2 other children prior to our relationship n we all were a family again..a few months later his old boss contacts him again n even though i was against it he went truck driving again.3 days a month was what we spent together..n it wasnt enough.i was alone once again..it hurt n i couldnt get past how i was alone when i shouldnt be and how i was raising the kids without anyone by my side.i felt he was just trying to get away..n one day i met someone..he was nice to me..he was sweet..he loved my kids..he loved me..it wasnt on purpose it was my best friends brother n i was hanging with her n he showed up..he made me feel like i wasnt alone.he was my friend first but then he was my lover..i felt so guilty n confessed n it killed him.he broke down n i of all ppl knew what he felt.i knew that pain n as i watched him cry i remembered the past like i was going through it too.how could i have made him feel the way he had made me feel many times before?how could i have done that to someone i truly loved with every being in my body??!! we moved across town n he quit his job again vowing to never go back.our relationship is different..after that we went back as us..our sex life was great however everyday he never stopped reminding me of what i did..who could blame him..months went by n things were finally ok again..we got married..now its diff.i go to school at nights n if i wear something nice he gets mad thinking something else so i dont dress up unless its for him n he doesnt even notice..ever..he tells me im fat even though im not n then says hes just kidding.he calls me a whore but says hes just playing around..we have sex but its not like it used to be.its roll over done in 3 min n alseep.i try to be passionate n loving n gooey n he just turns away or acts like he didnt hear me..we have got custody of all 6 children now n while he works i raise them n when hes home..i raise them.i pay all the bills n do everything else as well..but he doesnt seem to appreciate it or notice unless i do something wrong or take a day off n dont do dishes or something,then he notices..nov 19 2011 was the happiest day of our lives..the smile on his face never went away..how in that amount of time could it have changed this much??n what is that supposed to be telling me?i want something more for myself n my kids..but i want something more with him n noone else..

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok where does one start? i have so many mixed emotions after reading the majority of these comments. First of all I wish to comment to crude men. If you do not like what you are reading then why the heck are on this site? I do believe grown men retain a sense of the little boy complex.The majority of them are selfish and believe the world revolves around them. Yet on the other side can it really be helped? Society as a whole throughout history has dubbed the man more superior. Now that is fnny, I would love to see a man birth a baby.
Marriage is a unity of two people that is to be equal. Not on one partner being "better" than the other. That is ridiculous. Also these comments where added weight gain was the problem...HA! Have you men looked in a mirror lately? If you married us overweight then that is not a valid excuse...I am sorry.
I have been married for 12 years as of Dec 2011, with my husband 13 years this coming March. I do admit to being the initiater of sex for the most part in the begining. Then it was because we were trying to get pregnant. But after that it went downhill. I am lucky to get sex once a week. And then it is when my husband wants it. I want to turn him down just to teach him a lessen but hey I do not want to loose my chance. He is a good lover, he also makes sure I am satisfied before he is (or at least strives to). He says it is not me, but I do blame myself. I know I hate to look at myself in a mirror. He sneaks porn and a few years ago I caught him getting very sexual with a woman on a social site. I cannot say 100% that I believe he has cheated physically but I can say I believe so mentally or verbally.
I know I will never divorce him and pray he nevers wishes to do so either. But I do appreciate being able to vent.
You men as well as the doctor (if i am understanding it correctly)say how it is almost something that cannot be helped. Like we women should baby and coddle your needs, well how about realizing what we do do for yo and realize we are not superwomen but women with needs and desires too.

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My God, I am flabbergasted at the number of women who have similar stories to mine. In some ways it's comforting and strengthening, but it also makes me terribly sad (it took me three days to read the entire thread because I would start crying at how alike situations were).
I had only had sex with two other men before meeting my now-husband. He treated me well, told me he loved me, I would have done anything for him.
After we got engaged, we took a trip to Hawaii -- I had packed some lingerie as we were going to such a romantic locals. After the second day of nothing, I asked what was up. He said he was trying to be nice but because of my weight he wasn't attracted to me. What a blow. A blow that turned into me hating myself and him, turning me into a mean shrewish person. We have been married five years and have two children (I wanted kids so urged him to have sex with me when ovulating).
It took him to say that I "didn't do it for him" a few nights ago to realize what mess I'd put myself into.
I've looked on his computer and he's into hardcore porn and S&M. Finally, I'm realizing IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HIM!!
What a breakthrough. I've been depressed and angry and have gained over 30 pounds through self-neglect.
I was able to tell him this yesterday, rationally, what I allowed him to do to myself.
He says he loves me but I don't want to settle for a passion-less, sex-less marriage. We all deserve better.

Thank you to all the posters on this thread for sharing your stories.

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These men are SICK! They get hooked on porn and fantasy and then they can never ever be satisfied with a "real" sexual relationship again--yet the fantasy doesnt satisfy them either! All "real" women are fat...haha.
It(fantasy-porn) is like a drug that NEVER satisfies after the initial high. But they keep searching.
I wrote on here a long time ago. I have been divorced from mine now for a long time and my heart goes out to you ladies. Jus to let you know; my ex has had dozens (if not hundreds) of "girlfriends" since we broke up and they NEVER satisfy him. Meanwhile my life goes on and I am perfectly satisfied with my God and my family. I do not "need" a man to be fulfilled>quite the contrary. Search yourselves and don't except anything other than true LOVE. God Bless

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My b/f has low to no sex drive, four years of feeling frustrated, rejected, unnatractive and angry I am finally reaching breaking point. He has had it all, depression, problems at work, back ache, toothache...any ache and I've been empathitic, sympathetic, understanding, patient and STUPID!! Now I am bored of hearing it. Yes we cuddle, we kiss...like you would kiss your gran and then nothing. I was never a great initiator, I was honest from the start. I feel like I've been short changed, got something that is not in full working order.

Well, he's been the docs for bloods and I am hoping that there is something wrong, maybe then we can work on it....failing that I'm gonna buy a vib and be single because I am fed up of hearing him tell me he loves me and then denies me intimacy, sexual closeness and pleasure.

Maybe he is gay, into porn, has a secret online 'friend' or avatar, maybe he is not attracted to me... he should be honest and move on and be honest with his new partner.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I know almost everybody says this but am I glad to see I am not the only woman in this situation. Me and my husband have been married for 2 years now and I just feel that he is not sexually attracted to me. I have had a tough childhood making me very insecure.. making the situation I am in, not much easier. I want this to work, but somehow it feels like I am the only one caring that we are NOT having sex.

I am really confused and hurt.. also the times there are sex its just that.. SEX... no making love! Why is it like this? Somehow I doubt there is an answer for us all but it feels good to know that I am not alone.

I will be thinking of all the ladies who are in the same boat as me. Blessings

11:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hopefully you ladies can help me. Unfortunately i am one of the guys who is no longer attracted to my wife. When we got married 7.5 years ago my wife was 135 pounds. Now after 1 child (whos now two) she probably weighs 185 at least. Shes pregnant again and will probably weigh more than me by the end, and i'm a 6 foot 1 guy to her 5'4". I just cant take it...just seeing her eat disgusts me. Shes talked about losing weight after this kid (talked) but I knoe it just wont happen. Her mom is severely obese to the tune of 300 lbs...and also was once much skinnier.

Shes my best friend and ive tried to get by it but the only way i can be intimate with her is to be intoxicated. If i havent had a few beers i cant even come close to finishing, and am just disgusted by the whole thing. I realized i had to stop kidding myself this past week when i was gone for business and had numerous attractive females hitting on me. I didnt cheat, but i felt more alive than i have for years by simply having these ladies fljrt with me...

Ive always looked forward to being a family man and having the wife and kids in a picket fenced house...but cant imagine sacrificing my sex life for it. Im only 29.

Unfortunately, i also cant imagine not waking up in the same house as my kids everyday.

What horrible situations we're all in.

(Ps...i apologize for typos. Im typing on my phone)

11:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the guy who recently wrote: My heart goes out to you but unfortunately you are on the wrong blog. None of us have anything in common with your situation--as almost every single woman on here said: We look good, get hit on, we haven't gained weight or let ourselves go, in many cases we're in better shape than we have ever been, and in many cases this situation happened right after the wedding! For some it started on the honeymoon night! So it is a completely different situation. I would recommend you and your wife go to counseling and/or maybe she can get help with her weight problem and for goodness sake stop having kids till you figure it all out!Good luck and God bless.

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are EXACLTY Right! Wrong blog... Most of the women here are HOTT with atypical (hopefully) husbands who just become uninterested in sex with us almost immediately after hooking us.

6:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can so much relate to the above thread/ discussion. I have been married for the last 3 years and am in the same boat. My husband is not interested. When we were dating and then immediately after marriage for the first six months everything was great. Then it started dimming..I attributed it to the fact that we had to face huge financial troubles right after marriage. However things are better financially if not great..but its the same story. Our sex life has come down to once a month and that too if I take initiative. And I hate it..its like begging for love. For me sex plays a huge part in showing your love..i now feel unwanted. Since the last few times I've been turned down and have lost all self esteem. Every time I promise myself that I will not go to him till he comes to me but fail coz I love him deeply and really want the relationship to work out. I've tried talking to him a couple of times but he tells me that there is nothing like that and I am over reacting. Actually he was steady with a girl for 6 years before we got married and have lived in with her. He tells me that hez had enough of it and is now bored. That's the worst response and he expects me to accept it and compromise. It's not fair. I've even tried telling him that we should visit a marriage councellor but he says I am mad and everything is perfect.

Someone please advice what to do. Need help. Please leave your email id here and I would get back to you.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is he watching alot of porn? taking alot of business trips? i have 2 kids with my husband, weve been in a relationship for over 8 years and have been married for almost2years. i practically had to beg him to marry me. at one point he came home with an s.t.d. and claims it was from an ex. he even broke up with me at one point and i begged for him back, i i dont even know why i did that anymore, other than we have 2 beautiful kids togehter. i feel i cant trust him. i recently sent him a picture of my cleavage, to spice things up a lil, bacause he said we should spice things up and all i got from him was that he said" what, i see youre clevage all the time, whats the big deal?" he's constantly talking about how beautiful other women are an d barely ever compliments me. i dont know what to do anymore, i think hes bored with me and wants to be single. when i ask him about bieng single he says he loves me but he sure doesnt act like it, i think hes lost all interest in me as a person, sexually and emotionally& dont know what to do anymore.ive been turned down way more times then any woman should ever be turned down, my self esteem is in the gutter, what can i do/ can somebody please help, im contimplating divorce because i just dont think he loves me anymore

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is he watching alot of porn? taking alot of business trips? i have 2 kids with my husband, weve been in a relationship for over 8 years and have been married for almost2years. i practically had to beg him to marry me. at one point he came home with an s.t.d. and claims it was from an ex. he even broke up with me at one point and i begged for him back, i i dont even know why i did that anymore, other than we have 2 beautiful kids togehter. i feel i cant trust him. i recently sent him a picture of my cleavage, to spice things up a lil, bacause he said we should spice things up and all i got from him was that he said" what, i see youre clevage all the time, whats the big deal?" he's constantly talking about how beautiful other women are an d barely ever compliments me. i dont know what to do anymore, i think hes bored with me and wants to be single. when i ask him about bieng single he says he loves me but he sure doesnt act like it, i think hes lost all interest in me as a person, sexually and emotionally& dont know what to do anymore.ive been turned down way more times then any woman should ever be turned down, my self esteem is in the gutter, what can i do/ can somebody please help, im contimplating divorce because i just dont think he loves me anymore

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The first thing I'd like to say is that I didn't know this blog was for "skinny and hot" women. I didn't see where that was posted by the good doctor anywhere. If you think by giving yourself that label, it entitles you to be treated better than anyone else, you're mistaken. The woman you are inside is who your husbands have to live with, as well.
I have also gone thru this abuse for the nearly 3 years we have been married. He has only wanted sex when HE wanted it, yet complained when I didn't take the initiative...which only got me turned down anyways. Then, all the excuses why he couldn't...tired, didn't feel good, even told me we were too old to have to think about that (he was 39, I was 48). Now, he tells me he's having problems keeping an erection. We've gone thru the meds he takes, and there's no problems with those, he had a T test (he swore his level MUST have been low)...but the level was fine. But, the one time I let him on my computer and let him look at porn, he had no problem with that...or jacking himself off. I've spent years crying myself to sleep, holding my pillow and wishing it were him, and taking care of myself. I'm done with all of that. It's all about the control he has to have on me. If there's something that really means a lot to me, he'll find a way to screw it up, and I think his withholding sex is one big way to keep me under his thumb and miserable. I'm no longer living my life for a man who can't take care of my needs and make me happy. He's gained over 50 pounds since we've been married, was never a good looking guy to begin with, and has the personality of a slug. Let him find someone else who can do it for him. I'm not wasting my time, desire and self esteem on him anymore.

4:40 AM  
Anonymous Elina said...

Hello

My name is elina i reside in canada, I have been successfully married for 12year without issues, but just about few months ago I have been having serious difficulty and misunderstanding in my marriage and it almost leading to a divorce. I could not even tolerate it any more i have to take my kids with me and move out, but i sincerely love my husband to the fullness just dont know why he behaving strange lately.
This continuos for about 8months and just two weeks ago he went for a divorce lette which i and my kids are not ready for because i love im so much.
I explain to a family cousin who then introduce me to a spell caster call priest mountain on his email ID houseofmountains@gmail.com, it was this spell caster that then helped me with a powerful love spell to return my husband to the man i got married to and not the one he is now.
The spell caster did the spell and in just 5 days later, my husband came back to his rightful senses and came to my house were i was then staying with my kids. he came crying and begging me and the kids never to do anything rash ever again.
I was surprise seeing my husband crying for his wrong deeds.
And this was what the spell caster told me that its going to happen and indeed it happened.
I am so happy seeing my husband loving me just as we use to when we just got married.

My sincere thanks to the spell caster ''Priest Mountain''
You can reach him on his email id on houseofmountains@gmail.com

Thanks.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband and I have been married for 9.5 years and dated for 4 years before that. This is my second marriage and his first. I have 2 children from my first marriage. We have always been great friends and can talk about anything. We wanted a child together, and tried for almost 6 years before getting pregnant. When I was 5 months pregnant, I was put on bedrest and told not to have sex.I had the baby by c-section, so we went 6 months without any sex at all. Since then, we might have sex once every 2 weeks, and sometimes we go a whole month without sex at all. Also he used to look at me in a way that I could see he was attracted to me and he doesn't do that anymore. He always used to compliment me and doesn't do that. He never used to insult me, and has even started doing that. Since having the baby, I have gained 8lbs, and was overweight before getting pregnant. Now that the baby is here, I have developed an auto-immune disease and it is causing pain in all my joints, which makes it difficult to exercise. I still do exercise regularly, but weight is easier put on then taken off I don't know if my weight or physical appearance is bothering him, but something has changed. I have asked him about it and told him I don't think he is attracted to me anymore, and he tells me "of course he is" and apologizes for making me feel this way. He says over time he will show me he is attracted to me. Over time?? Shouldn't he be trying now? We have had this conversation several times, and he always feels bad, but never tries to improve anything. He is a wonderful man, incredible Dad and I know he loves me, but just doesn't seem to be attracted to me anymore and it is killing me. I am devastated! I have the body I do because I decided to have a baby with him. I don't know how to improve things. I am crushed...

10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are going thru that! I know how you feel but ultimately it is about what people "do" NOT what they say. For him to say he's sorry blah, blah, blah and not do anything about it is abuse plain and simple. I mean is it that hard to fake like youre attracted to someone you love to make them feel wanted??? Don't beg him any more-its the worse thing you can do.....forget him! Get interested in other things and have a great life.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to see other women have problems with there husbands sex life. I've been without for 45 years and its been the most horrible thing I've ever went through. Husband just refused sex, he thought it was disgusting, to much work for the effort, no excitement or pleasure and it was disgusting and messy. I said I have needs and this is not a marriage. He said that he agreed we weren't married just friends. And you can leave when ever and have all the friends you want intiment or not. Just don't talk to me or tell me. He lives in the basement and or the detached garage. The lonely ness and depression is terrible. Some may think hes gay or into porn, but thats no true. He's a hermit has long messy hair, dresses like a slob no one would want him near them.

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I under stand I'm 24 my husband does it to he jokes about it likes it funny I don't want a devorice but I hate feeling like I'm ugly when I know I'm not ill try to have sex he make it in a joke and then says I'm stressed or tired I roll over and just accept it but I'm so tired of feeling stressed over sex

12:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I HAVE THE ANSWER:

I have worked as a relationship/sex counselor for the past 5 years. This is a problem I see far too often. A big part of the reason is because of internet porn. It is extremely addicting and desensitizing. Your men get their needs met by masturbating to women on the screen and would rather do so because those women are flawless models, AND because they are lazy and it's easier then having sex. Having sex with you takes a lot of energy and isn't as pleasurable as the fantasy world he has created inside of his head. You want to know the answer? Start snooping on his computer. This also further encourages his madonna/whore complex if he has one. This means that he separates love and sex. He may love you, but does not see you as a sexual being, especally if you have birthed his children. It is so sad and unfortunate that most of this comes from their unhealthy view of beauty, which has been stuffed down their throats since birth. Once we as women age and put on weight we become invisible to society, and our men resent us for not being the beautiful young vibrant woman he once married.

9:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married for just three years now. When we first met and for a short while after we married the sex was still great and not just that but I felt we were close. After having my son our closeness and sex started to go away. (and just to note I do take care of myself, it's one thing I always worked at, after my son I lost all the baby weight and then some, i even wear make up to bed) He just didn't seem to want me touching him at all. It's hard for me, I have always been a very sensual and sexual person. To make matters worse he has now taken a job where he's gone all week and only home on weekends, and on the weekends he's too tired from work (usually goes to bed at 10pm or so, and doesn't want me there). So now on top of dealing with no sex, no touching and lack of closeness I have to deal with being lonely. I do love my husband and I know he loves me.He is a great father and provider too. I am just tired of being lonely. The lack of physical closeness is bad but worse is the lack of emotional closeness.I cringe to think that this is what I have to look forward to for decades to come in this marriage. Any thoughts?
Also I can't talk to him about it, so suggesting that won't help. He has the attitude of, this is how I am deal with.

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To recent anonymous: Well, make your choice then. He is obviously controlling you by not even letting you bring the subject up! You say he's a great husband and great father, then get over it I guess. Doesn't sound like such a great husband. Try getting close to God if you're a believer. He never lets us down-but men always do!

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW!!!!!! I'm blown away. I was searching something on the periphery of this and came across this site. Who knew that so many WOMAN encountered this!!!!!!!!!

As a mature adult, whose interest in his wife waned - however briefly - I immediately went to the doctor. I had suffered very slight trauma to my testicles and they had to be "restarted" so to speak with some injections (to produce proper amounts of testosterone).

I am a lucky one as I recognized the problem quickly. The amazing thing was that it was not only sex, everything just seemed - "meh" - I wasn't "depressed" but I could tell something was majorly wrong. I had no zest for life, I felt defeated.

Ladies. Help your guys. Drag their butts to the doctor to have a blood workup. Tell the doctor to specifically check his testosterone. No matter what have him get a big freaking shot of testosterone. Within a couple days of having an injection you will be AMAZED at who he is again. And he will be infinitely more happy in all areas of his life, and (watch out) he is going to want you again - bad. Really bad.

2:32 PM  
Blogger jackie22 said...

Omg that is not
me too my husband hates wanting to touch me we've been together six yrs and i work while he's in school and he will give in but its just feels like he's not all there i am in top shape and stillit seems like he likes internet porn more than me we have two kids and im starting to feel old to him what should i do

1:16 AM  
Blogger jackie22 said...

Omg that is not
me too my husband hates wanting to touch me we've been together six yrs and i work while he's in school and he will give in but its just feels like he's not all there i am in top shape and stillit seems like he likes internet porn more than me we have two kids and im starting to feel old to him what should i do

1:16 AM  

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