Understanding Sexual Addictions: Part II
Attitudes about sex vary from culture to culture and family to family. However, most cultures treat sex differently than it treats other biological functions, especially food. Food is talked about openly. It becomes a central theme in people's lives. There is considerable conversation about different ways of preparing certain foods with books being purchased containing recipes from around the world. There are television programs about cooking and classes taught about cooking. We can engage in conversation about food and cooking whenever and wherever we are. It is a very public topic.
Sex, on the other hand, is anything but public. Despite its centrality in the lives of human beings and its necessity for propagation of the human species, sex and sexual matters are considered highly private and segregated from ordinary conversation. Schools are prohibited from teaching human sexuality. There are no television programs designed to teach people about sex and very few books and no classes teaching about sexual behaviors. We can take cooking classes and even dancing classes, but no classes instructing us on sexual techniques. Yet sex is on the minds of everyone and central to the human experience.
Here we are in the 21st century and our attitudes about sex are not that far removed from the Victorian era. It is still kept under wraps, hidden, and off limits for general conversation. Parents are uncomfortable talking with their children about sexual matters. Children will go anywhere but to their parents to learn about sex. They began their sexual discovery by learning quite early in life to keep their sexual thoughts hidden. Trial and error (and unfortunately mostly error) dominates their learning experience. All the secrecy about sex serves to make it all the more exciting.
Children sneak a look at their nude siblings or parents. They sneak a peek at various magazines. The discover pornography on the Internet. The forbidden fruit is so much more exciting and tastes ever so sweet because of it forbidden nature. When a child steals a dollar from his parents wallet or purse, the caught child will tell you that it wasn't the dollar that was important, but rather it was getting away with it that gave the thrill. The child was not thinking about the morality of his or her action. She or he was simply caught up in the excitement of getting away with something.
Sex, when combined with being clandestine or illicit, becomes far more exciting than when out in the open. There is a rush in pursuing that which is forbidden. Similar to the child who does not think of the consequences of stealing the dollar from his parents or pilfering a cigarette or a bar of candy in a supermarket, pursuing illicit sex give the pursuer a bio-physiological and psychological rush. And when experiencing the rush, there are no thoughts about the consequences. The rush floods the brain with cortisol and the person feels excited with a narrowness of focus until she or he achieves her/his end.
Once the excitation dissipates, life returns to normal. The experience is not forgotten. The next time the individual experiences stress or even boredom, the memory of the illicit experience begins to surface. The individual wants to repeat the previous experience. She/he wants that rush. And the process begins again. And because it is illicit, and the illicitness makes it more exciting, the individual shares the experience with no one. After a while, the behavior becomes habitual. And then it becomes compulsive. And then chronic. Once it reaches the level of chronicity and begins to interfere in an individual's life, where he or she begins looking forward to the next adventure instead of taking care of his or her life, it becomes addictive. The desire become insatiable.
In our society pornography is but a click away. It is available 24/7 from any computer. There is no inconvenience of going to a dark alley or back room of a book or video store. In addition, clandestine encounters can be found quickly and easily online. Hence, with increased accessibility to random sexual activity, more people are becoming addicted to their own internal rush of being able to pursue the forbidden fruit.
What sex addiction is NOT
Many people want to take cover beneath the word "addiction" as a means for avoiding taking responsibility for their behavior and their choices. We use the term "addiction" to account for a myriad unacceptable behaviors, including behaviors that may be sexual in nature. Not all habitual behaviors can be classified as addiction. Not all frequent masturbation or viewing of porn sites or the desire for sexual unions constitute a sexual addiction. In order for any behavior to be classified as an "addiction" it must meet the criteria for any addiction. One of the most important criterion is that the behavior becomes so compulsive that it interferes with some important aspect of one's life, e.g., health, relationship, or work. The person ruminates about sex and feels such intense anxiety when not able to gain a release that he or she will endanger themselves in the pursuit of sexual release. There is no fear of being caught nor concern about the consequences of one's actions. By this standard, merely wanting sex often, masturbating several times each day, or watching pornography does not constitute an addiction.
Sex and Intimacy
Because of the hidden nature of sexuality in our culture, people often consider sex as an activity that should be separated from intimacy. Many people refer to their sexual behavior in pejorative terms, e.g., doing the nasty, etc. A man can think of doing things with "those kind of women" but not with someone he loves. Many men would not think of doing with their wives or girlfriends the things they fantasize about or see when watching pornography or doing with prostitutes or even on one-night stands. In his mind he is being respectful of his beloved. He therefore loves his wife and has sex with those other women whether in reality (prostitutes) or in fantasy (pornography).
Most men who become sexual addicts have difficulty being truly vulnerable in an intimate relationship. They may often be quite sociable, even outgoing, but they rarely reveal their inner feelings to anyone. They even mask them from themselves. They can be far more vulnerable with strangers. Hence, we often find that these men share intimacies about themselves, secrets, and vulnerabilities to the prostitutes that they visit; they perceive this as being safe. The stranger cannot hurt them since there is no emotional investment in the relationship.
So if we put all of these factors together: biological issues, intimacy/relationship issues, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma, and social issues, we can see that sexual addiction is a complex rather than a single cause. Therefore, a multi-faceted approach is necessary for treatment.
Treatment of Sexual Addiction
The good news about the prevalence of sexual addiction is that as it receives more media attention, more people are seeking help. Just as in the past where drug addicts were too ashamed to seek help because of the back-alley connotation of the problem and because they were thought of as simply weak-willed, so it has been the case for sexual addictions. As mentioned previously, drug and alcohol dependence are accepted as addictions today because of increased understanding of how the brain can become addicted to the substance. Now professionals are realizing that in a similar way individuals can become addicted to the rush of seeking sexual encounters whether through pornography or prostitutes or both. And similar to other addictions, the addict may need bigger and bigger jolts in the form of more exciting behaviors or dangerous relationships in order to reach the same high or rush as when simply using pornography and masturbation was enough.
Treatment for sexual addictions is multi-faceted. The problem has bio-physiological, psychological, sociological, and behavioral components; therefore, all four need to be addressed. Typical treatment may include:
Sex, on the other hand, is anything but public. Despite its centrality in the lives of human beings and its necessity for propagation of the human species, sex and sexual matters are considered highly private and segregated from ordinary conversation. Schools are prohibited from teaching human sexuality. There are no television programs designed to teach people about sex and very few books and no classes teaching about sexual behaviors. We can take cooking classes and even dancing classes, but no classes instructing us on sexual techniques. Yet sex is on the minds of everyone and central to the human experience.
Here we are in the 21st century and our attitudes about sex are not that far removed from the Victorian era. It is still kept under wraps, hidden, and off limits for general conversation. Parents are uncomfortable talking with their children about sexual matters. Children will go anywhere but to their parents to learn about sex. They began their sexual discovery by learning quite early in life to keep their sexual thoughts hidden. Trial and error (and unfortunately mostly error) dominates their learning experience. All the secrecy about sex serves to make it all the more exciting.
Children sneak a look at their nude siblings or parents. They sneak a peek at various magazines. The discover pornography on the Internet. The forbidden fruit is so much more exciting and tastes ever so sweet because of it forbidden nature. When a child steals a dollar from his parents wallet or purse, the caught child will tell you that it wasn't the dollar that was important, but rather it was getting away with it that gave the thrill. The child was not thinking about the morality of his or her action. She or he was simply caught up in the excitement of getting away with something.
Sex, when combined with being clandestine or illicit, becomes far more exciting than when out in the open. There is a rush in pursuing that which is forbidden. Similar to the child who does not think of the consequences of stealing the dollar from his parents or pilfering a cigarette or a bar of candy in a supermarket, pursuing illicit sex give the pursuer a bio-physiological and psychological rush. And when experiencing the rush, there are no thoughts about the consequences. The rush floods the brain with cortisol and the person feels excited with a narrowness of focus until she or he achieves her/his end.
Once the excitation dissipates, life returns to normal. The experience is not forgotten. The next time the individual experiences stress or even boredom, the memory of the illicit experience begins to surface. The individual wants to repeat the previous experience. She/he wants that rush. And the process begins again. And because it is illicit, and the illicitness makes it more exciting, the individual shares the experience with no one. After a while, the behavior becomes habitual. And then it becomes compulsive. And then chronic. Once it reaches the level of chronicity and begins to interfere in an individual's life, where he or she begins looking forward to the next adventure instead of taking care of his or her life, it becomes addictive. The desire become insatiable.
In our society pornography is but a click away. It is available 24/7 from any computer. There is no inconvenience of going to a dark alley or back room of a book or video store. In addition, clandestine encounters can be found quickly and easily online. Hence, with increased accessibility to random sexual activity, more people are becoming addicted to their own internal rush of being able to pursue the forbidden fruit.
What sex addiction is NOT
Many people want to take cover beneath the word "addiction" as a means for avoiding taking responsibility for their behavior and their choices. We use the term "addiction" to account for a myriad unacceptable behaviors, including behaviors that may be sexual in nature. Not all habitual behaviors can be classified as addiction. Not all frequent masturbation or viewing of porn sites or the desire for sexual unions constitute a sexual addiction. In order for any behavior to be classified as an "addiction" it must meet the criteria for any addiction. One of the most important criterion is that the behavior becomes so compulsive that it interferes with some important aspect of one's life, e.g., health, relationship, or work. The person ruminates about sex and feels such intense anxiety when not able to gain a release that he or she will endanger themselves in the pursuit of sexual release. There is no fear of being caught nor concern about the consequences of one's actions. By this standard, merely wanting sex often, masturbating several times each day, or watching pornography does not constitute an addiction.
Sex and Intimacy
Because of the hidden nature of sexuality in our culture, people often consider sex as an activity that should be separated from intimacy. Many people refer to their sexual behavior in pejorative terms, e.g., doing the nasty, etc. A man can think of doing things with "those kind of women" but not with someone he loves. Many men would not think of doing with their wives or girlfriends the things they fantasize about or see when watching pornography or doing with prostitutes or even on one-night stands. In his mind he is being respectful of his beloved. He therefore loves his wife and has sex with those other women whether in reality (prostitutes) or in fantasy (pornography).
Most men who become sexual addicts have difficulty being truly vulnerable in an intimate relationship. They may often be quite sociable, even outgoing, but they rarely reveal their inner feelings to anyone. They even mask them from themselves. They can be far more vulnerable with strangers. Hence, we often find that these men share intimacies about themselves, secrets, and vulnerabilities to the prostitutes that they visit; they perceive this as being safe. The stranger cannot hurt them since there is no emotional investment in the relationship.
So if we put all of these factors together: biological issues, intimacy/relationship issues, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, trauma, and social issues, we can see that sexual addiction is a complex rather than a single cause. Therefore, a multi-faceted approach is necessary for treatment.
Treatment of Sexual Addiction
The good news about the prevalence of sexual addiction is that as it receives more media attention, more people are seeking help. Just as in the past where drug addicts were too ashamed to seek help because of the back-alley connotation of the problem and because they were thought of as simply weak-willed, so it has been the case for sexual addictions. As mentioned previously, drug and alcohol dependence are accepted as addictions today because of increased understanding of how the brain can become addicted to the substance. Now professionals are realizing that in a similar way individuals can become addicted to the rush of seeking sexual encounters whether through pornography or prostitutes or both. And similar to other addictions, the addict may need bigger and bigger jolts in the form of more exciting behaviors or dangerous relationships in order to reach the same high or rush as when simply using pornography and masturbation was enough.
Treatment for sexual addictions is multi-faceted. The problem has bio-physiological, psychological, sociological, and behavioral components; therefore, all four need to be addressed. Typical treatment may include:
- Psychotropic medication to help with the anxiety associated with giving up what has been the self-medicating behaviors.
- Psychotherapy to help the individual cope with the anxiety, depression, compulsive behaviors which are often part of an addicts experience. Psychological treatment in the form of individual psychotherapy is necessary in order to help the individual come to terms with the underlying trauma and/or personality disorder, as well as learning more effective ways of coping with stress, issues of trust, intimacy, and connectedness with people. Psychotherapy works with both the underlying individual conflicts and struggles experienced by the addict for which he or she is self-medicating, and it helps the addict learn more effective coping skills as well as self-soothing behaviors. Psychotherapy deals with both the psychological and behavioral aspects of addiction.
- 12-Step Programs such as Sex Addicts Annonymous can be quite helpful insofar as addicts find that there is a safe environment within which to share experiences with others who are going through similar difficulties. They can feel less alone and begin to learn to trust others and seek nurturance and support from others who have experienced similar difficulties.
posted by DocDreyfus | 8:22 AM
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