In Love With Husband's Friend

I love my husband's good friend and he loves me. We've been having an emotional affair for over a year, no sex. We've been married 27 years, the kids are grown, and there's nothing between husband and me anymore. I know my husband loves me and he is a good person, but I feel nothing. His friend is separated and feels very strongly about me, but he won't have sex with me unless I was separated from my husband. I don't know if I should leave my husband. Help.

Your story and your dilemma are not new to me; I have heard similar stories many times. It usually goes something like this: a couple marries young and was very much in love with each other. Then the children came along. The husband feels the responsibility for supporting the family so he focuses on work. The wife focuses all of her energy on taking care of the children and tending the home. Gradually, the connection between them fades as they go through their day-to-day activities; the primary conversation between them is about the children, chores, and family events. Not a particularly romantic connection.

We fast forward and the children are grown and out of the house. The couple has settled into a comfortable, but mundane lifestyle, with little or no passion. They barely know one another except as parents to their children. They each recognize that something is missing, but neither is sure what it is or how to get it. That is, until one of them connects with someone else who reminds them that they are still young, exciting, and passionate. In your marriage, it was you who found someone responsive to you, making you feel like a young woman again, alive and passionate. So you question whether you love your husband and whether you should leave him for this other man who sees you as something other than "the wife and mother." And it feels great!

Here's the problem. You are vulnerable and your new friend is in transition. The beauty of an emotional affair is that neither of you have to deal with the day-to-day acts of living together. You have those special stolen moments together where you can gaze soulfully into each other's eyes and feel totally connected; and you fill in the rest with fantasy. For his part, you are a safe distraction while he is going through the difficulty of a divorce. You are what we call a "transitional object" for him -- a person who facilitates a transition from being married to being single.

Let's say you separate from your husband to be with this man. In the beginning things seem to be great. Conversation is all about your respective divorces, your ex-spouses, and everyone's reaction to your new situation. This temporarily brings you close together as you unite against the social pressures. Then things die down and you have to face each other every day, not only on those stolen moments with all of the attendant excitement of an illicit romance. But rather the stuff of daily life: work, laundry, housekeeping, and so on. And, of course, there's the guilt of knowing that you did not work on your marriage. Will the romance survive?

What I am about to suggest won't be easy for you to do. But it will be worth it in the long run and leave you feeling a lot better about yourself should you end up leaving your marriage.

Go to your husband and tell him that now that the children are grown and gone, you are having a difficult time just going through the motions of a married woman. Tell him that it has been a long time since you felt that romantic spark in the marriage and that you want to re-invent your marriage. Tell him that you are not willing to merely go "quietly into the night" and grow old gracefully. Tell him that you want passion, excitement, and to feel that he wants you and sees you as a beautiful and exciting woman. Tell him that you are willing to work on the marriage with him to see whether the two of you can re-kindle the excitement of your earlier days together and that you are willing to seek marriage counseling with him. You might also tell him that you are finding yourself feeling responsive to other men's interest in you and you are using that as a signal that something is missing in your marriage. Let your attraction to your friend spark you to try to re-habilitate your marriage before you make a decision that you might regret and before your husband suspects your emotional infidelity.

If your husband is non-responsive to your suggestion and if your attempts at re-defining your marriage to suit your current situation with the help of marriage counseling fail, then you can at least say you gave it your best shot before ending your marriage. You have little to lose and everything to gain.

One more thing: many women (and men in similar situations) don't want to confront their spouse. They don't want to give up the excitement of the illicit affair. It is that excitement that leaves them feeling alive. By comparison, working on one's marriage is hard and often painful. Also, if the work does not lead to a fulfilling marriage, then they have to face the difficult decision of whether to remain married or divorce.