Once Committed, Sex Fades

We've been dating a long time and finally moved in together. He was always passionate and sexy. Once we moved in together, I thought he'd be all over me. But he wasn't. The odd thing is hes all about snuggling and kissing and cute talk. He is very sweet and affectionate. But when it comes to sexual intimacy I feel like he is not attracted to me. At night he usually doesn't want to fool around but he always wants to snuggle. I don't get it...Ive tried looking sexier at night and he acts more like I'm a cute stuffed animal than noticing me in a sexy way. I really don't know what to make of it. We do fool around, but probably 3-5 times a month at most. I often feel sad and awkward about this. I'm 26 years old (so is he.) I don't get it...

This is not an uncommon complaint. And I mostly hear it from women, rarely from men. The problem often stems from the male idea of how to treat a woman. For many men, there are two types of women, those they date and with whom they have sex, and those who they respect. During the dating phase of a relationship, they are in hot pursuit (and pursuing women, drugs, alcohol, pornography all excite the same part of the brain and stimulate the same neurochemicals in the brain). There is a lot of brain chemistry going on putting them in a highly charged mood. Part of the pursuit is the illicit nature of the relationship and the challenge of obtaining the prize. Men are very visual creatures. They grew up looking at Penthouse, Hustler, and Playboy. They watch porn. They want to act out those fantasies with women that they are dating and pursuing. However, once they commit to a relationship, especially when they are either living together or married, everything changes. The illicit behavior as well as the chemistry of pursuit fades away. Now they are just left with the relationship itself without the neurochemicals operating. There is also a cognitive shift. The woman no longer is compared to the Penthouse model or porn queen; she is now family. She is more like mother/sister. An they do not look at her as someone with whom to do "the nasty." In their mind, sex and intimacy do not work together. One has sex with "those type of women" not with someone whom they respect or see as the potential mother of their children. How can do "those things" with their child's mother or with someone they care about as family?

So that leads us to the bigger question: What can be done about it? What is necessary is to be able to integrate intimacy with sex. Easier said than done. It begins with having the conversation about attitudes about sex and working toward changing the way in which sex is understood. If I compare "pursuit sex" and "intimate sex" it would like comparing that juicy hamburger with all of the special sauce with fine dining. Seeking the burger is like a craving; seeking a fine quality dining experience does not have that craving element; it is more of an acquired taste rather than something to satisfy an immediate need. So the task is learning how to have a "fine dining" sexual experience where it is more about having the relationship, getting to know one another, creating an experience, than merely getting off. This obviously takes practice, conversation, and often requires the assistance of a sex therapist/couples counselor.