I Gave Up My Career For This?
My husband and I have been married for over 11 years. We have two girls, ages three and one. I gave up a good career in industry in favor of government employment in order to have more family time. My husband used to be good about coming home for meals and participating in family life important to him. During the past year this has changed. He is frequently late coming home or he misses dinner altogether. When he picks up our three year old from day care he waits until the last minute. He has no interest in sex with me or in me as a person. I can't seem to do much right. He's always stressed and frequently yells at the children daily. I've tried to discuss it with him but he gets angry and says I'm stressing him. He says he gets no support from me. I want to leave him and take the kids with me, but he's a good dad and a gentle man. I'm afraid of hurting my girls, but I'm worn out.
You and your husband were childless for the first eight of your 11-year marriage. Until you had children you had a good career in industry. No doubt you were making a lot more money than you currently make working for the government. Hence, I can deduce that you and your husband enjoyed a fairly affluent lifestyle of a two-career household. You could come and go as you please, make love when you felt like it, travel whenever you wished, etc. A typical young, affluent couple. Then one or both of you decided to have children. That changed everything, probably in ways that you did not predict. You left your lucrative career figuring that you would trade the single couple lifestyle for family life. When you had your first child, life changed. But since it was the first you probably were able to enjoy the novelty of the experience....at least for a while. But there were other changes as well, not the least of which was your energy level and your body changes. Two years later along comes number two child. No sooner than one is sleeping through the night, you have a second to keep you awake. Two children amount to more than twice as much change; it is a quantum jump, especially when they are only two years apart.
So, as you are focusing on taking care of two children, where is your husband? What is he feeling about all of this? How is he experiencing the tremendous life change that has occurred? Eight years of being the focus of your attention, now he is number three on the list...or perhaps number four if you have a dog. And, of course, what about you? You have a full-time job and a 24/7 job at home. What happened to going out with the girls? What about shopping until you drop? Spending the day getting your hair, nails, and toes done...where did that go? And stretch marks and other body changes...how have they affected your spirits? And now your husband yells, does not pay attention to you, has a short fuse, and you just want to pack up and blow this burg.
This family life is not what you had imagined when you left the single couple scene and gave up your high-powered career. Welcome to the real family! My guess is that you and your husband need some serious professional help to sort through the myriad feelings that come along with family life. No one really tells you how children can change your life. I suspect your husband is resenting not having time with you. I imagine that you both miss those quiet evenings enjoying a glass of wine after a day at work. Some people can adjust to the reality of holding down a full-time job during the day and having to honor the demands of parenthood at night. Learning how to make time for romance uninterrupted by demanding children takes work. Relegating sexual connection to the last thing before going to bed is a sure fire way of dimming those passions if not eliminating them altogether.
How much time have you spent exploring each other's feelings rather than demanding or criticizing one another? How much time has been spent in discussing how much you may miss being the #1 priority in each other's life? These are all real issues faced by most couples. Some find the shift easier than others; and sometimes one spouse makes that transition sooner than the other. Open dialogue is essential without feeling shame or guilt for the feelings one is having. These are sensitive issues and a trained professional can assist in the process.
You and your husband were childless for the first eight of your 11-year marriage. Until you had children you had a good career in industry. No doubt you were making a lot more money than you currently make working for the government. Hence, I can deduce that you and your husband enjoyed a fairly affluent lifestyle of a two-career household. You could come and go as you please, make love when you felt like it, travel whenever you wished, etc. A typical young, affluent couple. Then one or both of you decided to have children. That changed everything, probably in ways that you did not predict. You left your lucrative career figuring that you would trade the single couple lifestyle for family life. When you had your first child, life changed. But since it was the first you probably were able to enjoy the novelty of the experience....at least for a while. But there were other changes as well, not the least of which was your energy level and your body changes. Two years later along comes number two child. No sooner than one is sleeping through the night, you have a second to keep you awake. Two children amount to more than twice as much change; it is a quantum jump, especially when they are only two years apart.
So, as you are focusing on taking care of two children, where is your husband? What is he feeling about all of this? How is he experiencing the tremendous life change that has occurred? Eight years of being the focus of your attention, now he is number three on the list...or perhaps number four if you have a dog. And, of course, what about you? You have a full-time job and a 24/7 job at home. What happened to going out with the girls? What about shopping until you drop? Spending the day getting your hair, nails, and toes done...where did that go? And stretch marks and other body changes...how have they affected your spirits? And now your husband yells, does not pay attention to you, has a short fuse, and you just want to pack up and blow this burg.
This family life is not what you had imagined when you left the single couple scene and gave up your high-powered career. Welcome to the real family! My guess is that you and your husband need some serious professional help to sort through the myriad feelings that come along with family life. No one really tells you how children can change your life. I suspect your husband is resenting not having time with you. I imagine that you both miss those quiet evenings enjoying a glass of wine after a day at work. Some people can adjust to the reality of holding down a full-time job during the day and having to honor the demands of parenthood at night. Learning how to make time for romance uninterrupted by demanding children takes work. Relegating sexual connection to the last thing before going to bed is a sure fire way of dimming those passions if not eliminating them altogether.
How much time have you spent exploring each other's feelings rather than demanding or criticizing one another? How much time has been spent in discussing how much you may miss being the #1 priority in each other's life? These are all real issues faced by most couples. Some find the shift easier than others; and sometimes one spouse makes that transition sooner than the other. Open dialogue is essential without feeling shame or guilt for the feelings one is having. These are sensitive issues and a trained professional can assist in the process.
posted by DocDreyfus | 7:29 PM
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