Potpourri
Frequently I receive inquiries from people that I choose not to post on this blog. These inquires are usually funny, odd, simple, or in my opinion would be of little interest to most readers of this blog. I am posting them here with some brief commentary thinking perhaps they might be of interest to some readers:
I am in a relationship with a guy that I simply don't care for. He's a nice guy but something's amiss and I can't figure it out. He takes me out, pays $6.00 for each dinner every Friday night, but he's still physically attached to his old girlfriend even though she left him for her to marry someone else. He is a self-professed perfectionist, but he is anything but perfect and I find him dreary and boring. I would like him if he had a mind of his own but I've yet to find one. What's going on in his head? What type of personality am I dealing with?
Why do you care? If he is boring, dreary, and you don't care for him, move on!
I have a male friend that takes me out but he always makes me stop at his former lovers home afterwards even though she is married now. I finally got my friend to take me to see his new home after two years. I was appalled. His home was anything but perfect. He had ugly old bedding over two brand new lovely black leather couches, dust three inches thick on every table in the house, all his Aunt's old pictures (he bought the house from her) everything was strewn all over the place in his dining room---a bedroom dresser, a fish tank, a cover for a radiator, a four drawer filing cabinet. The dining room table was in a cubby where it didn't belong (an entranceway), the small bedroom had two unmade bunkbeds and and was sloppy. In the master bed had a well made bed because he stated that he sleeps "on top" of the covers so he doesn't have to "mess up" his new sheets. He had two very nice things in the home. A tea pot that looked "exactly" like mine after he told me that he doesn't use a tea pot just the microwave and a garbage can---exactly like mine. He takes care of his ex-lover's son since he was born and when she left him for another man, (she and her mother live in the same house) he continued on hanging on to her, watching her son, visiting her mother as though she never got married. My other friends think this is very weird. Even when he talks, all his ideas belong to her. I think this so strange. Before me, he was living with this woman for ten years and he took on her concepts and personality but it doesn't work for him. She has the ability to be flexible, he does not.
My question is this, "What is he hiding from me or better yet himself?" I find him to be extremely boring and all he can talk about are things that pertain to her and her life. To her, he talks about me. I wonder if he's psychotic. Am I missing something here? He's a nice, yet extremely boring man and I think he doesn't own his own personality.
And my question to you is, "Why are you wasting your time trying to figure out what's going on in his head?" Get on with your life.
My girlfriend and I have known each other for approximately four years. She was dating when we met and was in a sexual relationship with him. She had continued a sexual relationship with him until we got together. And six months into our relationship she cheated on me with him and got pregnant. I did not know she was pregnant. I broke up with her to organize my life in order to begin one with her. I then found out she slept with him the day after we broke up. What should I do?
It's time for you to move on. Your girlfriend is still attached to her previous boyfriend, is pregnant with his child, and is not able to sustain a monogamous relationship with you. What more do you need to know?
I come from Slovakia, I am married and have a four year old child . In the last few months my husband had refused to communicate with me. I did not why. But the last week of February he told me he is chatting with a few women and he started to talk with one of them very seriously. He called her, but she refused him. Now he found another woman and he is chatting with her. I am unhappy, he is very different man than when we first met. I would like to ask you about help. What should I do? I thought a lot about divorce, but I love him very much.
You are in a tough situation because you have a four year old child. I suggest that you tell your husband that if he continues these liaisons with other women, he is putting your marriage in jeopardy. Tell him you want to seek marriage counseling with him to find out why there has been a change in his behavior and in order to strengthen your marriage. You both owe it to your child to create a loving marriage. If he refuses to stop his behavior and to seek counseling, you will have to decide whether it would be better for your child and yourself to move on. Under what circumstances will your child have a happier mother? Divorced or living with a man who is having affairs with other women?
I am a divorced 25 year old woman and mother of two children. Men usually say that I am beautiful and attractive, but I don't see myself that way. I hate the way my body looks, I used to be very big and I've lost a lot of weight and because of this my body looks really good with my clothes on but horrible without them. I met this guy and I am crazy about him but I am really ashamed of my body and I fear that he is going to be disappointed and reject me once he sees me naked. I know that if he does that he won't be worth it, but the thing is that I don't think I can handle that kind of rejection. It is so much my fear that I've considered telling him that I don't want to see him ever again, so I won't have to deal with his rejection . What can I do?. How can I change the way I feel about myself?
You should be proud of yourself for having lost weight. Often women who have been overweight and subsequently lost a lot of weight, find that their body-image is somewhat distorted. They have difficulty incorporating their new body into their self-image. Additionally, often after losing weight, there is a lot of flabbiness remaining due to skin stretching, etc. I suggest the following:
After having intercourse and orgasm, should the male be expected to continue trying to give clitoral orgasm to his partner or is it more normal for him to become disinterested and not perform this?
Are sexual relationships all about you and your needs? Does you partner matter to you? If you are in a relationship and if you care about your partner, her needs should matter. So the answer is simple; yes, you should be a less selfish lover and learn to pleasure your partner as well as yourself. Sexual relationships are similar to intimate dancing, where each partner is trying to make their partner look good on the dance floor.
I have a good relationship with my husband. The marriage is the second for both of us. He has come out of an abusive first marriage, (with a diagnosed borderline woman). Sometimes, when we argue, I sense that he loses his connection with me, and our issue, and begins to tap into the hurt and pain from his first marriage. The anger he has is then discharged in our argument, and I feel helpless to bring him back to me. Can I do anything to address this in our relationship?
Your husband may need to seek some psychotherapy in order to work through his residual feelings about his previous marriage. You might be able to lessen the impact of these episodes by having a conversation with him when there is no argument. Tell him how it feels to you when these behaviors occur. Presumably he is aware of the inappropriate anger he feels when the two of you argue. The two of you may then be able to come up with a plan for how you can signal him the next time you argue that he might be reacting with greater intensity than warranted. You can then take a time-out for him to calm down before continuing the argument.
I recently found pictures of my husband's ex-girlfriend in the bathroom. When questioned he admits that he used them to masturbate. I am deeply hurt by this and can't seem to get over it. He claims he only used these pictures because he was bored of his regular magazines and videos he had of us. Should this trouble me or is this a sign that he is not satisfied with what I've provided?
This may be symptomatic of something amiss in your relationship or it may be indicative of your husband's continued attachment to his ex. Perhaps you and your husband ought to be examining how the two of you can create a more intimate relationship and a more passionate, exciting, and interesting romantic life including your sexual relationship. Men tend to approach sex as a only a physical act not realizing that the emotional connection is equally if not more important.
*******
I am in a relationship with a guy that I simply don't care for. He's a nice guy but something's amiss and I can't figure it out. He takes me out, pays $6.00 for each dinner every Friday night, but he's still physically attached to his old girlfriend even though she left him for her to marry someone else. He is a self-professed perfectionist, but he is anything but perfect and I find him dreary and boring. I would like him if he had a mind of his own but I've yet to find one. What's going on in his head? What type of personality am I dealing with?
Why do you care? If he is boring, dreary, and you don't care for him, move on!
***
I have a male friend that takes me out but he always makes me stop at his former lovers home afterwards even though she is married now. I finally got my friend to take me to see his new home after two years. I was appalled. His home was anything but perfect. He had ugly old bedding over two brand new lovely black leather couches, dust three inches thick on every table in the house, all his Aunt's old pictures (he bought the house from her) everything was strewn all over the place in his dining room---a bedroom dresser, a fish tank, a cover for a radiator, a four drawer filing cabinet. The dining room table was in a cubby where it didn't belong (an entranceway), the small bedroom had two unmade bunkbeds and and was sloppy. In the master bed had a well made bed because he stated that he sleeps "on top" of the covers so he doesn't have to "mess up" his new sheets. He had two very nice things in the home. A tea pot that looked "exactly" like mine after he told me that he doesn't use a tea pot just the microwave and a garbage can---exactly like mine. He takes care of his ex-lover's son since he was born and when she left him for another man, (she and her mother live in the same house) he continued on hanging on to her, watching her son, visiting her mother as though she never got married. My other friends think this is very weird. Even when he talks, all his ideas belong to her. I think this so strange. Before me, he was living with this woman for ten years and he took on her concepts and personality but it doesn't work for him. She has the ability to be flexible, he does not.
My question is this, "What is he hiding from me or better yet himself?" I find him to be extremely boring and all he can talk about are things that pertain to her and her life. To her, he talks about me. I wonder if he's psychotic. Am I missing something here? He's a nice, yet extremely boring man and I think he doesn't own his own personality.
And my question to you is, "Why are you wasting your time trying to figure out what's going on in his head?" Get on with your life.
***
My girlfriend and I have known each other for approximately four years. She was dating when we met and was in a sexual relationship with him. She had continued a sexual relationship with him until we got together. And six months into our relationship she cheated on me with him and got pregnant. I did not know she was pregnant. I broke up with her to organize my life in order to begin one with her. I then found out she slept with him the day after we broke up. What should I do?
It's time for you to move on. Your girlfriend is still attached to her previous boyfriend, is pregnant with his child, and is not able to sustain a monogamous relationship with you. What more do you need to know?
***
I come from Slovakia, I am married and have a four year old child . In the last few months my husband had refused to communicate with me. I did not why. But the last week of February he told me he is chatting with a few women and he started to talk with one of them very seriously. He called her, but she refused him. Now he found another woman and he is chatting with her. I am unhappy, he is very different man than when we first met. I would like to ask you about help. What should I do? I thought a lot about divorce, but I love him very much.
You are in a tough situation because you have a four year old child. I suggest that you tell your husband that if he continues these liaisons with other women, he is putting your marriage in jeopardy. Tell him you want to seek marriage counseling with him to find out why there has been a change in his behavior and in order to strengthen your marriage. You both owe it to your child to create a loving marriage. If he refuses to stop his behavior and to seek counseling, you will have to decide whether it would be better for your child and yourself to move on. Under what circumstances will your child have a happier mother? Divorced or living with a man who is having affairs with other women?
***
I am a divorced 25 year old woman and mother of two children. Men usually say that I am beautiful and attractive, but I don't see myself that way. I hate the way my body looks, I used to be very big and I've lost a lot of weight and because of this my body looks really good with my clothes on but horrible without them. I met this guy and I am crazy about him but I am really ashamed of my body and I fear that he is going to be disappointed and reject me once he sees me naked. I know that if he does that he won't be worth it, but the thing is that I don't think I can handle that kind of rejection. It is so much my fear that I've considered telling him that I don't want to see him ever again, so I won't have to deal with his rejection . What can I do?. How can I change the way I feel about myself?
You should be proud of yourself for having lost weight. Often women who have been overweight and subsequently lost a lot of weight, find that their body-image is somewhat distorted. They have difficulty incorporating their new body into their self-image. Additionally, often after losing weight, there is a lot of flabbiness remaining due to skin stretching, etc. I suggest the following:
- Get into group psychotherapy and/or a support group for people who have or had weight problems. These groups can help you develop a more positive self-image and great self-confidence.
- Before simply leaving this man, have a conversation with him. Talk honestly with him about your fears. Men and women all have issues regarding their bodies. We live in a body-conscious society. Men are concerned with everything from their love-handles to the size of their penis. You might be very surprised with his response.
***
After having intercourse and orgasm, should the male be expected to continue trying to give clitoral orgasm to his partner or is it more normal for him to become disinterested and not perform this?
Are sexual relationships all about you and your needs? Does you partner matter to you? If you are in a relationship and if you care about your partner, her needs should matter. So the answer is simple; yes, you should be a less selfish lover and learn to pleasure your partner as well as yourself. Sexual relationships are similar to intimate dancing, where each partner is trying to make their partner look good on the dance floor.
***
I have a good relationship with my husband. The marriage is the second for both of us. He has come out of an abusive first marriage, (with a diagnosed borderline woman). Sometimes, when we argue, I sense that he loses his connection with me, and our issue, and begins to tap into the hurt and pain from his first marriage. The anger he has is then discharged in our argument, and I feel helpless to bring him back to me. Can I do anything to address this in our relationship?
Your husband may need to seek some psychotherapy in order to work through his residual feelings about his previous marriage. You might be able to lessen the impact of these episodes by having a conversation with him when there is no argument. Tell him how it feels to you when these behaviors occur. Presumably he is aware of the inappropriate anger he feels when the two of you argue. The two of you may then be able to come up with a plan for how you can signal him the next time you argue that he might be reacting with greater intensity than warranted. You can then take a time-out for him to calm down before continuing the argument.
***
I recently found pictures of my husband's ex-girlfriend in the bathroom. When questioned he admits that he used them to masturbate. I am deeply hurt by this and can't seem to get over it. He claims he only used these pictures because he was bored of his regular magazines and videos he had of us. Should this trouble me or is this a sign that he is not satisfied with what I've provided?
This may be symptomatic of something amiss in your relationship or it may be indicative of your husband's continued attachment to his ex. Perhaps you and your husband ought to be examining how the two of you can create a more intimate relationship and a more passionate, exciting, and interesting romantic life including your sexual relationship. Men tend to approach sex as a only a physical act not realizing that the emotional connection is equally if not more important.
***
posted by DocDreyfus | 9:50 AM
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